Hopeless Lost

[jimmytwotone]

So I have Been a drug addict my whole life but I'm currently lost and hopeless and pretty sure I'm gonna die or end up in prison forever So it all started almost 3 years ago when I was released from prison I to speed things up I slowly got my current addiction to synthetic cathinones I ended up selling them like large distribution type multiple 1000s of grams every 3 days in my county me and my wife who I got reconnected pre the molly as they call it she was just getting sober from the shit a month prior to me getting released so about 4 months out of prison I unfortunately found a supplier of Vyvanse like as many as I wanted now prior to prison I was abusing meth and ADHD medication Nd heroin daily but eventually I came across what they call molly nowadays now I used to sell rcs and chems before prison but my connection at the time was and still is one of my best friends so he would actually do the research and inform people what they were buying so now I eventually tried molly and from the first time I was hooked I believe it was some BS pvp or cat you know usual garbage but I was hooked now to fast forward me and wife eventually were getting high for months behind each other's backs eventually it came to light blah blah I'm sure you get where I'm going eventually I ended loosing 65 pounds in 6 months and would stay up for weeks at a time to the point where if I sat down my body shut down I amongst all this I was injecting and smoking almost an oz to 2 ozs a day between my roommate and wife btw no wife doesn't shoot never has scares her I contracted hep c from my roommate this all lead to me violating parole and having to be gone for 6 months I thought about it everyday my wife and molly smokin selling bagginbit up everything I made it 3 weeks from release before I relapse in October my addiction is to the point where I use everyday anywhere from 7 to 14 grams I actively sell it I have lost weight all over again I signed my self in to impatient to leave 2 weeks got high the same night found out my hep c treatment wasn't effective now it's to the point I was sleeping and eating everyday which was my justification I am slowly slipping out of that I am scared an I don't know what to do I just got arrested Friday parole finally caught me took 6 parole officer s and several tassings later to bring me to custody I was released Tuesday ny has all these new laws so it's almost impossible to go to jail but I did but I am destroying myself and taking my wife with me I started cutting myself recently I'm secretly hoping she leaves me because she has the ability to get clean but loves me to much I have been in a psychosis for weeks now I can't even walk down the street without consistently looking behind me or when I sell something I constantly clutch whatever knife I have because Ive had a few of.my life long best friends do some thin recently which will remain unspoken I know he'll probably never see this but I love you bro get help please I literally just want to die have started shooting again and am probably about to run again I literally don't use any other drugs anymore but what I believe is currently 3fm cut with a cat and electrolyzed in acetone but who knows I physically withdraw from the rare few moments I force myself to be sober for the 1 or 2 hours I can I literally want to die so bad I've lost all my.loved ones cut them all off so they dont have to watch me slowly commit suiscide I don't know what to do anymore I love my wife to death but I wish she would actually follow all the way through with leaveing because I'm pretty sure.im Down the rabbit whole thank you to anybody who reads this this is the first time Ive really expressed this if anyone who has a prior bath salt or chem addiction who has been successful at getting away has advice Id take it I feel like a peice of human trash because of what my wife deals with we are extremely abusive mentally and physically to each other and idk what to do I literally cant stop I have tried locked myself in a room recently for3 days to stay sober jail all I did was lay there and think about molly

Thank you for your time sorry I took up whatever time it took to read this I literally just have no one to talk to anymore

 

[Jerry Atrick]

I'm sorry you are going through all this. You said you went to inpatient rehab for 2 weeks. Is there any way you can go to a longer rehab, like several months? It sounds like two weeks may not be enough. In cases like this it seems like the mental and psychological addiction to using is just as bad as the physical addiction.

Do you have anything creative that you like to do with your hands? I know this sounds pretty far out but I'm convinced that some type of art whether it's painting, drawing, music, tattoo art, pinstriping/airbrushing motorcycle gas tanks, anything really can be great substitutes for the psychological aspects of addiction. Having something to keep your hands and mind occupied other than rigging up for the next fix.

I saw a thing the other day where this guy was deeply addicted to drugs and on the verge of prison or death and he was able to channel his addictions into woodworking and carpentry. Now he makes badass wood art and is not only 100% sober but makes a good living selling his art. I'm not saying everyone has such a Cinderella story but he is one example of someone using creative passions to break the cycle of addictive behavior. YMMV