Life after Ego death.

[187coopa]

Hi im 25 years old. 7 years ago I destroyed my self identity.. Basically hit the restart button on an unknown chemical. I blacked out after losing consciousness on 3 hits of what was supposed to be acid. Nothing but swirling colors and a vortex of hell basically describes the trip i took. Ever since Idk who I am or how to live life like every other white 25 year old i kno does. The only thing that saved me was finally giving in I fought the trip for 4-5 hours. at which time i blacked out.

Nowadays I work a mediocre job and live with my mom. blessed with somewaht decent looks so pussy is my main distraction from insanity. Yet now im to point where i dont even use my pretend personality and just push everyone away from me. Ive basically cut ties with friends family coworkers. I reject the world completely and see the hypocrisy in everything.. " being a slave to the international banks the conniving bullshit supposed friends use to guilt you into doing there deeds. Im tired Im exhausted Im bent and Im angry I reject life as it is. I find no fun in social gatherings and the so called fun others seem to enjoy. Its all a shell game Thank god for alcohol otherwise I wouldnt be able to blend in and keep up the social facade ive maintained for the past 7 years, yet the facade is falling and im crumbling even exclaiming to known friends and people the shit im saying right now to the internet.

Im lost, Im sad, I have no outlets to vent this shit and its overflowing inside me..

How do I get back to who I was before crossing the bridge to insanity, self awakening, taking the red pill in the matrix when the blue pill was the answer. Im lost sorry bluelight idk where else to turn.. losing my sanity. Life seems like one big facade to me and it disgusts me. Like rust cohle says in true detective.. If my programming didnt fight it I would commit suicide and be done with it. But this stupid hardwirigng of the brain of the self wont allow me to pull the trigger.

 

[Ismene]

Try finding pleasure in the small things coop. For the next two seconds are you in agony? Then think of the next two seconds after that.

 

[Mysterie]

natural thing to do after peeling the curtains hiding reality, is to be sober, start meditating every day, and start your search on the spiritual path. if you hate everything and are disgusted at everything around you, thats whats going to come back to you. if you genuinely love everyone and everything around you and spread it around, thats also what you will receive back. in order for you to love others, try to start loving yourself, its cliche but true. anger only serves to feed the cycle of hate, break the cycle by starting to work on yourself, so you can have a positive effect on those close to you.

 

[Ismene]

You can't be disgusted at everything around you tho. If there's a blackbird outside put a few raisins out for it to eat - that won't disgust you.

 

[homme]

I don't know if this is good advice, but it is what I think:

Why do you build up a "pretended self" which seems not what you want to be?
Don't pretend something: Find out, how you want to be and try to be or become such a person.
What is the reason you pretend to be someone you are not?

I think it's likely that "going back" might not be a realistic option. But you can go forward, in a direction that is equally good, or better, than where you came from. Good, but different.


In what ways is "insanity" a problem of your daily life?
It seems like: you can express yourself in words. You can behave social enough to get women laid.
That suggest there's quite some sanity left.

In addition: I second Mysterie's reply.

 

[phuckingnutz]

I don't know if this is good advice, but it is what I think:


I think it's likely that "going back" might not be a realistic option. But you can go forward, in a direction that is equally good, or better, than where you came from. Good, but different.

.

Good advice.

 

[Yeetbeat]

Exactly as Homme said - don't necessarily put your energy into going back to your old self so to speak; fighting the direction your personality may be wanting to go right now could make things worse (lead to confusion, frustration, and general hopelessness if you really chase it). Consider it an opportunity to reinvent and remould certain aspects of your persona. Work away from any bad habits or though processes that might push their way to the front of your mind, and focus on any positive openings you may come across. You've got a chance to decide where you'd like to go with yourself right now, take it


But in the end, just stay positive. Things will only stay shit if you let them

 

[Burnt Offerings]

What you describe just sounds like classic garden variety depression to me...

 

[theacidtest]

We live in a society that is, for the most part, pretty soul crushing. But you have to find joy in the little things. I detest a lot of social interaction, particularly with vapid materialistic and self -absorbed people. But I find it a great relief when I come home, joyfully greet my pets, and spend a little time looking at the stars on my back porch.

It can, and likely will, get lonely sometimes when everyone around you is wrapped up in "the game" that modern existence in western culture is. Sometimes relief can be something as simple as relaxing and listening to your favorite music.

In the end, you should ultimately try to find something that can make you feel fulfilled. Everyone's ultimate goal should be the realization of your own true will. It takes time and it likely will take hard work. But find what you think you might be happy doing and do it. You'll be told you can't, even by yourself, but you'll be surprised what you can accomplish within this life when you attack a goal with the entire force of your existence.

 

[Thorns Have Roses]

Nowadays I work a mediocre job and live with my mom

A far more likely culprit for your misery than your oh-so-nuanced understanding of the modern financial system.

conniving bullshit supposed friends use to guilt you into doing there deeds. Im tired Im exhausted Im bent and Im angry I reject life as it is. I find no fun in social gatherings and the so called fun others seem to enjoy. Its all a shell game

blessed with somewaht decent looks so pussy is my main distraction

Et tu, Brute?


Did you expect that you could go on in perpetual adolescence? Meaningless parties, and hanging out drinking while living at home is not what responsible adults do. You need to find something your'e interested in and pursue it, it's won't necessarily become a career, but when you're trying, you'll meet other people who are trying just as hard, who are just as fed up with the lifestyle you are leaving behind. You just might be able to build rewarding relationships, and get a partner rather than a piece of genitalia. Don't give up on the race before you've even left the starting gate.

Ask yourself what you would have to do to be able to look anyone in the eye and tell them that you're proud of life. That's where you should start looking.

 

[tacodude]

Don't move back, but move forward. Just appreciate the memories of the past rather than dwell in them as your future will reflect where you focus in the present.

 

[adder]

I doubt that you lost your self identity. I mean it's not like you can't recover it. You haven't lost anything, perhaps you've seen more than you had been aware of? When I realised that the world around me is mostly evil and unfair, I started taking opioids and benzodiazepines, I was 14 then, and I was asleep for the next 9 years. I rejected the world as it is instead of doing something to change it and I was never happy. I was lacking something and I didn't know what it was. It's unity and it's not like you can't maintain yourself being one with the others, actually you can then spread your wings even wider. After I quit clonazepam, I woke up and although I still lack something, now at least I know what it is. I stopped asking the same questions and I moved on, I'm far from satisfaction, but everything becomes clearer and clearer. I'm 24 now, I know nothing is going to be like it was when I was a kid, but I never miss those times, I was lost and adrift, now I can start everything anew.

I don't know how you feel about it, but I prefer to live knowing the truth however bad it is rather than be just an unaware carrier of the virus. Start meditating and soon you'll know what to do. Also, look for people who seem to be disconnected from the world just as you are, you'll find common language with them much easier than with the others, they will help you to accept your present state of mind, perhaps you will help someone too. Most of the people I know I've got nothing to talk about, but there are a few people that I've got many things to discuss with. Good luck!

PS. Actually, you've already helped me. I'm sitting here far away from home wondering about stuff that doesn't matter now and your thread reminded me I need to get back on track.

Cheers

 

[Xorkoth]

Did you expect that you could go on in perpetual adolescence? Meaningless parties, and hanging out drinking while living at home is not what responsible adults do. You need to find something your'e interested in and pursue it, it's won't necessarily become a career, but when you're trying, you'll meet other people who are trying just as hard, who are just as fed up with the lifestyle you are leaving behind. You just might be able to build rewarding relationships, and get a partner rather than a piece of genitalia. Don't give up on the race before you've even left the starting gate.

Ask yourself what you would have to do to be able to look anyone in the eye and tell them that you're proud of life. That's where you should start looking.

Really good advice... listen to this man.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i experienced ego death (or at least what i think could be considered ego death) while under the influence of MXP yesterday, but in a way in kind of gave me some kind of spiritual rebirth actually. if you look at it negatively i can imagine its actually quite a scary concept, for me it actually boosted my ego in ways i didn't expect, though its only day one so far. i actually had very similar beliefs to you before i experienced the concept of my ego shattering experience - friends, family and the world in general looked extremely bleak and i hated it. today i'm actually sitting here thinking that the world isn't actually such a terrible place to be in.

i tend to isolate myself from the world but just stepping outside of the door today into the sunshine was a very enlightening experience for some reason. i tended to just remove myself from the society we live in because i don't think it understands me, i don't think it ever will, but actually it feels as though i've matured in some kind of manner. i want to move on from this child like stance I'm in at the moment, dabbling around with drugs, letting people take care of me, getting my life on track as a proper person would do etc... rebirth almost. i'm not sure if the 4-ho-met showed me this or the MXP, but either way, i think having my ego shattered was actually one of the most profound things that could have ever happened to me.

the world doesn't revolve around me, i'm not some kind of super man who is invulnerable to the world around me and i have finally come to accept that. perhaps the fact that i experienced what i considered to be death also helped. i don't know.

 

[adder]

I think the name is "depersonalisation/derealisation", which is further the reason for dissociation, and not actual ego death. I don't think anyone could live without an ego, it would feel like being constantly depersonalised until you die and you wouldn't be aware of that either. You wouldn't even be able to post a message, so you definitely didn't lose your ego, you have the image of yourself blurred.

I know this state of mind both from experiences on dissociatives and from every day life now. Dissociatives usually induce this state of mind for a few hours and it may be of benefit to you, because it's easy to observe yourself from the outside and judge your actions more objectively according to universal values and not temporary emotions. Dissociatives impair firing between neurons, which also, I believe, helps to create new pathways and is responsible for that refreshing feeling once a dissociative wears off. It's truly a great feeling, I admit. At times I felt as if I could go out and start doing anything I wanted, because I knew nobody could affect my mood. I was ecstatic but not drugged.

The big difference between dissociative-induced dissociation and depersonalisation/derealisation is that the latter you feel every minute every day unless you manage to distract yourself. However, no distraction works for much longer than it lasts. Imagine that you can look at yourself from the outside but then you can't fully connect back. You remember your memories and you know they're yours, but you can't actually feel them for real, they're somehow empty. People dearest to your heart start accusing you that you don't care about them. They don't understand you feel disconnected from yourself and thus from your feelings. You look at a person you love and you feel so distant no matter what you do. You look in the mirror, you see your face, you know it's yours, and somehow something is wrong, it's as if the image wasn't the reflection of you, which by extension feels as if you weren't you. It's very difficult to understand for people who have never been through it. It's hard to maintain continuity, for instance even if I have a breakthrough one day, all the progress seems to be gone on the following day, and I'm struggling with the same problems. This also affects memory, it's hard to make new memories without emotions, it affects every day life, because at some point you realise you don't even feel fear, which is a frightening feeling itself, because then you can't feel danger.

Dissociation may seem wonderful when it's short-lasting, but it's a curse when you have to deal with it every day constantly losing yourself and then regaining yourself for a moment only to lose yourself again. Although I know there are a few people who really care about me, none of them seems to be able to comprehend what I'm going through. I feel like a disabled person but nobody can see my disablement. Every day I pray for meeting one single bold person who will truly understand and help me find a way out of this, because I don't know any more if I can do it by myself. I've been playing various tricks with myself to remember who I am, but I see no lasting progress. The most ridiculous thing is while I may have problems with expressing feelings and emotions, I feel so alone and long for someone with whom I could even just sit and be quiet in a way that doesn't make us feel uncomfortable. It's very hard to recover because this constant creepy atmosphere pushes me further and further away from the real world as I find partial peace only in my imagination and dreams.

Anyway, that is only to tell everyone who feels this way that they're not alone, and that there are some coping mechanisms you can find through meditation and self-analysis, so it doesn't feel all scary.

 

[zyrow]

The thing about ego death induced by substances, it's not permanent unfortunately. It seems as though your ego is still very much in tact OP, and perhaps you are suffering from confusion and negativity in your life.

Maybe you awoke to the darkness, but you have to realize, there is no darkness without light.

Find the light OP, and maybe one day in the distant future you can achieve true ego annihilation and end the cycle of birth and death for good.

Otherwise just find happiness in your life bro, I assure you if you keep dwelling on the darkness you will only be miserable.

Maybe start with some kind of meditation as people have been saying.