I'm falling apart and suffer with PTSD ~ triggering

[BlueWeepingRose]

My ex boyfriend raped me and the only person I told was my mother and one other friend. This is the first time I've came open about it since it's happened. For so long I've been quiet about it and haven't told anyone and even had trouble speaking about it. I'm suffering with lots of body shakes and nightmares. Often times I'll dissociate and just stare for hours it seems like. Anytime I mention my ex, my voice shakes and so does my hand. Sometimes I have to sit on it to stop it from shaking and my heart is pounding so hard. As I was watching TV... I kept turning around and like expecting my ex boyfriend to pound through the door to do it again. I'm not usual the paranoid type but now I am...A week and a half ago my mom and I went to Target and I literally freaked out when she walked away from me. I'm always on edge and afraid. If my messenger goes off, I'll jump and be full of fright. So I actually had to turn it off because the sound scared me so much and made me jump each time a notification or my messenger would go off. I'll randomly cry out of the blue and I keeping feeling as if it's my fault. I won't talk to any of my friends and I isolate myself in my room. Now it's getting to the point where I'm getting dark thoughts..... I'm seeing my therapist soon which is good but I seriously don't know if I can go on like this anymore. I really can't. I'm tired of suffering and being full of fright like this. The reason why I never told anyone or reached out before is because my ex boyfriend has guns and he owns quite a bit of them. Sometimes I fear if I go to the police or anything, that'll he'll try to kill me. I just hope someone out there who reads this can answer this thread.... cause I'm so tired of suffering like this....

 

[herbavore]

You are suffering PTSD and it would be very good for you to get treatment for that. It makes sense that you are still terrified but there are ways that you can learn to bring yourself back to the present moment where you are not in danger. When something so traumatic has happened to you, your mind is stuck in fight or flight mode all the time.

How long ago did this happen?

 

[BlueWeepingRose]

It didn't happen that long ago, a month ago. My mind is so fuzzy that I can't seem to think straight. I'm seeing a therapist about it soon which is a good thing. Had trouble sleeping last night and I still feel tired, I might end up going to bed early tonight because I know I'll be tired. Yes.... it makes perfect sense that I still feel in danger. At first I couldn't talk to anyone about it because I was in denial about it for awhile and didn't want to admit to myself that it actually happened. When the symptoms started, I knew I couldn't hide it any longer. A lot of my friends are not talking to me and I simply don't get that because I need them the most. I'm falling into a great deep depression now.

 

[Trabbamab]

I am very sorry to hear that. You should definitely rush to get to a therapist and psychiatrist combo. The therapist is for counseling and the psychiatrist is for writing meds as needed. You will likely need some to get through this. This is about the worst thing a human can experience, so please don't think that needing medications to get through it makes you "crazy" or anything like that. People get PTSD all the time from a lot less, such as car crashes. And this is much worse than that.

I know that rape victims have a wide variety of feelings about this topic....but have you considered speaking to the police? That could possibly be something you could speak to your therapist about.

Best of luck and I hope you feel better soon!

 

[MrRoot]

PTSD is really awful condition and I am so sad that this all has happened to you.

Luckily there are good therapies that can be used along with drugs for treatment of PTSD. I?ve got PTSD due to my exposure of what happened back in Afghanistan but I have managed to get by.

I went to see a psychiatrist who deals with PTSD that especially relates to what veterans have experienced and most people won?t believe that the first time I wen?t to see him I could manage with just about single benzo in every two days instead of popping them like Skittles and I could stop using benzos altogether within few months.

One thing that is essential in recovering from PTSD is that you need to feel sure about being safe during your daily life and this is why you should think about getting the police involved.

Best regards to you OP and I wish you do well in your recovery from PTSD.

 

[herbavore]

One of the things that helped me to deal with the PTSD from sexual assault was to focus on my own desire not to continue to be victimized by the man responsible. Each time I felt afraid, ashamed, or simply unmoored, I tried to see myself as a warrior rather than a victim. I have never been comfortable with anger but developing the strength to let myself feel angry was a key in getting better.