I've fallen for a girl in an unhappy relationship

[adder]

Hey,

I don't normally post here in SLR as I'm not a good example of a person successful in relationships and I rarely want to share my personal problems. But this time it's different, I'm feeling all alone in what I've been going through for the last couple of weeks and I just need a fresh perspective and advice.

In March I started to work in an organic lab at the university as a volunteer. There is this girl there doing a doctorate and working for a grant. I've fallen in love with her madly. After some time I noticed that we were spending more and more time around each other, peeking at each other from distance, smiling meaningfully (you know when your face is so bright that you're saying more with your eyes than you could express in words), talking more and more about private stuff like our views on things like poor situation in the country, injustice all around, working all your life to have almost nothing sacrificing family life for career and unintentionally hurting people. I was slowly falling for her, I noticed how similar we are even though in many aspects we are like complete opposites, as if we were two halves of an orange. But I still didn't know whether she had someone or not. Last Wednesday we talked about the food we bring for lunch, I said I liked to make chops for the whole week and she said kind of in a sad way that she'd have to cook for two. I was confused as she earlier mentioned that she was living alone now because first-year students she rents the flat with went home for vacation. I didn't have courage to ask her who she lives with, but I realised she had a boyfriend. On numerous ocassions I'd actually heard her talk by phone with him but I never heard joy in her voice or saw that spark in her eyes that she has when we look at each other. She mentioned him very rarely in discussions with more people involved but never explicitly in a way that I would know he was her boyfriend. Anyway, I was then sure she had a boyfriend but suspected she wasn't happy with him any more. I went home on that day and I thought I'd go mad.

The funny thing is on the very same day she accepted me as a friend on FB (I sent her an invitation months ago and she neither accepted it nor refused to). I didn't see that until yesterday, so for the last two days of my work there I didn't make a move to get closer to her. Yesterday after I smashed up stuff at home, I finally saw her page and stuff she posted for friends only, songs with lyrics evidently showing she was unhappy, that the fire between them went out to a large extent, and she doesn't know what to do, waiting for him to do something to stop her from leaving. And then he posted a song saying to her that they had to go through hard moments. Those posts were from January/February but the tone of her later posts is the same. She lacks something and supposedly she saw a chance for a change in me. I finally realised that with all her actions she was trying to make me do something, she showed me her life to see what I'd do.

I don't know what to do now. I can't stop thinking about her for a second. The more I tried to forget, the more she came back to me in thoughts. I was in relationships, I did fall in love for many girls often going mad, but this time it's like completely different. I realised I'd fallen in love with her as a person who is just as imperfect as I am and that's what I love about her so much and simply can't let go, because I fear I may never have such a chance to make someone happy who will make me happy as well. It didn't happen suddenly, it's been building up for some time now both for her and me. I'm not supposed to go back working there until September or October, I've been planning to go abroad for two months to earn money for the following semester. And they went for a wedding together for the weekend, and I just can't leave it like that for two months. I'm well aware that the momentary feelings play a huge role in this situation and I don't want to let her feelings cool during this time. The only problem with all of this is that I started bachelor studies again after years of drug addiction and finally managing to win with it, I'm a 2nd-year student even though we're both 25. Her financial situation is not bad, but that's just that, she earns enough to pay the rent for the room she rents with her BF, have money for food and buy some stuff for herself from time to time. Her BF has a MSc in architecture and works in a large store selling stuff for house not earning much either, perhaps even less than her. And I've got nothing, I live with my mum and on top of that my grandma lives with us now because she suffers from dementia. I don't know if I can expect her to leave him for me and sacfrice some of her kind of comfortable life to have real love and not lose all of her youth in an unhappy relationship but perhaps struggle more with finances for a few years if she is with me. She's definitely not the kind of person who would sacrifice family for career but can she be ready to change her life so much after years of certain routine? I suspect he is her first real boyfriend as they've been in a relationship for years and they are from neighbouring villages. Perhaps nobody else throughout these years saw her as I did and she didn't have an option for a real change.

I mean I don't even know if I should do everything to reinforce her feelings now or do things slowly so she decides over time. I'm afraid in the second scenario it might go on for months if not longer and I'll certainly be seeing her almost every day for the next two years at least as I'm going to start writing my thesis soon. I don't want to accidentally become her friend, I also don't want to make things go the wrong way in which she might cheat on him and then regret that and pity him. But on the other hand is it reasonable to wait patiently until she leaves him and then to try getting intimate with her? I feel I have to go see her in the lab on Monday to ask her out for a coffee or at least non-verbally communicate that I'm here ready to love her right now no matter what if she only is ready too to try to make a decision, so even if I go abroad, she will remember. This may sound dramatic but I feel this may be a once-in-a-life-time chance for me, I don't really meet girls every day who I think are worth my emotions and the pain that I'm going through right now. She's like someone who I've always wanted to meet but fucked up my life at some point and didn't meet her earlier (we started studying chemistry in the same year at the same university only at different speacialties). So far I was living my life day to day not expecting anything at all any more, I was like ready to live or die. Now that I met her, I don't want to feel that way any more, it doesn't make sense if I can have a reason to live and work my ass so hard that I can barely get up in the morning only to see her and have my energy refilled in a second. That's how I've always been like, I just wanted to truly love a woman and have true love from her, I've failed to find much sense in everything else.

Hope you can help me in some way,
Cheers!

 

[Mysterie]

firstly, although this should be obvious to you, you are overthinking this a lot.

the thing about falling in love with someone through glances and small conversations is that you build up this fantasy of a relationship which doesn't really exist yet. you have this idea of who she is and perhaps idealise her to some extent. i don't think you can know the state of her relationship, and whether she is looking to date someone else.

i think when people become infatuated with someone else and have this 'need' to love or be loved by someone else, there is some kind of deficiency it is covering up. i dont think actual love is desperate or needy, to me love is something to be shared, but not something that we desire from someone else. love can be cultivated within yourself and then it is contagious and is easy to form connections with other people.

if i was in your position i would ask her if she wants to get lunch or have coffee/tea or something. get to know her better, i don't rlly believe in the 'friendzone', lots of strong relationships come from people who were friends and got to know eachother first. although i would caveat that with the thought that its probably best to be upfront with your feelings, rather than hide them.

it seems like a lot of people probably find themselves a bit tired of relationships after the initial honeymoon period is over and the grass can seem greener on the other side, or people simply prefer the security and safety of being in a relationship, not having to experience being alone.

only way to find out if she would in the future break up with him is to get closer to her, by talking to her, hanging out, getting to know her better.
its probably best to be honest with her about your feelings sooner rather than later imo.
i would keep it at the "i really like you and find you attractive, would like to get to know you better because i think you are really fascinating" lvl.
as opposed to "i am in love with you and think about you every moment" which could come off as creepy and obsessive to some girls.

everyone is just coming and going, nobody is around forever, so i wouldn't get too deeply attached to the idea of having a relationship with this girl (although it might happen, and it might not be what you expected either). sometimes having that instantaneous energetic connection with someone can be interpreted by us in a weird distorted way were we mistake understanding and friendly energy for romantic vibes. i think iv done that one before. not trying to plant seeds of doubt, but just don't put them all in one basket.

 

[adder]

Yes, I'm well aware of that I'm overthinking this a lot and obviously building some fantasy to it as in fact nothing really happened yet, but I somehow think it helps me keep going, otherwise I would have already given up not to risk serious damage that I experienced many times because of love-related stuff, it actually fears me way more than withdrawing from heroin again. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think, I'm happy and I'm sad, and I don't know where it leads and how long it's going to be there, yet I don't want to stop.

I regret that I didn't push it while I was still there as there was certainly enough room for that and now I have to show up with no reason which is going to be self-explanatory in itself, I guess. I never asked a girl in a relationship out, so it's kind of weird for me to ask her when I know there is someone and she now knows that I do know too. I don't want to come out as a person not respecting her relationship and past with him, I mean I wouldn't get involved in this to ruin her happiness if she was really happy and if she didn't give me a green light. And if I may say something for sure, she did give a green-light to ask her out to spend some time together at least. I guess if she didn't want that, she also wouldn't continue to let me be around her as much as she did or she wouldn't seek contact with me certainly knowing that I am attracted to her as I wasn't hiding it at all. I do realise I need to explicitly get closer to her to see what she is actually feeling, I suppose she may not be trying to find as much logic in it as I am, and that's where it all is happening, in the sphere of emotions. I know she might have just been extraordinarily friendly, but even if it was just that, I'd love to turn in into something much deeper.

I think people need to believe in good endings and even that their lives can be fairy tales at least for a moment and let themselves be carried away by emotions. That's what I feel now after all the hell I've been through much of which I definitely caused myself or didn't do anything to stop it. I need to be believe that I can have at least a short time in my life where nothing else matters but love shared as you wrote. I've been feeling lonely for a long time now and so depressed that I didn't even feel like doing anything to find someone, and I lost interest in all the stuff that people often find escape in like drugs, partying, and casual sex. I guess I've hit the time in my life where I need to mean something for someone. For me it is the need of love from someone.

Thank you a lot for your post, honestly speaking I guess I didn't expect to hear anything that I wouldn't know already but rather needed to tone myself down with someone else's perspective without subjective reasoning and simply do what I think is best to do right now no matter what the final outcome is as I've been going mad, it's not helping at all to calm down and certainly couldn't help to make her more interested.

 

[Mysterie]

yeh, i think ur heart is in the right place.

i just know from my own experience when i had huge expectations for a similar situation and then it just kept dragging on, and on, and on.. with no resolution for ages because of my shyness. it hurt me a lot. in my head i was practically married to her so it felt like i lost the love of my life or something. in reality we had hung out a handful of times, often weeks/months apart.

even if you choose to go with your emotions hopefully have some kind of closure, whichever way it ends up going, in the near-future, there is a lot to learn by doing that.

i wouldn't have changed anything i have done in the past, coming through the other side of intense feelings can really catalyse personal growth. i just worry that if you invest too much emotionally it is putting yourself in a bad position to relapse.. so long as there is some kind of support mechanism or practice you can do to channel that energy (art/music/writing/poetry/any creative pursuit, spiritual practices [meditation])

 

[adder]

I perfectly understand you, I'm a shy guy too. I never really approached girls that I met randomly, I usually break through my shyness when I like a girl a lot and I know I'd be killing myself for not doing anything, that's how it was with most of girls that I was with, I had to program myself not to give a damn about my shyness and how I will look like when I talk to her. That's how it is this time, my hands may be shaking but I don't give a damn about it, I just want to see her. Unfortunately, just like you I often invested everything emotionally with girls that I fell for and honestly that played a huge part in me getting addicted to opioids and benzodiazepines, it happened after my first big crush on a girl when I was 14, can you imagine... I'm still on buprenorphine but I'm tired of it and I want to quit it as soon as possible, I managed to quit methadone and benzodiazepines in a manner of one year and it basically changed everything in my life. It was hard during benzodiazepine W/D, that's when I began using self-hypnosis and meditation, and it literally opened my eyes. I know I can somehow get back to normal if nothing comes out of it even if it might be extremely painful. Even though I do have moments when I think "some heroin would perfectly do right now", but it passes and I'd change my mind before I'd manage to get a number to a dealer, I lost all my old contacts, I won't relapse. And honestly, I don't think it will be the end for me so easily even if she's hesitant to go for it now, I suppose anything might happen then, they might as well go separate ways in a few months and I will still be there working one floor away from her. Perhaps everything changes so much that she might be chasing me one day...

I am learning from experience but it's a slow process as I'm not a type who constantly dates girls. I stopped going to clubs and pubs long time ago, I didn't have fun at such places, they became too noisy at some point. I broke up with my last girlfriend ~2 years ago if I remember correctly and it lasted only a month and seemed serious for a week or two, and I wasn't in a relationship since then, I didn't want to, it seems like ages. I don't even know if it's good or bad with this girl now, she's so emotional and energetic at times but at the same time kind of down to earth wanting normal life with family and kids (just like I do) that I'm struggling between fast and slow action. I've just read your thread that you started two weeks ago or so, and well, I'm reading it everywhere that you need to be fast or the moment slips away for good. I've known that for a long time now, I actually asked my last GF out in a supermarket where she worked not knowing anything about her, but then 2 yrs later I'm doing things slowly again. I'm taking into account that I might have added more meaning to her actions than there was. But I can't forget that she seemed quite disappointed when I was leaving early yesterday and that we'd not see each other before September, it's killing me because I had a dilemma whether I should ask her if she wants me to drop her home (it's on my way home and I had a car), and I knew I did the wrong thing the minute I left the building, I didn't even hug her for good-bye. It's driving me mad and I just have to go there on Monday to see her as if I was nearby or even meant to come only to ask her out. Chances are she wanted that to happen on Friday to talk in private even if only to see if this is going somewhere, perhaps we wouldn't have spent much time together anyway as she was to go to a wedding today, but who knows, it could have been a good introduction to a proper meeting and now she's there somewhere with her BF on a goddamned wedding which may go different ways too... If I disappear from her life for over a month, everything may change. It's impossible she didn't already notice that I'm attracted to her but she can't be sure about it either, I guess. If she wants to go somewhere with me on Monday, it will mean a lot, she will know and I will feel more easy about asking her out again. At worst I will drop her home, but I won't give up easily.

 

[adder]

After going through episodes of extreme manic obsession and almost not giving a damn at all, I began thinking more reasonably and wondering how it would actually look like if I just showed up in the lab on Monday. Well, the fact that I worked there as a volunteer for a few months doesn't really change the fact that it's her place of work where she earns money and her performance is regularly reviewed by a PhD who also supervises my work there. I can't even know if he is there when I drop by, so it might come off as both generally inappropriate and quite uncomfortable for her if she does have some feelings for me. So I'd rather have her a bit confused about everything right now and wait than give her hints so she can figure it out too soon and rationalise. After all we didn't meet in a club and whatever there is between us at the moment, it's a result of seeing each other in the same workspace stretched in time, I was carefully observing how she reacted to stuff that I reveal about myself in bits, and I guess the more she knew about me, the more she seemed interested perhaps seeing differences between her BF and me. Speeding up the pace doesn't seem like a good idea. And if her relationship after at least 5 years (or even much more, that's hell of a lot of time) isn't what she used to imagine it to be, then I don't think one month can suddenly push it in the right direction. What do you guys think? I really don't want to f*** this up by acting stupidly.

 

[herbavore]

Can you ask her out for coffee or some other thing that could be just something that two people do that like spending time together. Send her a message that says that you miss spending time together now that you no longer work there and are wondering if she is up to keeping up the friendship. At some point if you both continue feeling the way you do, you will have to be brave and put words to that.

Maybe you are the nudge she needed to get out of a relationship that is dragging on past its time. But by spending time together outside of work in a way that any friends spend time together you will at least be able to see if she wants to make a change. If she doesn't, as heartbreaking as that will be for you, you can then focus on moving on so that you are not endangering the relationship with the bf that truly wants to keep. It does sound to me, though, that she is wanting a change and too afraid to act on that desire (perhaps out of real concern for her current long-term boyfriend). But staying in a relationship because you don't want to hurt your partner never actually avoids hurting your partner--in fact it usually does more damage because it erodes trust in general aside from the already broken heart.

 

[adder]

Yes, I am decided to push it outside of the workspace. The thing is I don't want to show up in the lab completely unexpected, and I don't have her phone number, I could only contact her via FB. I didn't stop working there for good, I'm having a break because the PhD supposedly went for vacation but might as well show up in the lab at random times. That's why I realised going there tomorrow with no excuse at all is not a good idea at all. When I come back in September, I will have plenty of time to catch a moment where I can talk to her in private and ask her out, and I will be seeing her there for years anyway. Besides I do need to cool down, right now I'm basically driven by adrenaline, I can't eat and I can't sleep for a couple of days now, this has to stop or I won't be able to fully control myself. I guess I've finally started to have it more under control. She's not going back home for holidays until 2 weeks from now, so I might as well contact her via FB if that's not too impersonal and not leaving her too much time to think, I somehow don't like talking to people when I can't see them unless I really have to or it's something insignificant. Her BF is not coming with her on holidays so it's not like they're going to spend some great time together anyway. And now that I think about it, I doubt small things could change their relationship for better if there is so much stuff that she doesn't like about him, he seems to be quite lazy, not wanting to do flat chores, cook dinner etc. etc., she talked about such stuff many times. When I grow a bit stronger to be around her, it can only work for my benefit, I guess. She's known him for years and as for me she's just started uncovering me.

I don't know, but suddenly I'm feeling so weirdly positive that I might have just gone manic from depressed. I ate almost nothing for the last 2 days and last night or actually this morning I got some sleep after one small hit of weed, other than that I can sleep one hour at most and I'm awake again. I feel as if I took the best speed ever in my life and it lasts, and lasts.

Perhaps I should make hay while the sun shines instead of giving it some time for now. The thing is she might receive my message on FB days after I send it, there's so much work to do in the lab and even at home she's writing an article now so that she has very little time for anything else. Though it's ridiculous I can't even text her.