LSD fallout heavy depression and anxiety... Help?

[3nlightenedon3]

Currently just out of the armed services. been a civilian for about a year now and working a solid job... but before I got out I did a 5 or 6 month binge of every weekend 3-6 hits of some super clean LSD it was 200ug per hit. I have threads from then of some of the crazy trips I went on. Needless to say I have been experiencing some crazy things I feel over conceded to the world around me.... there are times where I can just feel everyone's vibes and there's times where I'm picking up on their thoughts and it could be totally off topic and some how knew they were thinking about that and that's with just coworkers.....
Me and my girl well that's a whole other issue ever since I found out if we both dosed we have a high chance of hearing each other's thoughts... well needless to say now I'm always paranoid I question myself every day we there or not if she can actually hear me or if I'm just losing my freaking mind.
Is there a chance she can still get inside my head? Because there's times we could be watching a show and out of the blue I'll have trance thoughts and next thing ya know first thing out of her mouth is that topic and it's like WTF how how is this possible....
The first 2 months home I couldn't listen to the radio because I thought something was trying to tell me something and it was dark and deep and not in anyway positive.
I'VE had crazy suicidal thoughts that never in my life have I ever had this issue.
I've done bingers of MDMA for a months straight and I was never this dark.
There's time I feel I am still dead from that trip I had on the beach I watched a bullet pass through my head it was insane..... but I can't seem to ground myself back to reality there's just to many coincidences and the fact I'm on the same brain wave as so many others is really driving me mad I feel like I'm loosing control and it's only been getting a worse.

Just looking for some advice.... I've been down some dark roads but I'm trying to piece everything back together not just for myself but my kids.

I feel like everyone is out there and apart of this giant game to torment me and test me and I don't trust a single soul everyone is a threat and yet again I've had other factors besides just lsd to set me down this path of depression and anxiety but the lsd has seemed to really aggrivate it and made it super hard to get myself grounded again..

I already see a shrink but I don't trust em one bit. I have no reason not to either I just don't trust anyone...

Any help is greatly appreciated.
Safe adventures and happy travels.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

I don't think I can be of much help but I have suspicions that from my overuse of these substances I'm now a bit if a nut case however intelligent. Same with a good friend of mine. He did almost unimaginable amounts of psychedelics and MDMA etc. There was a time I thought of him as the ultimate shaman and totally having his shit together. Now, many years later he seems to be off his rocker. I don't know whether it's just chemical brain scrambling or learning too much about what is really going on down near the nether regions of the rabbit hole. I have some pretty bad anxiety and depression and suicidal thoughts at times due to what I think I learned down there. One thing I will advise is to quit for good right now. Drugs can fuck you up. Sure was fun at Burning Man though. lol. The early days were priceless. Now it's 40 years later and I'm fried.

 

[3nlightenedon3]

Yeah I had a tendency of going over board... my buddy hooked me up about 2 years ago and I was doing .5g bomb shells to start the night of amber shard MDMA he had a 15g nug that was beautiful. We went all out for a month straight it would be every night for 3or 4 days straight and then a one day break maybe two..... at the end of the month I let like death for 3 days I couldn't eat or drink much of anything if I ate I would instantly have to go throw up..... then after I went back to my station I had a double dipped sheet of LSD sent out and ate that every weekend like candy..... me and my girl connected on crazy unimaginable levels I never thought possible and sadly I learned she can hear my thoughts while we trip and she found out some not so good stuff that I whole heartedly regret which she knows hence why she's still with my sorry ass but either way I'm fucked up paranoid... my anxiety is crazy PTSD.... and depression.
I'VE been contemplating of trying to do a hard reset to a. Accept the tramatic events I caused.. b. Bring my paranoid ass ack from the death I experienced when we went camping and I had 5 hits and my life fractaled before my eyes in thousands of different broken glass looking windows after the bullet traveled through my head....
I question the reality around me there's times I have flash bacKS and I feel like I'm strapped to a hospital bed with needles being injected into me.....
I wonder if my dreams are really when I'm awake and I'm stuck in this slowly churning hell hole.
People make digs without even ever being witness to what I know or what I've done and it freaks me the fuck out like how does my mother know this or w.e

Does it ever get better?

Ever thing that and reset is possible I have some super clean pyramids I've een holding onto and some penis envy mushrooms but I'm not 100% and I don't want to fuck myself up more.
I feel like a guide or a shrink would help so I could be guided and helped while I dosed to fight the root cause of the problems....

Any advice I've stopped everything pretty much cold turkey.
I actually started smoking because I have some major issues with my back and nerves to help me sleep.
I hate it but it's the only way I sleep... I get Hella paranoid atleast till pass out....

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Like I said I really don't have much advice beyond what I've given. If I did I'd take it and fix myself but that hasn't happened and I'm pretty much convinced now that this is permanent. I had years of really good tripping and for me there was always a spiritual side to it rather than just getting fucked up and I do still have the gains I made in that department. I have a lot of empathy and compassion now for everyone and that includes people whose actions I don't like or approve of. I really don't have enemies anymore and that feels wonderful. So I'll have to take that and make the best and if things get unbearable I know what to do. Best of luck to you. With your, I assume youth you may make a full recovery with time and abstinence. Hang in there and get some help if you need it.

 

[herbavore]

I think you have hit the nail squarely on the head when you say what you feel you really need is guidance. I would not suggest taking anything (with the intention of a reset) without someone there to help guide your mission. The problem is finding that someone.Thanks to the war on drugs, this is pretty inaccessible.

Recently I wrote to Gabor Mate because I was interested in finding out what he thought about the validity of psychedelic intervention for myself. I explained my situation, I explained what I was wanting to explore/confront/heal. I was a bit worried that because he actually leads ayahuasca retreats that he would advocate for them simply because he has a vested financial interest. The reason I contacted him is that I have heard many of his talks, he is an MD and I respect his views on everything from addiction to mental illness to healing from psychic trauma. I got a very good response and his answer to me was, "No, not the way you need to go." I am telling you this because he may be a valuable resource for you.

I am very sorry to hear of the chaos you live with internally. It sounds like a mixed bag, though. In terms of your perception that people can hear your thoughts, I think you could try to diffuse this thinking by understanding that we do give off so many signals from body language to verbal hints, not to mention having said something in the past that we do not remember, that there is probably a pretty rational explanation for your perception. It becomes doubly dangerous when you start interpreting people's expressions as having knowledge of your thoughts. Remember that your own perception is completely responsible for your interpretation of "reality". Sometimes, when my paranoia gets all out of whack I just ask myself, "Why do you want to keep thinking this way when it causes you so much distress?" (Kind of like when the Dalai Lama says in answer to the question, "How can you be happy?", "Because it feels good.")

War trauma, like childhood abuse, is bone deep trauma. My heart goes out to you and everyone else that lives with it. My husband is a combat veteran. The scars he lives with, the hell of trying to believe in himself as a good person, are intense even now (40 years later) but they are not the hell he lived in during the first years after the service. You are just beginning the journey of putting yourself and your life back together. The landmines out there are shame and feelings of deep isolation because of your experiences. Beware of those above all else.

I hope that you can stay the course with remaining relatively sober right now. Did you mean you are smoking weed for insomnia? I would suggest edibles as they will not kick in until you are already asleep usually and be gone by the time you wake up--thus not potentially adding to your anxiety or paranoia.

BTW, welcome to Bluelight and TDS!