Venting I'm stuck in a (semi)successful lie.

[Luckyduck]

Three years ago I was given fentanyl instead of my usual fix and I overdosed while driving my families main source of transportation. ( My fiance myself and son). Noone knew I was using at all and I lost EVERYTHING friends, family job, house, I'm talking everything. I never went to jail I got a felony but it's all under the rug now.. the day after I we t to get belongings from the car and the police never found the stuff that I had purchased. Just the little bit I had done still folded up in a paper. (I crushed up pain pills to snort) my dumb ass tried it again and I've just never stopped .... I successfully went through the court systems passed all the drug tests (they dont test for fent) and payed all my fines I got to a point where I quit trying to get high at all I just simply medicate myself to not get sick. Doing so I have convinced the world I am clean. Employers my family ( that I still have) and friends all believe I'm doing amazing.. And in some ways I am I have my fiance and son back at home, I have a great job with benefits retirement the whole nine yards and it's a career I've been trying to obtain for a long time. Everything is great I love my life, for a moment then I remember what I have to do like clock work 4 times a day. I have to find a place away from everyone behind a locked door to snort some powder just so I can function like a normal human. That is literally all I use it for I don't care about highs or how good it is I try a small amount every purchase judge how much it'll take to not be sick and I portion it out like it's prescribed or something. I feel that if I was to tell someone I will lose everything all over again and I'll have to go through the withdrawals to start Suboxone or something like that and doing that will mean time off work That I don't have. I'll lose my job my family everything all over again so I'm in this loop everyday trapped in a lie I hate it...

P.S. Sorry for spelling and punctuation I'm driving to work.

 

[SoCal424]

Three years ago I was given fentanyl instead of my usual fix and I overdosed while driving my families main source of transportation. ( My fiance myself and son). Noone knew I was using at all and I lost EVERYTHING friends, family job, house, I'm talking everything. I never went to jail I got a felony but it's all under the rug now.. the day after I we t to get belongings from the car and the police never found the stuff that I had purchased. Just the little bit I had done still folded up in a paper. (I crushed up pain pills to snort) my dumb ass tried it again and I've just never stopped .... I successfully went through the court systems passed all the drug tests (they dont test for fent) and payed all my fines I got to a point where I quit trying to get high at all I just simply medicate myself to not get sick. Doing so I have convinced the world I am clean. Employers my family ( that I still have) and friends all believe I'm doing amazing.. And in some ways I am I have my fiance and son back at home, I have a great job with benefits retirement the whole nine yards and it's a career I've been trying to obtain for a long time. Everything is great I love my life, for a moment then I remember what I have to do like clock work 4 times a day. I have to find a place away from everyone behind a locked door to snort some powder just so I can function like a normal human. That is literally all I use it for I don't care about highs or how good it is I try a small amount every purchase judge how much it'll take to not be sick and I portion it out like it's prescribed or something. I feel that if I was to tell someone I will lose everything all over again and I'll have to go through the withdrawals to start Suboxone or something like that and doing that will mean time off work That I don't have. I'll lose my job my family everything all over again so I'm in this loop everyday trapped in a lie I hate it...

P.S. Sorry for spelling and punctuation I'm driving to work.

That’s tough to read losing everything. Someday - somehow, you will likely get caught. Maybe you accidentally drop some, leave something in a pocket or even a car accident that wasn’t your fault where they do screen for all drugs.
If you want free of this, start cutting down very slowly. When you feel weak and want to up the dose, think about what you could lose. If you just can’t get free, then consider coming clean with your spouse and ask for her help and understanding. That is better than her finding out another way.
I wish you strength and wisdom buddy

 

[Luckyduck]

That’s tough to read losing everything. Someday - somehow, you will likely get caught. Maybe you accidentally drop some, leave something in a pocket or even a car accident that wasn’t your fault where they do screen for all drugs.
If you want free of this, start cutting down very slowly. When you feel weak and want to up the dose, think about what you could lose. If you just can’t get free, then consider coming clean with your spouse and ask for her help and understanding. That is better than her finding out another way.
I wish you strength and wisdom buddy

I didn't think anyone was going to actually read what I wrote here, haha my father died from drugs my mom had a problem my fiances family has all been effected by drugs including losing people. But I have cut down sooooo much going from a full gram of fentanyl not heroin cut with fentanyl.. purposely purchasing fentanyl thw strongest purest I can find.it got to the point even during the begging Fazes when everyone was starting to come back around and my fiance was coming to stay with me over night that I could take the best heroin no dirty black tar crap (I've never used needles or smoked it always snorted or ate it). But back to what I was saying I could take a dose of H that would have most opiate/opioid users out or OD and I would be pouring sweat and sick it wouldn't even take the edge off and now I spend $200/wk right now every payday I leave early for " company meetings" I don't use everything that I purchase every week either I never run out I use the left over as an emergency stash just in case something happens that I can't leave early that day or something along those lines. I've had the dealers I know comment saying that I'm not like the other people out here using most people I meet think I'm a dealer instead due to my social class and how I act..I can use at 10pm and go all day and sleep horribly but I can sleep the next night but that next morning I will be puking and I've gotten comfortable with life now I'm happy untill I feel the weeknes coming on and I start thinking about if I'm going to be able to use the "bathroom" quick enough before someone comes and opens the door on me as I'm in there. I honestly feel I handle pain and discomfort better than the most and honestly my withdrawals in the past when I was doing alot where mostly discomfort and I could do it if I didn't have so much on my plate now.