Lost Ego
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2009
- Messages
- 1,455
This didnt fit in the title - but about 140 mg mxe, about 5-6 doses of alchohol, 1 gram of weed - NOVICE with mxe, Intermediate experience with psychedelics.
I'm not sure where to start so i'll start at the very beginning. I had planned to take a girl that i like to a concert weeks ago (the concert was supposed to be yesterday and today), plans fell through on my end and i told her i'd make it up to her. I found this event that was going down yesterday a week or so ago, it was supposed to be like a little burning man, a party on the beach. It really turned out to be more like a rave in the woods next to the beach. Anyways i was gonna take her to this mini-burning man and on friday (the day before she said event she decided she couldnt go). I was a little discouraged but i decided to press on. I had just recieved mxe in the mail, my scale had just arrived, i'd been looking forward to the event for a week and i decided i'd just go alone. Beforehand i drove a ways to my friend's house, bought some pot, asked if he'd wanna go, he already had plans. I left his house and went and bought a pipe to smoke out of. I then began my 2 hour trek to this pre-burning-man. I listened to cd's i'd made as a child, 8-12 y.o.... Rock music i hadn't heard in ages, love songs, songs about drugs, songs about sex, songs that i'd never heard the true meaning to before. It really brought back memories.
I parked my car at a train station and took the train from there to the city. Once in the city i took a cab to the outskirts of the national park which outlined the beach. I was arriving alone, a nomad traveling freely. It was nearing 9pm by this point, and it was dark and windy and disorienting. I grabbed some firewood on my way down as requested by one of the chaperones. I hiked for maybe 25 mins, getting lost and then finally finding a path of glow sticks layed on the dirt to follow. I followed the bread crumbs and I arrived at a little camp fire and there were maybe 30 people gathered around a fire, a dj set up close by and behind that were tents. Alot smaller than i had expected! The turn out was supposed to be close to 300 people.
I'm bad in little social circles like this but i told myself not to worry. I approached the outside of the circle, asked for a place to sit, somebody offered to let me sit and i introduced myself. I didnt talk much at the beginning and i just listened and took the crowd in. I was already comfortable somehow and i decided to get right down to business. "If anyone can find me a flat surface for me to measure out my drugs on, i'll give you free drugs", it definitely broke the ice, a girl sitting a ways away from me handed me some plywood and some glowsticks for lighting smiling. She clearly wanted some drugs and i joked about that. I measured out 45 mg for her and then about 55 mg for myself (the plywood was hardly level and in result the scale was off about 10 mg (+/-)i wanted to measure above and not below if anything just to make sure i broke through.
I placed about 50 mg underneath my tongue and allowed it to absorb for a minute or 2. At this point somebody had offered me a beer, i washed it down with it. The girl's friend who i had dosed was gorgeous and had taken a liking to me. She offered me a some of her whiskey and i hesitantly accepted. I took a shot from the bottle and began talking with her. She was quite interesting. She was attending burning man the following day and would be trying acid for the first time. We mostly talked about acid, how to prepare, how not to, etc, we talked about life, about ourselves. My chat with her lasted me until the onset of the drug.
Let's say i dosed at 9:15 (50 mg mxe).
I began coming up at about 9:45 sitting next to the camp fire.
At this exact point when i began feeling the mxe, the robo walk, the dj finally decided to start the music. He started with levels by avicii. I knew the song well, this is the point where i decided to surrender to the music and to the drug. I sang a long "OOOHHHH sometiiiimes, i get a good feeling, yeeeeAH, i get a good feeling". I stood up and entered the crowd that was arriving and gathering around the dj.
I suppose now is a good time to mention that this is the second time i've tripped balls around other people, the first time was on acid and i had a horrible trip - NEVER AGAIN will i let myself go so far into the darkness, i would force myself to have a good trip if it killed me (oh the irony). Also worth mentioning that this is only my second time trying mxe, the first time was on thursday where i tried 15mg, just to get used to the body high and the mind state.
The drug was rushing over me oh so fast but i wasn't obliterated yet, i began questioning if i had taken enough and then i remembered how addictive it was and how little time had passed and i decided i wouldnt redose, not yet.
(10:00) Am I peaking yet? - I sat back down, finding it hard to walk or stand, hard to find my balance. I wasn't there yet but i was reaching the brink, the edge of no return. I sat down by the girl i had dosed in front of the warm fire. I packed a bowl and smoked her out, 3 hits later and the visuals are enhanced 10 fold! I sit back coughing, letting the high consume me. I look at the fire and it is distorted, i close my eyes and i still see the fire and it warps even further, into something else, a mushroom, a flower, a sun, an earth evolving, multiplying into a fractal pattern behind my eyes, i got lost in this... I open my eyes and only seconds seemed to have passed though it felt like like forever. There was a couple to my right packing keef into a little sneak a toke, i asked if they needed some weed to put their keef on. They accepted and i handed them a nice large nug and gave them my new pipe to pack. It took them a while to pack it and i zoned out in the mean time. It wasn't long before i was having weed shoved in my face. I lit it and toked on the cherry. THIS WAS EVEN HARSHER and i hadn't smoked in maybe 2 months. I coughed my lungs away. Took one more toke afterwards and i was fuckerfied.
10:10) On top of the world - This was one of the most substantial amount of introspection and observation of reality(and the universe) that i did during the whole trip. I sat back, unable to speak, almost prepared to collapse under the pressure of all of these people chattering around me. I didn't faulter, my resolve was strong this time. I couldn't speak but i had insights on philosophy, spirituality and myself. I couldnt speak to anyone loud enough for them to hear and so i took little exerpts from what i was thinking about and wrote them down via text message and sent them to myself
Recieved at 10:07 (from me): "Gravity is what connects you to mother earth on a spiritual level"
10:13 (from me): "Your 5 senses are what connects you to the laws of the universe. Your senses are your experience of receiving everything that is spiritual"
10:15 (from me): "I'm in an m hole and i can simulate video games in my mind"... THIS WAS AMAZING!, I was switching back and forth between my closed eye ocular ability and my mystical thought process. Idk if i was in an m hole, i clearly thought so at the time lol. The visuals were spectacular, i could simulate any 16 bit video game and below in my mind at will, i couldn't do any of the newer systems like playstation, xbox, gamecube but more like N64 and before that, it seemed that you need a more advanced mind(or drug) to simulate something more real. I played a racing game in my mind - Mario kart 64, i made it 1/4 through an epic race before it morphed into a grid and i was racing through tron, like my mind was a computer.
I redosed at 10:15 (eyeballed, about 50mg). I knew i was on my peak and i wanted it to last. I shared my mxe with one of the guys that was hosting the event and he was thankful. He offered me some LSD and Molly but i denied him. I wasn't ready to meet Lucy again, we needed to part ways and i need to grow more before i can be with her once more. I said no to Molly because, well, i was simply satisfied, my drug bus was full and i didnt wanna try to fit another party in there.
I never finished my first beer and it was forever lost lol. I was offered a second beer and chugged half of it. There were more people who wanted to try my mxe, people who wanted a weed, people who wanted a cigarette, i offered it all to them. The problem was that doing anything physical was impossible. It felt like 2 hours i was rummaging through my backpack trying to perform the action of finding my weed, my mxe, my scale, a tray, a water, a pipe, a lighter. Performing any action was relatively impossible outside of my mind, i kept getting stuck in paradoxes in my mind. I smoked more people out, dosed more people, learned their names, heard their stories.
I recieved another message from myself at 10:23: "In eastern philosophies, your spirit is your chi. Chi: is essentially energy within your bone marrow. Physics: energy cannot be created nor destroyed"... At this point i was attempting to describe to an athiest the idea of transcendence and how it is scientifically possible through a combination of sciences. I tried to explain that if you could combine, psychopharmocology, philosophy, spirituality and mass introspection that you could experience and understand your soul in an entirely different realm. And that's exactly what i was doing at this point. I was swapping back and forth between experiencing the spirit realm and getting lost in the music (more of the physical realm).
I felt as if i had entered the spirit realm. I thought about the composition of my body, how chemicals like water and carbon made up me and they were my spirit particals, what I eminate. I felt like i was in heaven, litterally. That we all existed in a spirit realm, thats how we were able to communicate, if we werent in the spirit realm then we wouldnt be able to interact with other spirits. I thought about how "reality" is the spirit realm and when you sleep, that's the "physical realm" because we experience it within our selves, within our own spirits. I thought about the idea of death, i thought how it couldnt exist, not from my perspective. I could experience vicariously a family member's death, i can see them leave this realm... but does that mean that that's how I experience it? NO! That's a paradox since it's all relative. I thought about how our faces were direct reflections of our souls(with the exception of fat, which i ended up thinking that the chemical stucture of fat may eminate a more kind aura that that of skin and bones), this is the point where i turned my attention outward, on the people around me
At about 10:45 i began coming down from my first plateau and i stood up and went ahead and joined the dance floor again. It was so hard to walk, i must have looked drunk off my ass, stumbling everywhere. I tried to dance, almost fell, tried again. It felt so good and i didnt care if i looked like an ass. I lost my attention span quickly and stood by the dj's who were judging each other. I walked past them, behind some trees and packed myself a personal bowl to enjoy by myself. I smoked it up, walked around and rejoined the music. I looked around, took in the environment. The tall trees, the bright fire, the light display they had projecting onto tree branches, i got lost looking at the lights for a while. The weed brought back visuals from the first peak (or maybe i was starting to come up on the second dose?). I lost track of time. I talked to people, shared drugs, shared experiences, spread love, hugs, kindness.
Before i knew it i had come down on my second dose(i have no idea where the time went, im assuming i got lost in the music and the people for an hour) and it was 11:45 and it was time to hike down from the woods down to the beach with the entire group of maybe 100 people. We followed the hosts in single file, i was about 6th in line lol. I was tripping rather hard and it was a 45-50 degree angle downwards at this point - not bad. The loose dirt on the ground was hard to walk on, you would take a step and slide down a half of foot before catching yourself. We had a nice 10 minute walk through the wilderness, leaving glow sticks on the ground for the people behind us to find their footing. I kept up with the guides reasonably well.
The bonfire - At 11:55 I arrived at the beach, people still piling in behind me. There was a huge amount of wood piled together in a pyramid on top of this 10 foot cliff overlooking the beach. I walked to the edge of the cliff looking out upon the waves rolling in at midnight. I lit up a cigarette, there was no moon, the clouds were covering it. I stood at the edge, embracing the universe, the bewildered and excited people around me and i felt pure bliss, pure love, something i hadn't felt in a long time... Writing this paragraph is bringing a tear to my eye, the moment was that touching, i wish i had a picture of that moment ='(. I'ma go have a smoke and come back and finish this report.
... ... So everyone arrives and finally gathers around the wood. i talk to some guys who are also getting lost in the beauty of the ocean and chit chatted with them for a minute. i finish my cigarette just as he's lighting the fire. I throw my stoge away and find a spot torwards the back of the huge bon fire crowd. They are dousing it with gasoline to get the fire to burn bigger. There is cheering as the fire radiates out in explosions. I'm torwards the back of the group in a spot where i can see both the fire and the ocean. I pack a bowl as they get the fire going, i smoke it bringing reminants of my second peak back. As the fire begins to envelope the entire stack of wood a shirtless man sits down with a drum and starts playing this african sounding music. Everyone is tripping and they are the shapers of our reality. A few people gather around the fire, making a flame show with these chains with some kind of torch like substance at the end of it doused in flame and they danced around the fire to the drums. I lost my weed at this point, no idea where it went. I wasn't worried, i figured if there was nothing i could do about it then there was no point in stressing. I redosed maybe 30 mg of mxe eyeballed and watched the show.
It's 12:20, the pyramid of wood had fallen and the formal show had ended. I noticed that it was sort of like i was part of a tribe from the the olden days. Couples were starting to pair off and dance wildly around the fire, some bold alpha males were trying to jump over the fire, nearly getting scorched with flames. Everyone's animal nature was coming out and i felt sort of left out. I decided to try and find myself a mate for the night. One of the women who was handling the fire dance (with the chains and junk) came and sat down next to me (this was certainly her making the first move), it was hard to flirt while i was on mxe so i decided to just be sincere, honest and as much of my self as i could muster. I told her "you know if i could dance right now, you'd definitely be the girl that'd do me the honor". I talked with her for maybe 15 mins - she wasn't the one, i knew it, she knew it, we both moved on. I found the first girl who i'd dosed standing by the fire. Turns out she was on acid and the effects of the mxe were long gone. She was however still tripping balls and i was not far from a plateau. I told her to direct her focus from her mind into her body. I rubbed her skin, i ran my hands along her back, her shoulders, giving her a massage, i was getting lost in giving pleasure and she was getting lost in the sensations. I didnt speak to her much, i did say "be in this moment, enjoy the pleasure" *i firmly squeezed her skin* "and embrace the pain, without pain your brain could not comprehend pleasure, it's a duality sort of thing that i took from philosophy." I gave her a sensual experience. Time proceeded to fly by. I Talked to a doctor who got fired for smoking pot, i talked to him about the blueprints and functions of the brain, trying to get him to teach me whatever i might be missing. I was too fucked up to get my point accross, it probably took 30 mins to explain to him my idea of how consciousness works and by that point he was lost and confused. It was about 1:15 at this point and i hiked back up the hill. I met more people along the way, a russian man, a sober women, the doctor was there too. I conversated as we took our time hiking through the pitch black forest. Losing our footing here and there, enjoying every moment of it.
I arrived back at camp and felt more at home than back in my home-town. I chattered with people, i drank more water, more caffiene. I shared more of my drug with people. I found a guy, or he found me rather and well to put it straight. We talked about drugs and i told him i was on mxe, he told me he was stoned and drunk. He had DMT and i had MXE. After i expressed my interest in the drug he offered some to me for free, 4 doses. he recommended i didnt do it last night and that i devote another night solely to it. He ran off after giving me it, i got his number in case i ever needed more exotic drugs. I was so excited! What goes around, comes around huh?
The Goddess: I sat down at the camp fire. Its about 1:35 and the music is bumping once again. I meet a girl and there is a spark there instantly. I talk to her and conversation flows freely, lust tied into every word, every action, none of it is forced. We talk about anything and everything. She is beautiful, we see the world in the same beautiful way. I flirt more, i hug her, my body pressed against hers, she smells so good, i dont wanna let go, i almost orgasm just from holding her. 3 guys show up, awkward looks on their faces. She had already met these guys earlier at the party and had been hanging out for a while. They looked pretty protective of her, i assumed one of them might be her boyfriend so i tried to lay off for a little while. I hung out with her for ever. I drank a few cups of beer from the keg, burping up mxe, light head ache, i take acetaminophen. I enjoy the company of her and her friends. One of her friends give me some water, ever so kindly (what goes around comes around
). I Am lightly stimulated, heavily euphoric, slightly numb, experiencing mild CEV's. I get up and enter a trance watching a guy giving a light show to somebody else. He starts walking away, i trust this girl and my other new friends enough that i leave my backpack and all of my valuables in their hands. I walk off and follow the light show guy into the crowd. I find him on the outskirts giving that same person a more isolated show. I couldn't help but join in. He was done after a few minutes, i quizzed about his blinking glow sticks. Wondering how they worked. He let me hold them... I fool around with them, giving myself a light show. It isn't 30 seconds before 4 guys approach me and ask for a light show - IVE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE LOL! but i confidently tell them that i'd love to, not telling them it's my first time trying this. They were on molly and weed and so i kept it fast paced. I was never good at dancing, never had much of a rhythm but last night i just flowed with the music. I felt the music the instant it'd switch up and i'd switch up the movements accordingly. I tripped them the fuck out while i was trippin as well. I was flying, i felt like a god among men. I asked them how it was, they loved it. I handed them back to the lightshow guy and thanked him plentifully for the experience. I walked back over to that one girl (i had already forgotten her name at this point lol, and she thought it was funny and i knew she had to be slightly offended, i had to make it up to her for this so i was a complete gentlemen for the rest of the night).
2:30 we walk over to this hill by the fire, it's pitch black and i didnt notice it before. You walk up this 65-75 degree slanted hill about 30 feet and you reach this rope hanging from a tall tree and at the end of it is 2 handles to hold on to and some glow sticks attatched to it to fly on. I watched as she grabbed on and leaped off of the steep hill, hurtling towards a tree, slowing at about 10 feet from the tree and swings back and forth, having fun, spinning on the rope. I caught her as she flew back my way and we had this little sexual moment where i was holding her again. I grabbed on to the rope like tarzan, climbed as high as the rope would reach on the hill and jumped off, i sped up tried kicking the tree opposite me at the bottom of the hill, missed and tried again at the top of the hill, this time i went diaganal off the hill and it turns out at the edge there is this abyssal cliff which im hanging over for a second before im dragged back over to the opposite side of the hill torwards the top and i can't stop myself from going back to the abyss, after 3 flys over i finally catch my footing in the middle of the hill. I finally stood back up and thanked myself for not slipping into that huge black hole. I guess I'll try to speed up the story because i essentially just spent the rest of the night in her presence and it's gonna get boring for you. Next to the tarzan rope was a treehouse, pretty high in the tree. You have to actually climb the tree to get up there, there's no ladder. So i follow her and her male friends into the tree and get up there. We chill up there for a while, looking down at the party for a little while. We climb back down and go by the camp fire. I talk to her more and im ever more intrigued. I flirt as hard as possible after i found out none of those boys were her bf and that she had a complicated relationship back in another state and they really didnt have much going for them, she just needed to get over him and i wanted to help. I gave her my best lines and they all worked, she was blushing, she was lusting just as i was. I told her about the girl i was supposed to go to this beach party with and she obviously got jealous. She prodded further. She's an aries and im a sagittarius which is perfect because we are both fire signs and she can handle my honesty. She wanted to know what made me me. I sold her my story as sincerely and honestly as possible, straight from the heart. She wanted to know more, i made her follow me to the dance floor and while there she put her arms around my shoulders, i put my hands around her hips. It was like a high school dance lol... I tried kissing her, she rejected me, she said she has a "30 day rule" or some crap like that. She asked me more about why i didnt have a girlfriend. I told her i was torn between trying to impress her and being honest. She said to be honest. So... I told her my fears. She actually had the audacity to ask where the fears rooted from. I opened up. i asked her about herself in the same respect. She opened up. I fancied her and i wanted her, i wanted to make love to her, i wanted to connect myself with her in the most spiritual way possible.
I found the guy who had given me the dmt and i had forgotten about my mxe but i had remembered when i saw him. I offered him some and he hastily said yes. I gave him 50 mg... 30 mins after that, he demandingly says he's not feeling anything and wants more. I tried to warn him but he wouldn't listen. I reluctantly gave him another 40 mg as per his direct orders.
The right of passage - (so to speak) I chatted with her some more before she said she'd go to the bathroom and during that time some guy smoked me out (sort of regret this, because i lost my drive to chase her due to the high) By the time i was ready to leave it was 5:50, the dmt guy was just hitting his peak on the mxe and he was sucked into the void, he wasn't able to even wave a goodbye. She was ready to leave as well so we left together. On my way there I took the long way, a 45 degree decline. She insisted that on our way out we took the 80 degree incline up through heavy brush. I wanted to impress her so i oblidged. She is a real outdoors girl and led the way with a flashlight up steep rocky, slippery dirt, plant life, and thick brush. I almost slipped a few times, i felt like simba (the father lion) from the lion king when scar is pushing him down the ledge. I was that close to falling to my death lol. I battled on through, finding foot holes in pitch blackness. About halfway up we approached thick brush with maybe 2 feet of clearing underneath it. We entered it and i was getting exhausted. It was even harder to climb this part of the face and i wouldnt have made it up certain parts without nature's cleverly designed branches within my vicinity. We made it to the top and i looked down upon the ocean, the 100 yard climb we had just made, the forest, everything and i couldn't quite enjoy it all because i was stoned and trying to think of a move to make on her. i walked her to her car. I was so stoned and slightly mxe'ed out at this point. I mean i got her number but i should have tried kissing her again, she was gonna sleep in her car. Why didnt i just fucking go with her? UGHH WTF. Ah well, i didnt wanna follow her into her truck and impose myself in there without an invite so when she asked me what i was about to go do, i just said my goodbye with a big hug and said i was gonna go catch my train, i told her to enjoy burning man and that i'd text her and hopefully i can come out to d.c. and take her on a date. She liked the idea and i walked back to the train station. Waited an hour or so for the train station to open, hopped on my train and accidentally slept on it while it went back and forth for 4 hours. I awoke at 12:30pm and headed home.
Overview: loved the drug, didnt like how addictive it was but overall it was amazing. it made an astounding night perfect. The night was just supposed to be a little, big party for me, that's what i had expected. Turned out to be like my own personal burning man, a true adventure. I came out of it feeling like the man that i've always wanted to be. I'm glad i went. I got some cool philosophical insights out of it, i get to try dmt soon, i go this girl's number and im texting her as i type on here, i got immersed in a tribe and i had a blast. I'm still in the afterglow, the headache has gone away but when i smoke cigarettes my lungs feel sore like they do after a strong dose of dxm (respiration distress from the downer?). I wrote this report mostly for me so i can remember it forever. Hope you guys enjoy it too, despite all of the ramblings
I'm not sure where to start so i'll start at the very beginning. I had planned to take a girl that i like to a concert weeks ago (the concert was supposed to be yesterday and today), plans fell through on my end and i told her i'd make it up to her. I found this event that was going down yesterday a week or so ago, it was supposed to be like a little burning man, a party on the beach. It really turned out to be more like a rave in the woods next to the beach. Anyways i was gonna take her to this mini-burning man and on friday (the day before she said event she decided she couldnt go). I was a little discouraged but i decided to press on. I had just recieved mxe in the mail, my scale had just arrived, i'd been looking forward to the event for a week and i decided i'd just go alone. Beforehand i drove a ways to my friend's house, bought some pot, asked if he'd wanna go, he already had plans. I left his house and went and bought a pipe to smoke out of. I then began my 2 hour trek to this pre-burning-man. I listened to cd's i'd made as a child, 8-12 y.o.... Rock music i hadn't heard in ages, love songs, songs about drugs, songs about sex, songs that i'd never heard the true meaning to before. It really brought back memories.
I parked my car at a train station and took the train from there to the city. Once in the city i took a cab to the outskirts of the national park which outlined the beach. I was arriving alone, a nomad traveling freely. It was nearing 9pm by this point, and it was dark and windy and disorienting. I grabbed some firewood on my way down as requested by one of the chaperones. I hiked for maybe 25 mins, getting lost and then finally finding a path of glow sticks layed on the dirt to follow. I followed the bread crumbs and I arrived at a little camp fire and there were maybe 30 people gathered around a fire, a dj set up close by and behind that were tents. Alot smaller than i had expected! The turn out was supposed to be close to 300 people.
I'm bad in little social circles like this but i told myself not to worry. I approached the outside of the circle, asked for a place to sit, somebody offered to let me sit and i introduced myself. I didnt talk much at the beginning and i just listened and took the crowd in. I was already comfortable somehow and i decided to get right down to business. "If anyone can find me a flat surface for me to measure out my drugs on, i'll give you free drugs", it definitely broke the ice, a girl sitting a ways away from me handed me some plywood and some glowsticks for lighting smiling. She clearly wanted some drugs and i joked about that. I measured out 45 mg for her and then about 55 mg for myself (the plywood was hardly level and in result the scale was off about 10 mg (+/-)i wanted to measure above and not below if anything just to make sure i broke through.
I placed about 50 mg underneath my tongue and allowed it to absorb for a minute or 2. At this point somebody had offered me a beer, i washed it down with it. The girl's friend who i had dosed was gorgeous and had taken a liking to me. She offered me a some of her whiskey and i hesitantly accepted. I took a shot from the bottle and began talking with her. She was quite interesting. She was attending burning man the following day and would be trying acid for the first time. We mostly talked about acid, how to prepare, how not to, etc, we talked about life, about ourselves. My chat with her lasted me until the onset of the drug.
Let's say i dosed at 9:15 (50 mg mxe).
I began coming up at about 9:45 sitting next to the camp fire.
At this exact point when i began feeling the mxe, the robo walk, the dj finally decided to start the music. He started with levels by avicii. I knew the song well, this is the point where i decided to surrender to the music and to the drug. I sang a long "OOOHHHH sometiiiimes, i get a good feeling, yeeeeAH, i get a good feeling". I stood up and entered the crowd that was arriving and gathering around the dj.
I suppose now is a good time to mention that this is the second time i've tripped balls around other people, the first time was on acid and i had a horrible trip - NEVER AGAIN will i let myself go so far into the darkness, i would force myself to have a good trip if it killed me (oh the irony). Also worth mentioning that this is only my second time trying mxe, the first time was on thursday where i tried 15mg, just to get used to the body high and the mind state.
The drug was rushing over me oh so fast but i wasn't obliterated yet, i began questioning if i had taken enough and then i remembered how addictive it was and how little time had passed and i decided i wouldnt redose, not yet.
(10:00) Am I peaking yet? - I sat back down, finding it hard to walk or stand, hard to find my balance. I wasn't there yet but i was reaching the brink, the edge of no return. I sat down by the girl i had dosed in front of the warm fire. I packed a bowl and smoked her out, 3 hits later and the visuals are enhanced 10 fold! I sit back coughing, letting the high consume me. I look at the fire and it is distorted, i close my eyes and i still see the fire and it warps even further, into something else, a mushroom, a flower, a sun, an earth evolving, multiplying into a fractal pattern behind my eyes, i got lost in this... I open my eyes and only seconds seemed to have passed though it felt like like forever. There was a couple to my right packing keef into a little sneak a toke, i asked if they needed some weed to put their keef on. They accepted and i handed them a nice large nug and gave them my new pipe to pack. It took them a while to pack it and i zoned out in the mean time. It wasn't long before i was having weed shoved in my face. I lit it and toked on the cherry. THIS WAS EVEN HARSHER and i hadn't smoked in maybe 2 months. I coughed my lungs away. Took one more toke afterwards and i was fuckerfied.
10:10) On top of the world - This was one of the most substantial amount of introspection and observation of reality(and the universe) that i did during the whole trip. I sat back, unable to speak, almost prepared to collapse under the pressure of all of these people chattering around me. I didn't faulter, my resolve was strong this time. I couldn't speak but i had insights on philosophy, spirituality and myself. I couldnt speak to anyone loud enough for them to hear and so i took little exerpts from what i was thinking about and wrote them down via text message and sent them to myself
Recieved at 10:07 (from me): "Gravity is what connects you to mother earth on a spiritual level"
10:13 (from me): "Your 5 senses are what connects you to the laws of the universe. Your senses are your experience of receiving everything that is spiritual"
10:15 (from me): "I'm in an m hole and i can simulate video games in my mind"... THIS WAS AMAZING!, I was switching back and forth between my closed eye ocular ability and my mystical thought process. Idk if i was in an m hole, i clearly thought so at the time lol. The visuals were spectacular, i could simulate any 16 bit video game and below in my mind at will, i couldn't do any of the newer systems like playstation, xbox, gamecube but more like N64 and before that, it seemed that you need a more advanced mind(or drug) to simulate something more real. I played a racing game in my mind - Mario kart 64, i made it 1/4 through an epic race before it morphed into a grid and i was racing through tron, like my mind was a computer.
I redosed at 10:15 (eyeballed, about 50mg). I knew i was on my peak and i wanted it to last. I shared my mxe with one of the guys that was hosting the event and he was thankful. He offered me some LSD and Molly but i denied him. I wasn't ready to meet Lucy again, we needed to part ways and i need to grow more before i can be with her once more. I said no to Molly because, well, i was simply satisfied, my drug bus was full and i didnt wanna try to fit another party in there.
I never finished my first beer and it was forever lost lol. I was offered a second beer and chugged half of it. There were more people who wanted to try my mxe, people who wanted a weed, people who wanted a cigarette, i offered it all to them. The problem was that doing anything physical was impossible. It felt like 2 hours i was rummaging through my backpack trying to perform the action of finding my weed, my mxe, my scale, a tray, a water, a pipe, a lighter. Performing any action was relatively impossible outside of my mind, i kept getting stuck in paradoxes in my mind. I smoked more people out, dosed more people, learned their names, heard their stories.
I recieved another message from myself at 10:23: "In eastern philosophies, your spirit is your chi. Chi: is essentially energy within your bone marrow. Physics: energy cannot be created nor destroyed"... At this point i was attempting to describe to an athiest the idea of transcendence and how it is scientifically possible through a combination of sciences. I tried to explain that if you could combine, psychopharmocology, philosophy, spirituality and mass introspection that you could experience and understand your soul in an entirely different realm. And that's exactly what i was doing at this point. I was swapping back and forth between experiencing the spirit realm and getting lost in the music (more of the physical realm).
I felt as if i had entered the spirit realm. I thought about the composition of my body, how chemicals like water and carbon made up me and they were my spirit particals, what I eminate. I felt like i was in heaven, litterally. That we all existed in a spirit realm, thats how we were able to communicate, if we werent in the spirit realm then we wouldnt be able to interact with other spirits. I thought about how "reality" is the spirit realm and when you sleep, that's the "physical realm" because we experience it within our selves, within our own spirits. I thought about the idea of death, i thought how it couldnt exist, not from my perspective. I could experience vicariously a family member's death, i can see them leave this realm... but does that mean that that's how I experience it? NO! That's a paradox since it's all relative. I thought about how our faces were direct reflections of our souls(with the exception of fat, which i ended up thinking that the chemical stucture of fat may eminate a more kind aura that that of skin and bones), this is the point where i turned my attention outward, on the people around me
At about 10:45 i began coming down from my first plateau and i stood up and went ahead and joined the dance floor again. It was so hard to walk, i must have looked drunk off my ass, stumbling everywhere. I tried to dance, almost fell, tried again. It felt so good and i didnt care if i looked like an ass. I lost my attention span quickly and stood by the dj's who were judging each other. I walked past them, behind some trees and packed myself a personal bowl to enjoy by myself. I smoked it up, walked around and rejoined the music. I looked around, took in the environment. The tall trees, the bright fire, the light display they had projecting onto tree branches, i got lost looking at the lights for a while. The weed brought back visuals from the first peak (or maybe i was starting to come up on the second dose?). I lost track of time. I talked to people, shared drugs, shared experiences, spread love, hugs, kindness.
Before i knew it i had come down on my second dose(i have no idea where the time went, im assuming i got lost in the music and the people for an hour) and it was 11:45 and it was time to hike down from the woods down to the beach with the entire group of maybe 100 people. We followed the hosts in single file, i was about 6th in line lol. I was tripping rather hard and it was a 45-50 degree angle downwards at this point - not bad. The loose dirt on the ground was hard to walk on, you would take a step and slide down a half of foot before catching yourself. We had a nice 10 minute walk through the wilderness, leaving glow sticks on the ground for the people behind us to find their footing. I kept up with the guides reasonably well.
The bonfire - At 11:55 I arrived at the beach, people still piling in behind me. There was a huge amount of wood piled together in a pyramid on top of this 10 foot cliff overlooking the beach. I walked to the edge of the cliff looking out upon the waves rolling in at midnight. I lit up a cigarette, there was no moon, the clouds were covering it. I stood at the edge, embracing the universe, the bewildered and excited people around me and i felt pure bliss, pure love, something i hadn't felt in a long time... Writing this paragraph is bringing a tear to my eye, the moment was that touching, i wish i had a picture of that moment ='(. I'ma go have a smoke and come back and finish this report.
... ... So everyone arrives and finally gathers around the wood. i talk to some guys who are also getting lost in the beauty of the ocean and chit chatted with them for a minute. i finish my cigarette just as he's lighting the fire. I throw my stoge away and find a spot torwards the back of the huge bon fire crowd. They are dousing it with gasoline to get the fire to burn bigger. There is cheering as the fire radiates out in explosions. I'm torwards the back of the group in a spot where i can see both the fire and the ocean. I pack a bowl as they get the fire going, i smoke it bringing reminants of my second peak back. As the fire begins to envelope the entire stack of wood a shirtless man sits down with a drum and starts playing this african sounding music. Everyone is tripping and they are the shapers of our reality. A few people gather around the fire, making a flame show with these chains with some kind of torch like substance at the end of it doused in flame and they danced around the fire to the drums. I lost my weed at this point, no idea where it went. I wasn't worried, i figured if there was nothing i could do about it then there was no point in stressing. I redosed maybe 30 mg of mxe eyeballed and watched the show.
It's 12:20, the pyramid of wood had fallen and the formal show had ended. I noticed that it was sort of like i was part of a tribe from the the olden days. Couples were starting to pair off and dance wildly around the fire, some bold alpha males were trying to jump over the fire, nearly getting scorched with flames. Everyone's animal nature was coming out and i felt sort of left out. I decided to try and find myself a mate for the night. One of the women who was handling the fire dance (with the chains and junk) came and sat down next to me (this was certainly her making the first move), it was hard to flirt while i was on mxe so i decided to just be sincere, honest and as much of my self as i could muster. I told her "you know if i could dance right now, you'd definitely be the girl that'd do me the honor". I talked with her for maybe 15 mins - she wasn't the one, i knew it, she knew it, we both moved on. I found the first girl who i'd dosed standing by the fire. Turns out she was on acid and the effects of the mxe were long gone. She was however still tripping balls and i was not far from a plateau. I told her to direct her focus from her mind into her body. I rubbed her skin, i ran my hands along her back, her shoulders, giving her a massage, i was getting lost in giving pleasure and she was getting lost in the sensations. I didnt speak to her much, i did say "be in this moment, enjoy the pleasure" *i firmly squeezed her skin* "and embrace the pain, without pain your brain could not comprehend pleasure, it's a duality sort of thing that i took from philosophy." I gave her a sensual experience. Time proceeded to fly by. I Talked to a doctor who got fired for smoking pot, i talked to him about the blueprints and functions of the brain, trying to get him to teach me whatever i might be missing. I was too fucked up to get my point accross, it probably took 30 mins to explain to him my idea of how consciousness works and by that point he was lost and confused. It was about 1:15 at this point and i hiked back up the hill. I met more people along the way, a russian man, a sober women, the doctor was there too. I conversated as we took our time hiking through the pitch black forest. Losing our footing here and there, enjoying every moment of it.
I arrived back at camp and felt more at home than back in my home-town. I chattered with people, i drank more water, more caffiene. I shared more of my drug with people. I found a guy, or he found me rather and well to put it straight. We talked about drugs and i told him i was on mxe, he told me he was stoned and drunk. He had DMT and i had MXE. After i expressed my interest in the drug he offered some to me for free, 4 doses. he recommended i didnt do it last night and that i devote another night solely to it. He ran off after giving me it, i got his number in case i ever needed more exotic drugs. I was so excited! What goes around, comes around huh?
The Goddess: I sat down at the camp fire. Its about 1:35 and the music is bumping once again. I meet a girl and there is a spark there instantly. I talk to her and conversation flows freely, lust tied into every word, every action, none of it is forced. We talk about anything and everything. She is beautiful, we see the world in the same beautiful way. I flirt more, i hug her, my body pressed against hers, she smells so good, i dont wanna let go, i almost orgasm just from holding her. 3 guys show up, awkward looks on their faces. She had already met these guys earlier at the party and had been hanging out for a while. They looked pretty protective of her, i assumed one of them might be her boyfriend so i tried to lay off for a little while. I hung out with her for ever. I drank a few cups of beer from the keg, burping up mxe, light head ache, i take acetaminophen. I enjoy the company of her and her friends. One of her friends give me some water, ever so kindly (what goes around comes around
). I Am lightly stimulated, heavily euphoric, slightly numb, experiencing mild CEV's. I get up and enter a trance watching a guy giving a light show to somebody else. He starts walking away, i trust this girl and my other new friends enough that i leave my backpack and all of my valuables in their hands. I walk off and follow the light show guy into the crowd. I find him on the outskirts giving that same person a more isolated show. I couldn't help but join in. He was done after a few minutes, i quizzed about his blinking glow sticks. Wondering how they worked. He let me hold them... I fool around with them, giving myself a light show. It isn't 30 seconds before 4 guys approach me and ask for a light show - IVE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE LOL! but i confidently tell them that i'd love to, not telling them it's my first time trying this. They were on molly and weed and so i kept it fast paced. I was never good at dancing, never had much of a rhythm but last night i just flowed with the music. I felt the music the instant it'd switch up and i'd switch up the movements accordingly. I tripped them the fuck out while i was trippin as well. I was flying, i felt like a god among men. I asked them how it was, they loved it. I handed them back to the lightshow guy and thanked him plentifully for the experience. I walked back over to that one girl (i had already forgotten her name at this point lol, and she thought it was funny and i knew she had to be slightly offended, i had to make it up to her for this so i was a complete gentlemen for the rest of the night). 2:30 we walk over to this hill by the fire, it's pitch black and i didnt notice it before. You walk up this 65-75 degree slanted hill about 30 feet and you reach this rope hanging from a tall tree and at the end of it is 2 handles to hold on to and some glow sticks attatched to it to fly on. I watched as she grabbed on and leaped off of the steep hill, hurtling towards a tree, slowing at about 10 feet from the tree and swings back and forth, having fun, spinning on the rope. I caught her as she flew back my way and we had this little sexual moment where i was holding her again. I grabbed on to the rope like tarzan, climbed as high as the rope would reach on the hill and jumped off, i sped up tried kicking the tree opposite me at the bottom of the hill, missed and tried again at the top of the hill, this time i went diaganal off the hill and it turns out at the edge there is this abyssal cliff which im hanging over for a second before im dragged back over to the opposite side of the hill torwards the top and i can't stop myself from going back to the abyss, after 3 flys over i finally catch my footing in the middle of the hill. I finally stood back up and thanked myself for not slipping into that huge black hole. I guess I'll try to speed up the story because i essentially just spent the rest of the night in her presence and it's gonna get boring for you. Next to the tarzan rope was a treehouse, pretty high in the tree. You have to actually climb the tree to get up there, there's no ladder. So i follow her and her male friends into the tree and get up there. We chill up there for a while, looking down at the party for a little while. We climb back down and go by the camp fire. I talk to her more and im ever more intrigued. I flirt as hard as possible after i found out none of those boys were her bf and that she had a complicated relationship back in another state and they really didnt have much going for them, she just needed to get over him and i wanted to help. I gave her my best lines and they all worked, she was blushing, she was lusting just as i was. I told her about the girl i was supposed to go to this beach party with and she obviously got jealous. She prodded further. She's an aries and im a sagittarius which is perfect because we are both fire signs and she can handle my honesty. She wanted to know what made me me. I sold her my story as sincerely and honestly as possible, straight from the heart. She wanted to know more, i made her follow me to the dance floor and while there she put her arms around my shoulders, i put my hands around her hips. It was like a high school dance lol... I tried kissing her, she rejected me, she said she has a "30 day rule" or some crap like that. She asked me more about why i didnt have a girlfriend. I told her i was torn between trying to impress her and being honest. She said to be honest. So... I told her my fears. She actually had the audacity to ask where the fears rooted from. I opened up. i asked her about herself in the same respect. She opened up. I fancied her and i wanted her, i wanted to make love to her, i wanted to connect myself with her in the most spiritual way possible.
I found the guy who had given me the dmt and i had forgotten about my mxe but i had remembered when i saw him. I offered him some and he hastily said yes. I gave him 50 mg... 30 mins after that, he demandingly says he's not feeling anything and wants more. I tried to warn him but he wouldn't listen. I reluctantly gave him another 40 mg as per his direct orders.
The right of passage - (so to speak) I chatted with her some more before she said she'd go to the bathroom and during that time some guy smoked me out (sort of regret this, because i lost my drive to chase her due to the high) By the time i was ready to leave it was 5:50, the dmt guy was just hitting his peak on the mxe and he was sucked into the void, he wasn't able to even wave a goodbye. She was ready to leave as well so we left together. On my way there I took the long way, a 45 degree decline. She insisted that on our way out we took the 80 degree incline up through heavy brush. I wanted to impress her so i oblidged. She is a real outdoors girl and led the way with a flashlight up steep rocky, slippery dirt, plant life, and thick brush. I almost slipped a few times, i felt like simba (the father lion) from the lion king when scar is pushing him down the ledge. I was that close to falling to my death lol. I battled on through, finding foot holes in pitch blackness. About halfway up we approached thick brush with maybe 2 feet of clearing underneath it. We entered it and i was getting exhausted. It was even harder to climb this part of the face and i wouldnt have made it up certain parts without nature's cleverly designed branches within my vicinity. We made it to the top and i looked down upon the ocean, the 100 yard climb we had just made, the forest, everything and i couldn't quite enjoy it all because i was stoned and trying to think of a move to make on her. i walked her to her car. I was so stoned and slightly mxe'ed out at this point. I mean i got her number but i should have tried kissing her again, she was gonna sleep in her car. Why didnt i just fucking go with her? UGHH WTF. Ah well, i didnt wanna follow her into her truck and impose myself in there without an invite so when she asked me what i was about to go do, i just said my goodbye with a big hug and said i was gonna go catch my train, i told her to enjoy burning man and that i'd text her and hopefully i can come out to d.c. and take her on a date. She liked the idea and i walked back to the train station. Waited an hour or so for the train station to open, hopped on my train and accidentally slept on it while it went back and forth for 4 hours. I awoke at 12:30pm and headed home.
Overview: loved the drug, didnt like how addictive it was but overall it was amazing. it made an astounding night perfect. The night was just supposed to be a little, big party for me, that's what i had expected. Turned out to be like my own personal burning man, a true adventure. I came out of it feeling like the man that i've always wanted to be. I'm glad i went. I got some cool philosophical insights out of it, i get to try dmt soon, i go this girl's number and im texting her as i type on here, i got immersed in a tribe and i had a blast. I'm still in the afterglow, the headache has gone away but when i smoke cigarettes my lungs feel sore like they do after a strong dose of dxm (respiration distress from the downer?). I wrote this report mostly for me so i can remember it forever. Hope you guys enjoy it too, despite all of the ramblings
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tytyty.
before using it again.