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mdma longterm comedown update

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Macenroe

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 6, 2013
Messages
108
Hi blue lighters, I am at month 5 of my long term comedown. If you are just feeling anxiety I can tell you that things will get much better, you will recover 100% as I did from my anxiety.

Now at month 5 I don't experiment anxiety anymore but I experiment feelings of detachement like derealization where I look at the mirror and I don't connect with my own image, I don't recognize myself 100% on the mirror if it makes sense.

I am still feeling definetly better at night time with almost no symptoms but in the mornings I feel very much detached, with blurry vision and my perception has changed like if things are not 100% real.


Something that gives me hope is that out of nowhere, I felt 100% good for almost a week with no symptoms at all so that should be a sign that there is no brain damage, just psychological issues I want to think.

Another funny secondary effect is that now sometimes my pupils are not even, one being bigger than the other one specially in the dark. As soon as I receive some sunlight they balance them out and reequilibrate.I always heard that asymmetrical pupils are a sign of brain damage. scary shit


I just snorted 4 lines of amphetamines 5 months ago and since then my perception changed causing me a sensation of head tension with mild headaches. I pray to recover one day.


Any of you can relate to this?
 
Macenroe said:
Hi blue lighters, I am at month 5 of my long term comedown. If you are just feeling anxiety I can tell you that things will get much better, you will recover 100% as I did from my anxiety.

Now at month 5 I don't experiment anxiety anymore but I experiment feelings of detachement like derealization where I look at the mirror and I don't connect with my own image, I don't recognize myself 100% on the mirror if it makes sense.

I am still feeling definetly better at night time with almost no symptoms but in the mornings I feel very much detached, with blurry vision and my perception has changed like if things are not 100% real.


Something that gives me hope is that out of nowhere, I felt 100% good for almost a week with no symptoms at all so that should be a sign that there is no brain damage, just psychological issues I want to think.

Another funny secondary effect is that now sometimes my pupils are not even, one being bigger than the other one specially in the dark. As soon as I receive some sunlight they balance them out and reequilibrate.I always heard that asymmetrical pupils are a sign of brain damage. scary shit


I just snorted 4 lines of amphetamines 5 months ago and since then my perception changed causing me a sensation of head tension with mild headaches. I pray to recover one day.


Any of you can relate to this?
Click to expand...

Good to hear that you're getting better, time heals everything. Just a note - uneven pupil size is very rarely 'brain damage' (although it can in very rare cases). My pupils are always unevenly sized, with the right being slightly larger. It's nothing to really worry about.
 
Good to hear about the progress!

I noticed that my pupils are about 1mm uneven, with the left being the largest. According to wiki its normal for 20% of the population, and I've noticed since I was a kid that the exposure and hue is a bit different between my eyes. Never actually compared their size before the panic induced hypochondriac state I was in when my comedown started.

No worries
 
hey, glad to hear you're getting better and hope you recover 100% soon! as always healthy diet, exercise, and also a bit of meditation if you're into that kind of stuff.
 
Macenroe: How about your excitement about things and life in general? Is that back?

This seems to be the main issue of my comedown - I believe that my lack of emotions is what is causing all my anxiety and motivation issues. My anxiety does get better through the day as I seems to be more relaxed in the evening, but my excitement never returns, and in the mornings i'm just living hell again.
 
I'm getting a lot of panic attacks, and am I ever sick of them at this point. It all started 4 months ago, when I started getting unbearable panic attacks when I was stoned. My heart would pound out of my chest and I would contemplate calling an ambulance but instead down a lot of booze. These panic symptoms are truly a nightmare. I have always experienced anxiety with weed, and ever since day 1 I've gotten panic symptoms too, but for some reason it is the most addictive thing ever for me. When I am stoned, I am stupid, irresponsible, lazy, nervous, a scaredycat, and very anxious. Smoking weed is the only drug I have ever used which I feel completely warps my personality into somebody different, and this is why I lose all self control with the stuff. This second version of myself is too stupid and lazy to understand important concepts to responsible drug use such a moderation, and enduring the comedown instead of redosing. Therefore, cannabis is the only drug I ever became completely obsessed with and lost years of my life to. I regret it so much because I never even liked being stoned, but ever since that first hit the desire to use it again was mind blowing strong. It really fucked with my mental health though, and even 4 months later I'm getting these panic attacks on a regular basis and I need to be on meds or otherwise my life would be a 100% panic freakout.

I have used low doses of heroin, cocaine, methamphetamine, and MDMA in moderation for a long while with no ill effects but it doesn't matter because I got completely fucked over by this silly weed. I smoked it from morning til night for the past 5 years, and it literally ruined my life. I couldn't stop because of how dependent I was both physically and mentally and the stuff. I have been quitting for years - failed attempt after failed attempt. I do think that low serotonin levels from my past ecstasy use possibly contributed to how bad it got with the weed. It would have happened anyway though, because smoking weed has always wrecked my mental health while I never really noticed anything with M. I know damn well what this is about. I was basically junkie fucking scum with the cannabis - I wasted $20,000 in one year to feed the intense cravings and ward off the withdrawals. All my life, I have raised my tolerance to cannabis by smoking it all day so that I could continue to be a pothead, since I get panic attacks if I have a low tolerance. It was always all or nothing with the herb. But the anxiety of habitual use become more and more severe until I triggered an extreme panic attack, which forced me into the unbearable withdrawal nightmare, where I was puking my guts out for the first 10 days losing 20 pounds from the appetite suppression, and now I'm mentally ill.

I haven't done any drugs in 4 months, and I really want to get back to my old self who didn't have sober panic attacks and didn't need to be on meds. I am taking a lot of fish oil, and 2 grams of L-tryptophan each day. As well as health foods. Hopefully my recovery will be measured in months and not years, but time will tell. A full recovery may be unrealistic. Before I started heavily abusing weed, my anxiety issues were practically non existent. One thing being certain, I will never smoke weed again as long as I live. I would certainly like to roll once or twice, if I am ever able to reach a state of mental stability again. But I was overloading my brain with massive bong rips and hits of hash oil from morning til night, day after day for years, while egotistically not listening to all the obvious warning signs of my body, because I had to be an ego and refuse to acknowledge that it was fucking with me, going along with the stoner culture garbage fucking nonsense, and now I am paying a very serious price for that foolish behaviour. I have been scarred for life by this garbage weed.

I am also turning into a heroin addict now. Ever since I started getting panic attacks all day every day, which was when the long term effects of smoking weed hit me all at once like a ton of bricks, using heroin habitually has become an appealing option. This is because I do not give a fuck about my worthless life anymore. I'm not someone who can put up with garbage fuckin' nonsense like having panic attacks all day, and I really don't like the medication they put me on either. One way around this is to use heroin because that way I never get any panic attacks, and also I have been in chronic pain for 2 years. The only way I can get around that is to take heroin now.
 
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yeah panic attacks are awful... thats why I can never roll again...

mdma fucks me up for months....the comedowns are long, dark, and scary. they make me feel like Im at the end of my life...it was horrifying.

So over rolling
 
Delfin said:
Macenroe: How about your excitement about things and life in general? Is that back?

This seems to be the main issue of my comedown - I believe that my lack of emotions is what is causing all my anxiety and motivation issues. My anxiety does get better through the day as I seems to be more relaxed in the evening, but my excitement never returns, and in the mornings i'm just living hell again.
Click to expand...

I can relate to this. Not to this extreme. But yeah, my joy is almost barely there. Ill have a few good weeks of being in not depressed state. But then, like right now, ill relapse hard into depression.
 
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