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Lack of sex is hurting our relationship

M

Mcgrog

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 23, 2016
Messages
3
I have a bit of a role reversal problem right now. My wife and I have a falling out each month whenever I don't meet the quota for sex. She turns over in her sleep and won't talk to me for a whole day or two after. It's usually within the time frame of 2-3 weeks of no sex happening.

We just got back from a week and a half of vegas. I'm dead tired and don't feel like meeting anyone's demands right now. It's been 3 weeks, and I'm happy just to cuddle and kiss. I used to think I couldn't handle being in a marriage because of all the dads I hear complaining about lack of sex. My wife was a real prude before we married, and always acted like she didn't need sex, while I was begging her for it. But oh the tables have turned. I just don't see sex, as sexy anymore. I blame that on having my first daughter. Changing diapers, seeing piss and poo, food tossed all over the place, I just don't feel sexy about myself anymore. My wife likes to get in all naughty positions to tempt me, but I've seen everything. It just isn't kinky like it first was. I'll have sex when I'm in the mood. I haven't been in the mood. She doesn't feel the same. She always whines and complains that we're not going at it enough. That we're not like other couples. Pray tell, what are other couples like?

I love my wife dearly and wish to grow old with her. We're in our 30's now and I fear she's hitting her prime years in sex while I'm getting over mines. Sometimes I think I should have married a 30 year old when I was 18. I just don't know how long our relationship will last over this bickering about it. I feel like she's being too immature about it, while she thinks I'm not reciprocating her feelings enough. I really don't want this to tear us apart, so is this something that she'll get over someday? Or should I be looking to get into viagra?
 
why do you need viagra?

the key thing is that you both need to compromise

its very easy for 2-3 weeks of no sex to become no sex for 6 months. that can kill a marriage. she's making an effort but you sound exhausted yet its kind of stupid to think that you can let that part of a marriage die and things will be fine. its not good if your only in your 30's .

have a night each month/every two weeks where you get a baby sitter (someone you can trust) go out for food and have time together not marred by the mundanity of your everyday home life.

thats what a successful relationship needs- time for intimacy free from life.

if you dont make an effort and she is horny its will lead to 1 of three options. Cheating/ divorce/ resentment

have either of you let yourself go?
 
I feel like my wife doesn't want to compromise many things because 1) she feels like it's her duty as a mother to be there for her child 2) my mother has drilled it into her head about all the husbands who cheat with their babysitters. What's left is an early 30 husband like me, who eventually loses his libido but is too tired to fight it anymore. My mother has a huge influence over our relationship because she scares the crap out of my wife; while being the only trusted person who we can leave our daughter with outside of a babysitter. I've suggested renting a hotel for a whole day while we just doing nothing but drink, smoke and fuck like college students which was quickly shot down.

Sometimes I feel like my wife is partly to blame, which I can never fully discuss with her about because it sounds too radical to her. After marrying, she made me promise to stop masturbating. This is coming from someone who used to masturbate 5-10 times a day, and had the stamina to impregnate her right after when we lived apart. I've tried doing it in secret early on, but she ALWAYS found out somehow, either from the quality/quantity of fluid that comes from me after climax, the way I behave etc. After stopping masturbating for half a year, my body feels overstressed, I can't sleep anymore at night and I snap sometimes. I cannot convince her that masturbation is normal and healthy. She used to be a cool and chill person, but now my image of her is a bit crazy and controlling and that doesn't help my sexual appetite for her any.

There's so many things expected of me to give, it doesn't even end at sex but I've been able to fullfill all those obligations except for this one, which requires my body to fully comply as well.

I figured time is the only way to fix things now, because time is the only thing that will allow my daughter to grow up and become less dependent of us. We can both stop fearing about things like, what happens if we're too tired to wake up in the middle of the night of our baby needs us? I used to be able to wake up in the middle of the night when she cries and needs her bottle of milk. But now without properly being able to fall asleep at night, and stress I don't even have the strength to get up anymore, unless my wife is sick or ill, I rely soley on her now to get out of bed. My back hurts, my feet has developed a condition where it hurts to walk when I wake up, I get frequent migraines, I'm seeing my vitamin D levels drop, my cholestoral levels have skyrockted etc. Meanwhile she goes to the doctor and she checks out with an A+ on everything. But I'm OK with all that as long as my partner is willing to love and be happy to ride out with me until that times comes. But I'd be damned if time is also a double edge sword that will push some people to cheat/leave.
 
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Mhmm, after reading that ^, I realized that it's a control issue. You see her as extremely controlling and have resentment towards her. Exactly what you said, "but now my image of her is a bit crazy and controlling and that doesn't help my sexual appetite for her any." You don't want to have sex with her whenever SHE wants to, you want to have sex whenever YOU want to. It's one of the few areas that you have control over.

Reading your first post, I thought you were incredibly selfish, here your wife is dressing in sexy outfits and trying desperately to have sex with you, and you just deny her, I mean, how horrible that would be for her self-confidence, to be shut down constantly while being vulnerable. But now I see that it's not a "mean" thing persay, but really more of a power struggle.

How about a date night? Hire a babysitter, drop the kid off at a friend/family house? Plan something! Surprise your wife with dinner (maybe take out since you'll probably be too lazy to make something), buy her a nice outfit, candles, etc. And go crazy! Or book a couples massages, and relax together. :) Baby steps...

Although, I think another option would be to really look into couples therapy to investigate further into these control and resentment issues. I'm really not hearing about any love, appreciation, and respect....
 
Pretty_Diamonds said:
Although, I think another option would be to really look into couples therapy to investigate further into these control and resentment issues. I'm really not hearing about any love, appreciation, and respect....
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That would be the best option imo/e. You both can work your things out and perhaps realize this has nothing to do with sex but with something else. It's healthy and it works for both of you. I have done it and we felt great about ourselves. I actually learned a lot about my wife in therapy. Very rewarding experience.
 
I don't know why you allowed her to force you to stop masturbating.
I definitely agree with Pretty Diamonds - there are lots of control issues going on here (including with your mother).

Without knowing more, I would guess that your mother controls you, even now, and that she controls your wife as well.
Your wife also controls you, and that probably made you feel safe, at least at first, but it's not doing anything to turn you on now.

Masturbation will help your sex life immensely. It will get your pecker "in good shape" and ready to make love.
If you don't do it, you will wither and dry up like a sponge...


(If my wife wanted me to stop masturbating, I would immediately turn the conversation to trying to find out why she thought she had the right to control my behavior in private. If she voiced her suspicious that I had secretly masturbated due to my low volume of ejaculate during sex, I would be so fast to tell her to get the fuck out of my private life....So, I have trouble understanding why you would allow someone to control you to this extent, and I might not be able to empathize sufficiently with your position. But, as someone who has had the other side of the issue to deal with, with my wife not interested often enough for me, I feel for your wife... If I were her, I might feel like "put out or get out".)
 
I can't sleep at night cuz of lack of sex either.
Our lives totally changed after our baby girl was born. I would never expect my husband to stop masterbating. It's normal and a heathy thing to do. For me, I feel I've been replaced by porn and masterbating. Maybe I've been in mommy/mode to drastically? But I always tell him when I'm Horny and ready for some hot dick. So, yeah, it's a challenge to keep the spark going.
I want more intimacy and sex. Heck, I will take some foreplay and a climax and I would be satisfied. We never have date night or have someone we can trust with our rambunctious daughter. Yeah , it's so mundane and boring.
I can totally relate to you OP.
Sex in marriage is crucial to getting along and having harmony in life. I hope to find that again one day.
 
Btw, I'm 41 and he's 44
We've been married since 2004
We started dating on 2000
I was 25 back then ...
We struggled for 10 years to have a baby and BAM one day I got pregnant and our whole life changed. Having your own child to tend do 24/7 changes soooo many aspects of your life. I cannot put it into words.
 
slimvictor said:
I don't know why you allowed her to force you to stop masturbating.
I definitely agree with Pretty Diamonds - there are lots of control issues going on here (including with your mother).

Without knowing more, I would guess that your mother controls you, even now, and that she controls your wife as well.
Your wife also controls you, and that probably made you feel safe, at least at first, but it's not doing anything to turn you on now.

Masturbation will help your sex life immensely. It will get your pecker "in good shape" and ready to make love.
If you don't do it, you will wither and dry up like a sponge...


(If my wife wanted me to stop masturbating, I would immediately turn the conversation to trying to find out why she thought she had the right to control my behavior in private. If she voiced her suspicious that I had secretly masturbated due to my low volume of ejaculate during sex, I would be so fast to tell her to get the fuck out of my private life
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when your wife becomes your bossy mother then of course its a turn off.

also who does she think she is controlling your body. what a nazi

i wouldn't stand for it loool
 
There's only one thing to do in situations like this..

while she's sleeping,stand over her while masturbating and when u climax wake her up by screaming "is this enough cum for u!"

then she will know u are in control now
 
Sex plays an important role in every relationship. Some women when they become a mother, sex doesn't have much importance in their life. But sex is something which maintains a perfect relationship.
 
Kinda sounds like OP is incredibly lazy. You can't get up bc your feet hurt? Plz you probably turned her into a nag. You think she wants to get up every night? Watching you sleep while she gets up with a baby every night w/out a break probably makes her resent you. When you behave like a selfish child you get treated like one. The bottom of your feet hurt so you cant get up with the baby ever! Do you hear youself? You sound like you have an awful lot of excuses to do nothing it surprising that she even wants to fuck you. Doesn't sound like you care about anyone's well being but your own. She probably doesn't want you whacking off bc she thinks if you stop then there will be something left for her.
 
My3sons said:
Kinda sounds like OP is incredibly lazy. You can't get up bc your feet hurt? Plz you probably turned her into a nag. You think she wants to get up every night? Watching you sleep while she gets up with a baby every night w/out a break probably makes her resent you. When you behave like a selfish child you get treated like one. The bottom of your feet hurt so you cant get up with the baby ever! Do you hear youself? You sound like you have an awful lot of excuses to do nothing it surprising that she even wants to fuck you. Doesn't sound like you care about anyone's well being but your own. She probably doesn't want you whacking off bc she thinks if you stop then there will be something left for her.
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Please, Ms., I can't even grow up to keep a normal man in my life. Do you even have any kids? Are you even employed? You sound awfully unstable and a unsure of yourself.

While I've taken in some of the members respectful replies and have considered reflecting on them to be better myself, this reply is so far out of left field I don't see how any guy could take you seriously. It doesn't surprise me by the type of guys you're attracted to. I've grown out of those phases your boys who want to act like men are still like. You want to know why my wife is always crazy to fuck me even though I put her off? Because I'm a god damn grow ass man. I juggle between my job, housework, taking care of my daughter and said good-bye to that rubbish past life those boys I grew up in are still doing (drugs, hookers, random fights with strangers etc.). You don't know a man when you see one. Real men don't have time for those things when you have to pay for the bills, your daughter needs her diaper changed. and the house yard still isn't done yet. Don't you dare lecture my ass if you don't know a single thing about a stranger. Ditto?
 
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