- Joined
- Jul 8, 2017
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After 5 years of messing around with an old friend in a Karpman Drama Triangle, with my old friend playing the role of rescuer, me often the victim, and the persecutor being my dear father, I finally put boundaries in my life that are now being respected, considering the tremendous amount of bullshit I have put up from him over the years. I was at dinner with mum and I'd told myself now that I wasn't in a friendship with someone who made me feel like a perpetual victim, that the next chance I got would be to talk to her about dad. She brought it up for me and asked if I was angry at him, because he thinks I am. I said:
'Yes, yes I am angry at him. I am real mad.'
'What did he do?'
'What did he do? Where do I start? There's the issue of him not having my actual legal name in his phone after 7 years and when I asked him to update it I didn't get an apology, I got 'haha I forgot' instead (I'm trans, so having my actual name in his phone is sort of important to me). 'This was really hurtful mum, it shows me that he doesn't respect the name I chose for myself and my identity. It's not his choice. My name is my decision. And he said he forgot every single time I texted, which I find beyond unbelievable moving towards willful disregard for me in this matter.'
'I didn't know about that, I'm sorry.'
'Then there's the time he left me at a soccer carnival tournament 45 minutes away from home because I called him a hypocrite in front of my friend and he said I was disrespectful, so he got my lunch out of the car, threw it at me and it fell on the ground, then he told me to find my own way home. No phone, no money, no metrocard, no idea what bus to take anyway. No idea what direction to go in. No clue. My coach took me home and filed a report with the Deparment of Child Protection, and a family friend took me to the carinval the next two days.'
'I don't remember that either.'
'There was that two month period I had torn tendons in my knee, and he wouldn't let me use crutches at home because I'd fucked up and hurt myself skateboarding so no crutches was my punishment for potentially fucking up my soccer state trip. The school was secretly letting me use crutches since I couldn't actually weight-bare, and I had to limp for 2 hours home when the normal walk took 20 minutes. He accused me of faking half way through this and the physio later confirmed the injury and that the delayed healing was a result of weight-baring activities before the proper time for that.'
'I should remember that as well, I don't understand.
'There was the time he tipped my coffee thermos over because the lid was undone since I was drinking out of it and it went all over some important documents. He started letting rip at me before you intervened and said 'why is it always E's fault, why is nothing ever your fault?' Well, that was the perfect worse thing to say to a narcissist. They ARE never wrong. They will never admit being wrong, they just won't draw attention to not being right if it turns out they're wrong. In my heart I thanked you for finally, after 25 years for standing up for me but at the same time I desperately wanted you to NOT help - it would only lead to more suffering. My father left the room to return as you discussed the cost of children and heard me say 'that's what happens what you want kids' and for you to return with 'I wanted children, your father didn't at all.' My father said nothing. He didn't correct her, or say his opinion had changed, nothing. Just confirmed what I already knew. He left and came back around an hour later, and spoke to my mother, saying 'be careful of (my old name), she likes to blame everyone else for all of her problems' and then, then this man had the audacity to walk over to me and try to give me an actual physicals hug not 5 seconds after using my old name and misgendering me deliberately,'
'I was there, I should have remembered that... How did me helping make it worse?'
'Because you challenged his authority and I'm the scapegoat for everything. Broken technically equipment, my fault. Broken this, my fault. Broken that, my fault. If I'm in the same room as something and it stops working somehow my breathing affected it. Every time. And the last example is when I came to have lunch with you and my brother and he joined in. Sam and I were telling a story we remembered about nonna and her cooking skinless chicken. We got every part of the story right but who she lied to - she didn't lie to me and sam, she lied to your cousins, and then you told us the story. But Sam remembered it exactly like I did, you remembered it differently, and dad had no idea. After a minute, my father butts in and says 'what did you learn from that today, E?' and I was like 'I have no idea sir please enlighten me.' And this one of a kind bastard just goes (to me, not to my brother mind you) 'you lie, you make things up, you can't ever be trusted, you manipulate, and your memory can't be trusted.'
'How can I not remember any of these things that happened?'
'I don't know, but I can assure you they are extremely real to me, and have really hurt me over the years. I want no contact with him more than seeing him at family gatherings. No texts, no calls. He is not to pressure you to contact me for him to get me to respond as that will sour my relationship with you, which I value. He is not to come over when you drop things around for me to eat. He can stay at his, and consider whether he can dip into what he calls his soul and spare me one, single, apology for this group of issues, and we can work forwards from there. But there's an issue see, you and I both know he won't ever apologise mu, - and that's exactly why he set up scenarios like the last one - to say I make things up and can't be trusted and I'm dramatic and mentally ill. Mum, I don't go to therapy once a fortnight for Bipolar, that's excessive. It's for childhood trauma.
'What? Does this mean our family is going to fall apart?'
'No? Has it before now? I'll still come to events. But you just have to be aware that there is more going on in peoples families than others ever think. James is starting to see a psychologist and he's beginning to show signs of pretty serious mental illness as a result of Damien's' violence towards him, minimum.' Unsure of what my younger sibling copped but I genuinely thought she had a developmental delay for speech because she didn't talk but it was just severe trauma. 'It shouldn't be that much of a surprise that there are issues in our family as well, and one day in the future I may discuss them with you, but for now I would like to stop there with one more anectode of poor behaviour and why I behave towards my father the way that I do.
I went to grandmas to get her to rewrite the check as I'd legally changed my last name from my Dad's (that I wanted significant distance with) to my mum's side of the family's last name. That family coincidentally had also been far more accepting of my transition despite their religious background. I arrived at grandmas and told her I needed a new check and couldn't cash that one, she asked why - I said I'd legally changed my name. She said that's why she just wrote 'E (name)' and then I realised I'd have to tell her - I changed my name from her dead hustbands last name to my mum's dad and she would have no idea the real reasons ever. I told her and she went mental (note, she is far more accepting now and supports me a lot, just needed it out of her system I suppose) and ran down the hallway tearing up the cheque, before pushing $200 into my hands for my birthday and Christmas, and yelling at me to get out. On the bus home, my cousin messages me asking what I did to grandma, because she was threatening to kill herself as I was destroying tradition. I got home and my aunt had already spoken to my dad. I expected him to be on my side, because he always found names pretty stupid and irrelevant. I thought he'd think grandma was significantly overreacting. I was wrong. He chucked a fit at me changing from his surname to mums and I said I just wanted to feel closer to that side of the family - I didn't mention it was because dad gave me the fucking creeps and even at this age with my memories not quite intact yet of the years of abuse, I new I didn't get along with him. I was in tears at this stage, and said 'I would have expected my dad to at least side with me, his actual son.' and my father goes 'don't bother with the tears with me. I'm not your emotional support. I'm your financial support. Your mother is your emotional support.'
And that, my friends, was the moment I stopped expecting any kind of emotional connection from my father and realised the parametres of the parenting. He was not there to support me, and he made that clear with multiple insensitive fuck ups over the years. On a scale of 1-10, I don't love armchair diagnosing, but Narcissist is the most accurate descriptor of my dad as I've ever seen. He thinks he's Autistic (since I got diagnosed) as he 'doesn't care what people think after he is rude to them' and I said that's just using Autism as a poor excuse to be an asshole, as Autistic people actually face severe social anxiety (myself included) around fear of upsetting people. We just accidentally do it, we do care that it happens. Anyway he's managed to get my brother drinking from the 'dad is Autistic and that's why he has long EQ; kool Aid rather thatn the far more obvious NPD that is clear, when you add in the rampant sexual abuse of a minor and teenager, and sexual assault of a vulnerable adult. My dude I'm as autistic as you can get and I've literally never punched someone. Autism is NOT my dad's problem and it's so frustrating that it is being painted like it is. Every trait of narcissism is present with him, even the more minor ones.
'So mum, when dad texts me asking me to tell him how he is, I don't because he set that boundary 10 years ago when he told me himself he isn't my emotional support. But he can send me $100 if he likes, I won't ever say no to that.'
Now, mum comes around without him. I haven't had a text in two weeks. I even wrote a passive aggressive status on Facebook directed towards him and set my settings so he could see it about parents who snoops relentlessly through their kids electronics and how it creates this awful boundary crossing zero privacy relationship which is really sickening and fucked up. That was my dad to a T as well and it's done permanent damage to me. I saw him at Xmas and he tried to talk to me for around 5 minutes but I just turned the Autism to 11 and grunted a few times then said two word answers back before he gave up. I then left after around an hour and went to work. Haven't seen him since and absolutely no plans to do so. I am really loving this, although I truly feel a bit bitter than I let an old friend convince me of what my family dynamics actually were and tell me my mum wasn't on my side. I'm starting to think my mum knows more that went on than she's letting on, because she accepted all this very fast. Who knows, maybe she already knows what I need to tell her eventually and she is just waiting for proof. I guess I won't know until it happens. But I am finally feeling in control, powerful, and like I can make decisions about my own future and not other people. I'm not a victim anymore.
I just don't know whether I should include the more fucked up stuff next time I speak with her and see how she takes that given that this went so well. She saw that stuff happening, there's no reason she wouldn't remember it.
'Yes, yes I am angry at him. I am real mad.'
'What did he do?'
'What did he do? Where do I start? There's the issue of him not having my actual legal name in his phone after 7 years and when I asked him to update it I didn't get an apology, I got 'haha I forgot' instead (I'm trans, so having my actual name in his phone is sort of important to me). 'This was really hurtful mum, it shows me that he doesn't respect the name I chose for myself and my identity. It's not his choice. My name is my decision. And he said he forgot every single time I texted, which I find beyond unbelievable moving towards willful disregard for me in this matter.'
'I didn't know about that, I'm sorry.'
'Then there's the time he left me at a soccer carnival tournament 45 minutes away from home because I called him a hypocrite in front of my friend and he said I was disrespectful, so he got my lunch out of the car, threw it at me and it fell on the ground, then he told me to find my own way home. No phone, no money, no metrocard, no idea what bus to take anyway. No idea what direction to go in. No clue. My coach took me home and filed a report with the Deparment of Child Protection, and a family friend took me to the carinval the next two days.'
'I don't remember that either.'
'There was that two month period I had torn tendons in my knee, and he wouldn't let me use crutches at home because I'd fucked up and hurt myself skateboarding so no crutches was my punishment for potentially fucking up my soccer state trip. The school was secretly letting me use crutches since I couldn't actually weight-bare, and I had to limp for 2 hours home when the normal walk took 20 minutes. He accused me of faking half way through this and the physio later confirmed the injury and that the delayed healing was a result of weight-baring activities before the proper time for that.'
'I should remember that as well, I don't understand.
'There was the time he tipped my coffee thermos over because the lid was undone since I was drinking out of it and it went all over some important documents. He started letting rip at me before you intervened and said 'why is it always E's fault, why is nothing ever your fault?' Well, that was the perfect worse thing to say to a narcissist. They ARE never wrong. They will never admit being wrong, they just won't draw attention to not being right if it turns out they're wrong. In my heart I thanked you for finally, after 25 years for standing up for me but at the same time I desperately wanted you to NOT help - it would only lead to more suffering. My father left the room to return as you discussed the cost of children and heard me say 'that's what happens what you want kids' and for you to return with 'I wanted children, your father didn't at all.' My father said nothing. He didn't correct her, or say his opinion had changed, nothing. Just confirmed what I already knew. He left and came back around an hour later, and spoke to my mother, saying 'be careful of (my old name), she likes to blame everyone else for all of her problems' and then, then this man had the audacity to walk over to me and try to give me an actual physicals hug not 5 seconds after using my old name and misgendering me deliberately,'
'I was there, I should have remembered that... How did me helping make it worse?'
'Because you challenged his authority and I'm the scapegoat for everything. Broken technically equipment, my fault. Broken this, my fault. Broken that, my fault. If I'm in the same room as something and it stops working somehow my breathing affected it. Every time. And the last example is when I came to have lunch with you and my brother and he joined in. Sam and I were telling a story we remembered about nonna and her cooking skinless chicken. We got every part of the story right but who she lied to - she didn't lie to me and sam, she lied to your cousins, and then you told us the story. But Sam remembered it exactly like I did, you remembered it differently, and dad had no idea. After a minute, my father butts in and says 'what did you learn from that today, E?' and I was like 'I have no idea sir please enlighten me.' And this one of a kind bastard just goes (to me, not to my brother mind you) 'you lie, you make things up, you can't ever be trusted, you manipulate, and your memory can't be trusted.'
'How can I not remember any of these things that happened?'
'I don't know, but I can assure you they are extremely real to me, and have really hurt me over the years. I want no contact with him more than seeing him at family gatherings. No texts, no calls. He is not to pressure you to contact me for him to get me to respond as that will sour my relationship with you, which I value. He is not to come over when you drop things around for me to eat. He can stay at his, and consider whether he can dip into what he calls his soul and spare me one, single, apology for this group of issues, and we can work forwards from there. But there's an issue see, you and I both know he won't ever apologise mu, - and that's exactly why he set up scenarios like the last one - to say I make things up and can't be trusted and I'm dramatic and mentally ill. Mum, I don't go to therapy once a fortnight for Bipolar, that's excessive. It's for childhood trauma.
'What? Does this mean our family is going to fall apart?'
'No? Has it before now? I'll still come to events. But you just have to be aware that there is more going on in peoples families than others ever think. James is starting to see a psychologist and he's beginning to show signs of pretty serious mental illness as a result of Damien's' violence towards him, minimum.' Unsure of what my younger sibling copped but I genuinely thought she had a developmental delay for speech because she didn't talk but it was just severe trauma. 'It shouldn't be that much of a surprise that there are issues in our family as well, and one day in the future I may discuss them with you, but for now I would like to stop there with one more anectode of poor behaviour and why I behave towards my father the way that I do.
I went to grandmas to get her to rewrite the check as I'd legally changed my last name from my Dad's (that I wanted significant distance with) to my mum's side of the family's last name. That family coincidentally had also been far more accepting of my transition despite their religious background. I arrived at grandmas and told her I needed a new check and couldn't cash that one, she asked why - I said I'd legally changed my name. She said that's why she just wrote 'E (name)' and then I realised I'd have to tell her - I changed my name from her dead hustbands last name to my mum's dad and she would have no idea the real reasons ever. I told her and she went mental (note, she is far more accepting now and supports me a lot, just needed it out of her system I suppose) and ran down the hallway tearing up the cheque, before pushing $200 into my hands for my birthday and Christmas, and yelling at me to get out. On the bus home, my cousin messages me asking what I did to grandma, because she was threatening to kill herself as I was destroying tradition. I got home and my aunt had already spoken to my dad. I expected him to be on my side, because he always found names pretty stupid and irrelevant. I thought he'd think grandma was significantly overreacting. I was wrong. He chucked a fit at me changing from his surname to mums and I said I just wanted to feel closer to that side of the family - I didn't mention it was because dad gave me the fucking creeps and even at this age with my memories not quite intact yet of the years of abuse, I new I didn't get along with him. I was in tears at this stage, and said 'I would have expected my dad to at least side with me, his actual son.' and my father goes 'don't bother with the tears with me. I'm not your emotional support. I'm your financial support. Your mother is your emotional support.'
And that, my friends, was the moment I stopped expecting any kind of emotional connection from my father and realised the parametres of the parenting. He was not there to support me, and he made that clear with multiple insensitive fuck ups over the years. On a scale of 1-10, I don't love armchair diagnosing, but Narcissist is the most accurate descriptor of my dad as I've ever seen. He thinks he's Autistic (since I got diagnosed) as he 'doesn't care what people think after he is rude to them' and I said that's just using Autism as a poor excuse to be an asshole, as Autistic people actually face severe social anxiety (myself included) around fear of upsetting people. We just accidentally do it, we do care that it happens. Anyway he's managed to get my brother drinking from the 'dad is Autistic and that's why he has long EQ; kool Aid rather thatn the far more obvious NPD that is clear, when you add in the rampant sexual abuse of a minor and teenager, and sexual assault of a vulnerable adult. My dude I'm as autistic as you can get and I've literally never punched someone. Autism is NOT my dad's problem and it's so frustrating that it is being painted like it is. Every trait of narcissism is present with him, even the more minor ones.
'So mum, when dad texts me asking me to tell him how he is, I don't because he set that boundary 10 years ago when he told me himself he isn't my emotional support. But he can send me $100 if he likes, I won't ever say no to that.'
Now, mum comes around without him. I haven't had a text in two weeks. I even wrote a passive aggressive status on Facebook directed towards him and set my settings so he could see it about parents who snoops relentlessly through their kids electronics and how it creates this awful boundary crossing zero privacy relationship which is really sickening and fucked up. That was my dad to a T as well and it's done permanent damage to me. I saw him at Xmas and he tried to talk to me for around 5 minutes but I just turned the Autism to 11 and grunted a few times then said two word answers back before he gave up. I then left after around an hour and went to work. Haven't seen him since and absolutely no plans to do so. I am really loving this, although I truly feel a bit bitter than I let an old friend convince me of what my family dynamics actually were and tell me my mum wasn't on my side. I'm starting to think my mum knows more that went on than she's letting on, because she accepted all this very fast. Who knows, maybe she already knows what I need to tell her eventually and she is just waiting for proof. I guess I won't know until it happens. But I am finally feeling in control, powerful, and like I can make decisions about my own future and not other people. I'm not a victim anymore.
I just don't know whether I should include the more fucked up stuff next time I speak with her and see how she takes that given that this went so well. She saw that stuff happening, there's no reason she wouldn't remember it.
