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Advice Just need marriage advise.....

rufojones

rufojones

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 29, 2023
Messages
31
To give context , I have 2 kids with my ex . We live in the same town and have been separated for 6 years. Over the years we have been able to move into a co parenting relationship that is effective and peaceful. We are not like friends or anything but we function well together in order to parent the children. We text and communicate regarding the children and school.

I have a new wonderful wife whom I love dearly. We have a great relationship in general but there is a bit of a struggle. My new wife FUCKING HATES my ex!! Like irrationally so. It comes to a head almost weekly during kid exchanges. Its very out of her normal caring nature. I don't want to take sides but for the context of this post, Ill tell you guys right now, my ex doesn't really do anything to deserve her rage. I end up doing a lot of work to settle my wife down and keep the peace. I really don't know what to do, I love my wife but I feel like she wants me to start a war with my ex and I don't really understand why. I have never cheated on her or given her any reason to feel insecure in our relationship. She has had us meet with lawyers to make up written agreements and even the lawyer said if it isn't broken don't fix it / don't poke the bear.
That also made my wife mad. I love her and I want to do something to make her feel heard here but I don't think it is productive to start a fight with my ex. We had a really bad conversation about it last night that ended in her in tears. Im at a loss at to how to fix this situation. any advise is welcome, I know this isn't the normal subject matter here, I just thought someone might have an idea. Thanks all.
 
I'm not sure you're on the right forum.

Talk to her. A lot of marital problems inflate because the couple doesn't talk about it. It's that simple. Tell her what your priorities in life are and that she has to understand that you and your ex have kids together.

Have you tried therapy?

Or you need to expect the following answer asking that question here: Dude do molly together and all your problems will be solved!
 
Quite a common problem in situations like yours, think realistically though, before your new partner met you she knew nothing about your ex wife and I'm guessing you bonded in the beginning talking about how you didn't get on with your ex, she saw the struggles of trying to be amicable with her for the kids, I doubt you ever spent the days talking about how great your ex was before you broke up etc because obviously that would push your new partner away, so she's only ever seen her as a negative or the enemy.

Compound that with jealousy/possession over the kids and her intimate history with you, it's pretty common for the to be anger and stuff, perhaps draw some lines in the sand and explain that you don't want the aggression/arguments to affect the kids because she's not replacing their mum she's a seperate entity and she needs to respect that.

When my parents divorced they always kept new relationships seperate and downplayed because as much as you try to hide it the kids will know what's going whether they show it or not.
 
Wow, thanks all, thats great insight. I really appreciate that , especially from someone that went through it with your own parents.

I do think therapy is an option. I think it might freak her out a bit, as we are very happy together but I would rather go to therapy before its totally needed.

I think molly is a good idea as well, we do a lot of shrooms together but she is a bit of a novice when it comes to substances.......me not as much.
 
Hey there,

It’s not my place to poke my nose in, but I believe you should move on from this woman.

It will save you a lot of emotional angst in the future. Be safe.

Take care.
 
Tomer said:
Hey there,

It’s not my place to poke my nose in, but I believe you should move on from this woman.

It will save you a lot of emotional angst in the future. Be safe.

Take care.
Click to expand...
Hold it, aren't you the dude who pm me, Saturday 9:05 Eastern Standard Time, and warned about talking about medications, even though it was about me( who has a legitimate oxycodone script) talking to another person( who also has a legitimate oxycodone script)
And that he was thinking about switching back to dilauded. Two pain patients with legit scripts, actually having a similar problem. Nothing illegal.
I agree this is the wrong forum, but he is married to her. He loves her. This ain't teenage ex-girlfriend drama. From the sound of it, he doesn't want another divorce. Not to mention he says she is wonderful and he loves her dearly.
Lysosomalstorage: has the had the best advice so far.
 
Please keep our messages private.
I’m just trying to help.

Take care.
 
You are right, I am sorry. I just was upset that you said he should divorce his wife that he loves. I was wrong and am truly sorry
 
As you said, your ex doesn't deserve this shit. She is the mom of your kids and will be forever, any woman wanting to be your wife has to know, understand and fully accept that she will be present in your life.
You sound really in love with your wife, and that's fantastic, but sometimes we become too weak under that love. You need to get her to see that she is the one causing trouble here, no matter tears, no matter if you hurt her, cause she is already jeopardizing an important part of your life, she is not respecting your mature decision of having a positive relationship with your ex for the sake of parenting your kids. I mean, you shouldn't be shy when you tell her that enough is enough.
I honestly think that you never had to meet any lawyer cause she ordered you to do so, you should have made your points clear before; you didn't: just do it now.
Your wife can be a wonderful person as you said, no doubt, but she seems to be non rational about this regard. Just tell her that you need this shit to end, explain her that you can't be fearing her next episode of rage, be kind but strong and let her cry as much as she need or want, and when she finish crying and dramatizing just ask her: "what's stronger: your love for me or your obsession whit my ex?"
Love has rules, explain her that she must follow yours just like you follow hers.
Good luck
 
Does your new wife have any diagnosed personality disorder -? Because the things you mention like pathological jealousy and irrational emotions could point to that.

Another explanation could be previous bad experiences in relationships. Like has any previous partner betrayed her, left her to go back to an ex, or made her feel like she's in constant competition with every other woman? That would account for somebody being overly possessive and confrontational with anyone she knows you've been intimate with. Maybe that's a conversation you need to have.
 
Hey all I just wanted to check in and thank everyone for the advice.
I think that I do hold responsibility in this situation by not being direct enough. We had a small trip planned for my wives work so we had some time to chill and talk. I did bring some molly that defiantly helped the conversation. Long story short, she felt threatened by my relationship with my ex. My ex does have a well known past of infidelity, hence the reason we are no longer together. We had a really good conversation post roll and I was able to express to her that I heard her and there is no chance that I would ever hurt her in anyway. I think this is a big win for open communication. I was strong that I will not be combative with my ex but I will go to any length to make sure my wife is secure in our relationship . No one is "crazy" in this situation, there are just big feelings involved.

Pickup went well this week but time will tell. I am truly thankful for you guys talking with me about this, I know its the wrong forum but I have a hard time finding like minded people even on the vast internet. Thank you all .
 
mal3volent said:
BDD->SLR
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Good idea moving this to SLR. I hate to be an asshole: Oh who, am I kidding? Rufusjones, you left out the part of you ex's infidelities in the original post.
This well known history of infidelity, definitely explains the hate and rage.
Now the question is, were you faithful to your ex?
Then if you were, your loving and caring wonderful new wife is going to be pissed at her, and not all that irrationally so.
I am not a young man, and I know that a woman can hate another woman more than a man in many cases.
First off, I going to assume that you were basically the victim of your ex wife's infidelity and that it wasn't one of those; two can play that game scenarios.
Considering that you have two kids with your ex, their is definitely a hugh history there. Especially since you said new wife: Which to me means, that you and your ex are divorced.
Your ex has as you put it, has a history of infidelities. If your loving and caring new wife is well, the good girl type, then that explains alot.
Women like your current wife tend to despise women like your ex. A history of infidelity types as you sort of put it.
Women like your new wife, tend to regard other women like your ex, as man stealers and home wreckers. Which if your were a good and faithful husband; is basically not far off the mark.
If you were a good and faithful husband: Then considering you had two children with your ex, lived with her and probably made love too her, had sex with and fucked her,( There is a difference) anywhere from hundreds to thousands of times.
I don't know that given all the facts, that your new wife's hatred of your ex is, all that irrational; especially from her perspective. If your ex hurt you, cheated on you, and broke up the family: I would say, and there are probably at least some women who would agree, that your new loving, caring and wonderful new wife's anger toward your ex is not all that irrational.
With all that being said, I am very glad to hear that things were smoothed over quit a bit. I truly hope that for all the people involved, and by far that of your children, that for the sake of their emotional and psychological well being, that things at the very least, can be and remain civil. Best wishes and good luck.
,
 
Last edited:
rufojones said:
To give context , I have 2 kids with my ex . We live in the same town and have been separated for 6 years. Over the years we have been able to move into a co parenting relationship that is effective and peaceful. We are not like friends or anything but we function well together in order to parent the children. We text and communicate regarding the children and school.

I have a new wonderful wife whom I love dearly. We have a great relationship in general but there is a bit of a struggle. My new wife FUCKING HATES my ex!! Like irrationally so. It comes to a head almost weekly during kid exchanges. Its very out of her normal caring nature. I don't want to take sides but for the context of this post, Ill tell you guys right now, my ex doesn't really do anything to deserve her rage. I end up doing a lot of work to settle my wife down and keep the peace. I really don't know what to do, I love my wife but I feel like she wants me to start a war with my ex and I don't really understand why. I have never cheated on her or given her any reason to feel insecure in our relationship. She has had us meet with lawyers to make up written agreements and even the lawyer said if it isn't broken don't fix it / don't poke the bear.
That also made my wife mad. I love her and I want to do something to make her feel heard here but I don't think it is productive to start a fight with my ex. We had a really bad conversation about it last night that ended in her in tears. Im at a loss at to how to fix this situation. any advise is welcome, I know this isn't the normal subject matter here, I just thought someone might have an idea. Thanks all.
Click to expand...
She feels threatened by your normalized relationship with your ex-wife.

All women, regardless of what they tell you are terrified at the potential loss of their partner. They literally live in fear that it's going to happen.

She knows that people that have children with each other many times reconcile and I believe that she is of the belief that you might still harbor feelings for your ex-wife and that's why you have such an amicable relationship.

And that is one part of your life that she is completely separated from and can't actually enter. The relationship that you have with your ex-wife and children is a closed off space in your life that she has no ability to influence without likely alienating you at some level. And she understands that and it's driving her batty.

Because of women are afraid of something then they want to control it and she wants to control your relationship with your ex-wife and the fact that she can't is making her go nuts.

You have to figure out some way to reassure her that you have no intention of reconciling with your ex-wife, and also at the same time create some sort of going forward tradition that involves you, your new wife and your children so she doesn't feel left out.
 
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