BeenHappyBeenSick08
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2020
- Messages
- 4
I'd like to start off by thanking the moderators and community for all the information over the years and I hope this post is in the correct section, if not apologies in advance. Below is my story with opiates and addiction. Admittedly much is left out but it is already too long. It has been the biggest learning experience of my life and is filled with untold amounts of pain and possibly even a little regret.
Also, after completing this I realized I spoke a lot about my dosages and the money I spend. This is only to impress the full gravity of my situation with the reader and I hope it is not met with disapproval. Anything anyone has to say that may be able to help me quit using opiates is unbelievably appreciated as I have proven to myself I can not do this alone. I love everyone dealing with this in their own way and hope you are stronger and more successful than I have been if you ever feel the want, need, or inclination to quit. Forgive my many typos ❤
A little bit about me and my history with opiates
I am 30 years old, 6' 185lbs, and I have been using recreationally for 10 years. I have been able to stop with help twice by choice for 9 months each time and once by 6 months forced into a terrible faith based recovery/work camp that was not dissimilar to jail and it did nothing towards any real help. In my opinion or maybe just for my personal case unforetunately faith alone is not nearly enough. I began using in 2009, my first real sobriety by choice in 2015 at the verge of killing myself (fyi 30 xanax bars is only enough for you to wake up 4 days later wondering what happened to your xanax and why someone has destroyed your house looking for something) and my second in 2016, so for that 2.5 years I was actually sober more than I was using which was great.
I actually used hydrocodone rarely as a young teen around 13 years old and loved it but had little to no access or understanding of what it was. When i turned 19 though i came home after being gone for a year working and everyone had discovered opiates while i was gone. My grandmother had always had many many unused prescriptions so when opportunity presented itself i was able to obtain 8 10/325 hydrocodone and 1 10mg oxycodone.
I swallowed the 8 hydro and about 5 minutes later I snorted the full 10mg oxycodone. (I realize most people's first dose is normally around 20mgs and I believe starting off at the dose I did with no tolerance is one reason why my addiction is so strong, reaching that level of ecstasy is something that no matter what you do will never be achieved again if you use on a daily basis.) At the 20-30 minute mark I had reached a level of euphoria that many people will never experience and that I could not even come close to replicating today even with a large shot of H, Dilaudid or a Fentanyl patch. Needless to say I sat there in my dream world telling myself I wanted to feel this way endlessly, I had unknowingly been searching for this feeling my entire life.
After this I began using as often as possible which started at 3-4 days a week paying $20 for 5 10mg hydrocodone. When everything would line up I would get 25 hydrocodone for $100 and take 20 or so at once. Then roxycodone became available, $12 for a 30mg pill. Even at this time I felt like it was a very good deal. My dosage now was 90mg if I was low on cash or supply, 120mg average, and 180mg when possible with certain times exceeding 210mg. At this time I had been using for roughly a year with no break more than a few days and while I was using every day I always waited at 24 hours between dosing.
Over the next year or two I discovered Opana, Dilaudid, Fentanyl, and Heroin which (H) I have only used intravenously. I remember someone else giving ne my first shot of H and being so disappointed because it wasn't anything too special because of my tolerance. This was tar in TX and im sure I was getting ripped off but still, I realized now that my problem was probably quite serious.
Around 2010-2011 my father found a lot of pills st my house and sent me away to a faith based rehab for 6 months, I took 8 10/325 percocet my mother had left on the kitchen counter the day after I got out. I woke up in the morning alone in the house with nothing but ne and a bottle of 120 percs and knew full well no one would ever realize a few had went missing, so I was back on the train again. I kept up the charade for about 6 months but one day i managed to be the right level of intoxicated in a job interview and actually landed a good job i was excited about. I continued using pill in the beginning but now I couldn't afford to miss a day ever, I'd be completely useless. So...I discovered Suboxone....
Suboxone not only allowed me the peace of mind knowing I would be able to completely eliminate the possibility of withdrawal but allowed me to actually save money! I started with 8mg suboxone 3x a day and worked my way down to 8mg where I stayed for 2 years give or take. 24mg a day was wayyyy to high to start anyways but my insurance covered it and the doctor seemed to be happy to give me as much as possible.
During this entire story there are a few constants...I want to get high and I want to quit. So over the last 6 months I cut my dose from 8mg a day to 6mg, 4mg, 2mg, 1mg, then tried to do .5mg but i recall cheating. I thought at this point i had it beat. Unfortunately during the last week of my 6 month taper that had went slowly from 8mg to .5mg everyday i lost my job. Also because i had not been using opiates i had no good connection. After being fired I became very depressed and believe it or not sul suffered withdrawal symptoms for 2 weeks. Things were bad at this point. I was so depressed and out of money, I actually spent about 2 weeks smoking crack when I cashed out the 5k in my 401k. When I went to visit my mom she could tell I was deep into a struggle with depression and definitely suicidal for the first time in my life. She convinced me to go to rehab and a new journey began.
I did 7 days detox, 21 days inpatient treatment, approximately 6 weeks outpatient going several hours a day 5 days a week, and then 8 weeks of out patient going 2-3 hours a day 4 days a week. All of this while living in a sober living home. All this was made possible because I received unemployment and my wonderful mother had kept ne on her insurance, thank God. I was 25 though (the last year you are able to be on a parent's insurance) so this was my last shot at going to such a nice place and doing things with such a high level of support. My family was so happy and so was I. I had friends for the first time in years. But... while in the sober home about a month after starting my first real job as a soccer person...I relapsed and threw away everything I had worked for and been given. I was caught immediately and kicked out of my sober house, soon it was back to the races except this time it could not vre easily hidden like in years past. My gf broke up with me immediately and all my friends I met in sobriety were gone, and rightfully so.
This went on for about 6 months until I asked the singer home to come back. I had been kicked out of my dad's house and was totally broke. Beyond that I had been using IV heroin and suboxone, mostly with a 22 gauge testosterone needle so I had missed a few times. Things were bad. But I laid in bed for a week in a room with 4 other men only getting up to sit on the toilet for a few hours every day and to go to a 12:00 pm AA meeting. It was terrible but I wanted to get better. During the next 6 months I stayed clean and started a new career in the oil field.
However again I met a girl who was beyond beautiful but was also beyond bad news and she was using, mostly xanax and alcohol. I remember looking at her thinking "okay it's time to ruin my life again." At this point I was physically very strong and I felt great but all that would change soon. I got a new job send left town to get where I couldn't get any type of drugs. I left with $1000 with of Roxy's and they didn't last long. A day after I ran out I got in a terrible wreck, lost my vehicle, quit the job, and laid in a hotel room with nothing going through withdrawal.
I made it through the worst part but the craving was bad. I didn't quit this time because I wanted to but because I couldn't get anything. However after about 2 weeks I had a job interview and a car I purchased for $700 and decided to go into the only smoker spot within 100 miles. It was open 24/7 and always packed, this is where I discovered Kratom. O.P.M.S. gold Kratom extract and was immediately spending $100/day on it. It was much cheaper than oxy but still, I was back on the train again with no availability issues.
I spent a year doing this until I got tired of being broke and went online and started to order Kratom by the Kilo. I was now able to get high all day, every day, for roughly $30 a week. My problem was all but solved. For the first time in my life I bought a nice vehicle which I paid $1000 a month on in order to pay it off more quickly and I had $10,000 in my savings account which I saved in less than 6 months. From the outside things looked great. I worked 80 hours a week until I found thr opportunity to work in Alaska. In between this time I had got back on the OPMS and lost most of my 10k but in Alaska I returned to my preferred powdered Kratom for $30 a week and returned my savings account to its former amount. I felt like things were going good but I knew the monkey was still on my back. I always had ti hide my kratom use and because of my time in rehab/treatment, AA/NA, and sober living houses I knew what I was doing was wrong but I couldn't stop. 10 grams ok f Kratom is considered a high dose and it is about the highest you hear of but I was using 30+ grams at a time 2-3 times a day still it was cheap so not a big problem. After Alaska I got a very high paying 5 week job in Wyoming and upon completion my savings account had north of $20,000. I was very proud but something happened...the Kratom was making me sick. My kidneys hurt so bad and it would burn when I'd urinate, I got scared. I tried to quit, fuck I kept trying. However when I got home I was introduced to a new type of keratin extract. It felt exactly like abby strong opiate. They told ne not to take more than 2 capsules and that 1 had made many people puke... so I started with 4. These capsules were $10 a piece and very good I was up to 30 capsules a day. ($300/day) I knew what a huge problem this was but I couldn't use my huge dosages of regular powdered Kratom anymore, it was literally killing me. At this time I began working in town at a job making less money. After work as always i go straight to get my super powered capsules as they are the only thing that did the trick. I was informed that the one and only manufacturer had pulled absolutely everything from every location. As 2-3 months had passed my body had recovered a little from the massive disses of powdered kratom I had been taking and tried to go back to it but my tolerance was so high nothing would work and I was again broke.
I called my old dealer and spent $180 on 180mg of oxycodone. I chewed them up immediately and while I did not very high it did eliminate the withdrawal. For the past 2 months I have taken on $7,000 with of high interest debt and regularly take 300mg oxycodone at once without feeling much more than a little relaxation. I had to quit the job because I always felt like shit. I have 2 Roxy's and 10 norcos left and I have to quit. Im going to give my moon my wallet and try to live on ramen noodles for a week. I doubt know why I've chosen to tell my whole story here. I feel like I may be breaking a rule or guidelines by taking so much about my dosage and pricing. I'm sorry, I just felt it important for any readers ro realize how serious my habit is. My liver and kidneys hurt constantly. If I do not quit I am sure I will have major health problems very soon. It is impossible to obtain the feeling I want and desire and it has been for many years it doesn't matter what type or amount of opiate. I have to quit. I think I am writing this to begin a pattern of honesty and to help hold myself accountable. I don't expect anyone to read this but if you do Good bless you. I need help. I don't want to die or lose an organ, I don't want to be financially ruined. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night sick anymore. I wasn't too stop. I wish I could forget that first time I met the devil...
Thank you everyone.
Also, after completing this I realized I spoke a lot about my dosages and the money I spend. This is only to impress the full gravity of my situation with the reader and I hope it is not met with disapproval. Anything anyone has to say that may be able to help me quit using opiates is unbelievably appreciated as I have proven to myself I can not do this alone. I love everyone dealing with this in their own way and hope you are stronger and more successful than I have been if you ever feel the want, need, or inclination to quit. Forgive my many typos ❤
A little bit about me and my history with opiates
I am 30 years old, 6' 185lbs, and I have been using recreationally for 10 years. I have been able to stop with help twice by choice for 9 months each time and once by 6 months forced into a terrible faith based recovery/work camp that was not dissimilar to jail and it did nothing towards any real help. In my opinion or maybe just for my personal case unforetunately faith alone is not nearly enough. I began using in 2009, my first real sobriety by choice in 2015 at the verge of killing myself (fyi 30 xanax bars is only enough for you to wake up 4 days later wondering what happened to your xanax and why someone has destroyed your house looking for something) and my second in 2016, so for that 2.5 years I was actually sober more than I was using which was great.
I actually used hydrocodone rarely as a young teen around 13 years old and loved it but had little to no access or understanding of what it was. When i turned 19 though i came home after being gone for a year working and everyone had discovered opiates while i was gone. My grandmother had always had many many unused prescriptions so when opportunity presented itself i was able to obtain 8 10/325 hydrocodone and 1 10mg oxycodone.
I swallowed the 8 hydro and about 5 minutes later I snorted the full 10mg oxycodone. (I realize most people's first dose is normally around 20mgs and I believe starting off at the dose I did with no tolerance is one reason why my addiction is so strong, reaching that level of ecstasy is something that no matter what you do will never be achieved again if you use on a daily basis.) At the 20-30 minute mark I had reached a level of euphoria that many people will never experience and that I could not even come close to replicating today even with a large shot of H, Dilaudid or a Fentanyl patch. Needless to say I sat there in my dream world telling myself I wanted to feel this way endlessly, I had unknowingly been searching for this feeling my entire life.
After this I began using as often as possible which started at 3-4 days a week paying $20 for 5 10mg hydrocodone. When everything would line up I would get 25 hydrocodone for $100 and take 20 or so at once. Then roxycodone became available, $12 for a 30mg pill. Even at this time I felt like it was a very good deal. My dosage now was 90mg if I was low on cash or supply, 120mg average, and 180mg when possible with certain times exceeding 210mg. At this time I had been using for roughly a year with no break more than a few days and while I was using every day I always waited at 24 hours between dosing.
Over the next year or two I discovered Opana, Dilaudid, Fentanyl, and Heroin which (H) I have only used intravenously. I remember someone else giving ne my first shot of H and being so disappointed because it wasn't anything too special because of my tolerance. This was tar in TX and im sure I was getting ripped off but still, I realized now that my problem was probably quite serious.
Around 2010-2011 my father found a lot of pills st my house and sent me away to a faith based rehab for 6 months, I took 8 10/325 percocet my mother had left on the kitchen counter the day after I got out. I woke up in the morning alone in the house with nothing but ne and a bottle of 120 percs and knew full well no one would ever realize a few had went missing, so I was back on the train again. I kept up the charade for about 6 months but one day i managed to be the right level of intoxicated in a job interview and actually landed a good job i was excited about. I continued using pill in the beginning but now I couldn't afford to miss a day ever, I'd be completely useless. So...I discovered Suboxone....
Suboxone not only allowed me the peace of mind knowing I would be able to completely eliminate the possibility of withdrawal but allowed me to actually save money! I started with 8mg suboxone 3x a day and worked my way down to 8mg where I stayed for 2 years give or take. 24mg a day was wayyyy to high to start anyways but my insurance covered it and the doctor seemed to be happy to give me as much as possible.
During this entire story there are a few constants...I want to get high and I want to quit. So over the last 6 months I cut my dose from 8mg a day to 6mg, 4mg, 2mg, 1mg, then tried to do .5mg but i recall cheating. I thought at this point i had it beat. Unfortunately during the last week of my 6 month taper that had went slowly from 8mg to .5mg everyday i lost my job. Also because i had not been using opiates i had no good connection. After being fired I became very depressed and believe it or not sul suffered withdrawal symptoms for 2 weeks. Things were bad at this point. I was so depressed and out of money, I actually spent about 2 weeks smoking crack when I cashed out the 5k in my 401k. When I went to visit my mom she could tell I was deep into a struggle with depression and definitely suicidal for the first time in my life. She convinced me to go to rehab and a new journey began.
I did 7 days detox, 21 days inpatient treatment, approximately 6 weeks outpatient going several hours a day 5 days a week, and then 8 weeks of out patient going 2-3 hours a day 4 days a week. All of this while living in a sober living home. All this was made possible because I received unemployment and my wonderful mother had kept ne on her insurance, thank God. I was 25 though (the last year you are able to be on a parent's insurance) so this was my last shot at going to such a nice place and doing things with such a high level of support. My family was so happy and so was I. I had friends for the first time in years. But... while in the sober home about a month after starting my first real job as a soccer person...I relapsed and threw away everything I had worked for and been given. I was caught immediately and kicked out of my sober house, soon it was back to the races except this time it could not vre easily hidden like in years past. My gf broke up with me immediately and all my friends I met in sobriety were gone, and rightfully so.
This went on for about 6 months until I asked the singer home to come back. I had been kicked out of my dad's house and was totally broke. Beyond that I had been using IV heroin and suboxone, mostly with a 22 gauge testosterone needle so I had missed a few times. Things were bad. But I laid in bed for a week in a room with 4 other men only getting up to sit on the toilet for a few hours every day and to go to a 12:00 pm AA meeting. It was terrible but I wanted to get better. During the next 6 months I stayed clean and started a new career in the oil field.
However again I met a girl who was beyond beautiful but was also beyond bad news and she was using, mostly xanax and alcohol. I remember looking at her thinking "okay it's time to ruin my life again." At this point I was physically very strong and I felt great but all that would change soon. I got a new job send left town to get where I couldn't get any type of drugs. I left with $1000 with of Roxy's and they didn't last long. A day after I ran out I got in a terrible wreck, lost my vehicle, quit the job, and laid in a hotel room with nothing going through withdrawal.
I made it through the worst part but the craving was bad. I didn't quit this time because I wanted to but because I couldn't get anything. However after about 2 weeks I had a job interview and a car I purchased for $700 and decided to go into the only smoker spot within 100 miles. It was open 24/7 and always packed, this is where I discovered Kratom. O.P.M.S. gold Kratom extract and was immediately spending $100/day on it. It was much cheaper than oxy but still, I was back on the train again with no availability issues.
I spent a year doing this until I got tired of being broke and went online and started to order Kratom by the Kilo. I was now able to get high all day, every day, for roughly $30 a week. My problem was all but solved. For the first time in my life I bought a nice vehicle which I paid $1000 a month on in order to pay it off more quickly and I had $10,000 in my savings account which I saved in less than 6 months. From the outside things looked great. I worked 80 hours a week until I found thr opportunity to work in Alaska. In between this time I had got back on the OPMS and lost most of my 10k but in Alaska I returned to my preferred powdered Kratom for $30 a week and returned my savings account to its former amount. I felt like things were going good but I knew the monkey was still on my back. I always had ti hide my kratom use and because of my time in rehab/treatment, AA/NA, and sober living houses I knew what I was doing was wrong but I couldn't stop. 10 grams ok f Kratom is considered a high dose and it is about the highest you hear of but I was using 30+ grams at a time 2-3 times a day still it was cheap so not a big problem. After Alaska I got a very high paying 5 week job in Wyoming and upon completion my savings account had north of $20,000. I was very proud but something happened...the Kratom was making me sick. My kidneys hurt so bad and it would burn when I'd urinate, I got scared. I tried to quit, fuck I kept trying. However when I got home I was introduced to a new type of keratin extract. It felt exactly like abby strong opiate. They told ne not to take more than 2 capsules and that 1 had made many people puke... so I started with 4. These capsules were $10 a piece and very good I was up to 30 capsules a day. ($300/day) I knew what a huge problem this was but I couldn't use my huge dosages of regular powdered Kratom anymore, it was literally killing me. At this time I began working in town at a job making less money. After work as always i go straight to get my super powered capsules as they are the only thing that did the trick. I was informed that the one and only manufacturer had pulled absolutely everything from every location. As 2-3 months had passed my body had recovered a little from the massive disses of powdered kratom I had been taking and tried to go back to it but my tolerance was so high nothing would work and I was again broke.
I called my old dealer and spent $180 on 180mg of oxycodone. I chewed them up immediately and while I did not very high it did eliminate the withdrawal. For the past 2 months I have taken on $7,000 with of high interest debt and regularly take 300mg oxycodone at once without feeling much more than a little relaxation. I had to quit the job because I always felt like shit. I have 2 Roxy's and 10 norcos left and I have to quit. Im going to give my moon my wallet and try to live on ramen noodles for a week. I doubt know why I've chosen to tell my whole story here. I feel like I may be breaking a rule or guidelines by taking so much about my dosage and pricing. I'm sorry, I just felt it important for any readers ro realize how serious my habit is. My liver and kidneys hurt constantly. If I do not quit I am sure I will have major health problems very soon. It is impossible to obtain the feeling I want and desire and it has been for many years it doesn't matter what type or amount of opiate. I have to quit. I think I am writing this to begin a pattern of honesty and to help hold myself accountable. I don't expect anyone to read this but if you do Good bless you. I need help. I don't want to die or lose an organ, I don't want to be financially ruined. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night sick anymore. I wasn't too stop. I wish I could forget that first time I met the devil...
Thank you everyone.
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