3im gonna try to put my best effort to give good energy .. firstly i want to admit i know my situation is one of mood and not unfortunate or horrible circumstance. i want to get out of my stupid ass and just be present or aware for anyone besides me . but this is something yall who struggle with long term addiction stuff (specifcally the crashes from meth) .. it might be sloppy and unorganized but i used to write here when i was fuckin 21 .. a lot on these forums.. so its getting back to basics for moi.
basically its hard for me to take in the good.. im making the basic noob mistake of being way too open during the highs .. so i quit iv heroin . i got into fent smoking but the heroin here is better when ivd than the cold synthetic fent pathces .. unfortunately we have good #4 that dissolves without citric here.. so it was daily for 1 .5 years after quitting prior )4 years) .. i completely quit myself thanks to subutex (been on bupe for like 15 years) .. but the last year i started like 2 months before my father passed.. and when the horrible nightmare happened i went full throttle.. but in a way i didnt think was possible .. i woke up .. nolie.. 4 times a night .. 3 to 4 times just to go to the bathroom to hit my femoral. the femoral thing has been something i cant express how fucked it is. u know what kept me from diving in so hard? the fact i literally spent hours at the worst times looking for a vein. every vein in my arms, hands, legs, thighs, feet, i mean it.. i really thought they came back with some miracle body regeneration shit but nope. but after i was searching and almost bought a accuvein / hospital infrared profiessional vein finder.. i got on the holy tubes and found the quickest video of this guy just showing how easy it was. since i got that know how its been more of a curse. there are no situaitions any more like before with finding veins
i dont recommend it at alll .. the risk is much bigger but for me i didnt care about it at all and i am seriously telling u i was ok with od just a while ago
it feels good to vent that shit bro .. part of the issue with me is i always do the rehabs myself .. never got into the real deal sponsor aa na . rehab .. programs etc..
i want to but it just didnt happen
but listen im sahying this to say i love u whoever is going through that specific.. for example i cant really connect with a fellow druggie unless he she has been through the specific plague with h and .. the thing is meth is not phsycially addiciting at all.. whatsoever.. i have a script for 30mg addy and i know i can get a similar effect which is what i am alluding too..
meth iv gives me that vulnerabilty .. it makes me weak .. in all ways .. it literally takes away that masculine energy or ccomfortable stillness, or that confidence .. because i realize how punani and lame it is to be wanting just attention from a parent or projecting those feelings of needing to be kind of messed up .. but i know i get 1 thing while i trade in 4 or 5 or even 8 of the qualities men want. i know myself .. ive tried to bargain and mess with my pshyche by trying to form habits and stuff but i know where my weaknesses are and the cherry on top is .. i have no compass .. like what i mean is.. for some bizarre reason i either dont know of or for some devine reason i am alone and yea thats fixable but right now in my life i need to have something i can be proud of about myself
seriously i know this is to specifics and i know 100 percent a loootttttt of u are the ones i can relate to
i just dont see the point in going on..
because like everything .. i see myself in third person literally starting something and just stopping. our minds can deceive us and as long as we dont carry that guilt and somehow find a reasonable excuse for not going thru to the finish line..
fuck it broooooo i hate being in my own "ass" like .. i never thought it until today but if i am actually by diagnosis a narcicicst that shit would be extremely heavy to carry and acknowledge. my heart goes out to you not jjst in words but in energy
and sinceriety..
i dont know if i have been tapping into something which could be considered possinbly "smart" or "good" or just have been emberassing myself becuase in my opinion every human needs that compass or that stop sign just especially when the artificial temporary (thank G-d) psychosis or mania is induced (i know it too) by stimulant .. no sleep.. obsessive type behavior with no breaks ..
lastly i know some can relate .. when i am sober . i feel dumb and "jerk like". that weakness makes me analytical which in essence makes me think .. so for me when im sober minded i look back on certain stuff like strrictly elated to creative.. writing.. music.. "art" (hate thst word i think)
man its a all good i hope. u know what would be great. if i could talk to one of yall only if u into that long distance .. nsa .. dunno just brainstorming. im out.
love
added: my old @ on here is bijo )if its still here
basically its hard for me to take in the good.. im making the basic noob mistake of being way too open during the highs .. so i quit iv heroin . i got into fent smoking but the heroin here is better when ivd than the cold synthetic fent pathces .. unfortunately we have good #4 that dissolves without citric here.. so it was daily for 1 .5 years after quitting prior )4 years) .. i completely quit myself thanks to subutex (been on bupe for like 15 years) .. but the last year i started like 2 months before my father passed.. and when the horrible nightmare happened i went full throttle.. but in a way i didnt think was possible .. i woke up .. nolie.. 4 times a night .. 3 to 4 times just to go to the bathroom to hit my femoral. the femoral thing has been something i cant express how fucked it is. u know what kept me from diving in so hard? the fact i literally spent hours at the worst times looking for a vein. every vein in my arms, hands, legs, thighs, feet, i mean it.. i really thought they came back with some miracle body regeneration shit but nope. but after i was searching and almost bought a accuvein / hospital infrared profiessional vein finder.. i got on the holy tubes and found the quickest video of this guy just showing how easy it was. since i got that know how its been more of a curse. there are no situaitions any more like before with finding veins
i dont recommend it at alll .. the risk is much bigger but for me i didnt care about it at all and i am seriously telling u i was ok with od just a while ago
it feels good to vent that shit bro .. part of the issue with me is i always do the rehabs myself .. never got into the real deal sponsor aa na . rehab .. programs etc..
i want to but it just didnt happen
but listen im sahying this to say i love u whoever is going through that specific.. for example i cant really connect with a fellow druggie unless he she has been through the specific plague with h and .. the thing is meth is not phsycially addiciting at all.. whatsoever.. i have a script for 30mg addy and i know i can get a similar effect which is what i am alluding too..
meth iv gives me that vulnerabilty .. it makes me weak .. in all ways .. it literally takes away that masculine energy or ccomfortable stillness, or that confidence .. because i realize how punani and lame it is to be wanting just attention from a parent or projecting those feelings of needing to be kind of messed up .. but i know i get 1 thing while i trade in 4 or 5 or even 8 of the qualities men want. i know myself .. ive tried to bargain and mess with my pshyche by trying to form habits and stuff but i know where my weaknesses are and the cherry on top is .. i have no compass .. like what i mean is.. for some bizarre reason i either dont know of or for some devine reason i am alone and yea thats fixable but right now in my life i need to have something i can be proud of about myself
seriously i know this is to specifics and i know 100 percent a loootttttt of u are the ones i can relate to
i just dont see the point in going on..
because like everything .. i see myself in third person literally starting something and just stopping. our minds can deceive us and as long as we dont carry that guilt and somehow find a reasonable excuse for not going thru to the finish line..
fuck it broooooo i hate being in my own "ass" like .. i never thought it until today but if i am actually by diagnosis a narcicicst that shit would be extremely heavy to carry and acknowledge. my heart goes out to you not jjst in words but in energy
and sinceriety..
i dont know if i have been tapping into something which could be considered possinbly "smart" or "good" or just have been emberassing myself becuase in my opinion every human needs that compass or that stop sign just especially when the artificial temporary (thank G-d) psychosis or mania is induced (i know it too) by stimulant .. no sleep.. obsessive type behavior with no breaks ..
lastly i know some can relate .. when i am sober . i feel dumb and "jerk like". that weakness makes me analytical which in essence makes me think .. so for me when im sober minded i look back on certain stuff like strrictly elated to creative.. writing.. music.. "art" (hate thst word i think)
man its a all good i hope. u know what would be great. if i could talk to one of yall only if u into that long distance .. nsa .. dunno just brainstorming. im out.
love
added: my old @ on here is bijo )if its still here
