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If your partner lies a lot about little shit, does that mean theyd lie if you

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Billnyetheguy

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Dec 31, 2017
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If your partner lies a lot about little shit, does that mean theyd lie if you confronted them about cheating? My wife has lie to me in the past about little shit like purchases made and hiding cigarettes. Weve been married for 8 years and also in the very first year of our marriage she changed her password to her social media account (keep in mind we both knew each others PWs) and started talking to an EX. saying there was no ill intent he was just a friend. well the suspicious part was the fact that she changed her password that remained the same since shes had the account right before talking to someone else. I would like to trust her. but lately shes been distant, no intimacy, passion, etc. I just want my wife i fell for back
 
Sorry dude but her actions sure look like someone trying to be deceptive, from where I stand at least. I mean just taking it all in, distant, lack of passion, sneaking passwords etc., talking to an ex and her history of "little lies". This is not the formula for a long and happy marriage. At this point, no action/reaction on your part equals doomed marriage, no two ways around it.
 
Hi,

In a nutshell yes. It seems from what you describe that lying is kind of ingrained into her personality, which means it comes easy and is a way of life for her. I think you are headed for serious problems with your relationship with her. I am really sorry about that for you.
 
Surely you woulda known before marriage if she was a compulsive liar or not.

Expecting people to change with such problems is like expecting a brick wall to change into a money tree.

Its just not gonna happen over night.

Sure knock down the wall but start building with your partner.
 
I think so.
My ex lied about things to other people but said he wouldn't lie to me and he let me in on all the lies he'd say to other people (and I'd cover for him if asked becuase I was kind of a pushover). Well then he cheated and lied about many parts of that. So small lies.... I mean maybe on the rare occasion might be okay.... but if it's consistent.... I'd be worried.
 
lying is a behaviour pattern everyone does it but some people do it for everything and thats different to "no i dont think you look terrible in that outfit" where you lie to stop them getting upset
 
In relationships we have differing levels of honesty, these also change over time. How you react to your partner when they deliver difficult news (that dress isn't complimenting you) changes how honest they are with you.

Because I use marijuana medically (daily) I have some issues with short term memory, lying just doesn work well I can never remember if I didn't tell the truth so I just always do. It gets me a lot of hate but over time most of it passes. My partner doesn't enjoy it, despite knowing all and being able to ask me anything and get the truth, apparently some lies are preferred, based solely on his reaction. It has stressed our relationship that I can not hide some issues, at least temporarily. He doesn't want me to live a lie but just keep some things to myself until there is a right time to discuss it. As painful as some truths have been we are on our 16th year together, it is working, it isn't what we expected and it is harder.

Learning that I couldn't change my partner but I could change the way my partner acted toward me by changing how I reacted to his actions has helped a lot.

One thing we both have agreed is that my switch from raging alcoholic to near egoless marijuana addict has kept our relationship from ending. Someday we may look back and decide ending long ago would have been better but today we are at least happy enough together to be glad we are.

The second positive relationship effect of marijuana is better sex, it can make up for the fat pants comments.
 
The talking to the ex thing started at the beginning of our marriage (we are on year 8 now) when she was pregnant with our first daughter. I treated her very well then. Giving back and foot rubs, getting anything she wanted or went anywhere she asked. But like I said, she's lied about little things like purchases and smoking cigs behind my back. If it wasn't for the fact that she talked to the ex back then I might not think anything of it
 
Hi Bill,

I am not sure what you are saying now, but you had some reason for posting a few days ago. It appeared that you felt that the totality of these lies about passwords and the old boyfriend, plus the "little" lies about cigarettes and purchases, coupled with her becoming distant and passionless of late were raising red flags for you about whether she was trustworthy. I wonder from your last post if you do not trust her and that she has become distant from you because she knows you don't? I do not know this for a fact, but it appears that perhaps you have never gotten past her contacting the old boyfriend 8 years ago when she changed her password(s) to do that and are using these other two small lies as fuel to keep this mistrust of her going, that you feel betrayed by what she did with her old boyfriend at a time when you were treating her very well and that no matter how hard you have tried to be a good husband and put it behind you, it has not worked? What do you think?

There is no way anyone can tell if your wife is trustworthy if she tells white lies occasionally now and talked with an old boyfriend eight years ago. But, if any of what I asked you above could be true, then I think you and your wife need to talk and hash things out about trust and the concerns that both of you have about the other person.

If you can talk about all this with her and you both are honest with one another, it bodes well for an amicable resolution to your issues, but you are going to have to be able to forgive her for what she did eight years ago and she needs to stop lying, or you don't have a prayer of putting things on track.
 
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tell her to cut all contact with ex, tell her it makes you uncomfortable, and see what she says. If she actually values your marriage she will say "okay" and cut contact.
 
She's full of shit. I've been catching my b/f in little lies here and there. I've had to tell him to cut off contact with an ex or that he's been too close to a female friend. He's done what I've asked, but there's still suspicion lurking on my part.

You really need to get down to the bottom of this. Like protovac said, tell her to cut ALL ties with that ex. If she keeps acting shady, maybe you need to get rid of her.

Do you have any kids? I see you mentioned a daughter. Once trust is broken, it's really hard to look at your partner the same way.

You said she's emotionally distant. I'm sorry, but that usually means she's into someone else. I hope you can work things out and if she doesn't come clean, you deserve better.
 
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