This is my first post not sure how this all going to work or if anyone will actually read this but here's my story.
I living in London and Im now 19 years of age and have been smoking weed since the age of 13 and a everyday user since i was the age of 16, I was a fairly confident guy my whole life even though i was smoking weed every single day, it used to be a very social thing for me and id rarely smoke on my own. When i was 16 i dropped out of college because i wasn't down with the long commute and decided i might as well just go and get a job as i was unsure of what i wanted to do and so i had very little motivation to study, i was working on a construction site and at this point i was happy because i was earning good money for my age and was going out a lot meeting girls etc, i wasn't even aware that smoking weed every day was an addiction it was just something i loved i didnt feel like it held me back a lot, id say about a year ago i started getting really anxious about stuff and was having panic attacks every day and this caused me to quit my job because i couldn't deal with anything anymore work, friends, going out etc, it was all so horrendous for me, i slowly lost all my confidence and my social life became non-existent, for about 6 months all i did was stay at home all day and smoke weed, i was almost agoraphobic you could say bar going out to buy weed and maybe getting some stuff from the shops which was extremely difficult for me, my parents were very supportive of me but almost felt like there was nothing they could do to help me as i was in such resistance, ( we all know you cant help someone who doesn't want help) i wasn't open with my friends about it i just kept making excuses hoping in the end they would just stop asking me to come out and do things which they did, i even made up some bullshit to a girl i was with at the time on how my feelings had changed which broke her heart and mine, but was all just because i couldn't face seeing her anymore as id feel so paranoid and be having panic attacks etc i felt so ashamed of the person i was and felt like if i told her the truth about what was going on she wouldn't understand and it would have just torn her up more, i didn't want medication or to stop smoking weed i just wanted to be left alone, almost embarrassed about my situation, it was like by me smoking so much weed it just putting a pillow over the awful situation i was in, i was numb to my emotions i would just smoke a joint instead of deal with them, I took no action to get better ( real action, not reading about it, spiritual teachings etc), despite my parents setting up therapists etc i just wouldn't go it was too frightening , i got so sick of this i decided i couldn't stand it any longer and i booked a holiday to cyprus for some sun, sea and NO WEED, i thought it would be my chance to heal and face what i was scared of, Getting on a plane and all of that was the most horrendous experience of my life i couldnt sleep for 2 nights before i went and almost bailed on it, when i arrived I have to say the withdrawals were so intense i felt like i was dying, my anxiety was worse by 10 fold, i had a feeling of hopelessness and was having suicidal thoughts everyday and i just couldn't handle it, it was like for the first time i had came face to face with my depression that i hadn't even noticed properly before, strangely i was managing to go to the beach and go out to eat and stuff (not much appetite). I had to do everything i could to distract myself on holiday as i thought if i just stayed in the hotel i would end up doing something stupid. everything was so unenjoyable i was lying on the beach in the sun feeling like i wanted to die and i think because i was in such a beautiful place it made me feel worse about it, My social anxiety started to vanish slightly but i can tell you now it was one of the worst experiences of my life but definitely something that needed to happen, all my emotions that i was hiding from over 3 years hit me in two weeks but it did help me get some clarity back on my life and plans for the future etc ( i dont want be a construction worker my whole life ) Im not 100% blaming all of this on weed but i think it was a huge contributing factor. it has been a month since the holiday and i still haven't smoked im having cravings every day still and find it quite hard to sleep, im definitely better as im able to go out a bit more like meet my friends and im back in the gym now. not back at work just yet, thankfully they still kept my job open for me, ( such a blessing i know ) if anyone would like to share their perception on what I've been going through would be so much appreciated, or if anyone have had an experience similar? one day i would love to enjoy weed again but in moderation and i think im not a strong enough person to do that at the moment and extremely fearful of falling back into the same patterns, sorry the post is so long, i really do appreciate it if someone took the time to read this.
hope you're all doing okay.
Much love
I living in London and Im now 19 years of age and have been smoking weed since the age of 13 and a everyday user since i was the age of 16, I was a fairly confident guy my whole life even though i was smoking weed every single day, it used to be a very social thing for me and id rarely smoke on my own. When i was 16 i dropped out of college because i wasn't down with the long commute and decided i might as well just go and get a job as i was unsure of what i wanted to do and so i had very little motivation to study, i was working on a construction site and at this point i was happy because i was earning good money for my age and was going out a lot meeting girls etc, i wasn't even aware that smoking weed every day was an addiction it was just something i loved i didnt feel like it held me back a lot, id say about a year ago i started getting really anxious about stuff and was having panic attacks every day and this caused me to quit my job because i couldn't deal with anything anymore work, friends, going out etc, it was all so horrendous for me, i slowly lost all my confidence and my social life became non-existent, for about 6 months all i did was stay at home all day and smoke weed, i was almost agoraphobic you could say bar going out to buy weed and maybe getting some stuff from the shops which was extremely difficult for me, my parents were very supportive of me but almost felt like there was nothing they could do to help me as i was in such resistance, ( we all know you cant help someone who doesn't want help) i wasn't open with my friends about it i just kept making excuses hoping in the end they would just stop asking me to come out and do things which they did, i even made up some bullshit to a girl i was with at the time on how my feelings had changed which broke her heart and mine, but was all just because i couldn't face seeing her anymore as id feel so paranoid and be having panic attacks etc i felt so ashamed of the person i was and felt like if i told her the truth about what was going on she wouldn't understand and it would have just torn her up more, i didn't want medication or to stop smoking weed i just wanted to be left alone, almost embarrassed about my situation, it was like by me smoking so much weed it just putting a pillow over the awful situation i was in, i was numb to my emotions i would just smoke a joint instead of deal with them, I took no action to get better ( real action, not reading about it, spiritual teachings etc), despite my parents setting up therapists etc i just wouldn't go it was too frightening , i got so sick of this i decided i couldn't stand it any longer and i booked a holiday to cyprus for some sun, sea and NO WEED, i thought it would be my chance to heal and face what i was scared of, Getting on a plane and all of that was the most horrendous experience of my life i couldnt sleep for 2 nights before i went and almost bailed on it, when i arrived I have to say the withdrawals were so intense i felt like i was dying, my anxiety was worse by 10 fold, i had a feeling of hopelessness and was having suicidal thoughts everyday and i just couldn't handle it, it was like for the first time i had came face to face with my depression that i hadn't even noticed properly before, strangely i was managing to go to the beach and go out to eat and stuff (not much appetite). I had to do everything i could to distract myself on holiday as i thought if i just stayed in the hotel i would end up doing something stupid. everything was so unenjoyable i was lying on the beach in the sun feeling like i wanted to die and i think because i was in such a beautiful place it made me feel worse about it, My social anxiety started to vanish slightly but i can tell you now it was one of the worst experiences of my life but definitely something that needed to happen, all my emotions that i was hiding from over 3 years hit me in two weeks but it did help me get some clarity back on my life and plans for the future etc ( i dont want be a construction worker my whole life ) Im not 100% blaming all of this on weed but i think it was a huge contributing factor. it has been a month since the holiday and i still haven't smoked im having cravings every day still and find it quite hard to sleep, im definitely better as im able to go out a bit more like meet my friends and im back in the gym now. not back at work just yet, thankfully they still kept my job open for me, ( such a blessing i know ) if anyone would like to share their perception on what I've been going through would be so much appreciated, or if anyone have had an experience similar? one day i would love to enjoy weed again but in moderation and i think im not a strong enough person to do that at the moment and extremely fearful of falling back into the same patterns, sorry the post is so long, i really do appreciate it if someone took the time to read this.
hope you're all doing okay.
Much love
