First off, I've been clean for four going on five years now. I used mostly heroin and coke, but had a bad falling out with crack (which I swear never to repeat. I know some might disagree with me saying meth or possibly methadone is the devil's drug but I believe it to be crack). Anyway, I digress, so my argument (or problem) -
For the past year I've been advertising my private music business (teaching piano, guitar, and voice; sometimes bass for those who need it and theory). I used to have an average of 15+ clients back in the day, maybe 10 years ago or so. I was clean at the time, but about 4 years in I was pulled (trying to avoid cliches) into the drug world. I then retired from teaching students and began using daily. I did team up with another musician in the hopes of creating but he was a heavy user of crack and things went sour. I was in the drug game for ~ 13 years at the point where I fell off; thankfully the majority of those years were clean time. I had saved quite a bit of money but ended up blowing it on dope. All this through a musical contact no less. Truth: I was around bad people but I can only blame myself for the relapse. Recovering was not easy but I did it, mostly on my own, and am now using all this subject matter to write a memoir.
Once I cleaned up and got it together, I began working on my memoir more seriously and when I finally reached the point where I felt I kicked my habit, that is I would never return to drugs, I began advertising in music again. I was happy in the beginning. Things were looking up. I was working on a new album, had my chops back, was clean and figured I would bring in new students. Now out of all the people I have taught music, I was never high at the time of teaching. I didn't play like that that. I ran the gamut, ages ranging from 3-70, including students with disabilities. I had studied with private teachers all my life, except during my University years); Now I was slowly building my skill with new teachers while at the same time garnering more students. Judging from history, coupled with the fact that I stayed clean during my teaching years I figured with my resume and all that I might not get my old students back but would bring in new business.
In the past year, I have received virtually no e-mails, no phone calls, nothing. Maybe this is crackhead thinking (lol a term I have borrowed from an old friend and will use in my memoir) but unfortunately I live in a town where basically everybody (especially the police) knows everybody's business. This is to a point of course, but this is how my town works. It has always been this way. The community knows which areas are crime areas and they avoid them. Certain areas are just places police don't even bother, while heavily trafficking others.
In short, I'm beginning to think that my past has finally caught up with me, socio-economically. I advertise by putting up fliers, which has always worked, but it seems that no matter how many are taken down no one calls. I triple-checked e-mail and phone number and all, but it just isn't working. I see other teachers who have been doing what I have been doing, for years now, and having recently met one in person I know it cannot be the economy anymore (is it?) since he has a great deal of students. I have now focused solely on literature and producing an album. While these activities have proven to be beneficial, I can't shake the feeling that somehow I've been derailed by the community as an addict, or a previous addict (if that makes sense) who cannot be relied upon. I do have another job, but the income is pretty low and it's just not my style. Unfortunately, in my town, it seems certain people get pigeon-holed. Per esempio: driving with my family during the Christmas break, my mom and I saw a number of folks who are known in the community as 'wanderers': unstable, mentally ill, possibly useless, but harmless (as they are also labeled) nonetheless. Most of them chill in a half-way home that is near me. I have helped some of them in the past with minor cash flow. My parents kinda just laugh at them, not necessarily being mean: they say that this guy or that girl is nice and ok but has problems. I surmise most of the neighborhood feels the same. But still, sometimes at night I think: will that be my future? I mean, will I be known as an addict who is mentally ill and who is without a job, meandering the streets as some private joke?
In short, let me say I know my own limitations. That is, I know I cannot return to heroin and definitely may never return to cocaine. It is hard to admit, but crack ruined me. Rather, I ruined part of my life with crack. And other drugs played an important role, too, costing me this dollar and that cent. At one time, drugs seemed the only way, the only cool thing to do, and at whatever cost. After being clean for nearly five years straight, I know that the big picture says otherwise. It’s a cliché, but it’s true: there is so much more to life than drugs. In other words, you can use recovery to make a new life for yourself, whatever that life will be. I also abstain from alcohol; even though I never had a problem with it I have decided that by not touching it I remove myself from possible addiction and the associated guilt that comes along with abusing a substance. The only "drug" I take nowadays is prescribed klonopin. In actuality, it is medicine, not a “drug” in the sense of what is generally known as a narcotic). I have never abused my Rx for benzodiazepines and am considering eventually tapering off (with doc's guidance of course). The rationale for this is that I have been on klonopin for a long time; I quit everything else so I may as well quit everything. But who knows. Certain things are needed. Just like medicine, defense is needed. I might become an attorney. I believe in defending people who may be experiencing a crisis, or who have been weakened by others and need to become strong again. I want the American Dream. Maybe I just crave freedom, a liberty that is (or should be) guaranteed by the articles of the Constitution. I know that the American Dream, or any dream, complete with freedom, does not come so easily - I work for it, I will continue to work for it, and I worked hard to get where I am today. Not just staying clean, the clean time and all but making something of myself is crystal and that is what I am doing. Making it in the art/literature world is not easy, but I am twenty steps closer to my dream than I was twenty years ago. Ten years ago. Hell, five years ago. Climbing to the top takes time, it is tough as nails. While you are climbing, you may not receive any help. I miss the days of being a private music teacher. It's been over a year with no calls or e-mails from potential clients. I miss the students, the interaction, and the steady (albeit rather low) income provided. Incidentally, I am thinking of running a background check on myself just to make sure there are no sketchy files on me. That could prove to be the culprit of what otherwise might be blamed on poor economy, though I still have my doubts and concerns as to why my life as a private music teacher has become all but null and void.
Anybody else in/has been in a similar situation in so far not being able to find a job due to neighborhood prejudice, mental illness, drugs, any of the above or associations with the wrong crowd (whether common folk or the brass views you as wrong counts as well). Societal abuse may begin with a neighbor's prejudice, perhaps his arrogance, and its corruption can extend all the way to the very people you love. Any questions about this post, my upcoming memoir, tips on music or just staying clean (and how to have fun with it) pm if you like. Thanks for listening, take care,
mandraxx
For the past year I've been advertising my private music business (teaching piano, guitar, and voice; sometimes bass for those who need it and theory). I used to have an average of 15+ clients back in the day, maybe 10 years ago or so. I was clean at the time, but about 4 years in I was pulled (trying to avoid cliches) into the drug world. I then retired from teaching students and began using daily. I did team up with another musician in the hopes of creating but he was a heavy user of crack and things went sour. I was in the drug game for ~ 13 years at the point where I fell off; thankfully the majority of those years were clean time. I had saved quite a bit of money but ended up blowing it on dope. All this through a musical contact no less. Truth: I was around bad people but I can only blame myself for the relapse. Recovering was not easy but I did it, mostly on my own, and am now using all this subject matter to write a memoir.
Once I cleaned up and got it together, I began working on my memoir more seriously and when I finally reached the point where I felt I kicked my habit, that is I would never return to drugs, I began advertising in music again. I was happy in the beginning. Things were looking up. I was working on a new album, had my chops back, was clean and figured I would bring in new students. Now out of all the people I have taught music, I was never high at the time of teaching. I didn't play like that that. I ran the gamut, ages ranging from 3-70, including students with disabilities. I had studied with private teachers all my life, except during my University years); Now I was slowly building my skill with new teachers while at the same time garnering more students. Judging from history, coupled with the fact that I stayed clean during my teaching years I figured with my resume and all that I might not get my old students back but would bring in new business.
In the past year, I have received virtually no e-mails, no phone calls, nothing. Maybe this is crackhead thinking (lol a term I have borrowed from an old friend and will use in my memoir) but unfortunately I live in a town where basically everybody (especially the police) knows everybody's business. This is to a point of course, but this is how my town works. It has always been this way. The community knows which areas are crime areas and they avoid them. Certain areas are just places police don't even bother, while heavily trafficking others.
In short, I'm beginning to think that my past has finally caught up with me, socio-economically. I advertise by putting up fliers, which has always worked, but it seems that no matter how many are taken down no one calls. I triple-checked e-mail and phone number and all, but it just isn't working. I see other teachers who have been doing what I have been doing, for years now, and having recently met one in person I know it cannot be the economy anymore (is it?) since he has a great deal of students. I have now focused solely on literature and producing an album. While these activities have proven to be beneficial, I can't shake the feeling that somehow I've been derailed by the community as an addict, or a previous addict (if that makes sense) who cannot be relied upon. I do have another job, but the income is pretty low and it's just not my style. Unfortunately, in my town, it seems certain people get pigeon-holed. Per esempio: driving with my family during the Christmas break, my mom and I saw a number of folks who are known in the community as 'wanderers': unstable, mentally ill, possibly useless, but harmless (as they are also labeled) nonetheless. Most of them chill in a half-way home that is near me. I have helped some of them in the past with minor cash flow. My parents kinda just laugh at them, not necessarily being mean: they say that this guy or that girl is nice and ok but has problems. I surmise most of the neighborhood feels the same. But still, sometimes at night I think: will that be my future? I mean, will I be known as an addict who is mentally ill and who is without a job, meandering the streets as some private joke?
In short, let me say I know my own limitations. That is, I know I cannot return to heroin and definitely may never return to cocaine. It is hard to admit, but crack ruined me. Rather, I ruined part of my life with crack. And other drugs played an important role, too, costing me this dollar and that cent. At one time, drugs seemed the only way, the only cool thing to do, and at whatever cost. After being clean for nearly five years straight, I know that the big picture says otherwise. It’s a cliché, but it’s true: there is so much more to life than drugs. In other words, you can use recovery to make a new life for yourself, whatever that life will be. I also abstain from alcohol; even though I never had a problem with it I have decided that by not touching it I remove myself from possible addiction and the associated guilt that comes along with abusing a substance. The only "drug" I take nowadays is prescribed klonopin. In actuality, it is medicine, not a “drug” in the sense of what is generally known as a narcotic). I have never abused my Rx for benzodiazepines and am considering eventually tapering off (with doc's guidance of course). The rationale for this is that I have been on klonopin for a long time; I quit everything else so I may as well quit everything. But who knows. Certain things are needed. Just like medicine, defense is needed. I might become an attorney. I believe in defending people who may be experiencing a crisis, or who have been weakened by others and need to become strong again. I want the American Dream. Maybe I just crave freedom, a liberty that is (or should be) guaranteed by the articles of the Constitution. I know that the American Dream, or any dream, complete with freedom, does not come so easily - I work for it, I will continue to work for it, and I worked hard to get where I am today. Not just staying clean, the clean time and all but making something of myself is crystal and that is what I am doing. Making it in the art/literature world is not easy, but I am twenty steps closer to my dream than I was twenty years ago. Ten years ago. Hell, five years ago. Climbing to the top takes time, it is tough as nails. While you are climbing, you may not receive any help. I miss the days of being a private music teacher. It's been over a year with no calls or e-mails from potential clients. I miss the students, the interaction, and the steady (albeit rather low) income provided. Incidentally, I am thinking of running a background check on myself just to make sure there are no sketchy files on me. That could prove to be the culprit of what otherwise might be blamed on poor economy, though I still have my doubts and concerns as to why my life as a private music teacher has become all but null and void.
Anybody else in/has been in a similar situation in so far not being able to find a job due to neighborhood prejudice, mental illness, drugs, any of the above or associations with the wrong crowd (whether common folk or the brass views you as wrong counts as well). Societal abuse may begin with a neighbor's prejudice, perhaps his arrogance, and its corruption can extend all the way to the very people you love. Any questions about this post, my upcoming memoir, tips on music or just staying clean (and how to have fun with it) pm if you like. Thanks for listening, take care,
mandraxx
