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Hopeless I'm Done (Part One)

L

LittlBlackKitty

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Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
9
I was a member here and made posts in the past but quit after two reasons. The first is a user blasted me for a post, claiming it was a long read. Administrators said you can make long posts, I checked. So, to anyone who is going to blast me for the long post, I have one thing to say to you: why the fuck are you on this page to begin with. There are other posts that are short/your standards you can read. Go read them. I am usually not rude but everything I have gone through, especially last year, has made me become a lot more of a bitch.

The second reason is a user was nasty to me regarding something I posted but since the administrators decided it wasn't nasty or anything wrong with it I had enough so I deleted my posts and quit. In real life I put up with being treated like shit/people claiming they weren't rude yet they were to me, I have put up with so many rude people that it's enough for me to say I am done with going out for walks or anything else - I only go where I have to, such as my Narcissistic Mother's house since she's paying part of the rent from my late-father's money that is my inheritance - I'm on Income Support since nobody wants to hire me; I have a disability but it's not visible, yet it's enough for people to treat me like shit, CONSTANTLY - because I'm on Income Support, I can't have more than $3,000.00 in the bank. Mom sends me the money Income Support won't pay for my rent each month; I consider the money she sends me payment for my unspoken - but obvious - job of being the scapegoat and doormat for her and anyone associated with her since if I defend myself, even though I'm not rude or vulgar, I risk losing the money). I am treated like shit everywhere; here is something I wrote this morning:

I have had it with people.

I appreciate all that mom does but just because I disagree about something or defend myself against something does not mean that I don't appreciate what she did - even if what we're talking about does not have to do with what she did.

My mother is a covert narcissist with one golden, unspoken rule (that she refuses to admit but it's an obvious rule - my late-father, who she left in 1999, even told me that this is a rule when I mentioned it to him in 2011: Thou Shalt Not Speak Thy Mind, which means no opinions are allowed to be expressed by me, which I sometimes stupidly break and am punished for. I broke this rule on Friday and was punished (screamed at, kicked out, and told to go back to my apartment). This happened despite the fact that I had just come (she picked me up) from a place that stresses me out for more than one reason - the hospital. She even took back the $2,000.00 she gave me, which was from my late-father; it was supposed to be my inheritance. If I could move I would but financial reasons prevent me from doing so; I am even forced to make her secondary holder on my bank accounts (more about that later, possibly another post).

The hospital stresses me out because of not only stressful appointments but also if I go to the emergency room I will be dismissed (this happens 99% of the time) even though I'm sick. I have a brain injury, it's a cyst on my brain since birth; it was partially removed but grew back and is now covering the entire right side of my brain and NOTHING can be done, it's too big to do any surgery to fix it. My parents and I didn't know this was growing back while I was growing up since we thought I was seeing a pediatric neurologist; in 2018 we found out, after putting in a complaint about not being properly followed by him, that he was a general pediatrician (who used exam rooms in the fucking pediatric neurology ward, that's why we thought he was a fucking pediatric neurologist) since test results were never discussed when I was sent for CT Scans, MRIs, and EEGs - if they had been we would have known the cyst was growing back and replace the shunt, it disconnected when I was 12 but that same general pediatrician said something would be done only if I was having severe migraines and throwing up. I only had those with Grand-Mal Seizures. I was having other variants of seizures as well (Simple-Partial Seizures - two versions of Simple-Partial Seizures) and Dissociative Seizures, which I found out from my adult neurologist, after having a Grand-Mal Seizure on November 15, 2008 (legal issues were involved in this, more about that later). Also, my general pediatrician would sent reports of each visit to my family doctor. The general pediatrician did the same fucking physical examination I would get at a family doctor's office. If I did this myself I would be charged with doctor shopping, this actually happened (but I got the charge dropped) when I was looking for a doctor who would take me (but nobody would since I have a brain injury; my options for doctors is limited since I can't drive due to epilepsy, taxis are expensive, and the only doctors taking new patients are halfway across the shithole province I live in - I considered it a shithole since I was 12 due to bullying; I'm in Newfoundland by the way). I was basically doctor shopping from the time I was two years old until I was 17 years old since I was seeing a general pediatrician and family doctor at the same fucking time.

I'm usually dismissed as soon as the doctor or nurse finds out, either from me or my electronic medical record, that I have a brain injury which has been present since birth. If I go there for seizures I'm accused of making it up or crazy (I was there last week and overheard one of them, whose name is Natasha - she has been nasty to me in the past, gossiping about me and how I'm just an attention-seeker; the ambulance brought me there, it wasn't my choice that this happened since it was outside the mall). I have had all three types of seizures in front of doctors (usually Simple-Partial and Dissociative due to the unique trigger) THIS HAPPENED THREE TIMES LAST YEAR, and was dismissed because of them, even though they were triggered on purpose! (If I'm not dismissed and treated instead, I'm very lucky. The doctor either didn't look up my electronic medical record or the doctor did and decided to treat me anyway, despite the fact that I have a brain injury (I have even been turned away because I have a brain injury when I came in with a swollen foot that I broke twice in the past, thanks to bullies).

It's a unique trigger that doesn't involve flashing lights. My intuition said, since I was four years old, that if I EVER disclosed the trigger, which is something non-invasive that's ironically medical (even reading words related to it make me have Dissociative Seizures) I would be treated like a lying, crazy, freak. My intuition was RIGHT. I only disclosed it last year because the seizures got worse, even involving the disturbing trigger randomly coming into my head - I feel like a freak when it happens yet nobody knows it's happening. And, when I'm triggered at the fucking doctor's office I feel like a freak the entire time since I'm terrified I'm going to have a seizure and make a fool of myself, which basically happened last year IN THE EMERGENCY ROOMS. ONE OF THOSE WAS A PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL, WHICH I LEFT SHORTLY AFTER BEING REPRIMANDED FOR HAVING A SEIZURE, WHICH I AM 100% CONVINCED THEY TRIGGERED ON PURPOSE, IT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE I DISCLOSED THE TRIGGER. I actually went back there, several months later, and questioned this incident since there were options that I suggested to make the seizure less intense, NONE OF WHICH INVOLVED DRUGS yet my options were denied and I was reprimanded for having a Simple-Partial Seizure when triggered! Instead of answering my questions regarding why my suggestions were denied and I was reprimanded, the hospital tried to buy my silence with a Clonazepam prescription; the person I spoke to wouldn't talk about what the reasons could be even though she wasn't there. When I further challenged this and said that I have thought about this for a long time (and have PTSD from it; I have Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder due to bullying), especially the past two weeks of that month (this was in January 2021; the seizure incident with them was July 9, 2020). It took me two weeks to decide since I have only had THREE good experiences with that place since 2009! I was even calm, didn't swear or call anyone names (I have started, on December 11, 2020 calling out people, including doctors, out on their behaviour but not cursing or name calling) but was firm in January with the hospital that decided, instead of answering my questions and/or providing a proper, non-generic "we're sorry that happened to you" apology, to write a prescription and release me instead.

After having an incident at another hospital on August 8, 2020, that I was there due to seizures (including a Grand-Mal Seizure), where I was dismissed and told off for having a seizure when a woman I will NEVER call a doctor due to her behaviour triggered me (I usually just have a Simple-Partial Seizure or Dissociative Seizure when triggered and can hide it even though I'm mentally feeling like a freak due to it happening; I try not to feel this way but I do - I thought people would treat me like a freak if they knew the actual trigger if I told them when it happened and I was right) I decided I won't put up with anyone's shit anymore. The same day I was treated like shit by that woman I exited through a door that didn’t lead to the emergency department exit; there were no arrows pointing to the emergency department exit so I followed the arrows to the main entrance instead. A male doctor that heard the woman say my name yelled at me and followed me – he kept berating me for what exit I was going out of. I walked ahead of him and told him to show me the right way out then (exits apparently matter because of Coronavirus regulations). He didn’t. When I got near the exit, I said “you care more about what exit I go out of than you do about me. That is sick and disgusting. The next time you see me at this hospital I will be in a body bag, which this place has made me wish I was in more than once.” He was still following me so when I got to the exit, with my back still turned, I stuck my middle finger in the air and kept walking (I haven’t done that since nor do I curse at doctors or nurses since becoming a bitch). There are three hospitals in the area of Newfoundland I live in by the way.

On December 11, 2020 I confirmed, by a young female doctor I mentioned earlier named Natasha (who was claiming I should be in the psychiatric hospital because of my seizures - she told me this even though I told her what happened) why doctors don't want to treat me: it is because I have a brain injury. I was taken to the emergency room because of a Grand-Mal Seizure that a neighbour in the apartment building I live in witnessed. I have now spoken to the neighbour, everyone I know in the building, and superintendent about this issue and told them to NOT call 911, to call my mom instead, whose number is on my Medic Alert bracelet, which mom and, after telling my neighbours and superintendent about my experiences, agreed to). I looked at Natasha and said, "you don't want to treat me because I have a brain injury, right?" she quickly said "yes" then, when she realized what she did, tried to change her answer. I put my hand up and said "Your first answer was the truth. I suspected this for years but never asked it. I finally did and you confirmed my suspicions. I won't seek health care from anyone again since you admitted why. Thank you." I then left. Interestingly enough I have seen Natasha since then; not just at the hospital. She recently walked down a hospital corridor and said hello to everyone, including random patients just brought in. She saw me and hung her head. She did the same thing twice in Walmart in February 2021 - the first time she looked away as she passed me and the second time she hung her head when she saw me. Yet she still decided to talk about me and say nasty things when I was brought to the hospital by ambulance recently).

This post is continued in Part Two, Part Three, etc. since there is A LOT - this isn't a vent; this is basically a message that I'm done with everyone and why, if someone who personally knows me sees this they will know what shit I have been through and that I am FINISHED with putting up with it.
 
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Because of being dismissed and leaving not only still sick but now emotionally and mentally sick I only trust one physician: A character named Matt Medic from a cartoon called Rescue Heroes that literally saved me from suicide in September 2003. That TV Series was dreamed about before seen, the characters I dreamed about were the same ones in the TV Series. I know there is no chance I saw it or a commercial for it since I had (and still have) no friends so I couldn’t see it there and the channels I watched didn’t air commercials like that; I watched adult shows like The Oblongs and there were NEVER commercials for anything like that, the commercials that would air were all for adult things. It wasn’t even referenced in any of the TV Series I watched, I checked! (By the way, I look up the information Matt gives me and 99% of the time it’s right. If I’m sick and fall asleep I wake up feeling slightly better; I can’t take medications due to being sensitive to side effects and they can cause seizures. The Matt thing might be a placebo effect when I wake up but it’s better than nothing. This is also the only time I will wake up and feel better. If I could control my dreams I would since they would always be about Rescue Heroes!)

Since the TV Series was on every day after school and on weekends and I’m dreaming about it (I still dream about it sometimes), I wasn’t suicidal for a while since I’m dreaming about this and never had imaginary friends growing up so, in a way, I gained “friends” when I was 13 years old. It sounds like Schizophrenia or something to have “imaginary friends” even as an adult (only my mom knows about it since she knows that the TV Series and its dreams saved my life). I rarely “pretend” they’re there unless I take medical cannabis or just feel like it/feel fine doing it and nobody knows I’m doing this since I don’t talk out loud but I know this is immature. Those that consider it a medical issue need to consider one thing: have you ever thought that years of abuse from people could lead to something like this?!?!?!?!

Rescue Heroes still may be my favorite cartoon but I went back to wanting to die in 2008 due to bullies and a lot of shit that happened, including cyberbullying (more about that below).

People can say and do whatever they want to me and get away with it since authorities don’t care when I report it - I have even been beaten up and last year, on July 2, 2020, was sexually assaulted when non-consensual sexual assault happened; a fucking cop and even the fucked mental health hospital (that has the worst reputation in Newfoundland; I wasn’t too angry with the hospital at first since it has a bad reputation anyway but now, after all that has happened, I’m furious with the ways I have been treated about not only this, but EVERYTHING from the health care). man I never met asked for directions to a memorial garden and, since it was on the way in the direction I was going, I agreed. We talked about general things; he didn’t know anything about my seizures or the trigger – I disclosed the trigger for the first time on July 9, 2020 at that fucking excuse of a mental health hospital. When we got to the entrance he said he wanted to show me something. I hesitated but he said it wasn’t his privates. I thought it would be some picture but instead he grabbed my hand. My Simple-Partial Seizure that is triggered by this actually saved me. I had a symptom - the random smell of raw sewage so I was prepared to run if needed. Even though this doesn’t happen as part of my Simple-Partial Seizure I pulled back and, jumped back and yelled “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?” He actually said he wanted me to feel his heartbeat. I told him that is sick and disgusting and that I think he’s fucked in the head and ran (he looked homeless anyway; I was stupidly nice enough to help him). In a fucked up way, the seizure saved my life since worse could have happened if I wasn’t able to escape.

When I got far enough away I called the cops. The police officer I spoke with on the phone said she didn’t see what the problem was. They never see what the problem is – I have a scar on the back of my hand because a girl beat me up in 2011 yet they didn’t charge her with assault since she had a friend that could back up her lie saying she was somewhere else, in 2005 a girl that regularly bullied me beat the shit out of me, then knocked on my door later and dumped dog shit in my hair, and my mom finally called the cops when she came to the house, the exact same day, mom answered and she said that if she ever saw me again on the street she would kill me. I haven’t done ANYTHING to her or anyone she accused me of doing things to – she always used this as her excuse (or would just do it because I’m a freak according to her and everyone else) to beat me up and do other shit to me. The cops didn’t even charge her, yet in November 2008, after I had a Grand-Mal Seizure and was taken to the hospital with Natasha, I struck a nurse while in a seizure, IN A HOSPITAL BED, AND WAS CHARGED WITH ASSAULT.

The nurse pursued the charge and refused to look at my medical file since it showed I have a history of epilepsy. The hospital record for the day I “assaulted” the nurse lied about the name of the nurse on the file – there was no nurse working there with the name listed and the nurse that charged me, which I found out when I went to court; the nurse wasn’t there when I went, my lawyer went all other times (the hospital released me while I was still unconscious by the way; mom was gone to get the car when the “assault” happened, we didn’t know about it until a week later when the police called). I was told if I plead Not Guilty I would get a criminal record since the nurse has a witness. I plead guilty and was given only one condition – to keep taking my anti-seizur3e medication, which I was put on AFTER I got a neurologist; I was referred after the Grand-Mal Seizure in November 2008. I didn’t drink (I rarely drink and only started in 2010 after going to court), I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs, and I don’t gamble.

I am considering stopping the medical cannabis, even though it’s the only thing that has truly helped, excluding when my tolerance is high, which it is now. I have taken tolerance breaks in the past and am again since my mom, who forced me to make her secondary holder on my bank accounts, sees my transactions and has flipped out – even though she’s the one who wanted me on it to begin with since most anti-seizure drugs don’t work or make me sick and anti-depressants and anti-psychotics can’t be prescribed to me because I’m epileptic.
 
Even therapy is unavailable since psychiatrists and psychologists turn me away as soon as I say I have a brain injury or they see it on my medical file, and I’m polite! Nobody will listen to me, they will only listen to mom, which is why I “doctor shopped” in 2012.

Since mom flips out at me for spending money ON CBD OIL FOR MY SEIZURES, ANXIETY, AND COMPLEX POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER. I decided I won’t take it anymore. I would remove her from my bank accounts but I know she will either stop sending me the money needed for the rent or make a bank take it and fine me every month for having to access it, which will make me even poorer than I already am.

I will now have to suffer with both forms of Simple-Partial Seizures.

I have an Overwhelming Sense Of Fear aura when it happens yet can’t talk or move; the other one that usually happens if I have a seizure while I’m on cannabis is the smell of raw sewage; I can also turn red in the face, become nauseated, dry heave and/or vomit. I have had Grand-Mal Seizures when I vomited from this.

The Dissociative Seizures involve the same trigger as the Simple-Partial Seizure with the bad smell but they usually don’t last very long and I usually turn red and curse under my breath; nobody can hear me thank God.

My neurologist has me on the maximum dose of the anti-seizure medication I have been on since 2009; we tried others but they made me really sick – I suffered with Vimpat from May 2018 until November 2018 constantly nauseated and dry heaving, even though I would eat when I take it.

I will have to suffer the Simple-Partial Seizures and Dissociative Ones (I actually wish I would have a Grand-Mal Seizure and die since I am sick of this world).

This is part of why I’m upset.

Bullies called me “Scary Terry” since 2001; a bully named Steven decided to make up the name even though my name isn’t Terry or close to Terry and I didn’t do anything to him – he just thought I was fucked up. School staff and authority figures never did anything, not even when he randomly made a hate thread about me in 2008 on a local website and I found it, two months later (but still with contributions being made) since my intuition said there was something nasty posted about me. I searched my own name then the name bullies called me and found the posts. I reported them but nothing was done; one of the contributors was an administrator!

If you want an idea of what my life was like, think of both Carrie White from Carrie by Stephen King and Mallory Pike from The Baby-Sitters Club – I have a theory that the bullies got some of their ideas from the book or original film Carrie.

Mallory and I are VERY similar-looking; I have curly brown hair while she has curly red hair, we both wear glasses, we both wear/had to wear braces (I wore mine for three years when it was supposed to be 22 months, I was scammed by an orthodontist when I was a teen since my dentist, hygienist, and everyone else wondered why I had braces long after 22 months – it turned out he was keeping patients for a long time for the money, which I think Mallory had to deal with too – an asshole orthodontist that scammed her).

We also both volunteered at a day camp, we have both babysat (I wasn’t part of any club though), we both love to read and write (I like writing Rescue Heroes fanfictions, I started writing in May 2007, and reading, but I enjoy suspense and thriller while she likes reading and writing horse stories), I discovered we both dealt with a teacher that treated us like complete shit, we both did secretarial work for volunteer groups, Mallory was called “Spaz Girl” after having a panic attack and switched schools because of it – I don’t know what made Steven or other people call me “Scary Terry” but in 2005 I also switched schools after I graduated the school Steven was in; the first three months after I moved to another city (but close to the one where the name “Scary Terry” started) one of the bullies from the school where the name started began attending the school I was now in and told people I was Scary Terry and despite ignoring it, the shit still spread like wildfire. It’s almost as if Stephen King and Ann M. Martin wrote my life story out (In 2009 I found and bought these books about Mallory at a Thrift Store; I read the books where Mallory was called “Spaz Girl” and switched schools since I was desperate for a distraction from some shit going on in my life – those books were written in the Nineties and what happened to be that mirrors both Carrie and Mallory’s lives started in 2001). The only differences between me and Carrie is mom isn’t religious but her personality is VERY SIMILAR to Margaret White. The only other difference between me and Mallory that I didn’t list is that I have two older half-brothers; one I’m rarely in contact with since he’s usually busy and lives in Ontario so I can’t visit and the other decided to cut everyone out of the family, this one wasn’t interactive with the family to begin with (they were my late-father’s sons by the way).
 
I'm certainly not gonna bash you for making a long post, and I'm sorry that happened to you in the past. The dark side is supposed to be a safe place for everyone to share their deepest and nagging thoughts. I am hopeful that you will find some support here this time around.
 
I had a girl named Amy beat the shit out of me in a snowstorm literally outside the school doors in 2008 (my final year of school) and, because it wasn’t inside the school, the staff wouldn’t do ANYTHING. I had bruises everywhere, broken glasses, and was screamed at as soon as mom answered since I didn’t come home on the bus and when I explained she didn’t believe me until she saw me.

I was even pushed down the stairs at the new school by the bully that began attending and, even though nobody was there to witness it, the fact that I was pushed didn’t matter. I was told that my broken ankle was due to an accident – yet the fucker that pushed me called me a freak when he did it! This happened at the school where the name “Scary Terry” started too except the person that did it yelled “go fucking die you retard!” and a teacher was there yet nothing was done.

I hit my (now ex) friend in the arm during an argument just outside the school doors (we stayed friends after that incident) in the same place I was beat up during the snowstorm in 2008. This happened in 2006. I was suspended for one day because of it, even though there were no visible injuries. I have always had the job of scapegoat, I definitely had it at school.

I don’t have any real friends. A guy named Nick, who pretended to be my friend, made an account with the username Fearing_Scary_Terry and posted the following:

I know Scary Terry, she’s so fucking nuts it’s not even funny….however I do laugh at all the people who are in fear of her and just pretend to be her friend… I mean, NOBODY actually likes her…nobody can stand her at all and you can tell she knows it yet she tries like a fucking psychopath to be your friend. I know somebody who she randomly walked up to (and NEVER talked to before) and she was like “Hi wanna be my friend, do you like my hair!?” I fucking cracked up she’s a fucking mess. She likes this dude in school who can’t wait for her to be gone next year…she fucking terrorizes him. There is SO MUCH shit on her I could type but I honestly don’t have the patience right now…

In other news…apparently for april fool’s day somebody stuffed a fake love letter in her locker…I’m looking into this and trying to find out who it was so I can thank them and possibly get a hold of that letter and post it up here.”


I reported the post and threatened to sue the website to see if they would do anything this time (I knew suing wouldn’t be possible but I wanted to see if it would make them do something about this. It did. An administrator (not the one that contributed to the thread) renamed his account “douche”, banned that account, permanently banned his IP Address, and banned his actual account for three months. She announced this but wouldn’t say who the real account belonged to.

Yet that was done to me by the administrator that contributed to the hate thread when I made an account just to get away from a psychopath asshole ex-boyfriend that I had to quit several websites because of (the police won’t do anything about that either since he isn’t threatening me and getting a peace order involves seeing him in court and I am not doing that, especially since the judge will probably side with my psycho ex because it’s me being bullied, if it was any other victim I bet the perpetrator would be told to stay away and/or punished for assault or any other thing that happened to me).

I want to make it clear: I NEVER went up to ANYONE to say ANYTHING like “Hi; wanna be my friend, do you like my hair!?”

I wasn’t like Barney the FUCKING purple dinosaur (I had seizures from that show too) nice but I guess that being nice is considered “trying like a fucking psychopath to be your friend.”

I didn’t have a crush on ANYONE in school with me then; I guess being nice to Nick made him consider it a crush!

Also, he wrote me a fake “apology letter” that his mom saw, saying how he was really sorry. His mom said he was grounded for two months but that didn’t stop his shit show. He had also written (and gave me the same day as the fake apology letter) the real apology letter except it wasn’t an apology letter at all – it blamed me for the posts (because I’m a freak with multiple issues) and said how I should be thankful it didn’t say more in the post, like that I like Rescue Heroes. I don’t give a shit who knows that I like that TV Series since, at the time, people (including bullies) were going around with Dora The Explorer items (apparently Dora The Explorer was “cool” for high schoolers). At least Rescue Heroes didn’t have episodes on shit like going to the doctor or say “Do you see the red ball?” like you see on Dora The Explorer. If Rescue Heroes had episodes like that I wouldn’t watch it, no matter how many dreams I have about the TV Series. His mom said he was grounded for the computer for two months but that didn't stop him from his shitstorm. He told people I hacked his MSN Accounts and Facebook Accounts; I don't know how to hack so if anyone got any messages they were apparently from me! (I wonder how many people he fucked with while using the SCHOOL'S COMPUTERS to send messages to on his friends lists so they would think it was me?!?!?!"

I tore up the April Fool’s Day love letter into a million pieces since it was a nasty letter that said it loved my greasy hair (which isn’t and has never been greasy, nor have I ever smelled), along with how it loved my sniffing I randomly make I have sinus problems due to the brain injury that can’t be fixed either thanks to neglect, as mentioned in another post in this thread.

Anyway, the person that wrote it ended it with “Will you bare my child?” and signed it as Sango, the demon slayer since one of my favorite animes is Inuyasha.

I brought it to the principal but she was busy. I had an assignment due the next day and an important test that Friday. Since nobody in the group I was assigned to did any of the work, I had to work on it myself. My teacher was going to deduct marks for it being a day late when I told her I couldn’t hand it in but when she said she was going to deduct five marks I said “That’s ok with me. Just don’t give or factor my grade to the group I was assigned to since nobody else did the work.” I wrote ALL sixty answers, including six essays, by hand and handed it into her the next day. I got it back a few days later – I received a 99%; she decided not to deduct the five marks when she saw I did it all myself. I only had one short answer question wrong.

I ended up tearing up the letter and pretended it was a “nice” letter (I found out Amy did it since her lowercase “I”’s matched the ones in the letter; I didn’t have the letter anymore and I knew she would deny it plus he principal would probably dismiss it since she would tell the principal it was a joke, yet if it happened to someone else they would be punished but because it’s me you can say and do whatever you want to me and get away with it but if I say or do anything, or if you lie and say I said or did something, even just to shut up, I get punished).
 
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That said, we are going to merge your posts into one, because with 4 different threads it's going to push other people's posts back, and that could leave them unattended, so we will merge your posts into one thread and keep it in order
 
Neither Nick nor another person that pretended to be my friend (same first name as the bully that beat me up and wrote the fake April Fool's Day love letter) for FOUR FUCKING YEARS said they didn’t know who wrote it.

I stopped being friends with her after Nick made that post since she didn’t speak to him about it, she never defended me when I was bullied (or when Nick made his allegations that I hacked his accounts), nor did she even help me when I got injured and fell while waiting with her to get into a stadium. When I got in, her along with her friends that were waiting with us, were sitting there together. At the end some random boy was sitting there. The girl just shrugged at me. Yet she saved a seat for one of her other friends later IN THE SAME FUCKING STADIUM. And she was caught lying when she said a friend took her paper of who she wanted to sit with at the 2008 Grad (that my mom forced me to go to); she claimed it was taken before she could put my name down. I found out, from the person that took it, that she lied – she gave it to the person. I ended up sitting with someone who I was sort of friends with (the person had mild Asperger’s Syndrome and was quiet but honest; however she had an extremely religious, strict father who made my dad feel like shit – he told my dad, who is in a wheelchair, that if he prayed enough he would be able to walk again); I also had to sit with three other people I don’t like, two of which are bullies; the irony is we all have “invisible” disabilities so were grouped together to a table.

We also had the “Humor Awards” – things like “Most Likely To Die Studying” and “Most Likely To Take Over The World”. I was one of the nominees for “Most Likely To Take Over The World” (but didn’t win). I looked over to the table Amy was in. I quietly asked her if she was one of the people that nominated me. She nodded. This was another way for the people to say “Scary Terry”. (I wonder if I won would something be dumped on me like Carrie White? It eerily feels like it would. I actually wish I had her powers – I’m not violent but I would use her powers if I had them given all the shit I had - and still have - to put up with.)

All of this has made me exhausted. I am sick of people treating me like shit. I want to die. Badly. I even tried Friday night to mix bleach and ammonia and it didn’t even work yet I was in a bathroom with no ventilation, window, and the door was closed. That was my final attempt; I have tried everything and either got sick, the item wouldn’t work, or nothing happened. I don’t trust the accuracy of slitting wrists and there’s no electrical outlet in the bathroom for me to plug in a stereo or something and throw it in the water with me in it.

I tried seeking mental health support but, as stated in an earlier post, that isn’t possible. The mental health hospital dismissed me almost every time and I left 99% of the time feeling mentally and/or emotionally sicker than I felt before I went in. My family doctor knows that I have no options with prescriptions and therapy has been a farce - we don’t even have proper Telehealth here – they send you an e-mail and say you’ll have an appointment in the next hour but you will get the e-mail randomly and I’m not attached to the computer 24/7 nor do I constantly get e-mail notifications on my cellphone. I haven’t even been able to avail of that – they can e-mail you any day so it’s not necessarily the same day you send in your request or even the next day that they respond.

After all I experienced I have a BIG FUCK YOU attitude to just about everyone. I’m not holding the door open for strangers anymore, not helping someone if they fall down, I’m not doing ANY of the things I use to do before I came to this decision. I said it before but broke my promise. This time, I MEAN IT.

I was nice to people and would hold doors open and be friendly but I rarely (and I mean RARELY) have that reciprocated. As stated earlier, I’m not “Barney The Dinosaur” type friendly nor am I overly friendly but I’m treated like a fucking pariah when I’m nice. I see people being excessively nice that look horrible and they get more respect. I guess it’s because I wasn’t born in Newfoundland, even though I grew up here since I was one year old. I didn’t adapt the “Only be nice to be nosy way” that I have found Newfoundlanders have (and they're nice to tourists which is why everyone wants to come here :rolleyes:). I don’t care how many ATVs you have or if you drink, smoke, do drugs, gamble, or any other “bad” habit. The last time I drank was December 2018 – I was driven to drink by a bully that had picked me up in a taxi. I would have gotten out but it was nighttime so I didn’t – from now on I do if I get a taxi; I gave the bully a different street address since I feared she might come back later.

If any Newfoundlander sees this realize this has been my experience since I lived here – and I lived everywhere in this province because of my mom’s job so it’s not one place. Newfoundlanders might be friendly but they’re not to me. I guess because I don’t fit EXACTLY into their mold of what they like I’m kicked aside and treated like trash.

There is no more holding doors open from me, or anything else “courteous”. I have been considered retarded for that. I literally overheard a security guard say it once because I held it for someone that was coming behind me (she made comments about my Simple-Partial Seizures too since I would get both the Overwhelming Sense Of Fear Ones And The Ones With The Smell Of Raw Sewage; yet it didn't make shit of a difference that I told them about the seizures just in case).

My decision to stop being courteous became official after my mom kicked me out on Friday for showing emotion. She pays me to be treated like shit (that’s what I consider the pay for since I have a little bit left over every time the rent is taken) so I will be nice and courteous to her and anyone closely associated with her. I know I sound like a bitch that’s complaining but I don’t care. I have a new way of life: unless you’re paying me to be treated like shit (I consider that part of the pay for working in stores, restaurants, etc.) and/or are a co-worker or closely associated to the person paying me, I will not put up with your shit – I will treat you THE EXACT SAME WAY YOU’RE TREATING ME. If you’re nice to me, I’ll be nice to you. But if you’re rude for no reason, I will respond with the same tone and wording (no, I'm not repeating your words) – because I figure that’s the way you want to be treated, you’re doing it to me. Treat others the way you want to be treated. If I’m rude by accident, I apologize – something mom (and others) NEVER DO – THEY JUST EXPECT ME TO TAKE IT. I do now, only because she’s paying me. But other than that, if you’re an asshole to me, I will treat you the same way back. It happened recently and I gave the man the same treatment back and then looked at him and said “Isn’t that the way you want me to respond? You just used the same tone and wording to me” and walked away. The man stared with his mouth open in shock.

Thanks to all of this my big FUCK YOU attitude is to just about everyone. Fuck mom and anyone associated with her; fuck you doctors and nurses for treating me like shit (My intuition says that if I had the Coronavirus and went to the emergency room I would be dismissed and sent home, even though I have breathing problems, because I have a brain injury – I read about people in minority groups like me having this happen to them); fuck you Eastern Health for lying to me from practically the beginning (since I had the first Grand-Mal Seizure when I was two years old and my family was told - BY THE HOSPITAL - that I would be referred to a pediatric neurologist but I never was); fuck the Royal Newfoundland Constabulary for not only not doing anything when I was assaulted but for charging me for assault WHEN I WAS HAVING A SEIZURE; fuck you to the nurse that charged me with assault; fuck the hospital for lying about the name on the file; fuck everyone associated with school (bullies included); fuck you administrators of that local website for not only not removing the thread but also contributing to it; fuck my ex-boyfriend that made me quit various websites; fuck his little administrator friends who decided to kick me out even if what he said is much worse and way more vulgar; and FUCK EVERYONE THAT BULLIED ME WHEN I WAS A CHILD – I DIDN’T LIST THE THINGS FROM WHEN I WAS A CHILD BUT I HAD TO PLAY FUCKING DEAD IN ORDER TO GET TEEN BULLIES TO STOP THROWING WATER BALLOONS AT ME; I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD AND CAN HOLD MY BREATH WHEN NEEDED, FOR SOME REASON THE RESPIRATORY ISSUES ALLOW THAT.

I even had kids throw Halloween candy at me on a school bus when I was nine years old living halfway across Newfoundland and I cut it out of my hair and removed it from my clothes myself (I didn’t screw up my hair or ruin my clothes) and the kids got away with it since it’s me nobody gives a fuck but if it was a “normal” person they would.

I might be 31 years old and secretly have imaginary friends and an imaginary physician that’s also my friend (all in my dream world – I wish I could dream about Rescue Heroes all the time since it might have saved me from making this post because I wouldn’t have been as depressed or made a suicide attempt on Friday) but if you think I’m delayed because of that or overreacting to everything I have gone through than I challenge you to go through EVERYTHING (AND I MEAN EVERYTHING, NOT JUST WHAT I LISTED) I EXPERIENCED AND WHEN YOU TELL ME I’LL DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID TO ME – DISMISS YOU AND/OR MAKE YOU FEEL EMOTIONALLY UNWELL OR MENTALLY UNWELL (OR WORSEN HOW YOU ALREADY FEEL EMOTIONALLY OR MENTALLY) TOO SINCE ISN’T THAT THE WAY YOU EXPECT ME TO ACT TO YOU?

People have made fun of people that stay home most of the time, calling them lazy since they rarely leave the house. I don’t think they’re lazy. I think those people had enough face-to-face social encounters with people who make it safer to just stay home. I know this since I’m now officially one of the people who will rarely leave.

I have had it with being treated like shit. I wasn’t like this before but I now changed; fuck every single one of you who has treated me like shit – even the ones who think they’re not doing anything wrong, yet if I say what they say I’m wrong, even if it’s the same situation. For everyone that treated me this way I have one message: FUCK YOU ALL.

Please note that I don't normally curse this much but everything, especially Friday, has made me finally snap. I can't take this shit anymore. I want to watch the goriest revenge film I can find since my anger and upset is 1000% WORSE mostly thanks to the health care system. Since I'm not able to take medical marijuana anymore due to verbal abuse (and costs) from my mom I won't be taking it, instead, I will just do what I did before we got Softgels in 2019 - suffer but this time I'm not going anywhere unless it's to "work" (my mom's house; I consider that a job now), see the person that I have to pretend to agree that I'm always at fault (yet when I do what someone does that I told this "counsellor", that told me there's nothing wrong with what the person said or did to me, she's the only one I can see since she's associated with mom, however I don't consider her a counsellor at all, I just consider her another customer for my service to be treated like shit). I'm told off for doing the same things that other people, including my mom do, double standards; I guess there's a completely separate set of rules for people like me), That's what I'm supposed to do anyway, if there is a God I'm paying the price for whatever I did in my past life. I'm back to suffering and I don't think there's anything to save me this time. I went to bed Friday night hoping I would die, badly. I woke up on Saturday and was disappointed (and thought it was Sunday.

This isn't a "poor me" thread but it's to highlight what amount abuse one person can go through before they finally break. I keep wishing for death. I guess I have a long life sentence ahead of me before I get my wish. I'm done with life now. I'm just waiting for my number to be called. I was done years ago but especially now. I don't have a job, nobody will listen to me, I'm a fucking scapegoat, I only have imaginary friends, so why the fuck should I bother with this anymore?!?!?!?! I'm going to sleep hoping for death each night, especially since I can't even get the proper health care I need.
 
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Thank you. If people are nasty this time though (and get away with it), then I'm going to assume they expect that treatment since why treat someone the way you DON'T want to be treated? :)
 
No problem. Ok I've merged everything into one. Since you posted part 4 after part 5, there's not really a way to switch their places, but I've edited them and added part 4 + part 5 at the top. Hopefully that works for you
 
If someone's nasty let me know and I will deal with them. TDS has a no nastiness policy so people have to leave the bullshit at the door or I will infract them.
 
Everyone needs an outlet. Do you like to write? I write a lot of poetry but get its dark. Feels nice.
 
Snafu of the Forest said:
Everyone needs an outlet. Do you like to write? I write a lot of poetry but get its dark. Feels nice.
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Did you see my post that said "Mallory and I are VERY similar-looking; I have curly brown hair while she has curly red hair, we both wear glasses, we both wear/had to wear braces (I wore mine for three years when it was supposed to be 22 months, I was scammed by an orthodontist when I was a teen since my dentist, hygienist, and everyone else wondered why I had braces long after 22 months – it turned out he was keeping patients for a long time for the money, which I think Mallory had to deal with too – an asshole orthodontist that scammed her).

We also both volunteered at a day camp, we have both babysat (I wasn’t part of any club though), we both love to read and write (I like writing Rescue Heroes fanfictions, I started writing in May 2007, and reading, but I enjoy suspense and thriller while she likes reading and writing horse stories)"? I don't mean to be rude but it was answered in that post. I'm just reposting that part since I don't feel like being a parrot anymore. I'm exhausted and sick of it all.

I won't delete this thread but I won't be posting anything else; I have a feeling that I'm just unwanted. After all, I had users who complained about my posts AND ones who said things to me that admins found no problem with but are definitely rude.

I don't care if this makes me sound crazy: If, when we all die, I get to choose who goes to Heaven or Hell (I'm not thinking I'm God or anything like that; I heard that "judgement day" will come when the "chosen person" that's currently on earth dies. I go through so much shit (and am probably "too sensitive" but if you went through what I did go through and am still going through you might feel different). Either way, if I get to choose, EVERY human on this planet is going straight to Hell; I don't know about me since I'm certainly not treated like a human being, if I was none of this shit would have happened that I posted about. Instead, ANIMALS deserve to go to Heaven, even vicious cats and dogs since I'm pretty sure that some of them became vicious due to their owners' behaviour. That might not be true but I was held accountable for SEVERAL THINGS I NEVER DID. I was held accountable and blamed so shouldn't owners of vicious animals, even if it was unintentional or the animal had issues of its own? I am blamed for things I never did/held accountable for things I am not responsible for so I think it's only fair it happens to others too (and this applies to ANYONE).
 
I would be glad to be your friend if you want. Send me a PM.

it's to highlight what amount abuse one person can go through before they finally break.
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Given you're still around and could write that post, you haven't entirely "broken".

Either way, if I get to choose, EVERY human on this planet is going straight to Hell;
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If it makes you feel any better the way I see it, a lot of people are already in Hell, and when they die there is nothing but oblivion.

Just some other ramblings, take these or leave em:

I think that it never hurts to try to be a force of positivity, even in the face of overwhelming negativity. Try to spread positivity rather than dispense hate.

You are absolutely deserving of medical care. I know nurses/doctors may not be the friendliest sometimes, but if you go there with the attitude that they all don't give a shit... it reflects off of others.
It seems ridiculous that they would not admit you for a brain injury, there must be some additional reason. I think if you ever found someone to act as an advocate to bring with you that the situation would change. (Also I don't think they were "buying your silence" with clonazepam - after all it does have utility as an anticonvulsant).

There is nothing wrong with finding comfort in old cartoons, writing fan fiction, and even having imaginary friends. Having stuffed animals, "dolls", action figures, Lego, etc. as an "adult" is also perfectly fine. Cherish these things and admit you do with pride and confidence. The world is too fucked up to repress your imagination.

BUT I HAD TO PLAY FUCKING DEAD IN ORDER TO GET TEEN BULLIES TO STOP THROWING WATER BALLOONS AT ME;
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This reminds me of one of my favourite outsider artists, Brian Lewis Saunders - he had a similarly awful upbringing to yours - he did a whole album of spoken word "rants" called Near Death Experience. I think you would like the whole album.

Keep writing and ranting! Anger and negativity needs a healthy outlet.

You will have to excuse my "arrogance" here, but the way I see it, 2008 was ~13 years ago. I know those times were tough for you but dwelling on it too much will not do you any favors. You are not going to be able to change anything that happened.

I think that disconnecting from your mother entirely would probably help you feel somewhat better. Malignant narcissists do not belong in anyone's lives. The same goes for anyone who treats you badly.
You are a full grown adult, there is no reason she should have as much control over you as she does.

I also think that you should try to develop a more zen attitude if possible. Yes, people may act hateful towards you, but you are in control of how you react. Talk is cheap. Let it roll off your back like water off a duck.
 
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