Mental Health Major Depressive Disorder & Self-Harm

[Pibolar]

I was recently diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, with persistent traits...

One night it got really bad, I was on a few different drugs. I needed someone to talk to around 4AM a couple months ago. I had no other option. After calling multiple hotlines (which was harder than I ever could have imagined), I checked myself into the ER just to talk to someone. It was just too much to handle on my own, and I felt alone and as though no one else was there for me. I often find myself crying for seemingly no reason, I just get waves of overwhelming emotions and negative thoughts.

I followed up a couple weeks ago and began to see a therapist. I was officially diagnosed during my first session, although of course that diagnosis could change. I quit my job a few weeks prior, I was too depressed, I felt like I could not do anything without breaking down. Some days are just, far worse than others. It's hard to find any answers when my pain is all in my head.

When I was working, I would burn myself with lit cigarettes in my car during my breaks. Those were my first experiences with self-harm. I'm not feeling any better than usual, although some days I really do try to help myself, some days I really do want to get better. But I am without motivation...

Last night was pretty terrible too. I wanted so badly to hurt myself, but tried everything I could to distract myself/cope with these feelings. I picked up the guitar and tried to make it through a few songs, but I broke down in the middle of every one. It was too much. Although I did succeed in not hurting myself. Although tonight is a different story, as I've got the blade to my skin.

I only recently started cutting myself, it's difficult to explain why. But it's something I do occasionally. I'm not entirely sure why I'm making this thread. I just think it's important to talk about. What do you guys think of my situation? And have you experienced these sort of things before? I don't know how to explain it, and most of the time I don't care enough to try to explain. I am in pain and trying to get help.

I'll stop here. I'm sorry for ranting on and on about my own self-loathing. Thank you for reading and I hope to get some responses. Thank you.

 

[starting_over]

Talking to a real person on the hotline phone (and not getting a busy signal) is notoriously difficult. These people are unpaid, and this isn't exactly volunteering for the SPCA.

I too, don't really know why I started cutting myself, but haven't done so in 2 years. I would guess an intense dislike of myself and feeling very stuck in life at that point -- I still struggle with self esteem issues. When I did cut, this was always alcohol mixed with benzos, as my inhibitions were greatly decreased.

If you get the urge to self harm, go for razor blades and not the lit cigarette... burns have a way higher risk of infection and scar more easily.

Do you think you would be up for getting a new job? No rush if you don't feel ready to quite yet. With that said, I find that sitting around at home doing nothing is a lot worse... idle time is the devil's playground.

CBT / mindfulness has helped me greatly... but not as much as getting a better job. I love going to work and my job sort of defines who I am. If I'm stuck in a job I hate, my mental health will plummet.

Here's a link that might be of use: http://bluelight.org/vb/threads/787080-Mindfulness-Based-Harm-Reduction-Resources

Also a thread about self hatred: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/793832-Self-Hatred

 

[Pibolar]

Talking to a real person on the hotline phone (and not getting a busy signal) is notoriously difficult. These people are unpaid, and this isn't exactly volunteering for the SPCA.

I too, don't really know why I started cutting myself, but haven't done so in 2 years. I would guess an intense dislike of myself and feeling very stuck in life at that point -- I still struggle with self esteem issues. When I did cut, this was always alcohol mixed with benzos, as my inhibitions were greatly decreased.

If you get the urge to self harm, go for razor blades and not the lit cigarette... burns have a way higher risk of infection and scar more easily.

Do you think you would be up for getting a new job? No rush if you don't feel ready to quite yet. With that said, I find that sitting around at home doing nothing is a lot worse... idle time is the devil's playground.

CBT / mindfulness has helped me greatly... but not as much as getting a better job. I love going to work and my job sort of defines who I am. If I'm stuck in a job I hate, my mental health will plummet.

Here's a link that might be of use: http://bluelight.org/vb/threads/787080-Mindfulness-Based-Harm-Reduction-Resources

Also a thread about self hatred: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/793832-Self-Hatred

Thank you for your response. And yeah, I've read that burns are more likely to get infected, and the scars last far longer than the cuts. I still see the scars from when I burnt myself months ago; and one scar from when I burnt myself a few years ago, I think that one's there to stay. And I, like you, am more inclined to cut when I am under the influence of benzos or alcohol. I'd like to say it sounds worse than it is, but it is a serious issue I cannot deny.

I'm going to apply for a job soon, just a simple low pay/low stress job just to get my feet off the ground or something, you know? But I agree, waking daily to go to a job you loathe is soul-crushing. There were many days where I just sat at my desk and just cried silently. Sitting around in my room all day definitely doesn't help either, although I can utilize coping mechanisms successfully sometimes. I do get out of the house when I feel I need to. Music is the only thing really. That and speaking, having real conversations with people. I enjoy a genuine heartfelt discussion. I'm a pretty feminine guy.

My therapist has been talking to me about practicing mindfulness, and I can see the benefit. It's just really difficult to implement some days, you know? She's also been suggesting group therapy, perhaps even daily. I do believe I am lucky enough to have a good therapist I can talk to.

Although I feel inclined to mention, I don't think I necessarily hate myself (maybe to some extent), but more so the situation I am in and the pain I feel, without feeling I can do much about it. Maybe I'm just in denial of that aspect of it though, I believe I am a good person, just not in a good mental state. There is a fair amount of self-loathing.

 

[armoredslug]

Hey there. I am diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder and complex PTSD and I have been self-harming since I was 14. I'm 36 now, and I'm trying to stop. One thing that I've found useful is grounding techniques. If I can settle myself in the present, in my physical body, exactly wherever I am, it's comforting and helps to buy me some time between the impulse and the action. I focus on where my body is in relation to my environment, i.e. my bottom is pressed against the bed, the bed is soft, my arms are brushing against my thighs, the material on my thighs is woolen, etc. I find this can be a comfort and an aid.
I have also utilized a visualization technique that I call the magic bubble. I visualize myself in a translucent, shimmery bubble that only contains love and good spirits/energy where I feel totally safe and loved. I remain in the bubble for as long as it takes to calm down and re-center.
These are two techniques that I sometimes use daily to cope with feelings of anxiety and impending crisis which takes the form of self-harm. While I have cut myself in the past, I tend to burn far more often. I am trying to change my behavior patterns and am hopeful. I hope this helps a little, if just to let you know that you're not alone.

 

[herbavore]

Although I feel inclined to mention, I don't think I necessarily hate myself (maybe to some extent), but more so the situation I am in and the pain I feel, without feeling I can do much about it. Maybe I'm just in denial of that aspect of it though, I believe I am a good person, just not in a good mental state. There is a fair amount of self-loathing.

Most theories about self-harm focus on it as an act of control more than an expression of self-hatred (akin to anorexia and other eating disorders) so you may be onto something when you say you feel it is more the situation you are in and feeling powerless against the pain. Try taking small steps that are aimed at feeling a sense of control (ie do something every day that takes an extra push--like forcing yourself out for a short walk, or writing a paragraph where you simply describe everything you are thinking/feeling at the moment--then write a paragraph in exploring what you wrote). When you feel like cutting have some strategic alternatives around (one BL member used to cut up a tee shirt).

Another thing to consider is that issues of control often have very deep roots in early childhood. These are worth exploring. Use your rational mind to assure yourself that you are no longer in whatever the original circumstances were that affected your sense of control and self-determination. Recognize the past so that you can release yourself into the present unencumbered.

 

[Pibolar]

These are two techniques that I sometimes use daily to cope with feelings of anxiety and impending crisis which takes the form of self-harm. While I have cut myself in the past, I tend to burn far more often. I am trying to change my behavior patterns and am hopeful. I hope this helps a little, if just to let you know that you're not alone.

Thanks for your input, and your coping suggestions. I really appreciate you reminding me that I am not alone.

Most theories about self-harm focus on it as an act of control more than an expression of self-hatred (akin to anorexia and other eating disorders) so you may be onto something when you say you feel it is more the situation you are in and feeling powerless against the pain. Try taking small steps that are aimed at feeling a sense of control (ie do something every day that takes an extra push--like forcing yourself out for a short walk, or writing a paragraph where you simply describe everything you are thinking/feeling at the moment--then write a paragraph in exploring what you wrote). When you feel like cutting have some strategic alternatives around (one BL member used to cut up a tee shirt).

Another thing to consider is that issues of control often have very deep roots in early childhood. These are worth exploring. Use your rational mind to assure yourself that you are no longer in whatever the original circumstances were that affected your sense of control and self-determination. Recognize the past so that you can release yourself into the present unencumbered.

I've heard social workers speak about how it often has to do with control. Last time I wanted to cut, I ended up cutting up a book I had written in; so that's interesting to hear about another BL member who used to cut up a tee shirt. My therapist currently seems focused on coping mechanisms. So there are a lot that I have learned about that I can hopefully put into action next time I am overwhelmed by my emotions.

As far as my childhood goes, I'm sure that has something to do with it. Although I cannot recall anything specifically traumatic or anything really. But I am definitely predisposed to these kinds of issues, given my family history.

Thank you for your response, it is much appreciated.

 

[dicko89]

some good advice on here very interesting to learn.

 

[herbavore]

As far as my childhood goes, I'm sure that has something to do with it. Although I cannot recall anything specifically traumatic or anything really. But I am definitely predisposed to these kinds of issues, given my family history.

One thing to remember about childhood trauma is that it does not necessarily have to be some form of abuse, neglect etc that was done to you by someone else. For some of us with extremely sensitive natures, life itself can feel overwhelming and coupled with a child's inability to articulate that to even the most empathetic parents, the trauma can be compounded.

 

[DreadheadIOW]

I've been suffering from depression and anxiety for a good portion of my life and I too use to find relief in self harm. Trust me it's not the answer...
I feel your pain my friend and although I can't help you, I can tell you that you're not alone and sh*t does get better eventually, you've just gotta keep on going.
Depression is a long and lonely road, and at the end of the day you're the only one who can make yourself better... stay strong hope you get better soon
much love ❤

 

[Pibolar]

One thing to remember about childhood trauma is that it does not necessarily have to be some form of abuse, neglect etc that was done to you by someone else. For some of us with extremely sensitive natures, life itself can feel overwhelming and coupled with a child's inability to articulate that to even the most empathetic parents, the trauma can be compounded.

This is a very good point and something I think about fairly often. I've always been sensitive, as a child I would cry seemingly for no reason, just because I got overwhelmed by my thoughts. Some kids are just more sensitive than others. What is overwhelming for one person is normal for another. Very good insight and I appreciate and agree with your statement.

I've been suffering from depression and anxiety for a good portion of my life and I too use to find relief in self harm. Trust me it's not the answer...
I feel your pain my friend and although I can't help you, I can tell you that you're not alone and sh*t does get better eventually, you've just gotta keep on going.
Depression is a long and lonely road, and at the end of the day you're the only one who can make yourself better... stay strong hope you get better soon
much love ❤

That seriously means so much to me right now. Thank you for the honestly, and thank you for the support, I really am trying here and I will keep waking up. Much love right back to you.

In other news, despite wanting to better myself, tonight I gave in to temptation. Benzos had me feeling good earlier (and are definitely still in effect), but now I'm in my room at 3AM hurting myself and chainsmoking. Late nights alone like these can be the worst. I might have to talk to someone. Not sure how much sleep I'll get tonight. EDIT: Alright, I gotta be done with this self harm shit. It's making me sick. I am determined to stop.

How is everyone else doing, honestly? Is anyone else feeling down tonight? Or have anything they'd like to say? You guys are really awesome...

 

[starting_over]

Chronic back pain among other health problems has me feeling really down. It's off and on, but I can't escape the pain unless I drink alcohol (which I do) or take opiates (which I have an addiction to but doing my best to avoid... since May 2016).

If I drink enough alcohol sometimes I begin thinking I should get out the old razor blade and start drawing on my skin out of frustration...

I'm doing ongoing stretches and strengthening exercises for my back, but progress is so so slow.

Hope you're doing all right.

 

[Pibolar]

Chronic back pain among other health problems has me feeling really down. It's off and on, but I can't escape the pain unless I drink alcohol (which I do) or take opiates (which I have an addiction to but doing my best to avoid... since May 2016).

If I drink enough alcohol sometimes I begin thinking I should get out the old razor blade and start drawing on my skin out of frustration...

I'm doing ongoing stretches and strengthening exercises for my back, but progress is so so slow.

Hope you're doing all right.

Man I'm sorry to hear about your chronic back pain, sounds fucking miserable. Is the pain constant? If you drink to escape the pain, just do everything you can to keep yourself from reaching for that blade (easier said than done, I know). I truly empathize with the feeling, that need to just keep cutting out of frustration, it's one of the worst feelings I've personally experienced. I hope you're doing better today, but if you're not you can always shoot me a message if you wanna talk, or get something off your chest man. I think I speak for everyone else in this thread as well, we're here for you as much as we possibly can be.

IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE HARMING YOURSELF, please feel free to send me a message, instead of cutting. I might not respond quickly, I'm not online really often. But just wait it out if you can, I will get back to you if that happens. Distract yourself to the best of your ability. And that goes for anyone else here as well, who may be struggling with these issues. Reach out for a hand, not a knife.

Slow progress is still progress, I hope it keeps working.

I myself am feeling significantly more hopeful. Just last night, I was wandering the streets of downtown. Feeling like shit as per usual. I got in my car to head back home. I had a plan: I was gonna eat some benzos, cut myself, and spark a cigarette while I watched myself bleed. That's what I was gonna do, I went home just to do that. It's all I was thinking about.

Then, when I got home, I received a message from an old friend. A girl I used to be very close to. We started talking and before I knew it our spontaneous conversation renewed our friendship, and we connected again so immediately. It warmed my heart, and I didn't feel the need to cut while talking to her. Although I still did the benzos and smoked, but whatever. I didn't cut myself like I was so determined to do earlier. We fell asleep talking to each other. She has no idea what she saved me from doing last night.

Moments like that are what give me the hope I need to get up in the morning. They don't come around too often, but when they do it's beautiful. So I'm feeing better tonight than I usually do.

How about everyone else? What's going on? How are you doing right now? Let's talk

Off Topic - I'm also on Adderall so I could talk for hours if need be, haha.