long term suboxone maintenance has become my demise

[mrsnowygrainius]

I used to shoot heroin and tbh I long for those days at least I was getting fucked up and could block out the world better than now. Four years ago I got on suboxone 8- 10mgs a day, and over those 4 years I've still done dope but it hasn't been too bad. Lately I just feel numb on the suboxone, 4 years of 8- 10mgs a day I feel like is just permanently fucking my brain and its feel good chemicals.

Every day is the same. I wake up take my subs, play WOW, and maybe go surfing if theres waves. Then I come home take more suboxone and smoke weed, I'm passed out cold by 11pm and don't wake up once till 10am the next day. I spend half my life sleeping, its bad. To makes things worse I got fired from my job yesterday for smoking weed in the parking lot.

I hate my life so much I need help, I want off the subs but I am TERRIFIED of the withdrawals. I have some money saved up, What I really want to do is get off subs, get the fuck out of jersey, get in my car and just drive to cali where I can hopefully live the rest of my days working some shitty job and surfing my brains out.... but thats unrealistic I know. Has anyone ever done this? Just completely said fuck where I'm at and drive far away? What happens once you get to your destination?

I came here for help, I don't know what to do. If you guys have seen the new show Westworld- its like I am living in one of the hosts's loop, I do the same shit everyday almost down to the minute. Its getting bad and I'm considering jumping off subs and going back to shooting dope so I can hopefully od eventually.

How can I change my life? what should I do? I honestly feel like theres just a cloud in my head, I am impaired every day of my life under the influence of a powerful narcotic.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

As I've mentioned before on this site, the mother of one of my best friends has been on suboxone for 3+ years. We'd used to joke that she was now using the "socially acceptable heroin", haha. I mean bupe is supposedly 30x more potent than morphine, and when you're taking it every day for years it's quite a habit to break I'd imagine.

Has anyone ever said "fuck it", pulled up stakes & went to do something they actually enjoyed and found fulfilling? Yeah. For example, someone I knew and worked with in the fishing industry used to be in graduate school for his architecture degree, said "fuck it I don't like this", and left to go commercial fishing in Alaska (later he went to go live in east Asia for several years). It obviously is much more difficult or impossible if you have dependents to care for or have other circumstances which prevent you from leaving your area (legal, medical etc) but if you're a single guy or girl I'd say yeah, leave the toxic environment you find yourself in

 

[Crockatawski]

A little backstory. Haro when addict for six years then went on Suboxone maintenance for year and a half. I realize the doctors had little to no experience on weaning patients off of Suboxone. I have read online many controversial threads of people getting off of Suboxone using short acting opioid's. Most the time the shot down due to the fact that most addicts are just looking for an excuse to use again, which is understandable since we are all week. I decide to give it a go, used heroin for five days' 3.5 g' and quit cold turkey. With drawls lasted six days and we're very minimal. No diarrhea or vomiting whatsoever. Did have all the other symptoms including hot and cold flashes, sleeplessness , Flulike symptoms and lack of sleep. Today is day seven and honestly I feel great other than the fact that I haven't slept much. Good luck anybody out there seeking information like this. If you actually want to quit it can work. Wish me luck with my continued sobriety.

 

[herbavore]

OP, don't get discouraged. I don't think it is crazy to want to uproot yourself but if you are feeling vulnerable as far as going back to heroin that would complicate things (and not in a good way). I don't know if the subs are the main problem or whether your life and the depression you feel about it is the bigger issue. Maybe they can't be separated. Either way, don't feed the despair, feed your dreams of shaking everything up.

I have done what you want to do many times when I was young (just up and moved) but it's harder now I think. California is not an easy place to live when you are on the coast because it is ridiculously expensive. Still, there are ways to do it. Most of the surfers I know (the ones without careers that live for the swells) work in restaurants. Definitely the best bang for your buck and easier to get shifts covered when the waves are good. The ones that don't work in restaurants are freelance handymen or freelance landscapers--that way they can work somewhat on their own schedules.

You can create a life that feels good to you, that feeds your soul. There is nothing like the sea for healing. The life you are living right now is suffocating you. But you have to take charge of the cravings to just say fuck it and go back to heroin. I would hate to see you give up on yourself like that. Captain Heroin has experience getting off subs--you should pm him to ask him about his experience. Right now it seems to me like you could slip right back into a bad H habit if you quit. Maybe get in a better frame of mind first, then start the process?

 

[dumdumboy]

I've been on subs for 10 years and I feel like it has hurt me more than it has helped... long story. My last clueless doctor was prescribing 12 mg/day which is way more than I need. I can get by easily on 2 mg/day. So my advice to you is cut your dose without telling your doctor and stockpile your script so you can taper down. Try taking half or a quarter of your reg dose and see how you feel I bet you will be surprised. Subs are weird like that less is more. Also exercise has been my salvation over the years. Whenever I'm feeling low running helps to pick up my mood and boost my endorphins... the runners high is real. Over the last year or two I've been researching Ibogain, Ayahuasca and psylocybe potential for resetting my brain check that stuff out if you're interested. I'm also from NJ I know it is not an easy place to kick anything. California is amazing hope you make it man.