Hi all. So my doc prescribes me 2400mg gabapentin for sleep and anxiety(FUCK my doctor). I've never taken the gabbys regularly. I used to abuse them 2 years ago. Back then i'd take anywhere from 5-15 grams and get a slight "dizzy buzz". i'd do this for weeks at a time, then stop and I never had an issue. I completely stopped taking them, and i built up a giant stash. In november, i became depressed and started abusing them again. I started at 2 or 3 grams, but it built up VERY fast, and in no time i was taking 8 grams. I wasnt taking it everyday, I would dose every other day, and this went on for 5 or 6 weeks.
I decided to stop the day before xmas. i began feeling normal wd symptoms-terrible headaches, insomnia, anxiety, SEVERE depression, dizziness, memory loss, speech difficulty, suicidal thoughts, and lack of interest in everything, and agitation. About 3 days in I noticed that i couldnt read. My vision was blurry and it felt like my eyes would dart over the page instead of moving smoothly. Even if I managed to read it I wouldnt be able to understand it. It was like a disconnect between reading and actually processing the information. I also noticed bad pain in my jaw that was constant. It feels like i cant hold my jaw in the correct place. I cant even sleep on my side because it hurts my jaw. I also began feeling pain in the top of my scalp. Im almost positive the night before these symptoms occurred i must have had a seizure.
My memory is SEVERELY damaged. Both long and short term. I cant remember what i did yesterday. I forget words mid sentence, forget what words mean, and stumble over my words pretty often. I find it hard to remember anything really. Also, i've noticed that i'm having trouble spelling words, which is HIGHLY uncharacteristic of myself. I've always been a spelling/grammar nazi. My vision has improved, and i can read and comprehend again, but i still feel a slight vision disturbance, and my comprehension is still muddled.
Some days seem better than others, sometimes i'll start off the day with a 3 hour episode of losing my mind with anxiety and forgetfulness, feeling nothing but utter dread that i've caused irreparable damage to my brain and i'll never be the same. The first week all i could think about was suicide, which was HELL. luckily the suicidal thoughts have passed, and most of the depression. After 10 days, i was afraid my symptoms were from brain damage from overdose or from a seizure, so on jan 2nd i took 1200mg and it just gave me that "dizzy buzz" on top of my symptoms. Jan 3rd and 4th i took 2400mg and again i just felt that "dizzy buzz" on top of all my symptoms, it only helped with the insomnia.
So i stopped taking it again, and I feel a bit better, but my memory and cognitive function seems severely impaired. I think I might have had a seizure in my sleep, which would explain this constant jaw pain i've had for over 2 weeks now, as well as the scalp pain, memory loss, etc. I used to be able to do mental math on like a savant level, and now i struggle to do basic math. My memory used to be a steel trap, and now i am so forgetful it scares the shit out of me and sends me into a whirlwind of anxiety and fear. I finally went to see my prescribing doc, and surprise surprise she didnt even know gabbys had any withdrawal. Her best course of action was to put me on a 3 day taper...I said no thanks. At this point i was 4 days since my last dose again, and felt that a 3 day taper would do absolutely nothing. Especially since when i dosed early january it didnt help at all.
We both agreed I should just stay on course and deal with it, but she called me 3 hours later and told me she wanted to put me on trileptal short term to prevent seizures and help stabilize my mood. I felt like taking more pills that would muddle my cognitive function and memory even further was the last thing i want to do, so i havent even filled the script. I found a few posts about ppl that have had seizures who got minor brain damage, and ALL their symptoms matched mine. The memory problems, unable to read for days, problems speaking, jaw pain, even ppl talking about not being able to do mental math! I was so fucking scared I went to the ER last night. They ran bloodwork and did a CT scan. They said everything looked normal, that they had no evidence i was having seizures. My problem with that is they were looking for physical symptoms like biting my tongue, bruising, etc and i think i had a seizure like 10 days ago when my vision/jaw problems started. I told the doc I still wanted an MRI just to be safe, but it wont be for another week. Also keep in mind i live in a very small town with VERY incompetent doctors.
So basically i went thru 10 days of hell, dosed regular amounts for 3 days, and its been 5 days since my last dose. I'm fucking TERRIFIED! I dont really feel any physical symptoms anymore other than this fucking jaw pain, which has spread to my left neck below my ear now. The mental symptoms are still debilitating. Some days I feel great, but my memory is still shit, and my cognitive thinking is still damaged. I have such trouble sleeping i had to go back on 30mg remeron at night, and that still barely helps. I should probably also mention that i take suboxone. i used to smoke weed(very small doses), but ever since the day my vision/jaw problems started i had to quit because i'll take ONE SMALL HIT and it sends me into the whirlwind of anxiety and dread. If i pull myself out of my head, so to speak, I can sometimes have a normal day...at least until i forget something and the fear/anxiety/panic comes rushing back.
i've had 5 seizures that i know of in the past when I detoxed off of a BAD benzo habit. I know what it feels like to come out of a seizure, so i dont think i've had a seizure while awake. I'm deathly afraid of going to sleep now, which doesnt help my insomnia. I wake up several times a night, and my eyes pop open and i'm instantly wide awake. i always just feel off. something is definitely wrong mentally. I dont know wtf to do. I called my doc today and told her i didnt think going on trileptal was a good idea, but i'm still afraid of having a seizure.
I know the blame for this is solely on my shoulders, and that makes it so much worse. I just constantly blame myself for practically ending my life. I swear to god my greatest fear has always been this-to lose my intellect and be fully aware of what i've lost. To become retarded and know that i'm retarded. I feel like my IQ dropped 30 points. I'm sorry for writing a fucking novel, but i'm just so fucking scared, and theres so much to my story. I've told it to 4 doctors now and NONE have been able to help me in the slightest. At first i thought i had bipolar or schizophrenia, but i've been able to determine that i definitely dont. If ANYONE can help shine some light on this for me i would be forever in your debt. i dont want to die, but i also dont want to have a severe seizure and live out the rest of my days as a vegetable. I dont want to burden my friends and family...god i'm such a fuck up.
I decided to stop the day before xmas. i began feeling normal wd symptoms-terrible headaches, insomnia, anxiety, SEVERE depression, dizziness, memory loss, speech difficulty, suicidal thoughts, and lack of interest in everything, and agitation. About 3 days in I noticed that i couldnt read. My vision was blurry and it felt like my eyes would dart over the page instead of moving smoothly. Even if I managed to read it I wouldnt be able to understand it. It was like a disconnect between reading and actually processing the information. I also noticed bad pain in my jaw that was constant. It feels like i cant hold my jaw in the correct place. I cant even sleep on my side because it hurts my jaw. I also began feeling pain in the top of my scalp. Im almost positive the night before these symptoms occurred i must have had a seizure.
My memory is SEVERELY damaged. Both long and short term. I cant remember what i did yesterday. I forget words mid sentence, forget what words mean, and stumble over my words pretty often. I find it hard to remember anything really. Also, i've noticed that i'm having trouble spelling words, which is HIGHLY uncharacteristic of myself. I've always been a spelling/grammar nazi. My vision has improved, and i can read and comprehend again, but i still feel a slight vision disturbance, and my comprehension is still muddled.
Some days seem better than others, sometimes i'll start off the day with a 3 hour episode of losing my mind with anxiety and forgetfulness, feeling nothing but utter dread that i've caused irreparable damage to my brain and i'll never be the same. The first week all i could think about was suicide, which was HELL. luckily the suicidal thoughts have passed, and most of the depression. After 10 days, i was afraid my symptoms were from brain damage from overdose or from a seizure, so on jan 2nd i took 1200mg and it just gave me that "dizzy buzz" on top of my symptoms. Jan 3rd and 4th i took 2400mg and again i just felt that "dizzy buzz" on top of all my symptoms, it only helped with the insomnia.
So i stopped taking it again, and I feel a bit better, but my memory and cognitive function seems severely impaired. I think I might have had a seizure in my sleep, which would explain this constant jaw pain i've had for over 2 weeks now, as well as the scalp pain, memory loss, etc. I used to be able to do mental math on like a savant level, and now i struggle to do basic math. My memory used to be a steel trap, and now i am so forgetful it scares the shit out of me and sends me into a whirlwind of anxiety and fear. I finally went to see my prescribing doc, and surprise surprise she didnt even know gabbys had any withdrawal. Her best course of action was to put me on a 3 day taper...I said no thanks. At this point i was 4 days since my last dose again, and felt that a 3 day taper would do absolutely nothing. Especially since when i dosed early january it didnt help at all.
We both agreed I should just stay on course and deal with it, but she called me 3 hours later and told me she wanted to put me on trileptal short term to prevent seizures and help stabilize my mood. I felt like taking more pills that would muddle my cognitive function and memory even further was the last thing i want to do, so i havent even filled the script. I found a few posts about ppl that have had seizures who got minor brain damage, and ALL their symptoms matched mine. The memory problems, unable to read for days, problems speaking, jaw pain, even ppl talking about not being able to do mental math! I was so fucking scared I went to the ER last night. They ran bloodwork and did a CT scan. They said everything looked normal, that they had no evidence i was having seizures. My problem with that is they were looking for physical symptoms like biting my tongue, bruising, etc and i think i had a seizure like 10 days ago when my vision/jaw problems started. I told the doc I still wanted an MRI just to be safe, but it wont be for another week. Also keep in mind i live in a very small town with VERY incompetent doctors.
So basically i went thru 10 days of hell, dosed regular amounts for 3 days, and its been 5 days since my last dose. I'm fucking TERRIFIED! I dont really feel any physical symptoms anymore other than this fucking jaw pain, which has spread to my left neck below my ear now. The mental symptoms are still debilitating. Some days I feel great, but my memory is still shit, and my cognitive thinking is still damaged. I have such trouble sleeping i had to go back on 30mg remeron at night, and that still barely helps. I should probably also mention that i take suboxone. i used to smoke weed(very small doses), but ever since the day my vision/jaw problems started i had to quit because i'll take ONE SMALL HIT and it sends me into the whirlwind of anxiety and dread. If i pull myself out of my head, so to speak, I can sometimes have a normal day...at least until i forget something and the fear/anxiety/panic comes rushing back.
i've had 5 seizures that i know of in the past when I detoxed off of a BAD benzo habit. I know what it feels like to come out of a seizure, so i dont think i've had a seizure while awake. I'm deathly afraid of going to sleep now, which doesnt help my insomnia. I wake up several times a night, and my eyes pop open and i'm instantly wide awake. i always just feel off. something is definitely wrong mentally. I dont know wtf to do. I called my doc today and told her i didnt think going on trileptal was a good idea, but i'm still afraid of having a seizure.
I know the blame for this is solely on my shoulders, and that makes it so much worse. I just constantly blame myself for practically ending my life. I swear to god my greatest fear has always been this-to lose my intellect and be fully aware of what i've lost. To become retarded and know that i'm retarded. I feel like my IQ dropped 30 points. I'm sorry for writing a fucking novel, but i'm just so fucking scared, and theres so much to my story. I've told it to 4 doctors now and NONE have been able to help me in the slightest. At first i thought i had bipolar or schizophrenia, but i've been able to determine that i definitely dont. If ANYONE can help shine some light on this for me i would be forever in your debt. i dont want to die, but i also dont want to have a severe seizure and live out the rest of my days as a vegetable. I dont want to burden my friends and family...god i'm such a fuck up.
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