PUGinaRUG
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 4, 2019
- Messages
- 193
Ive posted this elsewhere on bluelight, but as requested, here it is copy and pasted into the trip reports forum:
So.... I'm a god damn idiot. I fucked up big time with this chem. This is not a warning so much as a tale of stupidity. A long tale. I've just finished writing it and its definitely a tl;dr.
Hopefully at least some of you read it, find it interesting/entertaining or get something out of it at least. Even if it's just the feeling I'm a retard, who shouldn't be allowed near RCs... which is fair. I would agree with you.
I may be bias but I think it's quite the tale!
It was 9:00pm and I plugged 50mg to start after initial allergy test earlier that day. I have some ketamine tolerance and after reading the MXPr thread on bluelight I thought that was a good place to start. I didnt feel much from it so after maybe 30mins I plugged another 50mg. I felt great. It reminded me of mxe so much. I wanted to M hole so I took another 50mg. It worked, I went under and came round again. This is great I thought feeling euphoric and optimistic that it was going to be just like MXE. One more dose/hole I thought. Final 50mg plugged so a total of 200mg I took, over a 3 hour period I'd estimate. Well it turned out being more like MXE than I bargained for. I'll explain soon...
Now the first hole I didnt get too much from. I dont really remember it now... perhaps it got overshadowed. But this final hole I found myself in was totally terrifying. The best I can describe it is a feeling of being trapped in an infinite loop of reality. There was only me. I was alone, I was scared, I was everything, the universe, consciousness, God etc. I was compelled to 'spin' and keep this loop going round. All existence was, was this folding over, looping, and a garbled gibberish voice, echoing, and then a response to that voice, which was the same voice/sound. The loop repeating, looping, spinning... forever. I felt compelled to spin and repeat this sequence. This was what reality/consciousness/me was. All that it was. This never ending cycle from which I couldn't deviate or escape. I played my part in the loop. Its alI I could do... Just go along with this flow. Cycle of time, infinity, whatever. But I was trapped, alone and scared. This was all there was or ever would be. Time lost all meaning. I eventually came out of the M hole. First i saw whiteness and heard beeping, this quickly faded to my bedroom, to reality and as I would quickly learn; to a shitstorm of my own making. The first thing I see/comprehend is two paramedics towering over me and my bed, saying my name and asking me questions. The beeping I heard was their medical equipment.
My Housemate had called them. I instantly knew I had fucked up but I didnt know what exactly had happened, to make him call them. He knew I was taking MXPr that night, he is fine with what I get up to usually. Some occational ket, weed, gbl, clonazepam, oxy, mdma, even some methamphetamine. I'm as careful as I can be when I take them, which is deliberately infrequently and I haven't fucked up on them, so far. He's totally cool and understanding. He only smokes weed himself, but that probably is a factor for him being so chill with things. So I was honest with him that I'd be trying this new RC and it would be similar to ket. He wouldn't have heard of mxe; a far better comparison. He was a bit apprehensive but I convinced him I would be fine. Oh dear
So... I cry out in the typical cant talk properly stutter you get from ket, mxe, mxpr: "I cant believe it", "I'm so sorry" I say. They want to take me off in the ambulance to A&E or the accident and emergency area of a hospital, for you Americans. I was very reluctant to go as I thought I was okay (well maybe that wasnt such a given in retrospect, so I was right to go.) Also they threatened to get the police if I didnt go off to hospital :/ So that was pretty motivating to say the least.
So I was somewhat interrogated in the ambulance by two paramedics, whilst laying on a stretcher. Which I found odd and annoying looking back, but I was so out of it at the time. They were bombarding me with questions about what I took, mixed with judgemental little jibes such as 'Thought you'd be clever and take some drugs then? 'Not very clever was it?' 'You scared your housemate half to death" etc. this was very police interrogation like. I think they were on a bit of a power trip. Probably looked down on me and who could blame them? I was just agreeing with them. Saying 'Yes' a fair few times and 'Sorry'. I remember I felt guilty for them being called out and I worried that I may have stopped an ambulance saving a life, by wasting their time with me.
Got to the hospital eventually, they took forever to actually drive off. Parked outside where all the neighbours could see. Ugh. So embarrassing I thought. I hoped I hadn't woken them. I get to the hospital they wheel me out of the ambulance. They ask me how I took the drug and I answer 'snorted it'. One of them says 'You said up the bum!' I freeze for a moment then laugh and say 'okay, yep.' They are laughing too. At me not with me I'm sure. My roomate later told me they asked me on my bed how I took it and I said up the bum. I have no recollection of this, it happened when I was blacked out. I shouldn't care really but if I was in my right mind I wouldnt have admitted to plugging it. I guess my brain was operating on some base level. I wonder what else I'd admit to like that!? It was like a truth serum! :S
Anyway, I just wanted to leave the hospital immediately. I was sitting up, then standing up, saying I was fine. I was asked to lay back down and told I wasnt fine. I said I was and they again threatened calling the police if I wondered off. This made me listen. I still really had it in my head I was going to leave once the paramedics left my side though. I wanted to go home. I didnt want to be 'processed' in hospital, incase my GP became aware of the incident. I've always denied all recreational drug use with my GP, so I can be prescribed good stuff. Abusable stuff technically, yes, but good stuff. The stuff that actually works though.
This is the point in my tragic but self inflicted fucked up story where I reveal that 7 years ago I had a near identical incident with MXE (this fact adds to why I'm an absolute moron) I thrashed around I screamed, I experienced the same damn m hole even. It was the same bad trip, looping forever. I was found in the middle of the night screaming by my mum. She called an ambulance, I was taken to hospital and I walked straight out, because I could. I said I was okay and I left. Noone stopped me. I had nothing on me but actually managed to hitch hike home. Some guy with a beard stopped for me. He said he stopped because I had a beard too. Haha. So I was back home within maybe an hour. My mum was upset, annoyed, surprised that I'd came home so fast, angry...but that's another story.
But I couldn't escape this time. Too many people standing around me. It was much busier. I was in A&E from about 2am to 10am, still very intoxicated, especially at the beginning. I could barely get my words out. I had money for a taxi home in my pocket but no mobile. This distressed me a lot. I was under the impression my housemate may think I was dead because I couldn't contact him to say I was alright. I had to contact him I thought. I didnt know his mobile off by heart. Reception tried my mobile, which I somehow recalled and proceeded to struggle to get the numbers out, in the correct order. They rang it, no answer and I remembered it was on silent. I felt hugely annoyed, frustrated and lost. I put my head in my hands. It would have been nice if someone explained to me that my housemate could ring the hospital and check to see if I was okay, any time. I wasn't thinking clearly due to intoxication, so this simple fact took hours for me to realise on my own.
ECG's, blood tests, blood pressure taken. A Doctor eventually saw me and asked what I had taken. I said ketamine (because who has heard of mxe, or mxpr I thought.) He said it says here the paramedics wrote down MXE. I couldn't remember saying MXE to the paramedics. So I said to the doc they are similar drugs. But I hesitated and came across as dishonest I felt. I was trying to play it that this was my first time I took an illegal drug and I closed with 'and never again after this'. I thought that if they thought it was a one off it would be better for my cause (wanting to keep my abusable prescriptions, not to abuse but to take as prescribed. The abusable stuff actually works!) but really what I was saying wasnt believable. He looked like he didnt believe it. He asked me if I drank or smoked cannabis. I initially said no. He gave me a look and then explained doctor patient confidentiality. I then admitted to trying cannabis when I was younger, and apologised. He asked me to follow his finger with just my eyes. I felt like I was seeing double and in slow motion. My eyes felt delayed in their movements. He made me push my hands, arms, legs and feet against him, while he offered resistance. Looking back I guess he was looking for injuries? At the time it seemed like a sobriety/coordination test. I was sent back to the reception/waiting area. Hours were passing so after sobering up further and now being able to talk less like a stroke victim; I found the doctor and apologised again for my evasivness/dishonesty. I said I was worried to admit to illegal things and I was still very out of it when he was asking me the questions etc. He seemed genuinely pleased/thankful for my apology. He looked roughly my age, we both had long hair. I imagined a rapour that probably wasnt there. I was hoping that he wouldn't tell my GP, if I was polite, remorseful, apologetic. Which I was, genuinely, so it wasnt difficult.
I was waiting on final blood test result to come back. It was maybe 8am at this point. It finally came back. I was given the all clear and they FINALLY removed the needle thingy in my wrist vein that was bandaged up and had tubes poking out of it. This was something I kept asking to be removed from the moment I arrived, as I didnt understand why it was there, attached to me. I remember saying to reception 'it looks like an alien!', 'look at it!' (while waving my wrist to make the tubes wobble around like antennae) 'it hurts', 'this is like a punishment' etc. I kept saying. This was when I first arrived and was far more intoxicated.
It would have been nice to have someone explain why it was attached to my wrist, why it needed to remain there, to keep my wrist still and it wouldn't hurt etc. But instead a passing nurse overheard my complaints and quickly tied my bandaged wrist even tighter, without saying a word and walking swiftly off. It happened so fast I didnt realise what she had done till she was out of sight down the corridor. Ninja nurse. I feel I fucked up and wasted paramedics, doctors, nurses, everyones time (I was apologising to everyone who dealt with me about that, a lot, because I was ashamed, remorseful, felt stupid beyond belief etc.) So I felt in no way entitled or deserving of better, more compassionate treatment. Perhaps I deserved the treatment I was recieving I thought.
Now though, looking back I feel they could have handled me and things better on a few occasions. I definitely think they dont like people they perceive as druggies, who self inflict injury upon themselves. Waste their precious time etc. The NHS is struggling, they have too many patients to see and not enough doctors, nurses etc. I can understand how they may perceive me in that way, but I think really they should treat all ill/sick patients with the same care and consideration. People make mistakes. It's often underlying mental health issues that can precede drug abuse/addiction etc. But I dont need to lecture anyone here about that obvious fact. I suffer from severe anxiety, depression and ADHD. I had explained this when I was asked what meds I take, as I take something for each of those conditions. They were aware that I'm a vulnerable patient is what I'm saying. Perhaps I was genuinely a bit frightening too. People dont like to see other people fucked up do they? Not making much sense, struggling to talk coherently, perhaps slightly manic, definitely acting strange. It goes back to how our ancestors kept alive/healthy. Someone acting 'off' is a sign of potential danger or sickness which could spread and wipe out the whole tribe. So we evolved to keep our distance from those not 'normal'.
Sorry this is turning into a novel. The most shocking part is still to come when I finally get home and find out what I was doing while m holing, to warrant an ambulance being called out. Not much more to read! Keep going, you know you want to
So I get discharged from hospital and locate a phone on the wall that rings only to a taxi firm. I arrange one. I cant remember my postcode when asked. I'm stressed and trip over my words. Still under the influence of the drug btw. I manage though. Its booked. I forget to ask where it will park and how long it will be. After going through what seemed like a maze of a hospital, I escape to the outside world, on a cold rainy morning at about 10am. I have to walk past police which scared me, as I felt out of it still. I focused on walking in a straight line. I walked to where i thought a taxi would stop. Wait 10mins nothing. Go back into the hospital past police again, use the phone, speak to same lady who recognised my voice. She says 5 more minutes. I walk back out past the police yet again. Wearing pyjama bottoms, walking boots, and thankfully a rain proof coat. I dont really feel the cold though. I dont feel much at all I notice.
I try to flag down a taxi that's not for me and feel silly. My taxi shows up and I get in. He tries to make small talk. I make up I had a seizure and was taken to hospital, since he asked me why I was there. It takes ages to get home. Because he drives towards a similar sounding place to the one I live in. My vision and perception is still off, but luckily I notice. He apologies, turns off the meter and we turn around. Finally get to my house. I give him a 5quid tip. I pray I dont see a neighbour, luckily I dont and with my key I had on me, which I managed not to lose, along with my wallet, I let myself inside.
My dog has separation anxiety and shes elated I'm home. I drop to the floor crying at how happy she is to see me. Tears streaming down my face due to lack of sleep, still high, been through a lot, very fragile, worried to see my housemate etc. Tripping in a hospital is not a nice time. My dog is smelling me, my wrist, my bloody cotton wool ball that is taped to where they removed the needle. I take my coat off and I begin to notice bruises and gashes, grazes etc all over my arms and elbows. All of a sudden I feel pain again and I ache all over. I still dont know extent of the damage to me. How did this happen?
Roommate is standing at top of stairs. I say I'm so so so sorry, whilst in a puddle on the floor. 'Its totally unacceptable behaviour on my part', I say. Still feeling the mxpr I sob that I'll never take any drug ever again and I'll flush my acid. Roomate has hardly slept. He is monotone. He explains what happened to me....
He wakes up as dog is barking in his room, she can hear somethings wrong. He can then hear banging and noises (light screaming and distressed sounds) coming from my bedroom at 1:00am.
He comes to investigate. I am spinning around on my bed the sheet has come off completely, I'm sweating profusely he says. Banging my head and limbs into the wall, my bed frame as I spin. He tries to talk/console me. He filmed some of it, so I watch. I'm toppless, on the floor beside my bed wedged between bed and side table at this point. I'm immobile. He says in the vid 'you've been screaming and thrashing around' I answer 'really?' I have no memory of this at all. He asks if I need an ambulance and I respond 'why?' Again no memory of this. It's strange I was able on some level to listen understand and respond. Then I start shaking and saying 'oh my god' in such a distraught tone, its chilling to hear. I start breathing heavily. I try to stand up, repeatedly. My mate tries to restrain me and tells me just to sit there. I kick my leg out hard and get it stuck under a chest of draws and let out a wounded, frustrated moan. The dog is in the room at this point. The video ends.
After the vid ended apparently I went back into full on, out of it, not responding, having a bad trip mode. I do stand up, I fall over, repeatedly. Housemate is smaller than me and trying to ring ambulance and remove our dog to safety so he cant/doesnt restrain me fully/always. I fall into my new 55inch qled samsung tv that cost me £1250k. I stepped on a cardboard box full of 3DS games and luckily didnt damage them. The tv is clearly pushed back on my chest of draws, off its axis. I fear the worst. But it appears to be scratch free on inspection. I was so scared to turn it on, in case i had damaged it. But luckily it's fine.
My room looks like a tornado went through it. Theres medical/paramedic parafanalia left in front of the tv stand, box of games kicked out of its place, other things seemingly thrown around like pillows, my duet. My mobile which my house mate couldn't locate for me to take to hospital, was wrapped up in my bed sheet which I had span into a small crumpled mess.
Housemate says I was walking somewhat competently at one point and I trying to leave my bedroom. He was keeping me shut in from the other side, as I could have fell down the stairs. I had my hands round his throat at one point. Luckily not for long or hard enough to leave any bruising but he was scared. Scared is an understatement. He was totally terrified. It was clear from his exasperation in the video. He was freaking out somewhat. He has anxiety issues too. He's quite a sensitive soul, like me. He said he had the night from hell. Worst night of his life even. Or at least right up there with other horrible life moments. I really scared the dog too, who I love and care about loads
I deleted the video without asking, out of embarrassment. I also thought it was the safe thing to do. As its evidence, and a reminder of what happened, which I wanted to forget, desperately as soon as possible.
I take my sweat ridden, but now dry teeshirt off and put on a new one. It feels so prickly/painful/abrasive on my skin. I change it to a softer teeshirt. I look in mirror, slight black eye and bruise on nose. I'm in a lot of pain now. I guess the drug is wearing off more. They shaved some of my chest hair to stick on something for the ecg. So I have two itchy, uncomfortable chest patches, when wearing a teeshirt. This doesnt seem like much on it's own. But feeling so prickly on top of my whole body being battered was the icing on the cake. So bruises and or minor flesh wounds on sholders, wrists, knees, thighs, eye, nose, hips and ribs even, it took a couple of days for some bruises to show, but I could feel it there and then. I put my bed sheet back on. There are blood stains over it. I'm too weak, in pain, tired to change it to a clean one. After a lot of apologising and explaining to my mate and consoling the dog, I try to sleep having been awake all night. I take 300mg pregabalin and 2mg clonazepam to both relax myself (I'm so tense, on edge, anxious, irritated by my injuries etc.) and to help me sleep.
It's about 11:30am now. I get into bed and cant find a single position that doesnt hurt to lay on. Turning over from one side to another is agony. It's a slow laborious process. I'm stinging all over, aching, gritting my teeth and letting out quiet but audible cries, as I try to move. I feel like a total fucking retard.
I'm so lucky I didnt brake something like my nose, bones, blinded myself (my eyes were wide open throughout most of my freak out I'm told) or my laptop, collection of mint condition 3DS games or my new tv. I'm lucky I didnt hurt the dog or my mate, physically at least.
I manage to fall asleep for a few hours then wake up in time to feed dog at normal time, as I always do. I make a point of working through the pain, so my housemate doesnt have to look after me. After all he went through the prior night. He is exhausted and in shock. He thought I was going to kill myself while i spacked out.
He took my scales and hid them before paramedics arrived and he threw the rest of my gram of mxpr down sink. Possibly for the best. But I would have liked to weigh what was left to see if I did take how much I thought I took. Oh well. He panicked and thought he was helping incase I was going to get arrested.
I would have probably made use of what was left over but just never going for an m hole ever again. Just using 50-100mg max in one sitting. I know I could trust myself to do that. But to be honest I'd be scared incase somehow it happened again at the lower dose. Its perhaps for the best it's gone. This is academic though. It was disposed off with good intentions and I certainly haven't criticised my mate for doing it. I think that would be beyond the pale, after what I put him through. He was shaken for a few days after the event. Definitely went through hell. So did I internally and at the hospital but it was completely my fault. Perhaps witnessing your mate doing what I did, while sober, unable to help is worse. I'm to blame for all of this of course. A pretty shitty feeling to say the least.
This happened a week ago now. I should have posted here sooner perhaps, but I was well and truly licking my wounds (figuratively) with my tail between my legs, so to speak. I still am, it was only a week ago! It seems longer ago though.
The fact I treated it like ketamine and not a new relatively untested chemical was the issue. I will feel forever stupid for being so careless. Or at least a week later, I still do feel very stupid. The fact in the past i thrashed around on the floor of my old house on mxe, screamed, went to hospital, and I didnt learn from that, adds to how completely dumb I was. In the back of my mind I told myself I was injecting last time, that's probably why it happened. I was taking huge doses probably. This is a different chemical I said. I'll be plugging it this time, I have tolerance from recent ketamine usage, I took pregabalin as prescribed that day, which is a sedative.
I was taking all sorts 7 years ago. I was probably on mdpv or some other stim at the same time, knowing 7 year old me. That's why I fucked up all those years ago and became mobile while m holing. This is how I convinced myself it wouldn't happen again; convinced myself to try MXPr
But I was only kidding myself I guess. I got carried away and I became more intoxicated and kept pushing the dosage, treating it like ketamine in the sense I can keep taking more to keep holing. Have a long sesh I mean. I was taking what I thought was a lot less MXPr. 50mg at a time. Compared to ket I'd take like 150-200mg to start off then redose to re-hole with like 100-150mg top ups.
So I knew not to dose as high as ket, but obviously that wasnt enough. I fucked up big time. So I did take too much, obviously, of a new untested chem. I'm an idiot, I could have died. This was a huge slap in the face, which i evidently needed; to learn from this.
Oh, I had lots of good times on mxe too back in the day. Just so this all makes sense. If I only fucked up on it I wouldn't have sought a replacement for it all these years later.
If you read all of this I'm seriously impressed, honestly near the end now.
Dont be too hard on me. I'm hard enough on myself! I know I was beyond stupid. I read earlier in the MXPr thread that someone came too on their kitchen floor after dosing too high. Traveled from upstairs bedroom? So walked down the stairs while out of it/holing. With no memory of how he got there.
So I'm not alone. I hope this tale might have some use/merit. Before I went too far and took too much I was enjoying it. It felt like MXE to me. It's been years since I last had MXE mind you. I cant compare to all these other drugs: 3-meo-pcp/pce o-pce 3-HO-PCP, the ketamine analogue RC and the rest, as I haven't sampled any of them. After this incident I probably never will :/
So there you have it. I doubt the vast majority of people here need warning to not do as I did. As most people aren't nearly as stupid and careless as me. That's why it's less a warning and more a fucked up overdose story/trip report.
It's worrying that if you take too much it's possible to move around, thrash, flail your arms, spin around, stand, walk, fall over, damage yourself and things/people/animals around you (potentially) ...to cry out, scream, make other weird noises, even speak properly at points when asked questions, appearing somewhat lucid. All whilst holing, with no memory of it when you come round. If you come round at all :S
Thanks for reading. I should be better and I will do better in the future. Definitely disgraceful behaviour which flies in the face of what this place stands for and promotes...ie harm reduction. Sorry bluelight. I've failed you :/
A week later and I am mostly healed. Still some scabs and bruising but not really in pain any more. I think I was lucky to get of so lightly, ultimately. I could have cracked my head open/became concussed. I maybe could have died somehow? I dont know. I do know I'm an embarrassment and a prized idiot. Perhaps internal damage to my pride/confidence/mental well being will take longer to heal/get over.. and maybe that's a good thing. I feel I deserve to feel this low. Hopefully it will reinforce/remind me to never be so blazae, careless and just downright stupid ever again.
My roomate seems normal now, we can joke about it a bit already. Coping mechanism I guess.
Peace.
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_mxpr
substancecode_achs
substancecode_dissociatives
explevel_firsttime
exptype_negative
exptype_difficult
exptype_disaster
exptype_overdose
roacode_rectal
So.... I'm a god damn idiot. I fucked up big time with this chem. This is not a warning so much as a tale of stupidity. A long tale. I've just finished writing it and its definitely a tl;dr.
Hopefully at least some of you read it, find it interesting/entertaining or get something out of it at least. Even if it's just the feeling I'm a retard, who shouldn't be allowed near RCs... which is fair. I would agree with you.
I may be bias but I think it's quite the tale!
It was 9:00pm and I plugged 50mg to start after initial allergy test earlier that day. I have some ketamine tolerance and after reading the MXPr thread on bluelight I thought that was a good place to start. I didnt feel much from it so after maybe 30mins I plugged another 50mg. I felt great. It reminded me of mxe so much. I wanted to M hole so I took another 50mg. It worked, I went under and came round again. This is great I thought feeling euphoric and optimistic that it was going to be just like MXE. One more dose/hole I thought. Final 50mg plugged so a total of 200mg I took, over a 3 hour period I'd estimate. Well it turned out being more like MXE than I bargained for. I'll explain soon...
Now the first hole I didnt get too much from. I dont really remember it now... perhaps it got overshadowed. But this final hole I found myself in was totally terrifying. The best I can describe it is a feeling of being trapped in an infinite loop of reality. There was only me. I was alone, I was scared, I was everything, the universe, consciousness, God etc. I was compelled to 'spin' and keep this loop going round. All existence was, was this folding over, looping, and a garbled gibberish voice, echoing, and then a response to that voice, which was the same voice/sound. The loop repeating, looping, spinning... forever. I felt compelled to spin and repeat this sequence. This was what reality/consciousness/me was. All that it was. This never ending cycle from which I couldn't deviate or escape. I played my part in the loop. Its alI I could do... Just go along with this flow. Cycle of time, infinity, whatever. But I was trapped, alone and scared. This was all there was or ever would be. Time lost all meaning. I eventually came out of the M hole. First i saw whiteness and heard beeping, this quickly faded to my bedroom, to reality and as I would quickly learn; to a shitstorm of my own making. The first thing I see/comprehend is two paramedics towering over me and my bed, saying my name and asking me questions. The beeping I heard was their medical equipment.
My Housemate had called them. I instantly knew I had fucked up but I didnt know what exactly had happened, to make him call them. He knew I was taking MXPr that night, he is fine with what I get up to usually. Some occational ket, weed, gbl, clonazepam, oxy, mdma, even some methamphetamine. I'm as careful as I can be when I take them, which is deliberately infrequently and I haven't fucked up on them, so far. He's totally cool and understanding. He only smokes weed himself, but that probably is a factor for him being so chill with things. So I was honest with him that I'd be trying this new RC and it would be similar to ket. He wouldn't have heard of mxe; a far better comparison. He was a bit apprehensive but I convinced him I would be fine. Oh dear
So... I cry out in the typical cant talk properly stutter you get from ket, mxe, mxpr: "I cant believe it", "I'm so sorry" I say. They want to take me off in the ambulance to A&E or the accident and emergency area of a hospital, for you Americans. I was very reluctant to go as I thought I was okay (well maybe that wasnt such a given in retrospect, so I was right to go.) Also they threatened to get the police if I didnt go off to hospital :/ So that was pretty motivating to say the least.
So I was somewhat interrogated in the ambulance by two paramedics, whilst laying on a stretcher. Which I found odd and annoying looking back, but I was so out of it at the time. They were bombarding me with questions about what I took, mixed with judgemental little jibes such as 'Thought you'd be clever and take some drugs then? 'Not very clever was it?' 'You scared your housemate half to death" etc. this was very police interrogation like. I think they were on a bit of a power trip. Probably looked down on me and who could blame them? I was just agreeing with them. Saying 'Yes' a fair few times and 'Sorry'. I remember I felt guilty for them being called out and I worried that I may have stopped an ambulance saving a life, by wasting their time with me.
Got to the hospital eventually, they took forever to actually drive off. Parked outside where all the neighbours could see. Ugh. So embarrassing I thought. I hoped I hadn't woken them. I get to the hospital they wheel me out of the ambulance. They ask me how I took the drug and I answer 'snorted it'. One of them says 'You said up the bum!' I freeze for a moment then laugh and say 'okay, yep.' They are laughing too. At me not with me I'm sure. My roomate later told me they asked me on my bed how I took it and I said up the bum. I have no recollection of this, it happened when I was blacked out. I shouldn't care really but if I was in my right mind I wouldnt have admitted to plugging it. I guess my brain was operating on some base level. I wonder what else I'd admit to like that!? It was like a truth serum! :S
Anyway, I just wanted to leave the hospital immediately. I was sitting up, then standing up, saying I was fine. I was asked to lay back down and told I wasnt fine. I said I was and they again threatened calling the police if I wondered off. This made me listen. I still really had it in my head I was going to leave once the paramedics left my side though. I wanted to go home. I didnt want to be 'processed' in hospital, incase my GP became aware of the incident. I've always denied all recreational drug use with my GP, so I can be prescribed good stuff. Abusable stuff technically, yes, but good stuff. The stuff that actually works though.
This is the point in my tragic but self inflicted fucked up story where I reveal that 7 years ago I had a near identical incident with MXE (this fact adds to why I'm an absolute moron) I thrashed around I screamed, I experienced the same damn m hole even. It was the same bad trip, looping forever. I was found in the middle of the night screaming by my mum. She called an ambulance, I was taken to hospital and I walked straight out, because I could. I said I was okay and I left. Noone stopped me. I had nothing on me but actually managed to hitch hike home. Some guy with a beard stopped for me. He said he stopped because I had a beard too. Haha. So I was back home within maybe an hour. My mum was upset, annoyed, surprised that I'd came home so fast, angry...but that's another story.
But I couldn't escape this time. Too many people standing around me. It was much busier. I was in A&E from about 2am to 10am, still very intoxicated, especially at the beginning. I could barely get my words out. I had money for a taxi home in my pocket but no mobile. This distressed me a lot. I was under the impression my housemate may think I was dead because I couldn't contact him to say I was alright. I had to contact him I thought. I didnt know his mobile off by heart. Reception tried my mobile, which I somehow recalled and proceeded to struggle to get the numbers out, in the correct order. They rang it, no answer and I remembered it was on silent. I felt hugely annoyed, frustrated and lost. I put my head in my hands. It would have been nice if someone explained to me that my housemate could ring the hospital and check to see if I was okay, any time. I wasn't thinking clearly due to intoxication, so this simple fact took hours for me to realise on my own.
ECG's, blood tests, blood pressure taken. A Doctor eventually saw me and asked what I had taken. I said ketamine (because who has heard of mxe, or mxpr I thought.) He said it says here the paramedics wrote down MXE. I couldn't remember saying MXE to the paramedics. So I said to the doc they are similar drugs. But I hesitated and came across as dishonest I felt. I was trying to play it that this was my first time I took an illegal drug and I closed with 'and never again after this'. I thought that if they thought it was a one off it would be better for my cause (wanting to keep my abusable prescriptions, not to abuse but to take as prescribed. The abusable stuff actually works!) but really what I was saying wasnt believable. He looked like he didnt believe it. He asked me if I drank or smoked cannabis. I initially said no. He gave me a look and then explained doctor patient confidentiality. I then admitted to trying cannabis when I was younger, and apologised. He asked me to follow his finger with just my eyes. I felt like I was seeing double and in slow motion. My eyes felt delayed in their movements. He made me push my hands, arms, legs and feet against him, while he offered resistance. Looking back I guess he was looking for injuries? At the time it seemed like a sobriety/coordination test. I was sent back to the reception/waiting area. Hours were passing so after sobering up further and now being able to talk less like a stroke victim; I found the doctor and apologised again for my evasivness/dishonesty. I said I was worried to admit to illegal things and I was still very out of it when he was asking me the questions etc. He seemed genuinely pleased/thankful for my apology. He looked roughly my age, we both had long hair. I imagined a rapour that probably wasnt there. I was hoping that he wouldn't tell my GP, if I was polite, remorseful, apologetic. Which I was, genuinely, so it wasnt difficult.
I was waiting on final blood test result to come back. It was maybe 8am at this point. It finally came back. I was given the all clear and they FINALLY removed the needle thingy in my wrist vein that was bandaged up and had tubes poking out of it. This was something I kept asking to be removed from the moment I arrived, as I didnt understand why it was there, attached to me. I remember saying to reception 'it looks like an alien!', 'look at it!' (while waving my wrist to make the tubes wobble around like antennae) 'it hurts', 'this is like a punishment' etc. I kept saying. This was when I first arrived and was far more intoxicated.
It would have been nice to have someone explain why it was attached to my wrist, why it needed to remain there, to keep my wrist still and it wouldn't hurt etc. But instead a passing nurse overheard my complaints and quickly tied my bandaged wrist even tighter, without saying a word and walking swiftly off. It happened so fast I didnt realise what she had done till she was out of sight down the corridor. Ninja nurse. I feel I fucked up and wasted paramedics, doctors, nurses, everyones time (I was apologising to everyone who dealt with me about that, a lot, because I was ashamed, remorseful, felt stupid beyond belief etc.) So I felt in no way entitled or deserving of better, more compassionate treatment. Perhaps I deserved the treatment I was recieving I thought.
Now though, looking back I feel they could have handled me and things better on a few occasions. I definitely think they dont like people they perceive as druggies, who self inflict injury upon themselves. Waste their precious time etc. The NHS is struggling, they have too many patients to see and not enough doctors, nurses etc. I can understand how they may perceive me in that way, but I think really they should treat all ill/sick patients with the same care and consideration. People make mistakes. It's often underlying mental health issues that can precede drug abuse/addiction etc. But I dont need to lecture anyone here about that obvious fact. I suffer from severe anxiety, depression and ADHD. I had explained this when I was asked what meds I take, as I take something for each of those conditions. They were aware that I'm a vulnerable patient is what I'm saying. Perhaps I was genuinely a bit frightening too. People dont like to see other people fucked up do they? Not making much sense, struggling to talk coherently, perhaps slightly manic, definitely acting strange. It goes back to how our ancestors kept alive/healthy. Someone acting 'off' is a sign of potential danger or sickness which could spread and wipe out the whole tribe. So we evolved to keep our distance from those not 'normal'.
Sorry this is turning into a novel. The most shocking part is still to come when I finally get home and find out what I was doing while m holing, to warrant an ambulance being called out. Not much more to read! Keep going, you know you want to
So I get discharged from hospital and locate a phone on the wall that rings only to a taxi firm. I arrange one. I cant remember my postcode when asked. I'm stressed and trip over my words. Still under the influence of the drug btw. I manage though. Its booked. I forget to ask where it will park and how long it will be. After going through what seemed like a maze of a hospital, I escape to the outside world, on a cold rainy morning at about 10am. I have to walk past police which scared me, as I felt out of it still. I focused on walking in a straight line. I walked to where i thought a taxi would stop. Wait 10mins nothing. Go back into the hospital past police again, use the phone, speak to same lady who recognised my voice. She says 5 more minutes. I walk back out past the police yet again. Wearing pyjama bottoms, walking boots, and thankfully a rain proof coat. I dont really feel the cold though. I dont feel much at all I notice.
I try to flag down a taxi that's not for me and feel silly. My taxi shows up and I get in. He tries to make small talk. I make up I had a seizure and was taken to hospital, since he asked me why I was there. It takes ages to get home. Because he drives towards a similar sounding place to the one I live in. My vision and perception is still off, but luckily I notice. He apologies, turns off the meter and we turn around. Finally get to my house. I give him a 5quid tip. I pray I dont see a neighbour, luckily I dont and with my key I had on me, which I managed not to lose, along with my wallet, I let myself inside.
My dog has separation anxiety and shes elated I'm home. I drop to the floor crying at how happy she is to see me. Tears streaming down my face due to lack of sleep, still high, been through a lot, very fragile, worried to see my housemate etc. Tripping in a hospital is not a nice time. My dog is smelling me, my wrist, my bloody cotton wool ball that is taped to where they removed the needle. I take my coat off and I begin to notice bruises and gashes, grazes etc all over my arms and elbows. All of a sudden I feel pain again and I ache all over. I still dont know extent of the damage to me. How did this happen?
Roommate is standing at top of stairs. I say I'm so so so sorry, whilst in a puddle on the floor. 'Its totally unacceptable behaviour on my part', I say. Still feeling the mxpr I sob that I'll never take any drug ever again and I'll flush my acid. Roomate has hardly slept. He is monotone. He explains what happened to me....
He wakes up as dog is barking in his room, she can hear somethings wrong. He can then hear banging and noises (light screaming and distressed sounds) coming from my bedroom at 1:00am.
He comes to investigate. I am spinning around on my bed the sheet has come off completely, I'm sweating profusely he says. Banging my head and limbs into the wall, my bed frame as I spin. He tries to talk/console me. He filmed some of it, so I watch. I'm toppless, on the floor beside my bed wedged between bed and side table at this point. I'm immobile. He says in the vid 'you've been screaming and thrashing around' I answer 'really?' I have no memory of this at all. He asks if I need an ambulance and I respond 'why?' Again no memory of this. It's strange I was able on some level to listen understand and respond. Then I start shaking and saying 'oh my god' in such a distraught tone, its chilling to hear. I start breathing heavily. I try to stand up, repeatedly. My mate tries to restrain me and tells me just to sit there. I kick my leg out hard and get it stuck under a chest of draws and let out a wounded, frustrated moan. The dog is in the room at this point. The video ends.
After the vid ended apparently I went back into full on, out of it, not responding, having a bad trip mode. I do stand up, I fall over, repeatedly. Housemate is smaller than me and trying to ring ambulance and remove our dog to safety so he cant/doesnt restrain me fully/always. I fall into my new 55inch qled samsung tv that cost me £1250k. I stepped on a cardboard box full of 3DS games and luckily didnt damage them. The tv is clearly pushed back on my chest of draws, off its axis. I fear the worst. But it appears to be scratch free on inspection. I was so scared to turn it on, in case i had damaged it. But luckily it's fine.
My room looks like a tornado went through it. Theres medical/paramedic parafanalia left in front of the tv stand, box of games kicked out of its place, other things seemingly thrown around like pillows, my duet. My mobile which my house mate couldn't locate for me to take to hospital, was wrapped up in my bed sheet which I had span into a small crumpled mess.
Housemate says I was walking somewhat competently at one point and I trying to leave my bedroom. He was keeping me shut in from the other side, as I could have fell down the stairs. I had my hands round his throat at one point. Luckily not for long or hard enough to leave any bruising but he was scared. Scared is an understatement. He was totally terrified. It was clear from his exasperation in the video. He was freaking out somewhat. He has anxiety issues too. He's quite a sensitive soul, like me. He said he had the night from hell. Worst night of his life even. Or at least right up there with other horrible life moments. I really scared the dog too, who I love and care about loads
I deleted the video without asking, out of embarrassment. I also thought it was the safe thing to do. As its evidence, and a reminder of what happened, which I wanted to forget, desperately as soon as possible.
I take my sweat ridden, but now dry teeshirt off and put on a new one. It feels so prickly/painful/abrasive on my skin. I change it to a softer teeshirt. I look in mirror, slight black eye and bruise on nose. I'm in a lot of pain now. I guess the drug is wearing off more. They shaved some of my chest hair to stick on something for the ecg. So I have two itchy, uncomfortable chest patches, when wearing a teeshirt. This doesnt seem like much on it's own. But feeling so prickly on top of my whole body being battered was the icing on the cake. So bruises and or minor flesh wounds on sholders, wrists, knees, thighs, eye, nose, hips and ribs even, it took a couple of days for some bruises to show, but I could feel it there and then. I put my bed sheet back on. There are blood stains over it. I'm too weak, in pain, tired to change it to a clean one. After a lot of apologising and explaining to my mate and consoling the dog, I try to sleep having been awake all night. I take 300mg pregabalin and 2mg clonazepam to both relax myself (I'm so tense, on edge, anxious, irritated by my injuries etc.) and to help me sleep.
It's about 11:30am now. I get into bed and cant find a single position that doesnt hurt to lay on. Turning over from one side to another is agony. It's a slow laborious process. I'm stinging all over, aching, gritting my teeth and letting out quiet but audible cries, as I try to move. I feel like a total fucking retard.
I'm so lucky I didnt brake something like my nose, bones, blinded myself (my eyes were wide open throughout most of my freak out I'm told) or my laptop, collection of mint condition 3DS games or my new tv. I'm lucky I didnt hurt the dog or my mate, physically at least.
I manage to fall asleep for a few hours then wake up in time to feed dog at normal time, as I always do. I make a point of working through the pain, so my housemate doesnt have to look after me. After all he went through the prior night. He is exhausted and in shock. He thought I was going to kill myself while i spacked out.
He took my scales and hid them before paramedics arrived and he threw the rest of my gram of mxpr down sink. Possibly for the best. But I would have liked to weigh what was left to see if I did take how much I thought I took. Oh well. He panicked and thought he was helping incase I was going to get arrested.
I would have probably made use of what was left over but just never going for an m hole ever again. Just using 50-100mg max in one sitting. I know I could trust myself to do that. But to be honest I'd be scared incase somehow it happened again at the lower dose. Its perhaps for the best it's gone. This is academic though. It was disposed off with good intentions and I certainly haven't criticised my mate for doing it. I think that would be beyond the pale, after what I put him through. He was shaken for a few days after the event. Definitely went through hell. So did I internally and at the hospital but it was completely my fault. Perhaps witnessing your mate doing what I did, while sober, unable to help is worse. I'm to blame for all of this of course. A pretty shitty feeling to say the least.
This happened a week ago now. I should have posted here sooner perhaps, but I was well and truly licking my wounds (figuratively) with my tail between my legs, so to speak. I still am, it was only a week ago! It seems longer ago though.
The fact I treated it like ketamine and not a new relatively untested chemical was the issue. I will feel forever stupid for being so careless. Or at least a week later, I still do feel very stupid. The fact in the past i thrashed around on the floor of my old house on mxe, screamed, went to hospital, and I didnt learn from that, adds to how completely dumb I was. In the back of my mind I told myself I was injecting last time, that's probably why it happened. I was taking huge doses probably. This is a different chemical I said. I'll be plugging it this time, I have tolerance from recent ketamine usage, I took pregabalin as prescribed that day, which is a sedative.
I was taking all sorts 7 years ago. I was probably on mdpv or some other stim at the same time, knowing 7 year old me. That's why I fucked up all those years ago and became mobile while m holing. This is how I convinced myself it wouldn't happen again; convinced myself to try MXPr
But I was only kidding myself I guess. I got carried away and I became more intoxicated and kept pushing the dosage, treating it like ketamine in the sense I can keep taking more to keep holing. Have a long sesh I mean. I was taking what I thought was a lot less MXPr. 50mg at a time. Compared to ket I'd take like 150-200mg to start off then redose to re-hole with like 100-150mg top ups.
So I knew not to dose as high as ket, but obviously that wasnt enough. I fucked up big time. So I did take too much, obviously, of a new untested chem. I'm an idiot, I could have died. This was a huge slap in the face, which i evidently needed; to learn from this.
Oh, I had lots of good times on mxe too back in the day. Just so this all makes sense. If I only fucked up on it I wouldn't have sought a replacement for it all these years later.
If you read all of this I'm seriously impressed, honestly near the end now.
Dont be too hard on me. I'm hard enough on myself! I know I was beyond stupid. I read earlier in the MXPr thread that someone came too on their kitchen floor after dosing too high. Traveled from upstairs bedroom? So walked down the stairs while out of it/holing. With no memory of how he got there.
So I'm not alone. I hope this tale might have some use/merit. Before I went too far and took too much I was enjoying it. It felt like MXE to me. It's been years since I last had MXE mind you. I cant compare to all these other drugs: 3-meo-pcp/pce o-pce 3-HO-PCP, the ketamine analogue RC and the rest, as I haven't sampled any of them. After this incident I probably never will :/
So there you have it. I doubt the vast majority of people here need warning to not do as I did. As most people aren't nearly as stupid and careless as me. That's why it's less a warning and more a fucked up overdose story/trip report.
It's worrying that if you take too much it's possible to move around, thrash, flail your arms, spin around, stand, walk, fall over, damage yourself and things/people/animals around you (potentially) ...to cry out, scream, make other weird noises, even speak properly at points when asked questions, appearing somewhat lucid. All whilst holing, with no memory of it when you come round. If you come round at all :S
Thanks for reading. I should be better and I will do better in the future. Definitely disgraceful behaviour which flies in the face of what this place stands for and promotes...ie harm reduction. Sorry bluelight. I've failed you :/
A week later and I am mostly healed. Still some scabs and bruising but not really in pain any more. I think I was lucky to get of so lightly, ultimately. I could have cracked my head open/became concussed. I maybe could have died somehow? I dont know. I do know I'm an embarrassment and a prized idiot. Perhaps internal damage to my pride/confidence/mental well being will take longer to heal/get over.. and maybe that's a good thing. I feel I deserve to feel this low. Hopefully it will reinforce/remind me to never be so blazae, careless and just downright stupid ever again.
My roomate seems normal now, we can joke about it a bit already. Coping mechanism I guess.
Peace.
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, I went too heavy with the dose on this the first time as well. It's pretty strong, I was doing 30mg bumps and even a couple ended up getting me in a bad way (w/ no tolerance). Made a whole weekend out of it, along with some stims, and while only the first night was a meltdown, it was a little wild.
