Ketamine After Effects

[ThomasD]

I recently tried Ketamine for the first time. What started out as a bit of fun, ended up becoming the most perfect, profound and peaceful experience of my life. The morning after, I felt amazing, like I knew so many things I never knew before. However, it has started to cause me severe problems. I'm struggling to cope with the new realities i'm having to face. After experiencing the total loss of ego, becoming just a pattern of thoughts in space and time, with no cares, no responsibilities, no opinions, no pain, no fear... and coming back to this. I feel like everything is meaningless after experiencing such perfection.

I now DESPISE the fact we, as a race, have egos. Everything feels so much better without one. I hate that we're such a defensive race. I can be such an arrogant, selfish person at times and not even realize it, but on K? I was nothing. Everything was bliss. I HATE how we're forced into this natural state of 'sobriety' - I understand it's survival, but why have we, as a race, developed such immense egos? I can't take it, please anybody in the same boat or has any advice would be extremely appreciated. I feel so lost, I don't even want to experience it again. But somehow, I want to experience it forever... because this 'normal' world and way of life we've become accustomed to is just so meaningless in comparison.

 

[Vastness]

Don't let yourself go too far down the rabbit hole. Everything is relative, as is our perspective on what is and isn't real, and the feelings you experienced in a K hole are at least as likely to be delusions as the continuous, waking, shared delusion that is human sobriety.

It doesn't make any sense to hate our natural sober state of mind, this is something that evolved over millions to billions of years depending how far back you want to track the self awareness of biological life forms, and for all our faults human beings have accomplished some incredible things with default egotistic flawed but special human sobriety as our base level of reality. Ketamine has only existed on Earth for an infinitesimally small moment in human history so it doesn't make sense to say that K-induced reality, as magical as it may feel, is any more "real" or right or worthy than default human sobriety.

Despising things and hating parts of who you are as a human being is not a good way to go, focus on good things and realise that drugs can introduce you to some strange ideas which are not necessarily any more real or closer to some cosmic objective truth than anything we might dream up without them. Rationality and reason are some of your greatest gifts as a sentient living entity, and it is not rational to be so critical of human sobriety.

Lay off the drugs for a while and if these feelings don't go away, seek counselling.

 

[ThomasD]

You're very right. It isn't necessarily the sober state of mind I hate. It's the extremely traumatic and negative things that have destroyed my life, and the fact that in a sober state of mind those thoughts are forced upon me but unable to be dealt with rationally, usually resulting in a psychotic episode. However on certain drugs, these thoughts are either less forced, completely removed, or still forced upon me, but I'm able to cope with these thoughts and deal with them. The lowering of the ego allows introspection and outrospection. I'm sure with a good life, sober would be just fine. It used to be. It didn't change due to drug use. Drug use started because severe depression and anxiety was already a serious issue in my life - something Cannabis has been a complete life saver for. I wouldn't be alive without it.

 

[56nights]

You're very right. It isn't necessarily the sober state of mind I hate. It's the extremely traumatic and negative things that have destroyed my life, and the fact that in a sober state of mind those thoughts are forced upon me but unable to be dealt with rationally, usually resulting in a psychotic episode. However on certain drugs, these thoughts are either less forced, completely removed, or still forced upon me, but I'm able to cope with these thoughts and deal with them. The lowering of the ego allows introspection and outrospection. I'm sure with a good life, sober would be just fine. It used to be. It didn't change due to drug use. Drug use started because severe depression and anxiety was already a serious issue in my life - something Cannabis has been a complete life saver for. I wouldn't be alive without it.

Agree with you man. Be careful with K it is powerful shit. Take it from a man with experience, I did so many psychs, so much mdma, so much ect ect, I am scared to do them anymore. As long as you feel you can explore with psychs safely, by all means man experience it. Life is useless without opening perception up to reality that others cannot see. I used psychs to the point where I can no longer experience benefits from their use so I have stopped. You must realize that the shit is hard on your mind, your ego, and you as a person.

I can honestly say psychedelics turned me into a self medicating hardcore drug addict, i learned way too much about the world and myself and soon tried to forget. I still undergo counseling and still am trying to recover from addiction. But the experiences taught me more than anything else in the world

 

[KneelB4Doom]

You despise having a sense of self (ego)? Its pretty fucking cool waking up everyday and looking in the mirror and acknowledging my existence, imo. Without a sense of self, you're basically a vegetable. Having an ego doesnt equate to being a horrible being. Having an ego gives you the CHOICE to be good to those around you or you can be shitty towards everybody.

Eh, id leave the K alone. Try LSD and and go out and experience this "normal, meaningless world". Take a deep breath of that amazing oxygen. Soak in those amazing rays from the sun. Drink some of that beautiful H
2O.

 

[George27]

Somehow, I want to experience it forever... because this 'normal' world and way of life we've become accustomed to is just so meaningless in comparison.

This is pretty close to a perfect description of the mindset of an addicted.
Addiction is this, the feeling you can not live without.

 

[ThomasD]

I've taken Ketamine once though. And that feeling went after a day. Weed though... I cannot live without that.

 

[ahint]

Sober isn't just one solid state - sober is feeling connected to others, disconnected to others, amused, content, unhappy, passionate, "flat", angry, etc. Sober has so many different flavours depending on what emotion is occupying your body at the time, what's going on in your life and relationships, what your goals are, etc. Finding meaning in life is a really individual journey, and it can be a struggle (I know it was for me), but you can get there. If you're miserable right now, that's giving you valuable information about what's wrong and what needs to change. There can be momentum in crisis, even if it's painful or takes a long time.

It's up to you to find out what your misery is telling you and where you can take it from here, but for me, I needed to start seeking connected social relationships, start living mindfully, appreciate the things I take for granted and work towards causes I felt would better the world.

 

[Xorkoth]

^^ Great post.

Often when people first have the experience of ego dissolution they start to think like you've conveyed in your original post. I did, myself, way back in the day... I felt like the ego was something to be supressed, something base and inferior.

However, the ego is simply your personality, the set of beliefs and viewpoints that separate you as an individual from everyone else. I did struggle with feelings of meaninglessness after my peak experience, but what I realized over time is that life has whatever meaning you give it. Yeah, we're absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. But that's freeing, and it makes it so much more amazing that we even exist, that it's like something to be us, that we can find beauty and love and meaning in the world. The ego is not something to be suppressed or hated, it is to be embraced as the miraculous thing it is. You should keep an eye on yourself... egotistical actions are bad. We use the word egotistical to mean something negative, so a lot of people seem to confuse the meaning of "ego".

In my life I have learned that I should embrace and love myself, love others deeply, and pursue the things that bring me passion (for me it's playing music mostly, and making art, and spending a lot of time in nature). I also had to get away from the culture I grew up in which was very materialistic, and find a place with people who want to live more like I want to live.

 

[ThomasD]

I 100% agree. It's just so hard with Anhedonia and Anxiety. I don't even feel 'passion' anymore. I've been a musician (pianist) for 8 years, and I can safely say i'm very good. I just can't feel rewarded anymore (maybe a dopamine problem???). Like, I feel no accomplishment from learning a piece, and I feel no pleasure from people enjoying my music and complimenting me. Same thing applies for everything that used to be my passion. The only thing I feel at all passionate about is pharmacology now. I should mention I also suffer from aspergers, pretty bad. For me personally, weed makes me entirely normal. I'll still get high of course, but my emotions become what I can only describe as 'perfectly smoothed out'. I can cope so much easier, without it blocking out my negative thoughts, which need to be experienced in life. However they never become sorted in my sober state of mind, as every negative thought is far too overwhelming. I also would love to get away from my current location, as it is family members that have caused these severe issues in my life. I'm just not in a place where I even have a say of whether or not I can leave, due to financial issues.

 

[KneelB4Doom]

I've taken Ketamine once though. And that feeling went after a day. Weed though... I cannot live without that.

Yes you can.. To live all you need to do is consume calories and water and do your best to not let a predator kill/eat you.

 

[ahint]

I 100% agree. It's just so hard with Anhedonia and Anxiety. I don't even feel 'passion' anymore. I've been a musician (pianist) for 8 years, and I can safely say i'm very good. I just can't feel rewarded anymore (maybe a dopamine problem???). Like, I feel no accomplishment from learning a piece, and I feel no pleasure from people enjoying my music and complimenting me. Same thing applies for everything that used to be my passion. The only thing I feel at all passionate about is pharmacology now. I should mention I also suffer from aspergers, pretty bad. For me personally, weed makes me entirely normal. I'll still get high of course, but my emotions become what I can only describe as 'perfectly smoothed out'. I can cope so much easier, without it blocking out my negative thoughts, which need to be experienced in life. However they never become sorted in my sober state of mind, as every negative thought is far too overwhelming. I also would love to get away from my current location, as it is family members that have caused these severe issues in my life. I'm just not in a place where I even have a say of whether or not I can leave, due to financial issues.

It sounds like you're understandably pretty miserable given your current situation, living with your family who bring you down (sounds like the ketamine experience is a catalyst here!). Is there anything you can start to do to be able to move out further down the line? And yeah, I can see why you'd be turning to weed to be able to live with negative thoughts - some things that help some people not be overwhelmed by negative thoughts is meditation, CBT (here's a good free site: https://moodgym.com.au/) or compassion focused therapy (https://compassionatemind.co.uk/individuals). I'm glad you have pharmacology.

 

[George27]

It's just so hard with Anhedonia and Anxiety. I don't even feel 'passion' anymore. The only thing I feel at all passionate about is pharmacology now.

I was there, I can pretty understand you
Beware that next step is addiction.
If you feel good with weed go with it, but you should avoid everything else.

 

[George27]

I can honestly say psychedelics turned me into a self medicating hardcore drug addict, i learned way too much about the world and myself and soon tried to forget.

'Humankind cannot bear very much reality' (T. S. Eliot)

Everyone has to be a bit delusional

 

[Foreigner]

Don't try to kill your ego, you'll need it some day.

This type of anti-ego thinking is a form of spiritual bypassing of your human level experience. You're alive, you're in a body, you have an ego. Just get over it and start facing the fact. The sooner you do, the sooner you can get on with what you're here to do.

Ketamine temporarily lifts you into the ether and gives you a taste of what it's like to not have to deal with a human body. But it's not real and you're meant to be here.

I spent years hating on my own human ego - which in its own way is an ego driven battle. Now that I am so ill that death is a very real possibility, I find myself appreciating my human life and all the things that are unique about me. One day I won't be here. Neither will you. In that temporariness maybe you can find some compassion for yourself.

The disdain for one's ego is usually a tell tale sign that some kind of disembodiment is happening. Maybe early trauma (childhood or infancy), early neglect of care. If you have trouble being here in this world then it could be a sign that something happened early on in life that made being here seem intolerable.