• S E X
    L O V E +
    R E L A T I O N S H I P S


    ❤️ Welcome Guest! ❤️


    Posting Guidelines Bluelight Rules
  • SLR Moderators: axe battler | xtcgrrrl | arrall

Long term realationship with trust issues? HELP!!!

So many typo's in my post, but can't seem to edit in order to correct. I am horrible at writing, so give forgive me.
 
Thanks.

Given the circumstances, I would probably agree that it's better to move on. It's unlikely she's going to change, and while it's not really her fault she is that way, you and her don't seem to match. But what can you do, the world is full of different people and it's sometimes hard to find one whose personality is the right one. At least be glad you realized it relatively soon, rather than later.

Another piece of semi-advice is, give it some time. If there's real love, it'll be there years down the road. Maybe you both need some time apart to realize what's missing, or what really needs fixing (on both ends). Or maybe not.
 
I wouldn't say it's disrespectful for her to have a drink at the bar with a dude, but her lying about it would be the issue too me, especially seeing that her pattern of lies are too hide things from you... But also man keep in mind, she very well may have JUST been having a few drinks and nothing more, but she felt the need to hide it from you because you don't trust her. Y'all are butting heads when you shouldn't be. You say you have 99% trust she hasn't cheated? That 1% plausibility will always hover around your relationship, not healthy man.. I agree with the Mod. Y'all ain't clicking let it go bro, time might fix it or it might not, you just gotta keep on livin'
 
You guys give amazing advice...Thank you! I believe 100%, never doubted there is true love here. I see it in her eyes, something I have never seen with any other women. Even her friends told me I am the only man she has ever dated that she actually loved, sacrificed so much for.. ect ect. I should reconsider breaking up. I did forgive her and told her to stay. Then realized why am I begging and trying to convince her to stay when I am the one who was betrayed and lied to. It was the small stupid shit that did us in. You are correct in saying that 1% will always hover around our relationship. I've come to terms she is leaving and that it's truly for the best. Her and her mother want me to spend Christmas with them and also consider moving in which is half way across the country. That is something I will not do nor consider as this time. She told me she is in no way closing the door on this relationship, nor am I. As you said Belligerent Drunk, I do feel the love between us is so damn strong we will rekindle when the time is right. Now is just not the time. We both need to desperately work on ourselves. Part of me feels the only way for her to realize everything is when it's gone.

I now know and come to terms it was time to take a breakup/parts ways as I have tried so hard to work on myself, but felt I couldn't ever do it with her in my life at this time. I tried to quit doing pain pills, she would find a friend with it. I tried to lose weight, she would find a way to fatten me up, I tried to become a better person, but she would tell me at times she doubted me or didn't believe in me. I can go on about shit like that. A few things that drove me over the edge was she would rarely ever keep her word, never took care of herself (diabetes), always played the victim on top of being in denial. Every time I tried explaining what has been happening she would shut me out and to stop talking about it. She always told me she need to be put on medication and see a therapist. She was one of those girls who was left home alone at a young age due to her father being in the military and divorced, mom was a drug addict/alcoholic, her dad remarried numerous 5 times, mom remarried 4 times, worked around alcohol her whole life, admitted to being an out of control wreck who used drugs and alcohol most her life to cope with everything. Was supposed to get married a few times but never did. That I was the only man she ever dated that made her realize what she wanted in life.


The whole thing about lying being with her friend could have been avoided if she was up front an honest. I told her in the past I didn't mind. It was drinking till 4-5am was something I didn't like. Before we moved in toghter she knew I didn't like him spending the night, but would do it anyways until the last time I made it clear I would leave. When asked, she even admitted she wouldn't feel comfortable with me doing the same thing. Shit, every time I asked her to drink with me all hrs of the night she wouldn't. Told me she wanted to have sex at her work, but when I tried to set it up she would say that guy always stays late and that she couldn't just tell him leave or kick him out as that would be rude. So after we move in she knew he would no longer be able to sleep over anymore so she would lie and stay late at work with him and drink till 4-5am. I also had to hear is damn name almost everyday. It got old real fast, I mean this guy this, he told me that, he gave me this advice, Im using his weight loss program, I cant wait to tell him I am promoting him. I mean almost daily. She would take his weight loss advice/program when I used to be a trainer and tried so many times to help her and give solid advice while even writting her a diet. She would follow it for a day or two then go back to her old self.

Just a month ago during dinner, she out of no where said she no longer hangs out with her male friends in order to not disrespect me. After an argument a week later she said she will be 100% honest with me about everything. That she no longer drinks at work. Well, she lied about all 3 of those things. That is what she doesn't understand no matter what you try and tell her. I dont know why she is so blind to realize nor own up to her bull shit. Cant even talk to her about. Soon as I do, she shuts me out, says its not a big, or I need to stop bringing up the same things over and over. After all this, another one of her male friends is flying in to help her move and drive across country, and most likely having to get a hotel room on the way. He is staying at our place for a few days. Did she ever ask if I was ok with that? Nope! All she did was assure me that he is her childhood friend and I have nothing to worry about. Anyways, going to try and enjoy these last 2 weeks and part ways on good terms. I do not like having the added stress of leaving on bad terms. Plus the sex is too damn good I can't stop. I already have high blood pressure and the last thing I need is more stress. Thank you again for all the advice. No words to explain how grateful I am to have you all. Maybe I will post back in a few weeks. I feel I am better off just trying to focus on myself and stop drowning myself with what if's and coulda, woulda, shoulda's.


Peace for now Bluelighters
 
One thing I forgot to mention is I believe she is still doing coke on occasion. She told me many times the last time she did it was when she broke up with her previous bf a couple years ago. I questioned her many times, but she always denied it. The same type of denial about hiding that she quit smoking cigarettes. The last time was when we broke up. I can feel in my heart she is lying. She does spend 98% of her free time with me. The rest is at work with people who I know do coke and customers of her bar who also sell it and have staff come over after they close to party and do drugs. She told me she never has gone over there.

Maybe she is ashamed of admitting it, she did admit of doing a lot of it in her younger years, but hates it now and hasn't done it once since we've been together. The reason I question it is because I have never, in my life, met someone who constantly touches their nose. I mean sometimes every couple mins. She always says her nose is runny, itches or her nose ring is itchy.

Had a friend who was a expert in body language. He once told me if you think someone you know is doing coke, start talking about it, if they immediately start touching or pinching their nose they most likely are. I did it to her. Soon as I started talking about doing some coke in my younger years she immediately started to touch and pinch her nose. Working in the restaurant/bar industry it's a staple and always around. I snorted some oxy and became very sick months ago. I was so ashamed of myself for doing it that I didn't want her to know. But after weeks of thinking about It I couldn't bare hiding from her so I told her that I did. I thought maybe If I came clean she would to. Either way I was proud of myself for being honest. All the lies, doubts and other shit has been consuming me for along time. Anyways, can't wait till she leaves so I no longer have to worry about this shit anymore. I hope and pray she one day realizes what she had here and how much she fucked it up. Sorry for wasting more of your time with this stupid crap bluelighters.


Later dudes and dudettes.
 
My opinion is sort of different

While I completely agree with above posters who have given you a hard look at your own behaviors, I don't think that's the complete issue here. Yes, you really do need to chill on the insecurity. That pushes people away. I had a relationship like that--constant "why did it take so long to get home from work? Who are you talking to ? Are you cheating?" Type questions , and I said over and over its not another person who will break us up--its your behavior. So,'I completely understand how your actions can push the girl away

But---and this is the big but---

She's not doing much to deserve your trust.

She tells you she will be home after a drink and doesn't show for hours. She portrays herself as a nonsmoker, non user....clearly is not.
Lies about trivial stuff that she doesn't need to lie about, and that there lays the groundwork for not believing her on big stuff. Trust is the foundation of every successful relationship. Unfortunately yours doesn't have that

You place a lot of blame on the male friend, and that's the one thing I don't see as an issue, other than your envy of the bond they have. Consider this--if she wanted him and they have such a bond, don't you think they'd be a couple by now? Apparently they don't have the sexual/attraction component to their relationship regardless of how strong the communication and friendship component is. And of course their bond is different...people relate differently to other people.

Now...I think at this point you have her on a pedestal, and you are mourning what could've been rather than what was

Take off the rose colored glasses and look at what you had--a relationship with a girl who's a heavy partier but doesn't want you to know. She seems like she's not at the same point you are as in leaving the drinking/getting wasted/doing coke behind. It honestly sounds like she has some substance abuse issues.
It also sounds like she does indeed not want you to see the "negative" side of her

But as JessFR said--you have to love all of someone. And maybe you really can't. Tbh her actions aren't all that lovable


I think once you let go of your idealized version of her, you're going to be glad you didn't lock into that new apartment lease.
You never know what can happen, you can both grow and change, but for now it sounds like you need to work on your insecurities and she needs to get herself together with the alcohol/drug use.


I think it's Great that you've been open to feedback. I think while you have insecure issues, a person like her is the worst possible type for you as she exacerbates them. Take what you have learned about yourself, and meet someone who has less baggage. You said from the beginning you didn't want a smoker, drug (ab)user....don't compromise your standards this time...

I wish you luck. And really my best advice is to stop mourning what could've been. That's really what you're doing. Stop idealizing what you had and remember the reality....honestly you deserve better
 
crzydiamond said:
She tells you she will be home after a drink and doesn't show for hours. She portrays herself as a nonsmoker, non user....clearly is not.
Lies about trivial stuff that she doesn't need to lie about
Click to expand...

Your argument is based on the assumption that the person in question can stop using and smoking at a moment's notice, as if it's easy for her to do so, but she just doesn't want to do it. It may be true that she doesn't really want to stop it, but substance use is a little more complicated than just what the person wants. Any addict will tell you that. Putting the person under pressure when they aren't ready to drop the habit is rather counterproductive to the cause. A relationship should be about trust, that's true - but it should also be about accepting the person for who they are, completely. The OP wishes well, of course, but they also have to realize that just saying "stop smoking" isn't going to help. It isn't that simple. You can't pick all the good things you like about a person and then demand they get rid of all the ones you don't like. If you want your partner to stop smoking or using other substances, then you need to be supportive about it. In a mature relationship both parties realize each other's flaws and try to work with them.

So it's not right to place all the blame on the OP's girlfriend. With that said, it doesn't mean you have to stick with her. She is who she is, and that person may not be right for you. There are plenty of non-smokers and people who don't use drugs, whom you wouldn't have to force to comply with your idea of a partner. But if you decide that the good outweigh the bad, then definitely be understanding towards the imperfections she has - everyone has them, and she may not like something about you. In a healthy relationship, both parties work towards a common goal, and help each other through hard times. Be there for her.

However, that may not fix the issue, and she may turn out to just be a selfish person. In any case, you'll know.
 
^ you make some good points.

However, I want to add that I write from the perspective of a person who has over 22 years of on-and-off heroin addiction (with several really bad years of IV cocaine abuse thrown into the mix. Believe me when I say I'm quite aware one doesn't just "stop" like turning a switch....and sometimes even when you really want to and have the best intentions you just can't at that point...


But --and this is completely my opinion--this girl just doesn't sound like she wants to be any different. And I get that too. Many times when I was younger people wanted me to change and I didn't,so I hid who I was

Its very hard to love an addict, because an addict by nature is selfish.

And I dare say no addict really ever has a "mature relationship"--true give and take.

I don't completely blame the girl either..as you said she is who she is, but OP clearly from the door never wanted to deal with someone with that kind of baggage and so I do think not the best match ..and IMO she shows no inclination to be any different. So if he isn't happy now it's not getting better anytime soon...and again IMO these aren't minor flaws like say you don't ever do the dishes or you forget to buy toilet paper (lol just random weird stuff)...trust is the foundation of a relationship so constant lies erode it.

...and you can love all of someone and still not be able to be in a relationship....
 
Great read Diamond. I actually felt very touched reading your post. Ive been trying very hard to ignore the fact shes leaving and not spilling my feelings. A joke about cocaine got brought up. So I told her I feel shes been hiding doing it from me. Of course she denied, denied and denied some more. Asked her eye to eye, have you ever done coke since we've been together she of course denied ever doing it. I then asked if she had ever asked her friend, she denied again, then I asked about a certain situation of her asking a friend if there was going to be coke at a party.

She immediately knew it was a text she sent and became very very angry saying I invaded her privacy for the last time and I fucked up big time. She still denied doing any coke and said her asking her friend was a joke. She left her phone open one night while she went to the kitchen so I couldn't help myself by reading the text she left open. She leaves her phone open all the time, human nature to sometimes read. I told her I happened to have read it. The fact of how upset and angry she was in eyes shows she is hiding something. More from a physiological stand point.

She immediately changed all her passwords to her social media and cell phone. Im glad she did cause Im tired her giving me reasons to try and find shit. Things were going very well until i again fucked it up. I wanted to ask her the day before she left about the coke instead of now, but the conversation got brought up so I figured what better time than now. Anyway, you are right Diamond, she has a lot of unlovable traits. She obviously cant be 100% real me and hides things.


She only admits guilt when she gets caught red handed, but otherwise deines all day long. She is the type thats only going to drive me crazy in the long run and I will never ever be able to trust her 100%. She wanted me to visit during the holiday the hopefully move out of state to where she is going. She messed everything up by lying and now wants me to move acorss the country. Yeah, how about no. I know deep inside this relationship will never work. Oh well. I tried to give this women all my heart can give. Im done trying to be the sweetest most honest man I can be.
 
Yes. Its obvious this is over. To be honest, having a go about her doing coke on a drug message board YOU belong to is really stupid .

Again, you are not her father . She does not need your approval if shes going to do coke. From how you behave here, you are extremely controlling and its easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Move on.
 
zephyr said:
Yes. Its obvious this is over. To be honest, having a go about her doing coke on a drug message board YOU belong to is really stupid .

Again, you are not her father . She does not need your approval if shes going to do coke. From how you behave here, you are extremely controlling and its easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Move on.
Click to expand...


You seem to be on her side which is fine. There is a lot I haven't posted and know I posted too much stuff I probably shouldn't have. Bottom line, I told her from day one I do not want to in a realtionship with a smoker or anyone who does coke. Obviously that's not the case with her. If she had the courage to tell me stuff rather than keep it from me or lie only shows what kind of person she really is. While I am not her, I wouldn't hide something like that from someone I love no matter how much I though it would hurt them. Its called respect. While I am in no way perfect, I tell her everything, even if I am ashamed of it. That's what you do when you love someone. Everything she has done I forgave her for and vise versa.

We have an amazing relationship, but I knew from the beginning she is the type of girl who would always keep me guessing and that I am better off not getting serious with. We both just have certain behavior and traits that are toxic for one another. She never once admits to anything, while I constantly owning up to mine. It is almost impossible to talk her about real life relationship problems. She always shuts me out and gets super anger. Im the complete opposite. If you cant even talk about whats problem we have and how to work things out, nothing will ever work.

Even her own friends say I am one of the only men that has been able to deal with her shit. She won't even tell me anything, I mean anything about what she hates, dislikes or needs to work on. All she ever says is " I dont like to talk about it, I have depression and need to see a psychiatrist and maybe be put on meds". I've never loved someone in my life, nor thought I ever would. Love is a dangerous and crazy thing. I learned a lot in these 2 years and will take what I learned, better myself and try my best to not make the same mistakes again. Life goes on


Thank you for your input Zephyr
 
No worries. Just remember you need to work your own self and need to know all things going on in your partners life. IF you continue that you will find it hard to let go of your insecurities and any relationship going forward could end up the same
 
stovepipe said:
Bottom line, I told her from day one I do not want to in a realtionship with a smoker or anyone who does coke.
Click to expand...

We have an amazing relationship
Click to expand...

Well, maybe that's why she didn't tell you? Because you would end the relationship? It's not a big stretch.

It's just something to think about for future reference. It was never a problem until you discovered it by reading her texts, right? Like zephyr said, you're not your girlfriend(s)' dad, you shouldn't dictate how they ought to spend their free time unless it results in decreased quality of life for both of you, such as neglecting responsibilities. You seem to have a blanket understanding of drug use, as if anyone who "on paper" does a drug, is all the same. As if her doing coke once in a blue moon at a party is the same as her smoking crack 24/7 and committing petty crime to obtain the money. Do you have the same attitude towards anyone who has a drink once in a while at a party?

Not to offend you, but I can see why she decided to hide stuff from you. Judging by your reactions here, she might as well have a good reason to.

This relationship is beyond repair, I think, but this stuff is still worth thinking about so the same doesn't happen with your future partners.
 
zephyr said:
No worries. Just remember you need to work your own self and need to know all things going on in your partners life. IF you continue that you will find it hard to let go of your insecurities and any relationship going forward could end up the same
Click to expand...

I do not even know where to begin in fixing myself. I was single for almost 6-7 years before dating her. Most my family suffers from mental disorders and are single. She even said she thinks I would be happier alone. Maybe I am meant to be alone, who knows. So many maybes that I just feel lost and dont know what do at this point. She told me again last night everything will be fine, come stay a month with me during the holidays, then move here so we can buy a place. She still wants this relationship to go on and still wants to marry me. She keeps telling me I am her soul mate and the love of her life.

You guys are right in the fact you need to love all of a person, not just bits and pieces. She kept reminding me weekly that she has a lot of things about her I do not love. Maybe when shes gone next week it will sink in and I can start working on myself. I've always been controlling and insecure, I get it from my father. Bad traits I am fully aware of and going to either seek help or figure out a way to tame them. As Diamond said, my girl is probably the worst match for me as all she seems to do is exacerbate my insecurities. I knew from the very beginning this girl is not the right type for me. So many times I tried to walk away, but the sex was so good I kept coming back. Shes an extremely beautiful women who has it all in the looks dept. I mean everything a man wants in a women. She gets hit on all the time, thats tough to deal with being a man.

In the first or second month we started dating, she sat in my lap and told me to tell her something no one knows. She told me she slept with her teacher multiple times when she was 15 or 16. I was blown away not in the fact she did, but that she seemed to show no signs of what she did was wrong and inappropriate. She was smiling while telling me this and saying he was a sweet man. She also told me she had a 3 some. From that day on, I have not been able to see her as my wife or the mother of my children. She once told me, I've done a lot drugs, drank a lot of alcohol, partied my ass off, I played the field (dated a lot of guys), broke a lot of hearts in the process, but I just didn't know what I wanted till she found me:sus:

She has begged me so many times to marry her and I almost did on a couple of occasions drive to the local court to get a marriage license. She is everything Ive ever wanted physically, sexually and she can be really sweet at times, but so many other things about her turn me off. The real her started to show after the honeymoon phase wore off maybe 8-9 months in. I stayed with her because for the first time in my life I finally met someone who excepts all of me. With my BDD being pretty bad, that is something I always thought Id never find. Finally being able to take my shirt off in front of my gf was something Ive nbever been able to do in basically my entire life. My BDD is a whole other story I wont get into, but it has ruined my life to say the least. Anyways, no need for me to drag this reply out. Zephyr I again thank you for taking the time to reply. You make valid points and as much as I want to disagree with you I can't. Think it's a good idea I stay away from posting here for a while. Maybe I will try and post back after shes been gone a while.

belligerent drunk said:
Well, maybe that's why she didn't tell you? Because you would end the relationship? It's not a big stretch.

It's just something to think about for future reference. It was never a problem until you discovered it by reading her texts, right? Like zephyr said, you're not your girlfriend(s)' dad, you shouldn't dictate how they ought to spend their free time unless it results in decreased quality of life for both of you, such as neglecting responsibilities. You seem to have a blanket understanding of drug use, as if anyone who "on paper" does a drug, is all the same. As if her doing coke once in a blue moon at a party is the same as her smoking crack 24/7 and committing petty crime to obtain the money. Do you have the same attitude towards anyone who has a drink once in a while at a party?

Not to offend you, but I can see why she decided to hide stuff from you. Judging by your reactions here, she might as well have a good reason to.

This relationship is beyond repair, I think, but this stuff is still worth thinking about so the same doesn't happen with your future partners.
Click to expand...

You're right Drunk. When I caught her smoking cigarettes she cried and admitted she kept it from me in fear she would lose me over it. Knowing how hard it is to quit, I just told her as long as I don't see it, I don't care anymore, just dont do it in front me. I was diagnosed with COPD last year due to smoking cigarettes. So smoking of any kind is something I do not want to be around. Her weed smoking was and still is out of control. She walks around the house puffing on a bowl most all day long. I mean every where in the house shes got that bowl and lighter in hand. Annoying is an understatement. After I was diagnosed with COPD she cried and cried and said I am sorry for smoking so much in the house, I will only smoke in the bathroom from here on out, I feel so bad, please forgive me. Cool, but she still sometimes gets upset having to smoke in the bathroom that she would just take a hit while sitting next to me on the couch and blow it in the opposite direction all while having a smirk on her face saying "its just a little pot smoke". Yeah, and just 6 moths ago you cried and said I will not smoke around me. I mean come on now, that is very disrespectful.

And yes, her addictions have interfered in the quality of life for both of us. Her neglecting responsibilities from taking care of herself such as her diabetes to cleaning the house for example. Her diabetes has gotten worse and worse since she was diagnosed. She hasn't checked her blood sugar in over 4 months. She only checked it cause Id beg her to and I would check mine all the time even though I dont have it in hopes she would be more consistent. She was supposed to get her diabetes blood work done for over 3 months now. I begged her so many times and even offered to make the appt for her and take her to the dr. Nope, just excuse after excuse. Another example, it was her turn to do the dishes so I decided to see how long it would take her to do them without me having to ask. The sink was full to the max in a couple days. Well 7 days went by not a single dish was cleaned, the smell was overwhelming and she showed no signs of giving a shit. Finally on day 8 I said wtf, how can you live like this. She got so upset, yelled at me, did the dishes then said I was right8(.

She hasn't cleaned the apt once since we moved in 2 months ago except for maybe doing the dishes a few times. Never once did she clean the bathroom, I'm the one. It's always the same excuse, I work so much, the last thing i want to do is clean. She throws her dirty clothes all over the apt. Does laundry then dumps it on the floor, walks on it, cat sleeps on it, leaves it there for days, then picks things from it to wear. What kind of person does that shit? She also is notorious for leaving washed clothes in the washer then has to rewash them due to the overwhelming stench. I mean the apt is like a maze of trash, cloths and shoes. I've left her trash sitting to see how long it would take for her to pick it up. Weeks would go by, sometimes a month before she picks it up.

You are right again in saying I am not her dad. I could care less if she drinks a little here and there, I told her that. Im in no way perfect nor claim to be. But what I am is honest with my addictions. I dont keep or hide my vises from her. I rarely if ever drink and more rare that I am drunk. We've only been drunk together maybe once or twice in two years we've been together. Asked numerous times to get drunk with me but she wont, maybe a drink or two. Or to drink with me when she gets off of work at 2-3am, but her excuse is she has to work in the morning. But she will do it no problem drinking with her friend/friends till 4-5am but not with me. Ive had to pick her up from work cause she was too drunk to drive. She injured herself numerous occasions while drunk. All this stuff is never with me.

She is an amazing singer. Asked her a million times to sing me a song cause she has an amazing voice, but 100 promises and still never happened. But you know what, she told me she sang with her male friend on a couple occasions at work cause he is a musician. Said shes afraid I am going to judge her or make fun of her voice. Da fuck is that? Got damn this girl has made so many promises to me and never keeps them. Even last night I asked her to sing me a song and she said ok with an attitude of course, but she never did. See where I'm going with this? She is a very hard worker, never called out once, gives her job 100% day in and day out. Everything else in life she doesn't seem to give two shits about and its sad to say the least. Her work and the people that surround her are very bad influences on her and shes even admitted that numerous times. Im going to shut up already and stop here.

Thank you drunk for your feedback. It is greatly appreciated. You seem like a very cool laid back person.
 
No worries.

What I was trying to get at is, you seem to be confusing separate issues here. The fact that she neglects responsibilities around the house isn't connected to her partying (e.g cocaine use and other stuff), is it? She's not coked out all day long that she doesn't clean after herself, am I right? My point is, it's important to address the problems for what they are. If she does coke/whatever once in a while, but that isn't connected to her other behaviour you don't like, then don't stress her and yourself over it. It just adds more negativity.

I'm just thinking about future possibilities, and it's important you don't start stressing your partner about their partying (and similar) if it doesn't result in neglect. Even in this case they seem to not be directly connected, but rather a co-occurring result of her personality. You seem to both have your own problems, no offence again - she's living a not-give-a-fuck life, and you have worrying/controlling issues. It's pretty much a recipe for disaster. Doesn't mean either of you is bad or anything, you just don't match in this condition.

You can try to work on your compassion, as she seems to be somewhat troubled and needs understanding; but if you're not ready or able to do it, then better to call it quits, at least for now. I want to stress it again, compassion is important. Her behaviour may be upsetting to you, but nobody's perfect (and neither are you or I). It is, however, possible to change someone with love. Usually warm love is what really does it, not cold force. I know it's hard, but you have to keep that in mind.
 
belligerent drunk said:
No worries.

What I was trying to get at is, you seem to be confusing separate issues here. The fact that she neglects responsibilities around the house isn't connected to her partying (e.g cocaine use and other stuff), is it? She's not coked out all day long that she doesn't clean after herself, am I right? My point is, it's important to address the problems for what they are. If she does coke/whatever once in a while, but that isn't connected to her other behaviour you don't like, then don't stress her and yourself over it. It just adds more negativity.

I'm just thinking about future possibilities, and it's important you don't start stressing your partner about their partying (and similar) if it doesn't result in neglect. Even in this case they seem to not be directly connected, but rather a co-occurring result of her personality. You seem to both have your own problems, no offence again - she's living a not-give-a-fuck life, and you have worrying/controlling issues. It's pretty much a recipe for disaster. Doesn't mean either of you is bad or anything, you just don't match in this condition.

You can try to work on your compassion, as she seems to be somewhat troubled and needs understanding; but if you're not ready or able to do it, then better to call it quits, at least for now. I want to stress it again, compassion is important. Her behaviour may be upsetting to you, but nobody's perfect (and neither are you or I). It is, however, possible to change someone with love. Usually warm love is what really does it, not cold force. I know it's hard, but you have to keep that in mind.
Click to expand...


No offense taken. Im a fairly easy person to talk to and always open to hear others outlook on things. Can't really argue with anything you mentioned. I actually picked up some important info I learned about myself. So much of me wants to disagree with you about us being a unhealthy match, but I know deep down it's true. Some of her actions keep reminding me that If we stay together I may actually have a heart attack. We are both extremely difficult people to deal with. Most of me sticks around for the wrong reasons, I'm in denial. She told me today I'm like a women with my emotions. It kinda hurt me to hear her say that to me. Made me realize how soft I've become.


I'm making a list of all the things I need to work on. Things I need to try and change, and goals Id like to accomplish. Compassion is something I've always had and try to show her. What causes a lot of problems is her lack of talking to me like a friend. She never wants to go in detail or admit anything. Always reminded her she is my best friend first..GF 2nd. She can tell me anything. She keeps most all her emotions or problems to herself. Where as me, I tell her just about everything. Without good communication most all relationships would fail. Now is time to work on myself. Most things I've wanted to do I some how couldn't do them with her in my life. I become too loyal and obsessive to my lady that I tend to neglect my life and self. Thats not a good thing.

Thank you again Drunk. You make a lot of sense as do all of you who posted. As much as I feel like a loser posting my life problems here, I actually learned a lot not only about my problems, but myself that I was too blind to see.


Peace for now
 
Im so sad, I feel like writing more BS, but know I shouldn't waste my time. Ever since her male friend landed in town and staying at the condo, she rarely has ever texted good night, promises to call me but doesn't, then apologizes the next morning. We were supposed to have a proper good bye, but I ended up blowing her off to give her a taste of her own medicine. I told her I didnt want to and didnt return her texts later that night after her texting she loves me. The next day she told me she broke down and cried. See how it feels bitch!

We texted a little bit yesterday and she told me she really does love me. I ignored her, but know feel bad. All the lies shes told me she now has to reassure me shes telling the truth. Kinda regretting blowing her off as I was looking forward to having sex one last time. Went to the condo when they weren't there to grab the last of my things. Noticed the blow up mattresses are in separate rooms. I cant help but wonder if anything between them has happened as she stated she hasn't seen him in 5 years.

Talked to her best friend today about everything thats been going on. She told me Im better off walking away for good and cutting off ties. That I deserve better and shes broken inside, the most stubborn women she ever met, seems to always take for granted a good man and just flat out fucks everything up. How she is the type to bounce around from one relationship to another without giving herself someone alone time. That shes been in a lot of relationships. Also how she always made me out to be the bad guy to her, but after hearing my side of everything, she admitted that my girl is the problem not me. That I have every right to be upset and what she was doing to me wasn't right.

Shes always in denial, Im the only one whos kept her on her toes. But ultimately, If I stick around she will only continue to hurt me as she has. Part of me knew If I said my final good bye it would only make things harder for the both of us. I love this women so much, but as you all have mentioned, she is just about the worst match for me. Im very surprised she hasn't texted me today, very surprised. Maybe me ignoring her a little has caused her to despise me. One things for, she is one cold hearted bitch. I always found myself crawling back to her when I didn't do anything wrong. Shes able to show no emotions and able to not contact me, when Im sitting here like text me bitch. No matter how mad I was at her I would always text her sweet things. So depressed and bored out of my mind. Been doing drugs to help cope with the pain. Im scared for my health with my heart being so hurt on top of the drugs, my body at times feels like its going to shut down. Imma shut my pathetic ass up now.
 
I know there is a long standing tradition of men being controlling of 'their' women, but I think the people saying that it is stovepipes fault that his G/F is lying is pretty odd to me. People are responsible for what they do; no matter what duress (and being afraid of disappointing someone is not a fantastic reason to lie, lying is much more disappointing). It is not right for men to try to dominate and control the behaviour of their partners; it does seem to be a temptation for many; but lying is just another way of trying to exert control and it is equally unfair.

I think the waiting at the bar and the reading of texts is uncalled for. It would be unsettling for your partner to become aware of that, and this will create trust issues from her towards you too. But, with that said, I do understand how constant small lies lead to doubts about much bigger things. My first girlfriend was a chronic liar; never about important things, but as a means of ensuring that I would stay with her. She would say what I wanted to hear. Years later, I feel bad that I may have pushed her to do this, but I am also aware that she was a liar to many people in her life and the lying was pretty much entirely her problem. My behavior simply made it worse. :\
 
Well said Swilow. Thanks for commenting.. Yes, she is responsible for her own actions. Up until the last day she used me to help her get shit done. Looking back Im angry at myself for letting it happen. I let me heart get to me. Soon as her male friend arrived she rarely if ever texted or called. She of course promised to call but never did just the typical im sorry. I broke down a few times and texted her. Felt like the biggest moron doing so as she really seemed to not give a shit. Told me she would call when she got home, never did, nor texted.

Had another long talk with her best friend. She brought everything to light. Told me i probably won't hear from her. That she probably is using that male friend to help get over me and wouldn't be surprised if she is seeing him as he lives very close to where shes staying. Told me that's just what she does. Bounce from one to another without any break in between. I'm heart broken to say the least. Haven't been able to sleep much, constantly thinking about her. Im a complete wreck. Hurts more thats she shows basically no fucks.

Really surprised she hasn't called or texted. This is coming from a women who told me 100's of times she wants to marry me. Guess I know deep down what kind of person she really is now. Selfish, cold hearted bitch that has an excuse for everything. Im sure everyone's bored with my comments and wanting to say wake up and get over this shit already you little pussy. This will more than likely be my last post regarding this matter. Im a moron for having stayed as long as I did. Time to work on me and start a new chapter in my life. Thanks again to all who posted. It means a lot to me and also learned a lot about myself.


Later
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top