Life sucks. Drugs are bullshit. Meth is evil. What now?

[Crankinit]

Ok so I'm pretty fucking high right now, been going 3 days (got a couple hours sleep last night, but it didn't do much), so I apologise in advance for the inevitably disjointed nature of this post. But there's some shit I have to get off my chest.

Not sure where to start really, except maybe with the latter part of that title. 6 months ago I started smoking meth again after 5-ish years of not touching the stuff because of the anxiety and comedown (and the opiate/benzo habit I was busy with). I'd actually gone 18 months almost completely sober (sans meds) until then, so I dunno why I did it. I was a bit drunk, and I guess I just wanted to blow off steam? I don't know.

I'd also been tapering off suboxone - I jumped at the beginning of December, and I'm glad to finally be free of opiates, but the PAWs aspect has really sucked. And more to the point, I just can't seem to figure out how to live sober. I started drugs with MDMA at 16 then meth at 17, went through the whole gamut of substances, now just when I'm toning down all the other stuff, the meth pops up and just gets into my head. Each binge I go more over the top, sketch out harder.

It's not that I smoke every day or anything, usually I buy a 1/2g (along with a lot of booze, can't do one without the other, which sucks because I know it's horrible for my body) every 2 or 3 weeks, get wired for 3 days, spend the rest of the week coming down and sleeping it off, then just go back to life. So compared to where I was with opiates, well it could be worse.

But it's also really fucking with my life. Financially (meth is expensive here in AU), health-wise (I'm trying to get healthy, I changed my diet and lost a ton of weight, then I started this shit again and now I'm going further underweight after each binge), emotionally (the comedowns are awful - heavy anxiety, though I have some benzos which help, and 2 or 3 days of extreme fatigue and depression), and just in the wider scheme of things (I'm trying to make life plans after coming off the subs, but it's hard when all my disposable income gets blown on binges every few weeks, and when I spend at least 1 week a month out of action either binging or recovering).

It's fucked up - I'm 28, if I'm going to get my shit together then I need to get my fucking shit together. I don't wanna be one of those guys in their 30's still living for the next hit, I have interests and ambitions, it's just so hard to find the path between here and a place where I can fulfil them without drugs getting in the way. I didn't expect meth to suddenly become a problem again after I went 5 years without touching it, but now it's just wired into my head. I dream about smoking pipes constantly, even during the sober periods, and going into the city is a constant mental tug-o-war because I know I could just go talk to the right person or make a phone call and I'd have some in 10 minutes. And where I live, I can't really avoid the city.

Anyway I don't know. Part of me thinks that I've made progress overall (no opiates, off suboxone, no needles, reducing benzo intake), so if this is where I'm at, I should just be happy for 3 good weeks out of 4 and make a separate peace with it, you know?

But the other part of me knows I can do, and wants to do, so much more. But then the cravings kick in at the wrong time and fighting them is just so fucking exhausting. I was in the city on Saturday, and it took all my willpower just to walk to the train and get out of there, and I only managed it because I told myself I'd buy some when I got my responsibilities out of the way on Thursday. If I know it's coming in the future, it seems easier to just hold off for the present, but if I tell myself "no, never again will you get that rush," my brain just freaks out.

Maybe this is where I'm at for now, and I just need to accept it that 3 good weeks out of 4 is what I get. But that thought is so depressing it makes me not even want to bother with being healthy and productive, because I know that one binge wipes out the better part of weeks of good eating/sleep, exercise, meditation, etc. And the amount of alcohol (which I'm otherwise not massively partial to, but I find it evens out the tweakiness) I drink when high totally destroys my stomach, and probably other things.

Anyway, just needed to vent I guess. I'll possibly delete this tomorrow when I wake up coming down (although I'd still appreciate any input). I just don't know what the fuck to do.

Every other drug I mostly stopped by burning myself out on it to the point where the hangover/withdrawals/side effects weren't worthwhile, but meth seems to sear into the brain like nothing else. I have a shrink who's really good and understanding in a general sense, but she has zero drug experience, so she doesn't understand what it's like when you have that itch in the back of the brain, you know? Like hot electric wires that you can only put out by smoking meth.

I've even become so fucked off with myself that I've actually considered something like NA or SMART Recovery (I've always kinda thought the NA philosophy was BS, but I'm willing to try anything at this point, and at least I'd get to talk to people who actually understand), but there are no groups that are readily accessible on a regular basis, they're all several hours of travel round trip.

Bah, I hate this. I don't have a ton of regrets when it comes to drugs, but fucking around with meth is definitely one of them. I just can't see a way forward - handling the cravings during my sober periods takes so much out of me that when I get the chance I just go ridiculously over the top on some stupid binge. I'm supposed to be getting my life together, and instead I'm pulling this shit.

And it's not even fun. Pleasurable, sure, but it's not like when I was 19 or 20 or whatever and running around the city on the weekend getting off tap with friends and partying in clubs, I mostly just smoke pipes and drink shitty booze and play video games. All my friends from back in the day have either cleaned up or burnt up, so there's not really anyone left to catch up with and have those crazy scat conversations with. It's pathetic, like one of those rats in a cage sipping the water container with the cocaine in it non-stop. Nothing interesting or engaging, just random blasts of dopamine.

And even when the dopamine runs out, I keep going. I've been barely getting anything out of each toke today except energy and anxiety, certainly none of that expansive body buzzing euphoria you get for the first day or so, despite it being really good gear, but I keep talking myself into one more toke, convinced that this one will be the one that feels awesome. I just had one 10 min or so ago and it was ok, but now I'm just edgy and sweaty. Pretty sure I'd be even worse if I wasn't also quite drunk.

Anyway, like I said, I'm high and on edge and just had to vent. I've always felt that writing about this stuff helps to figure it out, so who knows. If nothing else, it keeps my mind busy - too high to sleep, but too worn down to actually get up and do anything.

Hope anyone reading this is in a better place than I am right now :/

 

[Iqelsa]

I reckon just don't be hard on yourself. 3 good weeks out of 4 is actually pretty good, and I think the bad week wouldn't undo all the good work you put in the rest of the time.... we're all a work in progress, maybe just focus on not letting it get worse and enjoy your bad week

 

[spacejunk]

i think one of the hardest things about quitting opiates is filling that void.

when i first tried getting off opies, my drug use worsened considerably, as did my mental health. i daresay it's all part of a process, and you're working through it. i mean, recognising it's a problem is a good first step in making a better life for yourself.

but y'know - there are no easy answers. you've done bloody well to come off subs though - so, as above, don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[zephyr]

You just need people to talk to and vent. It helps a lot. Theres people around in the same boat or similar.

The urges do pass but wont go away completely.


Its sometimes best to get rid of contacts and implements and let time work its healing.


You will be ok in the long run mate. Just dont make too much out of it or worry about what others think.

 

[herbavore]

Whenever anyone says that they got into drugs in their early teens and never stopped during that whole crucial time of early adult development I think it is important to look at what that time represents. Going from being a child with few responsibilities (in modern cultures) to an adult whose life is supposed to shift to total responsibility is a huge life transition. But it happens gradually and strategies are made to make one's own transition work. One of the biggest responsibilities--the biggest IMO--is emotional responsibility. How will you address your own restlessness and boredom? How will you maintain the balance between vulnerability (trusting others) and self-care (setting boundaries)? How will you address the inevitable self doubt and low self esteem that most of us arrive at adulthood's door carrying with us? Trying to let go of the drugs that have enabled you to mask or push to the side these difficult responsibilities for so long it is inevitable that you will struggle and feel lost.

My suggestion would be to turn to online SMART recovery meetings with the occasional (as much as you can) in person group meeting. The tenets of cognitive behavioral therapy will go far beyond recovery from a drug and get to the vulnerabilities you have that trigger relapse. 12-step can offer a lot of useful life changing philosophies as well. Remember you do not ever have to accept every single thing in any one modality. Use what is useful to you and allow others to make their own decisions about what works for them.

Craving or desire is something that mindfulness and even Buddhism can help with. Most of us just accept that we will be constantly in a tension with our desires. We can't imagine being free from them, only doing battle. But you can learn to sit with a craving and tease it apart while it is happening and over time and experience with this exercise it becomes easier to feel more power in the situation. My cravings are strongest not around drugs but around foods. If I really look at bored eating, say, when I have no real hunger just a craving to eat something sweet or salty or whatever, I can always trace that simple food craving back to something much deeper--a desire to be loved or connected to life in a way I have neglected. In other words there is a deeper emotion under the superficial craving and that is where you can have an effect on your own mind.

I hope you don't delete this thread. Staying in conversation with yourself and others can help you as you continue to explore your own path forward. This is an important time in your life and you are giving it the introspection it deserves.

 

[Dresden]

Find God.

 

[spacejunk]

Or...art?

There are a lot of other interests and obsessions that can be tended to and grown.

I mean, i find the things that fascinate me tend to overlap a bit - drugs, plants, art, music...




I guess some people call that God.

 

[Crankinit]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the input even if I didn't reply at the time :/ I think I might have crashed out sometime after posting this, that whole week is pretty blurry. Then I came down and did the usual - just kind of try and pretend it didn't happen.

Anyway I held out 7 weeks this time, but the itch is still there. I can force it down for a while, keep myself preoccupied and tell myself I can't get high because I need to do this or that, but that just makes me more stressed out (especially with how hectic life has been lately - coming off subs, family stuff, medical stuff, trying to get back into work or study). Eventually the stress hits a critical mass and the desire to get high just takes over.

I spent Sat/Sun/Mon night actively holding down the desire to go and get on, and it worked, but it just seems to increase the pressure, and when I went into the city on Tuesday I could barely focus on what I was supposed to be doing because all I could think about was getting high. About 2 minutes into the walk home I just pulled out my phone and dialed a dealer like autopilot. Somehow I can't even remember my own phone number, but managed to memorize the number of a dealer before I deleted all my contacts and threw out my pipe after the last binge. (Which is, I think, the 5th time I've thrown out a pipe in the last 6 months, but of course that's not a huge impediment - so much for symbolic gestures).

It was kind of bullshit, even as I was waiting for the dude to rock up I knew I was going to regret it, but these things have their own momentum I guess. And of course I went back the next day for more (such good gear! such big bags! the bullshit we tell ourselves...), and here I am, just cleared out the last 1/3pt or so in my bowl and am slowly sliding towards the crash.

Anyway I looked into the online SMART meetings, there's one tonight, so if I'm still awake and coherent in 8 hours I'll check it out. What the hell you know, why not. I don't really see how it could work, but it's not like i'll be doing anything better tonight :/

What's become obvious this year is that I'm not coping with the whole concept of sobriety very well - I can do it for long stretches apparently, but eventually I need that intensity, that ability to just get out of my own head, shut the world out for a bit, or the strain is just too much. Which I guess makes sense, since drugs are how I've more or less coped with all of my problems since I was a teenager.

Anyway I'm having a hard time concentrating, I slept a bit last night but it didn't seem to do much, so apologies for not making replies to individual posts. If I've learned anything it's that just ignoring this isn't going to make it go away, so I'll try engage with this thread more and think things through when I'm a bit more clear headed. Or at least it'll be somewhere to think out loud (so to speak).

tldr: meth is still evil.

 

[Amph]

Im struggling with stopping amphetamine abuse. One thing that helps me greatly is videogames! Games like minecraft, TF2, Skyrim, GTA, etc really keep you occupied and entertained. For insomnia I recommend melatonin supplements. They can be procured at any local drug store or supermarket and are non addictive plus completely natural. I hope the best for you!

 

[Crankinit]

Thanks man. I used to love video games (actually playing Subnautica right now - brilliant stuff), but these days I can't seem to summon the motivation to play them much unless, ironically, I'm high :/ I think a big part of that is just the PAWS anhedonia. Everything I usually enjoy feels kind of "bleh." And because I'm so tired for a big chunk of the day when I finally have some energy in the afternoon I want to use it to do things that feel more productive. Then I get tired from that and can't focus enough to get some gaming in before sleeping.

Insomnia actually isn't too bad atm when I'm sober, I've got a pretty solid meditation regimen down, and that combined with diet/lifestyle improvements seems to have gotten my sleep in order. Which is pretty incredible, considering I had severe chronic insomnia since I was 10/11ish, maybe earlier. The 7 weeks between these last two binges I slept between 1am and 10am almost every night - which might not seem like much, but is pretty incredible compared to my old sleep pattern just being all over the place.

I think a lot of it is just the boredom and depression and not being able to figure out what the fuck life is supposed to be like without drugs in it. Which shits me, because I have stuff I want to do, and I can't do it and also just blow life off for a random meth bender every now and then, but I can't seem to hold out indefinitely either. I dunno.

Good luck with your own amphetamine problems Hope you manage to kick it in the ass, it's such a bullshit drug.

Edit: Urgh, I wish I could stop wanting this fucking drug. Had a ton of residue pileup in the pipe and I've spent the the last 2 hours melting it down, but now I'm actually quite tweaked out again. Not even especially high, because 48 hours is kind of the point of dimnished returns, but just keyed up. Would be so much easier if I could have just thrown out what was left in the bag when I woke up this morning. Or not gone to buy more yesterday. Or not gotten on at all. Fuck. Stupid meth.

 

[Crankinit]

I swear there was a time when I enjoyed this shit. Went back and bought more today, just woke up after sleeping a few hours last night and immediately decided I didn't want to keep feeling that horrible flat nothingness of the comedown for the next 3 days. Of course buying more is just a delaying tactic, but still. Just point bag, but smoked half of it in 3 hours, and went from too tired and depressed to do anything to being too keyed up and tweaked to enjoy anything. Granted it was above average gear, but still. But I still wanna keep smoking, even though I know it'll just make me feel more wired.

I just can't seem to reach a point of satiation, which at least I could manage with opiates. With meth it goes straight from craving to overly high, and then back to craving.

This is getting fucking weird. First I used it to party, then I stopped using it at all, then I started again last August and mostly just sit around doing things I'd do anyway, except all obsessively and keyed up. The first 24 hours are good if I've gone a few days without any, after that it mostly just keeps me wired and prevents the comedown. I'm not even doing anything I wouldn't be doing if I was just crashing - sitting on the internet, watching TV, whatever. I'm just doing it at 1000 mph instead of while feeling a complete absence of pleasure or emotion.

Ugh. What a bullshit drug. But I still can't stop obsessing over the fact that there's a nice chunky shard still in my desk.

Also 99% sure everyone around me knows I'm high. Even the ones who ignored the track marks and constant "I've just got a flu" back in my opiate days are dropping pointed remarks and giving me the look. Maybe that's paranoia speaking, but would it even be so bad? Like it fuck it, why not just have it out there?