Just some thoughts...

[Everythings19]

Another novel from me, but if you struggle with addiction and pain it might help you open up.

It’s definitely strange to be able to talk about my issues with meds. I’ve held in and hidden everything from literally everyone left in my life. It’s freeing, that’s for damn sure. It’s difficult to process that I can actually say that yes, I do have a problem with addiction, ya know?

Years back a buddy of mine joined us for a house party. We’d been drinking and smokin for a few hours and feelin good. He’d laid 2 fat lines on the counter from a crushed up 80 oxy. I thought they were for me so I ran one way then ran the other. Stood up and that feeling hit, where like you took to much, I dunno how to describe it but you know it if you’ve done it.

Then proceeded to drink a liter of Jack, smoke, play poker and video games till the sun came up. Felt a little crappy the next day but it wasn’t anything major. Didn’t even think about the effects of what I put in my body could do to me. Just ignorantly enjoyed the night.

Seriously, sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. I mean it. I’ve had 10 years of pain and pills and time to think and all it’s done is take everything from me and changed who I am as a person. Has changed my wife’s life and that of my son and daughter.

When I was little, my Ma was really sick, had a lot of health problems and failed docs. What she went through influenced my development as a person. It was a really rough time but we did make it through. But it changed me. And now my children suffer the same fate. I had always sworn that my kids wouldn’t have to go through what I went through. Failed at that.

Vikes have always done it for me. I’d rather have that than anything else. Started with dirtbike accidents when I was about 15. Was given vikes, and I loved em. Ever since with Vikes I’ll always take what I get. They’re my sweet spot.

Blew out my shoulder in ‘03. Was partying and having a friendly brawl with pure-blood Irish boxer. I choked him out but dislocated my shoulder for the 5th time. Ends up I’d ripped all tendons holding the arm in. Surgery. Physical therapy. And yep, Vikes. That time period was the 1st time that I’d gone to snorting it. Averaged 30-40 vikes a day orally and inhaled for months while drinking heavily. Ended up with a good deal involving them so that introduced me to some big guys. That went on for months. Finally stopped Cold Turkey when one night I was so messed up. My arm was attached to my body by a harness and I couldn’t pick up my crying son. It broke me of Vikes that instance.

Didn’t touch a single illicit drug for 5 years. Have snorted a lot last few months with the meds I just finished wd with. A big “fuck you” to RLS. The pain has just been so bad lately and I’m fed up with it. Every damn day is the same thing- alotta pain, laying on the floor/couch/bed for an avg of 22 hours a day. I had to get relief or it was contemplating giving up. So I daily did about 300mg Morph equivalent and chased the pain with Opana and Morph up my nose along with Jack and smoke.

But now it’s gone. And I’m trying to get a new pain management doc. They’ll never provide me with narcotics again. Was booted from previous pain doc for failed urine tests for smoke. I understand that was my fault but it still reeeeeally sucks. When you hurt so bad you’ll take anything to avoid the pain. And now here I sit- no doc, no narcs, a completely blown spine. I’m scared of what’s gonna happen. I really am. The pain is coming roaring back.

So there’s some of my crap. Stuff I haven’t told anyone in detail like this. And it feels great to get it out. I’m processing it.

Anybody else?

 

[herbavore]

You are in a tough spot for sure. Have you ever tried any alternative therapies for your spine? I'm not a huge supporter of chiropractics because I think a lot of the practitioners are charlatans but I do believe that a good one can do wonders for chronic skeletal pain. Ask around for people's experiences where you live and see if going that route can give you any relief.

Chronic pain sufferers that also take their meds for the psychological lift are truly between a rock and a hard place. I give you lots of credit for your honest assessment of where you are and where you would like to be. Opiates can actually go far beyond not working due to increased tolerance--they can increase pain. https://www.spine-health.com/blog/how-pain-killers-sometimes-increase-chronic-pain

 

[Everythings19]

You are in a tough spot for sure. Have you ever tried any alternative therapies for your spine? I'm not a huge supporter of chiropractics because I think a lot of the practitioners are charlatans but I do believe that a good one can do wonders for chronic skeletal pain. Ask around for people's experiences where you live and see if going that route can give you any relief.

Chronic pain sufferers that also take their meds for the psychological lift are truly between a rock and a hard place. I give you lots of credit for your honest assessment of where you are and where you would like to be. Opiates can actually go far beyond not working due to increased tolerance--they can increase pain. https://www.spine-health.com/blog/how-pain-killers-sometimes-increase-chronic-pain

Years back, when the injury was still new, I did try a chiropractor that people I knew went to. He reached a point after a month where he said there was nothing more he could do for me. Was glad he was honest at least.

Since then I’ve tried massage therapy and acupuncture, along with seeing a pain psychologist. It seemed to help but back then that was all on Work Comps bill. Being on SS has limited my budget. Drastic pay cut compared to what I was making. Still, I’ve gotta try acupuncture and massage therapy again. Have been looking into counseling again. Maybe this time I’ll be honest about my med problems. I need to be.

That article- I'd actually read that same one a while back, that one and a couple others. Hoping it’s the damn truth. While the pain is coming back strong it’s not as bad as I expected. It’s still at a 7, but it’s not the 10 I had ON opiates.

I’m getting to the point where I wanna try getting some stuff done in the shop to see how my spine handles it. Scary thought. Even debating getting back in the shop is a huge thing. I’ve got pretty much everything but a lift (so far). Always been a gearhead. Always had project cars I built. Built motorcycles. Custom guns. Custom odd jobs. MIG/TIG/fab/CNC/auto repair/custom work. Always loved it. And would love to get back to it. I’ve had so many job offers while I’ve been down and it drives me nuts not working. Not being useful. Not contributing. I resent the fact that I’m on SS but I’m so grateful for it. That and I can’t wait to get off of it.

 

[falsifiedhypothesi]

I know how it feels to be driven insane by feeling useless. i don’t always like my job but i’m grateful for work that’s challenging, i am a mechanic at a car dealership.

I hope you find a doc, it’s so fucked up that they’d take you off the pain meds because you smoke a little weed. For fucks sakes marijuana is used to treat pain in some states. i’d think they’d be more understanding but i guess they’ll take any reason to yank someone’s legitimate pain medicine away in this opioid “epidemic.”

 

[gypsylee]

Hey, I don’t have anything to add but thanks for sharing your story.