It never ends.....

[Rainman1964]

The world will have its way with everyone eventually. It has been having its way with me.

I was always able to brush it off with a smile...but it got harder. I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of constantly picking myself up over and over again and pasting that smile on my face...taking every defeat, every failure...as another opportunity...another learning experience.

How many can on person endure.

I miss my stupid, miserable, selfish and self-hating husband. For 28 years now, he is my single most significant source for going where I share his love of lowering his self-esteem...for never achieving anything...for being his punching bag (emotionally) for blame because that is what I have always been to and for him --- the reason for his misery.

He has left again...I am 58 now....the first time I was in my mid 30s....I was more emotional, but I bounced back. But now, I see now future but lonliness, sadness and inadequacy. I have no skills that are up to my younger days in my profession and it is clear to me now that I will die alone and on the street probably. I went to college too late in life....I chose a profession I hate, but make great money....I cannot bear it anymore. I want to quit grad school...and the profession, and doing something like just answer phones at a dog shelter.

Somehow, I know in the back of my mind, I will be able to fuck that up, since the only thing, the ONE thing I can say I am accomplished at now...the one thing that I am skilled at, that I have the physical and brains for and I cannot get fired from is that I give the best blow job to semi-hard old farts who don't care what you can do, what you have done or anything else for that matter.

There is that one part of my brain I just can't seem to fry. Mom had Alzheimer's. I smoke like a chimney, have taken on speed, smoking as much as I can now and I'm letting it all get to me. I'm gaining weight and with any luck, mother nature and genetics will have their way with me before I get to the cardboard box.

At this point, I honestly don't care. I just want to be left alone and not be spoken to by anyone in my life -- the guy I live with who wants the BJs and can get me all the cigarettes and drugs I want, my separated ball and chain who makes six figures with a high school education, barely graduating and has no ambition, bitches and is missing work all of the time, having jobs handed to him by friends who want him to always be around to crack his dirty jokes, my stupidity for letting my life be affected by the loser husband by giving what he always wanted and tried to always reason with him -- my siblings who make me wish I was an only child and it is that way anyway in my heart and mind -- and just anyone who can open my locked office door at home right now.

My bra is uncomfortable and I'm feeling sorry for myself again. Oh well. Someday I will look back on this day and maybe this time, I will either go bowling or plow into a parked car.

I can't kill myself. I might miss something really interesting. But I may have to take up fan dancing with gravy-suckers or playing bingo with demented women in their 80s who think I'm one of their offspring's spawn.

The chances of any of these plus more, are endless.

I went to two funerals within a two week period of time this past month. I looked fabulous both times, had great clothing at one where I had to travel to Reno, had a low-cost one star dump give my room away and I had to drive to the next town (thank god I knew the area cause of some fucking thing in town) and it was 3 a.m., so I gave in trying to be frugal which is not me (a curse) and called Hilton Honors where I am a Silver Tier member and was given a room instantly and was back in my type of digs.

It was amazing how the universe if so thoughtful. So in my really serious effort to not go my regular big spending route even for a weekend trip with rental carl and all, I was found out by the powers that be and it corrected itself.

So, what I started this event to cost only about $400 tops for rental car with gas and room and food and all that jazz...it took me weeks and hours to formulatate, I was forced to go back to what I know best and guaranteed -- For a place to stay, in entire weekend from 5 a.m., Saturday morning, furneral from 1 to 6 and then high cost dinner until 2ish, then last minuste $100 buffet for two I had to visit but we only ate desserts and wasted time and then the $100 Cal Bear swearshirts to boyfirend he won't.

The beer and my muscle relaxant kicked in and I'm deflated since I usedd you guys for free therapy or venting however you look at it, is meaningless...ok.

 

[Robi]

not meaningless to me, inspiring in many ways, ty

 

[n3ophy7e]

The world will have its way with everyone eventually. It has been having its way with me.

I was always able to brush it off with a smile...but it got harder. I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of constantly picking myself up over and over again and pasting that smile on my face...taking every defeat, every failure...as another opportunity...another learning experience.

How many can on person endure.

I miss my stupid, miserable, selfish and self-hating husband. For 28 years now, he is my single most significant source for going where I share his love of lowering his self-esteem...for never achieving anything...for being his punching bag (emotionally) for blame because that is what I have always been to and for him --- the reason for his misery.

He has left again...I am 58 now....the first time I was in my mid 30s....I was more emotional, but I bounced back. But now, I see now future but lonliness, sadness and inadequacy. I have no skills that are up to my younger days in my profession and it is clear to me now that I will die alone and on the street probably. I went to college too late in life....I chose a profession I hate, but make great money....I cannot bear it anymore. I want to quit grad school...and the profession, and doing something like just answer phones at a dog shelter.

Somehow, I know in the back of my mind, I will be able to fuck that up, since the only thing, the ONE thing I can say I am accomplished at now...the one thing that I am skilled at, that I have the physical and brains for and I cannot get fired from is that I give the best blow job to semi-hard old farts who don't care what you can do, what you have done or anything else for that matter.

There is that one part of my brain I just can't seem to fry. Mom had Alzheimer's. I smoke like a chimney, have taken on speed, smoking as much as I can now and I'm letting it all get to me. I'm gaining weight and with any luck, mother nature and genetics will have their way with me before I get to the cardboard box.

At this point, I honestly don't care. I just want to be left alone and not be spoken to by anyone in my life -- the guy I live with who wants the BJs and can get me all the cigarettes and drugs I want, my separated ball and chain who makes six figures with a high school education, barely graduating and has no ambition, bitches and is missing work all of the time, having jobs handed to him by friends who want him to always be around to crack his dirty jokes, my stupidity for letting my life be affected by the loser husband by giving what he always wanted and tried to always reason with him -- my siblings who make me wish I was an only child and it is that way anyway in my heart and mind -- and just anyone who can open my locked office door at home right now.

My bra is uncomfortable and I'm feeling sorry for myself again. Oh well. Someday I will look back on this day and maybe this time, I will either go bowling or plow into a parked car.

I can't kill myself. I might miss something really interesting. But I may have to take up fan dancing with gravy-suckers or playing bingo with demented women in their 80s who think I'm one of their offspring's spawn.

The chances of any of these plus more, are endless.

I went to two funerals within a two week period of time this past month. I looked fabulous both times, had great clothing at one where I had to travel to Reno, had a low-cost one star dump give my room away and I had to drive to the next town (thank god I knew the area cause of some fucking thing in town) and it was 3 a.m., so I gave in trying to be frugal which is not me (a curse) and called Hilton Honors where I am a Silver Tier member and was given a room instantly and was back in my type of digs.

It was amazing how the universe if so thoughtful. So in my really serious effort to not go my regular big spending route even for a weekend trip with rental carl and all, I was found out by the powers that be and it corrected itself.

So, what I started this event to cost only about $400 tops for rental car with gas and room and food and all that jazz...it took me weeks and hours to formulatate, I was forced to go back to what I know best and guaranteed -- For a place to stay, in entire weekend from 5 a.m., Saturday morning, furneral from 1 to 6 and then high cost dinner until 2ish, then last minuste $100 buffet for two I had to visit but we only ate desserts and wasted time and then the $100 Cal Bear swearshirts to boyfirend he won't.

The beer and my muscle relaxant kicked in and I'm deflated since I usedd you guys for free therapy or venting however you look at it, is meaningless...ok.

It's not meaningless at all, I read the whole thing. I'm glad you posted it, that's what we're here for! There's always someone around to read/listen. I hope you feel a bit better after some sleep

 

[Nas47]

Again....Very cold....not the weather.it comes from inside.stomach pains,headaches....waitin' to go away...two blankets,dressed just like for the winter under the hot sun and freezin'.Body temp.normal,bloodpressure normal....I know very well what is and from where it comes....pills doesn't work and i am unable to work....it's fuxkin' hard

 

[Nas47]

It pass.....Thank you Mother Marry i know,that you're by my side.Glory to the Holy Trinity!!!

 

[imo_incolae]

Don't let whatever has happened to you control your ability to do things differently. It's hard but what has been done has been done and there is nothing you can do to reverse the clock. We have to live with our decisions but we don't have to be plagued with them forever. We can transform, evolve, adapt, grow. We can be different and do different things. The past doesn't have to keep repeating itself. What brought us into the darkness doesn't have to keep us there. We just have to want to move towards the light and do anything and everything we can to make that possible.

The amount of times I have been through stuff I never thought I would recover from. Stuff that I'm sure would have broken most people. The paths those experiences sent me on, for better or for worse. The sheer depths that I plunged when people around me thought I was done, called me nuts, never understood me, had given up or I pushed away. Reached points where I thought I had lost the plot and would never return. It's an opportunity to prove those people wrong as well as to put the world to rights. It fuels you, it drives you, it makes you want to wake up and do the things those who hurt you so badly could never bring themselves to do. This is where you can come out of your comfort zone and be where you are not supposed to be, do things you were told you never could do, experience things you were told would not be possible, achieve the things you were told were always out of reach. This is when you fight to get what you know you deserve and you seek to jump or even fall over every obstacle you encounter, until you learn to clear them one hurdle at a time. You might come crashing down but it's a matter of picking yourself up and carrying on or simply nursing your wounds and refusing to move forward.

I can't begin to attempt to say I understand your story but to me it sounds like the same journey many of us have to face in life when we got thrown curveballs. Nobody said it would be easy. What a fucking cliche, but what truth, no? Rocky said it's not about how hard you hit but how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. In order to succeed you have to know what it's like to fail. Relationships, hardship, rock bottom, giving up, wanting to end it, being fucked over by society, feeling worthless, empty, unloved, unneeded, unnecessary. It's par for the course. Sounds mad you would invite that shit into your life and welcome it like it's normal. The thing is, it is normal. There are lots of fucked up things in life and you could argue, there is fucked up in humanity itself. These things DO happen and when they do happen we either acknowledge that and we don't try to act surprised and oblivious like we live in a fantasy world, or we put on our rose tinted glasses and attempt to paint a picture that deludes us from the truth. How can this happen? Why me? Or, it DID happen and it DID happen to me. And I'm not lying down and taking it.

It's also not meaningless. This is the core of your existence. This is what can either motivate you or drain you. It's very important. Don't downplay your life story and your journey but don't let it control you either. Either you are in driving seat or someone or something else is. This is what makes your world go round and it is what is written in the book of you. That book keeps on being written. Every line, every word even or even every letter, is a new opportunity. The lifetime it took you to read my essay (sorry I wasted your life) every second of that time contains new opportunities. Within that time you can do something amazing and completely change course. And with effort, patience, commitment and passion what you seek to bring into existence will happen.

Go out and conquer. Believe in yourself and you will. And then the past you you will look back on and you won't be recognizable.

 

[neversickanymore]

I’d look at controlling your thoughts. We don’t have that much control over life.. but we control how we perceive it, How we perceive it determines our experience of it.

 

[Nas47]

Simple mental hygiene is as needed as body hygiene and spiritual one.Neversick is wright-there are things that not dependent on us.

 

[Rainman1964]

Don't let whatever has happened to you control your ability to do things differently. It's hard but what has been done has been done and there is nothing you can do to reverse the clock. We have to live with our decisions but we don't have to be plagued with them forever. We can transform, evolve, adapt, grow. We can be different and do different things. The past doesn't have to keep repeating itself. What brought us into the darkness doesn't have to keep us there. We just have to want to move towards the light and do anything and everything we can to make that possible.

The amount of times I have been through stuff I never thought I would recover from. Stuff that I'm sure would have broken most people. The paths those experiences sent me on, for better or for worse. The sheer depths that I plunged when people around me thought I was done, called me nuts, never understood me, had given up or I pushed away. Reached points where I thought I had lost the plot and would never return. It's an opportunity to prove those people wrong as well as to put the world to rights. It fuels you, it drives you, it makes you want to wake up and do the things those who hurt you so badly could never bring themselves to do. This is where you can come out of your comfort zone and be where you are not supposed to be, do things you were told you never could do, experience things you were told would not be possible, achieve the things you were told were always out of reach. This is when you fight to get what you know you deserve and you seek to jump or even fall over every obstacle you encounter, until you learn to clear them one hurdle at a time. You might come crashing down but it's a matter of picking yourself up and carrying on or simply nursing your wounds and refusing to move forward.

I can't begin to attempt to say I understand your story but to me it sounds like the same journey many of us have to face in life when we got thrown curveballs. Nobody said it would be easy. What a fucking cliche, but what truth, no? Rocky said it's not about how hard you hit but how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. In order to succeed you have to know what it's like to fail. Relationships, hardship, rock bottom, giving up, wanting to end it, being fucked over by society, feeling worthless, empty, unloved, unneeded, unnecessary. It's par for the course. Sounds mad you would invite that shit into your life and welcome it like it's normal. The thing is, it is normal. There are lots of fucked up things in life and you could argue, there is fucked up in humanity itself. These things DO happen and when they do happen we either acknowledge that and we don't try to act surprised and oblivious like we live in a fantasy world, or we put on our rose tinted glasses and attempt to paint a picture that deludes us from the truth. How can this happen? Why me? Or, it DID happen and it DID happen to me. And I'm not lying down and taking it.

It's also not meaningless. This is the core of your existence. This is what can either motivate you or drain you. It's very important. Don't downplay your life story and your journey but don't let it control you either. Either you are in driving seat or someone or something else is. This is what makes your world go round and it is what is written in the book of you. That book keeps on being written. Every line, every word even or even every letter, is a new opportunity. The lifetime it took you to read my essay (sorry I wasted your life) every second of that time contains new opportunities. Within that time you can do something amazing and completely change course. And with effort, patience, commitment and passion what you seek to bring into existence will happen.

Go out and conquer. Believe in yourself and you will. And then the past you you will look back on and you won't be recognizable.

I don't know who you are, and yes, I read your entire post.

Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing such a well-thought out message to me and others. I am better tonight because when I woke up this morning feeling worse, I called a girlfriend I had never thought to call before who is intelligent and insightful like you. She let me cry for hours and we gulped wine most of the day and smoke too many cigarettes. But she also let me cry until I couldn't cry anymore and then we set out a new game plan. When I went home this evening, my oldest and dearest friend was waiting for me -- sleeping in his car. He rarely reaches out, but I felt stronger than before and in the last 24 hours, one human being let me lean on her so that I would be together and there for someone who needed me.

I read your message twice and it is simply lovely and inspirational, and of course true. Whoever you are, you are appreciated and I have printed your message, put it in a different font, framed it and hung it over my desk in my home office. It is people like you that remind me that there is a God. I will always be thankful for your reach out at a moment in my life that was brief, but seemed hopeless.

The older I get there are two things I have realized about life. 1) People are really good and when you reach out and are sincere, while giving to others, it comes back to you, and 2) Life is a bowl of cherries and we are all fruitcake!

Blessings and love to you and yours.

V

 

[Rainman1964]

Thank you so much to every one of you who responded to my miserable rant. Your kindness and wisdom has not fallen on deaf ears. You are all correct in your comments and in this time it has only given me more motivation to move on and face what comes next.

V

 

[imo_incolae]

I don't know who you are, and yes, I read your entire post.

Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing such a well-thought out message to me and others. I am better tonight because when I woke up this morning feeling worse, I called a girlfriend I had never thought to call before who is intelligent and insightful like you. She let me cry for hours and we gulped wine most of the day and smoke too many cigarettes. But she also let me cry until I couldn't cry anymore and then we set out a new game plan. When I went home this evening, my oldest and dearest friend was waiting for me -- sleeping in his car. He rarely reaches out, but I felt stronger than before and in the last 24 hours, one human being let me lean on her so that I would be together and there for someone who needed me.

I read your message twice and it is simply lovely and inspirational, and of course true. Whoever you are, you are appreciated and I have printed your message, put it in a different font, framed it and hung it over my desk in my home office. It is people like you that remind me that there is a God. I will always be thankful for your reach out at a moment in my life that was brief, but seemed hopeless.

The older I get there are two things I have realized about life. 1) People are really good and when you reach out and are sincere, while giving to others, it comes back to you, and 2) Life is a bowl of cherries and we are all fruitcake!

Blessings and love to you and yours.

V

Thanks, I'm happy I helped
I know how important it is to want to receive support in testing times, especially when you feel like you are hitting rock bottom. You just want someone to help illuminate things a little. Sometimes that's all we need, just a little bit of light. And we all deserve that light. It is that light which transforms us and takes us out of the darkness.

It really sounds like you've already begun turning the corner!
Just remember it's never over. Even when we think it is, there is still more to give, still more to learn from, still more we can do. There is more potential than we could ever know hidden within ourselves. It is what we go through that reveals what exists within us and I think sometimes we don't give ourselves credit for what we really are capable of dealing with and how much we have been through and been able to survive. If we can survive through what we have been through, we already have what it takes to keep going. It is about realizing this and channeling the energy, potential and inner resources to overcome whatever is in our path. We must believe in ourselves even when it seems everything is set against us. That is when we need to be able to be the light when everything seems dark around us. This is when it counts the most.

Again, thanks for your kind words. I hope you achieve everything you set to achieve

 

[Nas47]

For anyone the weight,that is carried on his shoulders is right ammount,that can be carried....but.....yes there is one "but"-what about suiciders?Too much load?Never been able to explain this to myself and i killed myself in my dreams in a hundred different ways.Why someone can do it and another not?

 

[imo_incolae]

For anyone the weight,that is carried on his shoulders is right ammount,that can be carried....but.....yes there is one "but"-what about suiciders?Too much load?Never been able to explain this to myself and i killed myself in my dreams in a hundred different ways.Why someone can do it and another not?

It's a good question. For me I think its because life is precious and despite whatever we go through there is something within us that doesn't want to let go of life. We want to hold on. It's paradoxical because the more we hold on the more we suffer but the more we let go the more we fade away. At one point we will have to let go of everything but while we are alive and in the throngs of life we want to embrace all we can while we can. Life is rare and despite there being billions of us on the planet, there are is only ever one experience of each individual and there will only ever be one opportunity to experience life as that individual.

For those who choose to end their physical existence the weight of no longer wanting to exist physically must be heavier than the weight of wanting to remain. The decision is made and despite what they go through internally externally the deal is done.

 

[Fourofakind]

Don't let whatever has happened to you control your ability to do things differently. It's hard but what has been done has been done and there is nothing you can do to reverse the clock. We have to live with our decisions but we don't have to be plagued with them forever. We can transform, evolve, adapt, grow. We can be different and do different things. The past doesn't have to keep repeating itself. What brought us into the darkness doesn't have to keep us there. We just have to want to move towards the light and do anything and everything we can to make that possible.

The amount of times I have been through stuff I never thought I would recover from. Stuff that I'm sure would have broken most people. The paths those experiences sent me on, for better or for worse. The sheer depths that I plunged when people around me thought I was done, called me nuts, never understood me, had given up or I pushed away. Reached points where I thought I had lost the plot and would never return. It's an opportunity to prove those people wrong as well as to put the world to rights. It fuels you, it drives you, it makes you want to wake up and do the things those who hurt you so badly could never bring themselves to do. This is where you can come out of your comfort zone and be where you are not supposed to be, do things you were told you never could do, experience things you were told would not be possible, achieve the things you were told were always out of reach. This is when you fight to get what you know you deserve and you seek to jump or even fall over every obstacle you encounter, until you learn to clear them one hurdle at a time. You might come crashing down but it's a matter of picking yourself up and carrying on or simply nursing your wounds and refusing to move forward.

I can't begin to attempt to say I understand your story but to me it sounds like the same journey many of us have to face in life when we got thrown curveballs. Nobody said it would be easy. What a fucking cliche, but what truth, no? Rocky said it's not about how hard you hit but how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. In order to succeed you have to know what it's like to fail. Relationships, hardship, rock bottom, giving up, wanting to end it, being fucked over by society, feeling worthless, empty, unloved, unneeded, unnecessary. It's par for the course. Sounds mad you would invite that shit into your life and welcome it like it's normal. The thing is, it is normal. There are lots of fucked up things in life and you could argue, there is fucked up in humanity itself. These things DO happen and when they do happen we either acknowledge that and we don't try to act surprised and oblivious like we live in a fantasy world, or we put on our rose tinted glasses and attempt to paint a picture that deludes us from the truth. How can this happen? Why me? Or, it DID happen and it DID happen to me. And I'm not lying down and taking it.

It's also not meaningless. This is the core of your existence. This is what can either motivate you or drain you. It's very important. Don't downplay your life story and your journey but don't let it control you either. Either you are in driving seat or someone or something else is. This is what makes your world go round and it is what is written in the book of you. That book keeps on being written. Every line, every word even or even every letter, is a new opportunity. The lifetime it took you to read my essay (sorry I wasted your life) every second of that time contains new opportunities. Within that time you can do something amazing and completely change course. And with effort, patience, commitment and passion what you seek to bring into existence will happen.

Go out and conquer. Believe in yourself and you will. And then the past you you will look back on and you won't be recognizable.

I love your post, the structure of the words you used, and it hit me deep, i feel and understand your point, and i really want to apply that perspective in some things in my life, sometimes i see i need to learn more, i have miseducation, or change my beliefs, but i understand your point, posts like this is why i love to be here at Bluelight.

Sorry, i tried to quote you @imo_incolae but idk what have done at the end, ok

About suicide, i had suicidal toughs, but i have been in very worse circunstances before and im ok right now, but like you say, life is rare, my sister was another history... i feel her discrete suicidal behavior, its at a point like a fantasy about your death, she was a very succesfull and strong woman, have done incredible things about her life without stop, she was even trascending the life at the moment of the suicide, yes, the life is rare, i dont over analyze that shit, im just humble about the things at the life that you cant control and some days occur, i have been with that suicidal feelings 6-12 months before, but my life was even miserable to live at that days, honestly, i had every thing i had at that point of my life except clothes, and back with my dads with a addiction of a shit, gone to a rehab center in non human or healthly conditions, but at least there was not any way to smoke meth for 3 months... and helped, at a point im smoking meth almost daily and using modafinil to be more time without the meth use for more long periods of time, and it works great, i use a mid ISRS dose and a benzo low-mid dose almost daily too, i feel helps to quit the edge of the meth too and keep me more at control when using, rn im sleeping around 10 hours daily ironically, but if the doses turns in redoses, of course im not sleeping or even eating a shit.

I feel thankfully with my life like never before and that helps a lot, admit that i cant control a ton of variants in all what happened and can happen, the good decisions sometimes lead bad results, but rarely bad decision lead good results, but that exist too.

Thanks!

 

[Phantasia]

I don't know who you are, and yes, I read your entire post.

Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing such a well-thought out message to me and others. I am better tonight because when I woke up this morning feeling worse, I called a girlfriend I had never thought to call before who is intelligent and insightful like you. She let me cry for hours and we gulped wine most of the day and smoke too many cigarettes. But she also let me cry until I couldn't cry anymore and then we set out a new game plan. When I went home this evening, my oldest and dearest friend was waiting for me -- sleeping in his car. He rarely reaches out, but I felt stronger than before and in the last 24 hours, one human being let me lean on her so that I would be together and there for someone who needed me.

I read your message twice and it is simply lovely and inspirational, and of course true. Whoever you are, you are appreciated and I have printed your message, put it in a different font, framed it and hung it over my desk in my home office. It is people like you that remind me that there is a God. I will always be thankful for your reach out at a moment in my life that was brief, but seemed hopeless.

The older I get there are two things I have realized about life. 1) People are really good and when you reach out and are sincere, while giving to others, it comes back to you, and 2) Life is a bowl of cherries and we are all fruitcake!

Blessings and love to you and yours.

V

this post had me crying and smiling at the same time, you have a real talent with words. Your post has inspired me so much! We are the same age and I despise my career choice. My SO is a narcissistic OCD asshole who derives pleasure from tearing me down. But what you wrote gave me hope—something so rare and precious these days. I pray that you continue to grow in your faith and be blessed