Making sense of things

[Zephyn]

So, I've been using drugs for over 15 years. The vast majority of those experiences have been with psychedelics, although I did abuse a lot of mdma, its analogues, and prescription amphetamines as a teenager. I had tried opiates, here and there and was never really too into them. Watching friends succumb to addiction, withdraw, or die always kind of scared me off. I think when you are living a happy life, with no worries or troubles, it can be completely safe to experiment with hard drugs like heroin or cocaine. But once you've crossed that line in your consciousness "ive done this", when SHTF, it is that much easier to turn to.

Around 3 years ago I had a particularly toxic relationship and nasty divorce. I wound up losing my job and house, and trying methamphetamine for the first time. I binged on it until I wound up in a total psychosis and was hospitalized. I was slapped with a schizophrenia diagnosis and thrown to the street with a script for benzos and antipsychotics. Since then, I've done meth maybe 10 times. Nearly every single time I've been hospitalized for psychosis. Nowadays the diagnosis is bipolar. The last time was scary, I hadn't used in maybe 10 hours and was just chilling, black out, next thing I come to and im in traffic flagging down cars screaming some crazy shit. I spent the night in the hospital, and the next day my eyes couldn't focus and adjust right, I had sores in my mouth, it was horrid.

I've also experimented with crack binges (emptying my bank account 20 days at a time) and heroin use over the past couple years. Anyway, id been in and out of rehab for the past 3 years, I believe 5 times. The time before last, somehow while in there with the limited access I had to a phone I lined up a job offer for 130k (the most id ever made before was 50/h and im a dropout). I was sure I was going to stay sober. I started working remotely and eventually moved to the new city where the job was (one of my dream places to live). On the airplane on the way to my new city, I decided id had enough of the constant anxiety I was living with and that I was gonna score some BTH when I got to the city. As id always been able to control my opiate use in the past, I smoked a little and didn't think anything of it. Weeks went by (only managing to take a break here and there to avoid physical dependence). By the end of this bender, I was again jobless, had been illegally kicked out of my new place and homeless, so I wound up doing meth again.


So that was a while ago. I've been 90 days or more without hard drugs. I barely even have cravings anymore. I tried total abstinence, but its not for me, I suffer too strong after even 90 days that I need something occasionally. I won't ever touch heroin, meth, or coke again. I dont really get cravings. But I have pure anhedonia. And on days when I am not anhedonic, im a nervous wreck with anxiety. Idk how it could be something like PAWS as I was never physically dependent (although was probably close). Thru those years I was also on and off zyprexa by doctors who didn't know me. I dont suffer from psychosis sober; or even on psychedelics.

Its been about a month since I quit the zyprexa.

I wake up in physical pain from the depression and anxiety. Ketamine helps, but only for about a week. Id try other meds but from all my research, IF I am bipolar, there's not many good options out there.

Now I wouldnt worry except, I have little to no support and enen though I'm a kind and attractive guy, who doesn't lack any particular confidence, I have trouble communicating. Especially with strangers. Its not that I'm self conscious its that literally no words form in my head. That plus resting bitch face. How am I supposed to make any friends or God forbid find another lover? Its even this way around family. Ill invite them all for a walk along the water, in an attempt for force myself out of my head, and I just can't talk. One even asked me if I hated them. No no no, my brain is just broken!!

The empty anhedonic feeling has been there since my last meth abuse months ago. The feeling is nearly identical to the day I stopped. Its like my brain can't make dopamine.

Now I know I wasn't a serious meth or heroin user, but I was IVing goofballs for weeks. And my doses of meth were probably technically overdoses.

I also had some traumatic stuff happen in the recent past, so how much of this is a genetic disorder (i used to be VERY happy silly guy), whats side effects from drug abuse, nd what is ptsd.

 

[Pinkbeam]

Sounds rough buddy. I feel for ya. Have you thought about starting some therapy?

It's crazy how meth affects you. Sounds like you definitely need to stay away from the hard drugs.

Its difficult to be sober, especially if you feel no pleasure in your life.

There are foods that help restore dopamine. Google the dopamine diet. I remember bananas and nuts were on the list, and a lot more.

Best of luck to you. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Zephyn]

I've gone to group therapy for addicts, which was hit and miss, but no, not really. I am on a waiting list for an appointment with a psychologist. You really think a handful of binges could be that neurotoxic that im still suffering months later? :'( if so, I might try that bpc-157 shit.

I'm wondering if its more like, maybe it triggered bipolar for real. Or maybe its antipsychotic withdrawal.

What gets me, is out of the 5 times I went to rehab, within 3 days to a week I was feeling okay and normal. This time, I watched as everyone sat around all chipper chatting away while I suffered silently until the end.

 

[Pinkbeam]

I've gone to group therapy for addicts, which was hit and miss, but no, not really. I am on a waiting list for an appointment with a psychologist. You really think a handful of binges could be that neurotoxic that im still suffering months later? :'( if so, I might try that bpc-157 shit.

I'm wondering if its more like, maybe it triggered bipolar for real. Or maybe its antipsychotic withdrawal.

What gets me, is out of the 5 times I went to rehab, within 3 days to a week I was feeling okay and normal. This time, I watched as everyone sat around all chipper chatting away while I suffered silently until the end.

So, do you think your bipolar? You might benefit from a different antipsychotic and some antidepressants. And I suggest talking to a counselor, too. Not just the psych dr. They give you meds but they dont talk about your problems. A counselor will know you better and can figure out if you have been misdiagnosed. Usually if the counselor works in the same building as the psych dr, they communicate. That's how it happened for me. My counselor was the one that diagnosed me with BPD first from all our talks. It's really important regardless of who you see, that you are honest about your past drug use. That plays a huge role in how you feel, so they need to know in order to correctly help you.

 

[Zephyn]

Sounds rough buddy. I feel for ya. Have you thought about starting some therapy?

It's crazy how meth affects you. Sounds like you definitely need to stay away from the hard drugs.

Its difficult to be sober, especially if you feel no pleasure in your life.

There are foods that help restore dopamine. Google the dopamine diet. I remember bananas and nuts were on the list, and a lot more.

Best of luck to you. I hope you feel better soon.

So, do you think your bipolar? You might benefit from a different antipsychotic and some antidepressants. And I suggest talking to a counselor, too. Not just the psych dr. They give you meds but they dont talk about your problems. A counselor will know you better and can figure out if you have been misdiagnosed. Usually if the counselor works in the same building as the psych dr, they communicate. That's how it happened for me. My counselor was the one that diagnosed me with BPD first from all our talks. It's really important regardless of who you see, that you are honest about your past drug use. That plays a huge role in how you feel, so they need to know in order to correctly help you.

One doctor i spoke with said it would be irresponsible to diagnose me with bipolar or a mood disorder when I have a decade of drug abuse and haven't even had a 6 month stretch of sobriety. He said i would need a year of two to determine whether it was bipolar or brain damage. I've been on and off zyprexa, which has caused me many other withdrawal issues, and I've never had a manic episode sober, however I do suffer from extreme depression in seemingly cyclical patterns. One less experienced doctor put me on Depakote, while I was in rehab and sober 2 weeks. They slightly adjusted the dosage and I blacked out and apparently wound up naked in the middle of the street and was then hospitalized for a month where they tried all different kinds of drugs. That was the only time I've ever been psychotic without meth and sleep deprivation involved.

Because of all of this, I want to give my brain a chance to TRY to reach homeostasis that it's never known

Ssris give me horrible anxiety and dp/dr. Mirtazapine was helpful and relaxing but had had side effects and also had terrible withdrawal effects that might be contributing to how I feel lately.

My best bet so far: Self medication with monthly ketamine, diazapam no more than 3 or 4 times a month, kratom 3 days a week, and some occazional gapabentinoid. All this to survive while I try to address the root of my issues with psychedelics. I know how dumb this sounds but I have practiced and able to maintain and control my use of these specific compounds. But I've tried abstinence and my issue is obviously not just drug related, and my drug abuse is a symptom of *something*?

I've been diagnosed by Random doctors who had no insight into me of my life with:
Aspergers (once as a child it was suggested)
OCD
Schizoaffective
Bipolar
Adhd
Ptsd

Can't say I support any of them

 

[Pinkbeam]

One doctor i spoke with said it would be irresponsible to diagnose me with bipolar or a mood disorder when I have a decade of drug abuse and haven't even had a 6 month stretch of sobriety. He said i would need a year of two to determine whether it was bipolar or brain damage. I've been on and off zyprexa, which has caused me many other withdrawal issues, and I've never had a manic episode sober, however I do suffer from extreme depression in seemingly cyclical patterns. One less experienced doctor put me on Depakote, while I was in rehab and sober 2 weeks. They slightly adjusted the dosage and I blacked out and apparently wound up naked in the middle of the street and was then hospitalized for a month where they tried all different kinds of drugs. That was the only time I've ever been psychotic without meth and sleep deprivation involved.

Because of all of this, I want to give my brain a chance to TRY to reach homeostasis that it's never known

Ssris give me horrible anxiety and dp/dr. Mirtazapine was helpful and relaxing but had had side effects and also had terrible withdrawal effects that might be contributing to how I feel lately.

My best bet so far: Self medication with monthly ketamine, diazapam no more than 3 or 4 times a month, kratom 3 days a week, and some occazional gapabentinoid. All this to survive while I try to address the root of my issues with psychedelics. I know how dumb this sounds but I have practiced and able to maintain and control my use of these specific compounds. But I've tried abstinence and my issue is obviously not just drug related, and my drug abuse is a symptom of *something*?

I've been diagnosed by Random doctors who had no insight into me of my life with:
Aspergers (once as a child it was suggested)
OCD
Schizoaffective
Bipolar
Adhd
Ptsd

Can't say I support any of them

I think your self medicating plan sounds like a great idea, especially the gabapentin and kratom.

 

[Fiori di Bella]

Goodness Zephyn, so many parts of your story really resonated with me. The anhedonia, first and foremost. I had a series of events hit me in 2010 that appear to be too much for my dopamine to overcome. Since 2010, I have noticed that I no longer laugh the way I used to. I too, btw, have resting bitch face, and I have a grouper (a fish with an exaggerated frown) face when I sleep. I don’t know logically why things have gone so downhill for me, I know that I fell apart when I lost my dad because he committed suicide hours after we talked and he left all sorts of things out for me which I found in his house. I know he was trying to be funny when he set up all the emails that I would get at different points in the future after he’d died. But tbh I found it difficult to deal with as it felt like I was opening up a new wound every time. I still have dreams where I go to his house as I did that morning and he’s in the same weird sailor outfit as he was. But when I go into his room, he greets me with an enthusiastic “Hello! What are we going to do today?” When I’m not quite awake, I’m at first confused as to whether he’s alive or dead.

Since 2010, I have been taking more opiates than I had before. I was sent to a pain clinic and I am on a regimen that seems to be working for me.
I’m divorced from the guy that my dad hated and I recently broke up with a guy that my dad and mom knew my entire life and I remember hanging out with when I was 4 or 5 years old. We broke up this August after dating for 9 years. I’m sad that things went down the way they did, but yeah. And to make me feel worse, his mom and my mom were bffs that met as young teenagers at summer camp. They went on to work together. They are now both dead. And they met 70+ years ago.
My cat currently is seeming sick over the past 2-3 days and he’s 16 years old. I’m worried that he’s going to die. He keeps barfing. Like 3 times a day. He is eating and drinking a bit, though.
And aside from all that and losing my job several months ago and needing to find a new one in the next few weeks, I guess things are what they are.

So I have been unable to find my old self through all of this crap. There’s a lot more that went down in 2010 but if I start to write it down I will hijack your thread. My mom would say that I lost my sparkle. She was deep into Dementia by the time my anhedonia really took hold, and I know she knew something was wrong, but she didn’t know how to help me.

 

[Flynnal]

So I have been unable to find my old self through all of this crap. There’s a lot more that went down in 2010 but if I start to write it down I will hijack your thread. My mom would say that I lost my sparkle. She was deep into Dementia by the time my anhedonia really took hold, and I know she knew something was wrong, but she didn’t know how to help me.

Wow, that's more than anyone, sane or not, could ever handle - even if it happened 10 years ago. I can't even relate to most of it because it is so much worse than anything I've been through apart from my own mother's death when I was 12. I hope your cat is OK, my nan lost her dog to diabetes back in June (both nan and I are still grieving the loss) and she still isn't the same since that happened, but she is coping well considering how bad 2020 has been so far.

 

[Zephyn]

Goodness Zephyn, so many parts of your story really resonated with me. The anhedonia, first and foremost. I had a series of events hit me in 2010 that appear to be too much for my dopamine to overcome. Since 2010, I have noticed that I no longer laugh the way I used to. I too, btw, have resting bitch face, and I have a grouper (a fish with an exaggerated frown) face when I sleep. I don’t know logically why things have gone so downhill for me, I know that I fell apart when I lost my dad because he committed suicide hours after we talked and he left all sorts of things out for me which I found in his house. I know he was trying to be funny when he set up all the emails that I would get at different points in the future after he’d died. But tbh I found it difficult to deal with as it felt like I was opening up a new wound every time. I still have dreams where I go to his house as I did that morning and he’s in the same weird sailor outfit as he was. But when I go into his room, he greets me with an enthusiastic “Hello! What are we going to do today?” When I’m not quite awake, I’m at first confused as to whether he’s alive or dead.

Since 2010, I have been taking more opiates than I had before. I was sent to a pain clinic and I am on a regimen that seems to be working for me.
I’m divorced from the guy that my dad hated and I recently broke up with a guy that my dad and mom knew my entire life and I remember hanging out with when I was 4 or 5 years old. We broke up this August after dating for 9 years. I’m sad that things went down the way they did, but yeah. And to make me feel worse, his mom and my mom were bffs that met as young teenagers at summer camp. They went on to work together. They are now both dead. And they met 70+ years ago.
My cat currently is seeming sick over the past 2-3 days and he’s 16 years old. I’m worried that he’s going to die. He keeps barfing. Like 3 times a day. He is eating and drinking a bit, though.
And aside from all that and losing my job several months ago and needing to find a new one in the next few weeks, I guess things are what they are.

So I have been unable to find my old self through all of this crap. There’s a lot more that went down in 2010 but if I start to write it down I will hijack your thread. My mom would say that I lost my sparkle. She was deep into Dementia by the time my anhedonia really took hold, and I know she knew something was wrong, but she didn’t know how to help me.

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. My father has lost some relatives recently and has been threatening suicide. It would kill me. Kudos to you for still being here. I know what it can feel like to have barely any family left and I can't even imagine. Puts things into perspective for me that things could be worse, and im sure a lot of peoples trauma compounds like mine did.

Best I can say is I've been doing some inner work trying to shift my focus on death. Like those cultures who have celebrations of life rather than funerals. I dont handle grief well, though, even losing a couple friends has torn me up. When my immediate family (who is all in their 70s) start passing its going to fuck me up. The only thing I could see getting me strung out on heroin or meth again, in fact. Here's to hoping I'm better off stable mentally by then.