stupidpolytox
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2014
- Messages
- 9
Hi everyone,
I'm in a bit of a weird place right now. First off, I want to say - I know that I made a mistake, as of yet I'm hoping it doesn't turn out to have been a serious one. Bit of a longer story but since I'm really pretty scared right now I hope you'll find the time to read it.
So, my story is this: I discovered MDMA about three months ago, and I was blown away, seriously, I was like 'this is the best thing that ever happened to me in my life!', and I was very happy I found it. It was the first time in a long time that I experienced myself so free of anxiety, actually I kind of 'realized' that I propably suffered from something like an anxiety neurosis for quite a while. I'm 41 years old, and spent the last 20 years reducing my social contacts more and more. Now, all of a sudden, I felt free and open and interested in other people. I never used it as a party booster, only to get rid of that anxiety in social situations. And the best thing about MDMA seemed to be, that improvement with my anxiety issues really stayed with me even after the effects of the MDMA had worn off.
However, I knew from the start that I might be getting a problem with that stuff, since I very easily become addicted to such things, I'm a heavy smoker, having problems controlling or limiting my alcohol intake. I didn't manage to limit my use of Kratom to something like once a week as was my original plan with that stuff, but quickly began using it daily. When I have weed I smoke some every day (However, at least with the weed, I'm not having problems when I run out). I frequently get prescribed Lyrica / pregabalin (they, too, help with the anxiety), and even though I know that it would make much more sense to take them in situations that are especially demanding with regards to my anxiety I tend to eat through them real quick, on a daily basis.
Now with the MDMA - the original plan of course was to be really careful, limit my use to once every few weeks, and in the beginning that kind of worked. That changed quickly though. Now my Situation ist: I took some small dose (sthg like 70-80 mg) 11 days ago, from then on through the next five days more small doses, between 10 and 30 mg per dose I guess (dipped), but several times a day, probably amounting to a total of 50-70mg per day. Then had a two days break, then four days ago took another dose, Don't really remember how much, but in that same pattern, smaller doses but like 2-4 times per day, same thing the two following days. Now is my second day without any MDMA.
Sorry for the complicated explanation, english is not my native language, I hope you're still with me and it was possible to understand my intake pattern.
Oh, and yesterday was also the first day that I spent completely without Kratom, same today, so I guess that's a good thing, also yesterday was the first day in like two weeeks that I managed to drink only one bottle of Wine throughout the evening (as opposed to two, like I did before). I guess all of this might somehow affect me now in how I feel (Which is: Very strange!)
Yesterday I felt very, very weird when I woke up, I was still pretty drunk (I never have hangovers), and also I felt that the MDMA-effect was pretty intense still. I know that I have a slow metabolism, but not this slow normally, so yesterday I got a little scared. I felt kind of good, in that usual MDMA-way, at the same time though I felt like a lingering black hole just beneath the surface of that good feeling, or maybe more like I felt great and terrible at the same time (terribly scared, terribly wrong, pretty depressed, ...). That slowly got better towards the evening, in the evening I still felt the MDMA-effect pretty strongly though, with the clenching of the jaw and all, difficulties urinating... Not like a full force roll, but way too strong for 24 hours after the last dose. Today - same thing. That MDMA-feeling is still there, pretty much like 80% of what it was yesterday, still clenching my jaw, not such a drunk feeling today, because I didn't drink that much yesterday. I feel very jittery and again pretty scared.
I realize that there's lots and lots of far worse stories in here, but in a way that's exactly why I'm hoping for some advice now, because that's exactly what I'm scared of, that my current state of being might develop into such a really serious story, too. I really, really regret having been so careless and stupid, really...
My questions would be:
- Usually, the day after using MDMA, I took 100mg of 5-HTP because I read that that helps to refill the serotonin levels in the brain and thus helps to avoid possible depressions or 'suicide tuesdays'. Would you advice that I continue taking that in my current situation?
- Would you advice to seek some kind of medical / psychological / psychiatrical help now, like, today? In how I feel now I don't really feel like I need that, but I'm scared of tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, and then I think, maybe it's good to go now and see what they think?
- In regards to the alcohol, I'm scared that I won't be able to sleep at all when I drink _nothing_ tonight; I know that would propably be the best thing to do, but then again, a whole sleepless night might also not be the most helpful thing in what might be in store for me tomorrow... So this question is like - what would you think is the lesser evil in my situation, a bottle of wine (well propably could do with a half one) or a sleepless night?
- I have one last Lyrica left, I took one yesterday and that is maybe why I felt less strange towards the evening; Is it a good idea to have another one today?
...And any other tips or advice or support of course is also greatly appreciated... Or should I just hope for the best and wait a few more days?
xxx
I'm in a bit of a weird place right now. First off, I want to say - I know that I made a mistake, as of yet I'm hoping it doesn't turn out to have been a serious one. Bit of a longer story but since I'm really pretty scared right now I hope you'll find the time to read it.
So, my story is this: I discovered MDMA about three months ago, and I was blown away, seriously, I was like 'this is the best thing that ever happened to me in my life!', and I was very happy I found it. It was the first time in a long time that I experienced myself so free of anxiety, actually I kind of 'realized' that I propably suffered from something like an anxiety neurosis for quite a while. I'm 41 years old, and spent the last 20 years reducing my social contacts more and more. Now, all of a sudden, I felt free and open and interested in other people. I never used it as a party booster, only to get rid of that anxiety in social situations. And the best thing about MDMA seemed to be, that improvement with my anxiety issues really stayed with me even after the effects of the MDMA had worn off.
However, I knew from the start that I might be getting a problem with that stuff, since I very easily become addicted to such things, I'm a heavy smoker, having problems controlling or limiting my alcohol intake. I didn't manage to limit my use of Kratom to something like once a week as was my original plan with that stuff, but quickly began using it daily. When I have weed I smoke some every day (However, at least with the weed, I'm not having problems when I run out). I frequently get prescribed Lyrica / pregabalin (they, too, help with the anxiety), and even though I know that it would make much more sense to take them in situations that are especially demanding with regards to my anxiety I tend to eat through them real quick, on a daily basis.
Now with the MDMA - the original plan of course was to be really careful, limit my use to once every few weeks, and in the beginning that kind of worked. That changed quickly though. Now my Situation ist: I took some small dose (sthg like 70-80 mg) 11 days ago, from then on through the next five days more small doses, between 10 and 30 mg per dose I guess (dipped), but several times a day, probably amounting to a total of 50-70mg per day. Then had a two days break, then four days ago took another dose, Don't really remember how much, but in that same pattern, smaller doses but like 2-4 times per day, same thing the two following days. Now is my second day without any MDMA.
Sorry for the complicated explanation, english is not my native language, I hope you're still with me and it was possible to understand my intake pattern.
Oh, and yesterday was also the first day that I spent completely without Kratom, same today, so I guess that's a good thing, also yesterday was the first day in like two weeeks that I managed to drink only one bottle of Wine throughout the evening (as opposed to two, like I did before). I guess all of this might somehow affect me now in how I feel (Which is: Very strange!)
Yesterday I felt very, very weird when I woke up, I was still pretty drunk (I never have hangovers), and also I felt that the MDMA-effect was pretty intense still. I know that I have a slow metabolism, but not this slow normally, so yesterday I got a little scared. I felt kind of good, in that usual MDMA-way, at the same time though I felt like a lingering black hole just beneath the surface of that good feeling, or maybe more like I felt great and terrible at the same time (terribly scared, terribly wrong, pretty depressed, ...). That slowly got better towards the evening, in the evening I still felt the MDMA-effect pretty strongly though, with the clenching of the jaw and all, difficulties urinating... Not like a full force roll, but way too strong for 24 hours after the last dose. Today - same thing. That MDMA-feeling is still there, pretty much like 80% of what it was yesterday, still clenching my jaw, not such a drunk feeling today, because I didn't drink that much yesterday. I feel very jittery and again pretty scared.
I realize that there's lots and lots of far worse stories in here, but in a way that's exactly why I'm hoping for some advice now, because that's exactly what I'm scared of, that my current state of being might develop into such a really serious story, too. I really, really regret having been so careless and stupid, really...
My questions would be:
- Usually, the day after using MDMA, I took 100mg of 5-HTP because I read that that helps to refill the serotonin levels in the brain and thus helps to avoid possible depressions or 'suicide tuesdays'. Would you advice that I continue taking that in my current situation?
- Would you advice to seek some kind of medical / psychological / psychiatrical help now, like, today? In how I feel now I don't really feel like I need that, but I'm scared of tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, and then I think, maybe it's good to go now and see what they think?
- In regards to the alcohol, I'm scared that I won't be able to sleep at all when I drink _nothing_ tonight; I know that would propably be the best thing to do, but then again, a whole sleepless night might also not be the most helpful thing in what might be in store for me tomorrow... So this question is like - what would you think is the lesser evil in my situation, a bottle of wine (well propably could do with a half one) or a sleepless night?
- I have one last Lyrica left, I took one yesterday and that is maybe why I felt less strange towards the evening; Is it a good idea to have another one today?
...And any other tips or advice or support of course is also greatly appreciated... Or should I just hope for the best and wait a few more days?
xxx