I think my BF may be an addict.....but he won't admit it

[Blackice26]

I need help. I think the guy I've been dating for a year is an addict. I think his DOC is crack cocaine.I know what addiction looks like as my dad is an addict and has been most my life. I've even asked my BF and he said no..never. We work at the same place PT and he lives with mom.we don't make alot of money but he is always broke. .he doesn't technically disappear on days when he has money..he goes through eating binges where he acts as if he hasn't ate in weeks. He knows how I feel about drug use and I won't accept it in my life so maybe I've been too hard to allow him to open.his family treats him as an outcast and he has no real friends. .so I would never stop being his friend.but how do I get him to really tell me the truth or should I allow time to reveal and nor push it further.

 

[Bearlove]

You have asked and he has told you he isn't using. What you do next is your choice - If you think he is lying then do you really want to get into a relationship with a guy who is lying to you?

I'll move this over to SLR.

Welcome to the site

 

[belligerent drunk]

You said it yourself, you won't accept drug use in your life no matter what. So it's not really unexpected that he'd be hiding his drug use from you IF he was using. Maybe you need to be more accepting of people, and then they won't feel the need to lie to you.

 

[Bagseed]

do you have any actual evidence that he is using drugs? what makes you so certain that it is crack?

 

[polymath]

My opinion is that if someone is addicted to things like crack, meth (or ethyl alcohol for that matter), that fuck up a person's thinking and cognition, and they're denying their problem, it's not very likely that a relationship with them is going to be very successful. You can't reason with them, and the drug is always first in their priorities. Someone who's opioid dependent and is stable on methadone or has some other safe uninterrupted supply of their drug might be another matter.

Problem users of stimulants such as crack or meth can usually be identified from signs such as bad teeth and scars from excessive scratching (stimulants make you itch because they activate sympathetic nerves).

 

[Ligaturd]

If you really believe that it is happening, find a way to approach him about it that wont be so harsh. Approach it with empathy, don't make it seem like revealing the truth will cause them to lose you. You suspect, pretty much believe it to be true and you are still his friend. If it is true or even if it isn't true, it doesn't have to be something that ends your friendship.

If it is true. Don't pressure them to quit, that breeds resentment and never tends to really help. You can help by still being their friend and being there in that capacity when they are ready to quit. Addicts are stigmatized, people tend to treat them like garbage when they know, like lesser beings. Every addict needs people in their life that treat them like a human being and are there when it matters.

Don't dismiss the possibility that maybe your suspicions are incorrect though. Sometimes people can see things that aren't there and only because they are looking for it. It makes sense that you would be weary with an addict dad. Maybe your suspicions are correct as well. From your post you already seem to have somewhat the right idea.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

You said it yourself, you won't accept drug use in your life no matter what. So it's not really unexpected that he'd be hiding his drug use from you IF he was using. Maybe you need to be more accepting of people, and then they won't feel the need to lie to you.

Mhmm, I agree ^

What will he gain if he opens up to you? He'll lose you as a gf? Lose you as his only friend?
Why should he tell you?

 

[llama112]

Do you even know if he uses recreationally?

Addicts are humans. You generally need to wait until he has decided it's time. If you care about him, you will help him overcome it. IF it this problem even exists.

Why are you completely against drug use? That comes off as a bit judgemental.

 

[Ligaturd]

It sounds like she had a problematic relationship with her dad, that's why she is weary. It's maybe something to look out for. Sometimes we subconsciously seek out and emulate relationships with parental figures. So maybe just as you are weary of being with an addict, perhaps you could have been subconsciously drawn to it.

Not all addicts are the same though, I wouldn't expect everything to be the same as your relationship with your dad based on this alone. It does really help if there are no barriers in communication or things obscured by fear of rejection or judgement (if he is actually hiding an addiction), your outspoken aversion to it would most likely be the reason why he would hide it. Creating an atmosphere free of judgement and full of understanding and empathy would help prevent it from being or becoming a problem. At the same time, don't let yourself be walked all over if it is the case.

I hope you can attain an open and honest relationship or even just ensure that things are structured in a way that doesn't breed resentment for either of you and it can stay a supportive relationship even if that means just being friends.

 

[B.Love214]

My husband and I both use meth recreational and he used heroin when I had first met him. He "quit" at one point, but I "suspected" (aka: KNEW) he was using again. I had found foil, baggies, black smudges on the counter tops and he started using the restroom multiple times a day for long periods of time with the water running. (RED FLAG!) Not to mention I could not only smell it coming from the bathroom when he was done, but it changed his whole body chemistry. Anyways, after many failed attempts at confronting him (even with evidence) he still denied. Finally when one day when we were really getting along, I just said to him "I'm not saying you're using and I'm not saying you're not. All I'm going to say is, if you're going to do it, I would rather you just do it in front of me and be upfront instead of keeping secrets and lying to me. (which ultimately was tearing us apart)". Like magic, he ended up confessing right then and there (treading lightly at first). I don't care for it myself but I love my husband and accept him for who he is here and now. For better or worse.a

I guess I'm saying, if you love him, you will stick by him. If you can't look past it or be supportive in battling his demons, then it wasn't meant to be and you both shouldn't drag a relationship headed for disaster on any longer.

Good Luck.

 

[SS373dOH]

If you can't tell, then it probably isn't affecting you all that much, so why judge someone, or not date them, if you would find out they use?

But look for addict behavior, gone a lot, short on cash, seems speedy, paraphenalia, and a lot of crack smokers have black on their hands from the oxidation on the pipe or foil, so definetely look for that.


- Hopeless 7nos