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Lovers who hold the floor: when you're never allowed to finish a sentence!

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MrsGamp

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Joined
Apr 3, 2020
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1,280
Wondering if anyone can relate to this:
- your lover /partner is always monologing. In lecture mode. Fine - until ...
-you try to make your contribution. You're cut off and told you're wrong or have missed the point.
- they always accusde you of rudeness or even abuse because you've "interrupted them", or are "talking over them". When you're just wanting to respond or relate - without waiting for the person to finish their 50 minute monologue.
- No matter what they've done, you are not permitted to express anger. Your anger is postioned as "abuse" and "irrational".
- You always seem to be talking about previous arguments. Their theme is always: "You're crazy ... that wasn't what happened/what I said."
You're always talking about previous arguments you've had ... it gets to the farcical level of arguing about an argument, and arguing about the argument about the argument before that ...
- you are "always" misunderstanding or misrepresenting what s/he's said if you can't quote whatever they said in the past verbatim, word for word. Remembering the gist of what they said, and trying to say how you felt, is positioned as "lying", "imagining things", "making it all up". And if you CAN remember the hurtful comment/s word-for-word, they simply shift the ground and say, "I never said that ... I said this ..." (making some tiny little modification that's meant to make
a world of difference. Like, " I NEVER said you were ignorant. I simply said you don't know what you're talkling about ... '
- If you call them on their shit, you're "abusive". All anger is abusive. They don't get angry with you, after all ... unless you actually call them on their shit.
Anyone ever had this type of thing? Want to share examples?
 
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Narcissism is but one factor that comes to mind. Not giving examples. Just trust me on this one. You will find if you take a broader view such behavior will not be limited to simply being argumentative or manipulative i.e. other actions will reinforce the characteristic and personality disorder.
 
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MrsGamp said:
Wondering if anyone can relate to this:
- your lover /partner is always monologing. In lecture mode. Fine - until ...
-you try to make your contribution. You're cut off and told you're wrong or have missed the point.
- they always accusde you of rudeness or even abuse because you've "interrupted them", or are "talking over them". When you're just wanting to respond or relate - without waiting for the person to finish their 50 minute monologue.
- No matter what they've done, you are not permitted to express anger. Your anger is postioned as "abuse" and "irrational".
- You always seem to be talking about previous arguments. Their theme is always: "You're crazy ... that wasn't what happened/what I said."
You're always talking about previous arguments you've had ... it gets to the farcical level of arguing about an argument, and arguing about the argument about the argument before that ...
- you are "always" misunderstanding or misrepresenting what s/he's said if you can't quote whatever they said in the past verbatim, word for word. Remembering the gist of what they said, and trying to say how you felt, is positioned as "lying", "imagining things", "making it all up". And if you CAN remember the hurtful comment/s word-for-word, they simply shift the ground and say, "I never said that ... I said this ..." (making some tiny little modification that's meant to make
a world of difference. Like, " I NEVER said you were ignorant. I simply said you don't know what you're talkling about ... '
- If you call them on their shit, you're "abusive". All anger is abusive. They don't get angry with you, after all ... unless you actually call them on their shit.
Anyone ever had this type of thing? Want to share examples?
Click to expand...

Do you love this guy? If you aren't in love with them, I highly recommend leaving them. This sounds like an abusive relationship.

And yes, one of my ex's was kinda like this. Not the same way your guy is, mine would constantly argue with me about conspiracies and call me ignorant if I disagreed, he would hit me and tell me I made him do it. That it was my fault for making him abusive. He would talk to his friends and family about our problems and tell me that they agreed with how he treated me.

And the worst part by far was, I still loved him. In many ways I still love him now in spite of recognizing how wrong his behavior was.

Love isn't rational. And when you're in love it can be nearly impossible to be rational and act in your own self interests.

Sooo, yea, your guy sounds emotionally abusive to me. If you can leave I would consider doing so.

Things can get a whole lot worse and it can be very damaging to your mental health.

<3
 
Gamp,
Just for shits and giggles, sit down and make two columns. Left side being negatives all your LTR choices shared. Right side list what you were attracted to about them.
Notice a pattern? Armed with that self realization, cut ties. Buy a body pillow. A vibrator. That book you’ve been putting off reading.
And pay attention. Unless you’re a total recluse, I’ll bet there’s someone of the opposite sex that you interact with , however minutely, that shows you respect, kindness and consideration. Not flashy, loud , probably not even easily noticed. You get only what you allow.
A good indicator of a man is how he treats his mother.
Beauty/ handsome is skin deep, ugly is to the bone.
remember that sick attracts sick, two half drained batteries can’t start a car.
And finally, yourself and what does it for ya, what you want. Crazies are most fun, but ya can’t fool around 24 /7.
 
Not thread related since I don't have anything to add but that car battery example. Listen, I have two cars. My daily one's a truck -- Ford F150 with a lil bit of tweaking and my second one that I rarely use nowadays it's a custom tunned Audi R8. I have a friend who previously worked as a mechanic, we don't speak much nowadays but if we see eachother we say wassup you know, all dandy. Point being a half drained battery should kick any engine unless it's a V8 in cold environments.
 
Shady's Fox said:
Not thread related since I don't have anything to add but that car battery example. Listen, I have two cars. My daily one's a truck -- Ford F150 with a lil bit of tweaking and my second one that I rarely use nowadays it's a custom tunned Audi R8. I have a friend who previously worked as a mechanic, we don't speak much nowadays but if we see eachother we say wassup you know, all dandy. Point being a half drained battery should kick any engine unless it's a V8 in cold environments.
Click to expand...
Man, but the point went way TF over your head. You’re right, you didn’t have anything to add. Yet you typed anyway. Choice
 
is this the same asshole you were in love with for two decades while he was dating someone else or something

Short version: no this isn't normal, anyone else would have left that guy a long time ago, but we already had one ten-page thread full of people telling you not to sleep with him, so I'm not going to hold my breath for you to make the obvious choice here :/
 
atara said:
is this the same asshole you were in love with for two decades while he was dating someone else or something

Short version: no this isn't normal, anyone else would have left that guy a long time ago, but we already had one ten-page thread full of people telling you not to sleep with him, so I'm not going to hold my breath for you to make the obvious choice here :/
Click to expand...

Some tough love isn't bad, but OP shouldn't deserve to feel like she's the reason for the abuse.

Not everyone would have left that guy a long time ago. I don't think that's fair to say.
 
I'll echo what others have said here. I think some self-reflection on what you value in a partner is long overdue, as well as reflecting on your own worth/dignity a bit. This guy doesn't sound worth it at all and what you have talked about is a form of emotional manipulation/abuse known as "Gas-Lighting." Take care of yourself @MrsGamp and don't sell yourself so short. You deserve someone that respects you at the very least.
 
madness00 said:
Some tough love isn't bad, but OP shouldn't deserve to feel like she's the reason for the abuse.
Click to expand...
You must realize that I really do actually want to see this end. What's happening is that a bunch of people who don't remember the other thread came in and posted sympathetic messages that correspond weakly if at all to the reality because this is a new thread. @MrsGamp chose to do this for who-knows-why but a good guess is that declining interest in the other thread triggered a fear of abandonment.

I overcorrected, and I'm sorry, but I'm not here to be part of anyone's narcissistic supply. There are a lot of people posting here who have new interesting problems that might have a chance of being resolved, and I did feel a little annoyed to find someone demanding more attention when she has already shown there's nothing we can do for her.

And it is worth noting -- to the people who keep saying "leave him!" (including me, I guess) -- https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2012/01/penelope_trunk_abuser.html
She wants this relationship. She's not a bad or good person for wanting it, it is what it is. I can say I have my own opinions about what to do and blah blah blah, but the starting point has to be what she wants, not what you think is best for her; otherwise at best what will happen is she ignores your advice, and at worst is she takes it.
 
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