MDMA and long term depression.

[Phoenix_rising]

For many years i abused MDMA like many that use the substance.The flood of serotonin in the brain is just the most addictive feeling in the world,again and again we want to recreate that feeling,but slowly and surely we wear out that neurotransmitter until it`s firing only a dribble.

Now im no chemist or biologist,but i have an inquisitive mind and read and search a lot for answers,so for me it only makes sense that if we abuse and manipulate our own brain chemistry that much,there is a price to pay. From my own experience,i used to find the thrill of a fair to be one of the best feelings,by going on certain rides i was triggering brain chemicals that gave such desired feelings that were totally natural,but after finding MDMA those natural feelings changed,all of the good things in life that we take for granted,like sex,chocolate,fairground rides,fast cars etc etc became nothing in comparison to the thrill of MDMA,nothing compared and i believe this to be because i had abused the life out of it and of my natural supply of serotonin and dopamine.

Even MDMA eventually couldn`t arouse my barin chemicals and that`s when depression kicked in big time,imagine not being able to find any comfort in anything,having no desire,nothing shined,not even the sun,not in my world in any case.It`s now been ten years since i had MDMA and it`s only now that i`m finding my way back again.The birth of my son was the closest feeling to MDMA that i ever had and i believe that is down to the hormone oxytocin.I`m slowly finding the pleasures in life again,my brain i believe is now starting to produce sufficient amounts of what i need to see life as good again.

MDMA for me was truely a miracle until i abused the life out of it and me,so depression is not always the final outcome from using MDMA but i think it certainly is if it`s abused,for a healthy mind,every now and then i think MDMA could enrich a life and open the soul.It`s a real shame that i was greedy and without sense.

 

[Phoenix_rising]

Why not? Could you elaborate? Your reply doesn`t make much sense to me.

 

[Bearlove]

Why not? Could you elaborate? Your reply doesn`t make much sense to me.

I was going to ask them the same question.

You say that you abused MDMA for many years - how much were you taking and how often? Were you combining with other drugs? The days you were not using were you living a healthy lifestyle with food / exercise etc? When did you realize you were abusing - looking back was there any points that you 'now' wished you had stopped at (and for people abusing now could relate with).

*sorry if that sounds like a '20 questions' post or an interview - I'm just curious to your circumstances and feel a little bit of background information would be of use to a lot of people*

 

[Phoenix_rising]

Thats good that you ask the questions Bearlove and i will do my best to answer them. On average i was taking five pills a session,upto three nights a week for about two years,i used to drink alcohol when on them but mainly on the way down,but used to drink wine most nights a week.There were times when i combined the MDMA pills with Ketamine,these were my three drugs of choice MDMA,Alcohol and Ketamine.

My lifestyle wasn`t healthy,i did eat healthy food but also not so healthy stuff too.I did get some excercise,probably the recommended amount each week.I only ever realised i was abusing after i hit self destruct,where i would black out for days,my behaviour was extreme and i did things that were out of character,i eneded up in police cells and evetually a rehab,i didn`t realise just how bad i had gotten because i was so out of it all the time.Now i know many people out there will say that it was because of the other drugs that i had such bad depression and i would say yes to a point,they didn`t help,but i still do believe that it was mainly due to the amount of MDMA i was using.

In hindsight and now knowing what type of personality i have,i wish i hadn`t of ever used MDMA or most other drugs for that fact,i`m extreme with most things i do so ultimately ruin the experience...I think moderation is the key,self control,if you have self discipline then these chemicals can be used to enrich a life.In my case instead of singing with angels i decided to dance with the devil and paid the price.

If someone can relate to this and take something from it and learn then thats great.Personally i think drugs are wonderful and in no way am i knocking them,but they can also lead to some very bad experiences if not used carefully and if not respected.

 

[ComfortablyNumb95]

yeah that's why i infinitely thanks bluelight and erowid (and other various forums but esp those 2 sites) because they have taught me to research the hell out of a substance before even trying to take it - let alone abusing it

 

[ABCDFG I Ate The E]

yeah that's why i infinitely thanks bluelight and erowid (and other various forums but esp those 2 sites) because they have taught me to research the hell out of a substance before even trying to take it - let alone abusing it

This^^^

and I agree with the OP 100% because I feel the same. I abused the hell out of MDMA since I was 17 when I first discovered it, i'm now 21. Besides MDMA I think the main culprit was 6-apb, as I had such easy access to it.. would have 100g sitting around, went on a few 2-week benders with 6-apb, sometimes didn't sleep for 6 days. Then came daily MXE use for over 4 months, then again after a few month break. I don't use MDMA anymore probably because the crashes started to get unbearable.. and i'm now on SSRI's so molly doesn't have an effect on me. I feel the same as the OP as in, depression, having no desire.. for anything really.