Hi guys, I don't know if someone remember me but I used to be more active on the forum but then I got a job, my father died and other things that doesn't matter right now. I'm here to talk about the substance I always talk about here because it is my nemesis for about, I don't know, almost a year? Maybe less but the point isn't about when I started abusing Ritalin but why I started. Long story short, personally cocaine never was an option for me because I was absolutely certain that it wasn't the kind of high for me. I'm already very anxious and energetic (when I'm not depressed) so why use something that could possibly make me fall into an anxiety hole? So I never did cocaine but I've used weed a lot of times and I think it is really nice if I'm in the mood and since I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I started taking Klonopin to help my insomnia (that I've always had since I was just a kid but never tried to get some help) and anxiety attacks. I'm not gonna mention all the medications I took because the focus here is on the benzos and Ritalin, so... what I was talking? Right. Since I've been prescribed Klonopin it took only 1 month and a half to go from "Okay, it is working" to "Shit, it isn't working that much" to "Okay, it isn't working anymore, what if I take two pills instead of only one?".
I thin it is somehow a classic behaviour, I don't know. But then I started taking 2, 3, 4, 5 and then 10 pills (2mg) every night. So I go to the doctor and explained my state and relationship with the medication, he seems a little worried but doens't say anything but "That is normal, just try not do the same with the next." So he prescribed me Xanax (2mg), one pill every day and needless to say my body wasn't reacting to the xanax after a month or two taking the dosage my doctor prescribed. So I was abusing xanax now and not even to get high, I just wanted some sleep. Abused Xanax for several months until I traveled and forgot to take the pills with me and had a seizure because of the withdrawal. All right, my sleep ever was kinda fucked up, then I discovered that I had bipolar, started my treatment and discovered that my body has a tolerance to benzos so no matter what kind my doctor give to me, soon it'll loose it's effects and I'll probably abuse it. OK, seizure happened then I've stopped with the Xanax and started taking Valium. My doctor said it was less dangerous because it stays in my system for a long period of time so if I took it correctly it will make me sleep and less anxious. Valium is great and I keep using it and after the Xanax incident I decided to slowly stop taking benzos so I'll probably try to ask for Stilnox (the highest dose possible) for my sleep troubles that I have and keep the valium only on emergency cases like a panic attack on the job or on the cafe, I hope everyone is understandng.
So now is finally 2019, I'm on my treatment taking Amytriptiline (50mg per day) every night with two Valiums (20mg) and, sometimes, if can't fall s leep the doc also prescribed me Risperidone (2mg) that I only use in extreme cases (which I avoide since day one cause when I sleep with risperidon I'll propably kill myself cause the next day cause that shit makes me fucking depressed like death. So this was my life since I took my last line of Ritalin, that was on the beggining of 2019, probably february or march. Since then I've focused on my personal life, job, treatment, music and the gigs I was doing, etc. I was focusing on anything because if I stopped one second I would get depressed and shit. But for some reason I wasn't even missing the ritalin at all.
Okay, we're on October and in the beggining of May I fell into the biggest and darkest state of depression that I've ever had. I was really depressed, totally forget what was cleaning my bed and my body, and every day it was getting worse and worse and my treatment was still going. I was with my meds and cigs but the hole only opened more and more but I was keep going the best I could. And last week, after months of depression and treatment and mostly important without any medicine abuse I bought a box of Ritalin. I gave up because I was starting to get suicidal and I had to do something and I just came back to snorting Ritalin. "Shit", I think to myself. I was going to break and throw away all of those months without it. But fuck, I needed it (in my mind, at least) to give me some burst of life even if it was a short peak with a comedown that would probably catch up with the depression I was trying to hide with the Ritalin. I bought a box on the last tuesday and started snorting it every day. I was doing lines but didn't stopped my treatment, I kept taking my antidepressants and valiums. I was feeling obviously great, months without it just made me forgot I was depressed. Then I kept snorting it day by day, bought another box and kept the binge. I was taking the powder in a ziplock to use it at the work, parties or every place that had a bathroom when I needed.
And now I'm here, writing this and just snorted my lasts 30mg just to finish it until I buy another box on monday. And why I wrote this textwall? Despite the fact I'm lonely and my therapist is on vacation so I'm basically alone with my depression I also think I need to hear from someone anything. Good or bad, I just need to hear from anyone an answer. Am I somehow a addict and need to stop right now and seek for help before I just have an O.D or the fact that I totally handled in the best way possible all those months without using it and only went for the thing because I was desperate so it doesn't put me on a place so bad and I can just use it until my doctor come back from the vacation and tell him everything and then stop again, cold turkey like the last time? I'm afraid, guys. Like, I snorted my last three pills because I felt the need to end it because I knew that if I went to sleep and wake up with only three pills I was probably freak out cause it doesn't maintain the high that I need to go on somedays. So the last friday I decided that I was go out and try to live my life, snort ritalin and have a good time. It was really awesome but yeah now I'm writing this down thinking "Jesus, I'm so fucking lonely and my nose is completely fucked up so I'm only breathing with the mouth, etc." I'm depressed and using these fucking pills to hide something that eventually will come back. But the comedown I'm having it isn't nothing next to my normal day before I went back to abusing and binging it.
I'm so, so sorry for the lenght of this text but I needed to talk about it and I'm literally alone in my room smoking and taking another Klonopin to see if I sleep soon. I'm sorry guys, really am. Love you all.
I thin it is somehow a classic behaviour, I don't know. But then I started taking 2, 3, 4, 5 and then 10 pills (2mg) every night. So I go to the doctor and explained my state and relationship with the medication, he seems a little worried but doens't say anything but "That is normal, just try not do the same with the next." So he prescribed me Xanax (2mg), one pill every day and needless to say my body wasn't reacting to the xanax after a month or two taking the dosage my doctor prescribed. So I was abusing xanax now and not even to get high, I just wanted some sleep. Abused Xanax for several months until I traveled and forgot to take the pills with me and had a seizure because of the withdrawal. All right, my sleep ever was kinda fucked up, then I discovered that I had bipolar, started my treatment and discovered that my body has a tolerance to benzos so no matter what kind my doctor give to me, soon it'll loose it's effects and I'll probably abuse it. OK, seizure happened then I've stopped with the Xanax and started taking Valium. My doctor said it was less dangerous because it stays in my system for a long period of time so if I took it correctly it will make me sleep and less anxious. Valium is great and I keep using it and after the Xanax incident I decided to slowly stop taking benzos so I'll probably try to ask for Stilnox (the highest dose possible) for my sleep troubles that I have and keep the valium only on emergency cases like a panic attack on the job or on the cafe, I hope everyone is understandng.
So now is finally 2019, I'm on my treatment taking Amytriptiline (50mg per day) every night with two Valiums (20mg) and, sometimes, if can't fall s leep the doc also prescribed me Risperidone (2mg) that I only use in extreme cases (which I avoide since day one cause when I sleep with risperidon I'll propably kill myself cause the next day cause that shit makes me fucking depressed like death. So this was my life since I took my last line of Ritalin, that was on the beggining of 2019, probably february or march. Since then I've focused on my personal life, job, treatment, music and the gigs I was doing, etc. I was focusing on anything because if I stopped one second I would get depressed and shit. But for some reason I wasn't even missing the ritalin at all.
Okay, we're on October and in the beggining of May I fell into the biggest and darkest state of depression that I've ever had. I was really depressed, totally forget what was cleaning my bed and my body, and every day it was getting worse and worse and my treatment was still going. I was with my meds and cigs but the hole only opened more and more but I was keep going the best I could. And last week, after months of depression and treatment and mostly important without any medicine abuse I bought a box of Ritalin. I gave up because I was starting to get suicidal and I had to do something and I just came back to snorting Ritalin. "Shit", I think to myself. I was going to break and throw away all of those months without it. But fuck, I needed it (in my mind, at least) to give me some burst of life even if it was a short peak with a comedown that would probably catch up with the depression I was trying to hide with the Ritalin. I bought a box on the last tuesday and started snorting it every day. I was doing lines but didn't stopped my treatment, I kept taking my antidepressants and valiums. I was feeling obviously great, months without it just made me forgot I was depressed. Then I kept snorting it day by day, bought another box and kept the binge. I was taking the powder in a ziplock to use it at the work, parties or every place that had a bathroom when I needed.
And now I'm here, writing this and just snorted my lasts 30mg just to finish it until I buy another box on monday. And why I wrote this textwall? Despite the fact I'm lonely and my therapist is on vacation so I'm basically alone with my depression I also think I need to hear from someone anything. Good or bad, I just need to hear from anyone an answer. Am I somehow a addict and need to stop right now and seek for help before I just have an O.D or the fact that I totally handled in the best way possible all those months without using it and only went for the thing because I was desperate so it doesn't put me on a place so bad and I can just use it until my doctor come back from the vacation and tell him everything and then stop again, cold turkey like the last time? I'm afraid, guys. Like, I snorted my last three pills because I felt the need to end it because I knew that if I went to sleep and wake up with only three pills I was probably freak out cause it doesn't maintain the high that I need to go on somedays. So the last friday I decided that I was go out and try to live my life, snort ritalin and have a good time. It was really awesome but yeah now I'm writing this down thinking "Jesus, I'm so fucking lonely and my nose is completely fucked up so I'm only breathing with the mouth, etc." I'm depressed and using these fucking pills to hide something that eventually will come back. But the comedown I'm having it isn't nothing next to my normal day before I went back to abusing and binging it.
I'm so, so sorry for the lenght of this text but I needed to talk about it and I'm literally alone in my room smoking and taking another Klonopin to see if I sleep soon. I'm sorry guys, really am. Love you all.
