Love & death

[Pagey]

Bit of a grim topic here, but I guess it's something that's on my mind a lot and that I don't feel comfortable really asking anyone, so being on an anonymous forum makes it easier...

The first man I ever had extremely strong feelings for killed himself about a year and a half ago. It was a complicated relationship and I don't really want to go into the details on here. We weren't 'together', we didn't live anywhere nearby, our circumstances meant we couldn't be together, but we both felt very, very strongly for each other. I don't know if I was really 'in love' with him (I thought I was at the time but now that I'm properly in love with my fiancé I do see the difference) and I don't know if he was with me but anyway, it was something strong. Like I said, he committed suicide and I guess I've never really been able to deal with that.
It's not that I think it was selfish, because I hate the assumption that suicide is selfish. He was miserable and it's his right to put an end to that - if anything it would be selfish of me to hold that against him. But I guess that I still wonder, a year and a half later, why he couldn't have seen me as some kind of hope or something. I dunno.
It's not that I wish he were still alive because I'd want us to be together, either - I've met my soulmate since and I wouldn't change that for the world. But whenever I think about the man who died I have an automatic emotional response which is obviously linked to the relationship we had, which just feels a bit weird. I don't know how to deal with those feelings, and I don't really know how to deal with the fact that the first guy I 'loved' killed himself before even hitting 25.
I don't really know what I'm asking, either I'm not asking for support, it was so long ago - but input, advice, understanding, I dunno. Some kind of insight would feel great

 

[-=SS=-]

But I guess that I still wonder, a year and a half later, why he couldn't have seen me as some kind of hope or something. I dunno.

Having felt the suicidal urge more than once, and from hearing the stories of those who survived attempts, it's like a fog that clouds the mind through which no light can penetrate. It is absolutely awful mood to get stuck in, because as you hear in the stories once you take that leap and death becomes certain the fog often evaporates as you hurtle towards your end.. only for you to realize there was light behind that fog and you now wish to live. Very sad.

I was going to suggest that perhaps your natural nurturing feminine trait wishes you could have helped him, but then I'm male and if the same thing happened to me I know I'd wish I could have held my hand out to the person. I think you'd have to be a soulless human being to not want to pull a person back into life and see them happy.

Maybe it's the question of 'why' that bothers you, that maybe he saw something about life you haven't recognized and that worries you? Or perhaps you feel like you failed in some respect? I have yet to lose someone I care about to suicide so I can't offer much beyond speculation.

 

[Abject]

Sounds like something a good mental health worker could help you understand and work through

It's only natural you would have a strong emotional response when you focus on him. Nobody else can tell give you a map to the path of coming to terms with what happened, but you can certainly find guidance from the right person.
If you haven't found closure yet, and are still questioning the act itself, the first thing you need to do is create/find closure imo. I don't think this can occur through a thread on BL.

 

[LuGoJ]

Bit of a grim topic here, but I guess it's something that's on my mind a lot and that I don't feel comfortable really asking anyone, so being on an anonymous forum makes it easier...

The first man I ever had extremely strong feelings for killed himself about a year and a half ago. It was a complicated relationship and I don't really want to go into the details on here. We weren't 'together', we didn't live anywhere nearby, our circumstances meant we couldn't be together, but we both felt very, very strongly for each other. I don't know if I was really 'in love' with him (I thought I was at the time but now that I'm properly in love with my fiancé I do see the difference) and I don't know if he was with me but anyway, it was something strong. Like I said, he committed suicide and I guess I've never really been able to deal with that.
It's not that I think it was selfish, because I hate the assumption that suicide is selfish. He was miserable and it's his right to put an end to that - if anything it would be selfish of me to hold that against him. But I guess that I still wonder, a year and a half later, why he couldn't have seen me as some kind of hope or something. I dunno.
It's not that I wish he were still alive because I'd want us to be together, either - I've met my soulmate since and I wouldn't change that for the world. But whenever I think about the man who died I have an automatic emotional response which is obviously linked to the relationship we had, which just feels a bit weird. I don't know how to deal with those feelings, and I don't really know how to deal with the fact that the first guy I 'loved' killed himself before even hitting 25.
I don't really know what I'm asking, either I'm not asking for support, it was so long ago - but input, advice, understanding, I dunno. Some kind of insight would feel great

You are worrying yourself with things that do not matter anymore. Concern yourself with the here and now, and the future.

If you find that you are someone that has trouble dwelling on thing, such as past events that cannot be changed, meditation is often very helpful. It's a very good tool for training your brain to focus on the moment, to accept thoughts, and to release them without letting it affect you too much. Unfortunately, sometimes we just need to move on and leave the past in the past.

My mother gets this quite often(bipolar, borderline etc) and meditation has helped her quite a bit. She use to go through periods where she wouldn't want to leave the bedroom because of something she might have possibly said to me when I was 11, that I don't even remember. I would assure her that I don't even remember it and whatever it was didn't affect me, but she would continue to dwell. Then she found meditation which helped her calm her thoughts, especially negative thoughts.

As difficult as it is, sometimes we just have to accept that we will never get closure. We all like to believe we have a profound effect on people and that we can alter their path, but that's often not the case.

*edit*

Also, as this is a drug forum. I will mention that I've noticed certain drugs and alcohol have often made me feel worse when I tend to have issues i'm dwelling on. If you are currently using, perhaps a break to clear your head might be good. Many times we take substances to numb us from things when in fact they may be making things worse.


(did I do better this time? I tried to be less blunt and more thoughtful about how I express my thoughts )

 

[pofacedhoe]

its cos you lack closure.

its only natural to have an emotional feeling about someone who died where you were close to them

 

[Tacoma]

No matter how much u love the guy your with theres always going to be a special kinda ache in your heart for him its just gonna be something you'll learn to deal with in time.

 

[Munchkoala]

One could walk in front of a car tomorrow and may have lived the best life possible. Or, they may have been in pain and have seen themselves living a poor life. It may be a mistake to walk in front of a car or it may be on purpose. No one really knows. It's subjective from their point of view and it is subjective from your point of view. You can draw conclusions about what happened, but you will not know for sure why or how or what it was that caused that person to move on to the next state of existential being, whether purposeful or not.

Death happens. We live, we die.

If you have the option to move on, I would advise doing so.