Hello, this is my first time ever posting so I expect to get feedback from all ends of the spectrum. u Don't know if it's even "normal" to post but I'm out of options and I really don't know what else to do, nor do I have anyone to talk to. I'm going to be completely honest and open about everything so that everyone can understand my situation aas best as possible. So here goes:
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we have a two year old together, and I also have a 7 year old from what I life to call a"sperm donor"( since that's all he was ever good for). I met him through my ex boyfriend (who was my current boyfriend of 1yr at the time). When we met, I was dating his "friends younger brother (for lack of a better term-he's known the entire family for years. . I think more than 10 years). He was"out of my league"and I knew it all too well. I was young and exhausted from having gone through so much in life and I was ready to settle down and willing to settle for the guy I was with.... i had even recently asked him to marry. (I now know that was a colossal mistake!)Anyways I had no idea my boyfriend of 5 years now had taken any interest in me. And I had no hope of even attempting to attempt to be with him. At the time I was secretly prostituting. I'm not condoning it. The only reason I'm okay telling this to anyone is bc I'm in the safety of my home and behind my phone screen where I dont have to look anyone in the eye and admit this about myself. I did it to get by (I had recently kicked my mother out of her apartment and took on the responsibility of caring for my brother who is 4 years younger than me. She was kind enough to leave me with 6 months of unpaid rent, electric, ands gas bills. .. and now I had my son ands brother to care for.) Again, I'm not saying it was okay to do this to myself, my son, or my boyfriend of the time. .. I'm simply trying to clarify the picture so everyone can understand my mindset at the time.. and why I felt I had to do this. I'm not proud of this or Amy of my actions. I feel disgusted for endangering my son's life, my ex boyfriend's, and my own in order to catch up on bonds and pay rent, etc.
Throughout my relationship with my ex, my current boyfriend and I had interacted some and he'd crashed at my house many times. Still everything remained completely platonic. By the time I ended things with my ex, my current boyfriend and I had established more of a friendship rather than a "you're my boyfriend's family friend" relationship. He had actually been living in my house for a week and sort of never moved out.
Now to be fair to him i must admit that during our first week as a "couple" I was invited out and ended up kissing an ex-girlfriend. It was stupid, veeeery stupid, and it was also no more than a kiss. Again, I NEVER even entertained the idea of my boyfriend being attracted to me bc I didn't think he would every be interested in me. So when the kiss happened I had no idea I would end up loving him so dearly, or ever even getting so serious with him. It's no excuse, I know. In simply explaining what I was thinking/feeling at the time.
Now normally(at least I think so), when two people are attracted to one another, they begin dating and slowly get to know one another. Eventually you get to know each other and decide you want to be with the other person. Unfortunately this is not what happened in my situation. Instead of allowing me to tell him about myself and my life and the things that I had done, he forced everything out of me. My first intention was not to tell him about anything because I didn't want him to judge me for the mistakes I had made and instead wanted him to get to know the person I wanted to become. But he saw through me from day one. He knew what I had been doing without me telling him and made me tell him specific details about everything. It was a hard and long process because each time he asked I gave him the least amount of information possible. I fought for so long and try to deny doing so many things and eventually my lies piles up. Looking back now I'd like to think that all he wanted was for me to tell him right from the beginning every dirty thing that I had done. But at the time it was impossible for me to sit down and tell a new person my deepest darkest most disgusting secrets. So after many months of lying and trying to deny everything that I did eventually he broke me down and little by little I ended up confessing all the things that I had done with all the men that I had been with or at least all that I could remember. I had of course stopped prostituting, but continued my day job at a dental office. I guess he was so used to me lying that he didn't trust me at all at that point. Now he's very Savvy with computers and somehow managed to hack into the camera system at my job in order to "keep an eye on me". I know that I may not seem like a very credible person when I say that I have never been an Unfaithful person in my life and what I did to my ex-boyfriend was the first time I had ever betrayed the person I was in a relationship with. I've never cheated on a single person I've had a relationship with but since he befriended me during the one time in my life that I DID do this, he believed that it's the kind of person I am.
I have never been so expose in my entire life. I have never had to answer to someone in such a way that I did to him; never had someone watching me all the time and accusing me of flirting with other men. I smoked cigarettes at the time and I eventually quit smoking because he was unable to see me during a smoke break and accused me of going out to meet another man have sexual relations with them.
As time went on we have been through many many ups and downs and 5 years later I know I am not the person I was when he met me or even the person I was for the first two years of our relationship. My boyfriend has brought out the Best in Me. I owe who I am today to him because if he had never opened my eyes and told me the hard truth about myself I would have probably never changed and still been just as ignorant and stupid as I used to be. Having said that he has also destroyed me entirely, in every abstract way you can think of. In his opinion prostituting and lying to him about all the Terrible Things I had done made me a disgusting person and he still believes me to be this person today
Going through the motions I have been chilly surrendered and because I knew he was a better person and a smarter person than I, I accepted all the things he said about me and I did what he told me to do. All and all I stopped doing everything I wanted to do and did what he wanted me to do because I felt that it was for the best. We've had many arguments and I always tell him that he has to trust me and he has to get over everything if he wants to be in this relationship. he has to decide whether or not he will accept everything that I did and move on or if he's going to hold it over my head and indefinitely.
He's never given me a straight answer but I know and it's extremely obvious that he doesn't trust me and he have not forgiven me for anything and he definitely doesn't believe that I am a different person. It hurts because I know that if he was with another person that he hat not forced to divulge her darkest secrets and worst moments of their life, he would treat them much better than he treats me. We now have a beautiful 2 year old boy together and I feel like I'm lost. I gave up everything about myself and now I'm just lost. I know I love him I know that what he says about me is true and disgusting and I also know that I would never ever do any of those things again. I also truly believe that I am not the same person I was 5 years ago and that I am a smarter person and a better person but he doesn't seem to agree.
He says that there's nothing good about me there's nothing that I haven't done with another person already and because of that he can't even say anything good about me. I'm his eyes I'm a disgusting, lying, cheating, degenerate, idiot that's inevitably going to end up right where I was before.
Which leads me to my real question: if you were in my situation How would you prove to your partner that you are a better person and that you would not make the same type of choices you have in the past and that you do truly love them? Or if you were in his shoes what would it take for you to believe that I'm not going to go have sex with another person if I'm not with you for an hour? How could you believe that I am a better person and what would it take for you to move on?
Yes I've done many things I'm not proud of and yes I almost married another because I was it was "good enough". But i TRULY LOVE THIS GUY. I don't know how to prove to him that I love him. And I know I'm "sloppy seconds"add he says. .. but I can't change all the retarded choices I've made in life... and I told him that. I wish I could take it all back and I wish I didn't have a promiscuous mother that taught me only the worst things I cold learn in life. I wish I'd had a mother and father who were good people and made good choices in life. Instead of being raped by an uncle, shot 1in from my heart by my step-father when i was 5 years old bc he found out she was cheating on him with her next boyfriend who physically abused me and my siblings for years, only to have her abandon us in her native third-world country bc she was to exhausted from being a single mother. And instead of teaching me right from wrong and how to cook or what "good people" did, she didn't even want to take the time to register me in school after I managed to get back. Eventually a judge decided I was better off as a foster child. Thankfully I ended up with a foster mother who was-in-it-for-the-check, but we all a VERY far cry from being able to help new be a successful, goId person. I still managed to get 2 tattoos of the names of men I'll never careally for again.
Anyways, yes I have LOTS of things to blame my stupid actions on, but now I just accept that it all happened and chose to be a better person.
BUT HOW DO I GET HIM TO BELIEVE THIS? I stopped talking to all of my terrible friends and got away from my terrible family. All because of him. He told me they were no good, I didn't believe him, and eventually I realized he was right. So now I have no friends, no family, only the one we have created, and I'm so depressed bc I wake up everyday just to cook and clean and I've last myself. I don't know who I am or my purpose in life. I DO know that I'm a better person than I used to be, and that I love this man with all my heart.
So how do I get him to believe this? ??anyone else been in our near my shoes?
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we have a two year old together, and I also have a 7 year old from what I life to call a"sperm donor"( since that's all he was ever good for). I met him through my ex boyfriend (who was my current boyfriend of 1yr at the time). When we met, I was dating his "friends younger brother (for lack of a better term-he's known the entire family for years. . I think more than 10 years). He was"out of my league"and I knew it all too well. I was young and exhausted from having gone through so much in life and I was ready to settle down and willing to settle for the guy I was with.... i had even recently asked him to marry. (I now know that was a colossal mistake!)Anyways I had no idea my boyfriend of 5 years now had taken any interest in me. And I had no hope of even attempting to attempt to be with him. At the time I was secretly prostituting. I'm not condoning it. The only reason I'm okay telling this to anyone is bc I'm in the safety of my home and behind my phone screen where I dont have to look anyone in the eye and admit this about myself. I did it to get by (I had recently kicked my mother out of her apartment and took on the responsibility of caring for my brother who is 4 years younger than me. She was kind enough to leave me with 6 months of unpaid rent, electric, ands gas bills. .. and now I had my son ands brother to care for.) Again, I'm not saying it was okay to do this to myself, my son, or my boyfriend of the time. .. I'm simply trying to clarify the picture so everyone can understand my mindset at the time.. and why I felt I had to do this. I'm not proud of this or Amy of my actions. I feel disgusted for endangering my son's life, my ex boyfriend's, and my own in order to catch up on bonds and pay rent, etc.
Throughout my relationship with my ex, my current boyfriend and I had interacted some and he'd crashed at my house many times. Still everything remained completely platonic. By the time I ended things with my ex, my current boyfriend and I had established more of a friendship rather than a "you're my boyfriend's family friend" relationship. He had actually been living in my house for a week and sort of never moved out.
Now to be fair to him i must admit that during our first week as a "couple" I was invited out and ended up kissing an ex-girlfriend. It was stupid, veeeery stupid, and it was also no more than a kiss. Again, I NEVER even entertained the idea of my boyfriend being attracted to me bc I didn't think he would every be interested in me. So when the kiss happened I had no idea I would end up loving him so dearly, or ever even getting so serious with him. It's no excuse, I know. In simply explaining what I was thinking/feeling at the time.
Now normally(at least I think so), when two people are attracted to one another, they begin dating and slowly get to know one another. Eventually you get to know each other and decide you want to be with the other person. Unfortunately this is not what happened in my situation. Instead of allowing me to tell him about myself and my life and the things that I had done, he forced everything out of me. My first intention was not to tell him about anything because I didn't want him to judge me for the mistakes I had made and instead wanted him to get to know the person I wanted to become. But he saw through me from day one. He knew what I had been doing without me telling him and made me tell him specific details about everything. It was a hard and long process because each time he asked I gave him the least amount of information possible. I fought for so long and try to deny doing so many things and eventually my lies piles up. Looking back now I'd like to think that all he wanted was for me to tell him right from the beginning every dirty thing that I had done. But at the time it was impossible for me to sit down and tell a new person my deepest darkest most disgusting secrets. So after many months of lying and trying to deny everything that I did eventually he broke me down and little by little I ended up confessing all the things that I had done with all the men that I had been with or at least all that I could remember. I had of course stopped prostituting, but continued my day job at a dental office. I guess he was so used to me lying that he didn't trust me at all at that point. Now he's very Savvy with computers and somehow managed to hack into the camera system at my job in order to "keep an eye on me". I know that I may not seem like a very credible person when I say that I have never been an Unfaithful person in my life and what I did to my ex-boyfriend was the first time I had ever betrayed the person I was in a relationship with. I've never cheated on a single person I've had a relationship with but since he befriended me during the one time in my life that I DID do this, he believed that it's the kind of person I am.
I have never been so expose in my entire life. I have never had to answer to someone in such a way that I did to him; never had someone watching me all the time and accusing me of flirting with other men. I smoked cigarettes at the time and I eventually quit smoking because he was unable to see me during a smoke break and accused me of going out to meet another man have sexual relations with them.
As time went on we have been through many many ups and downs and 5 years later I know I am not the person I was when he met me or even the person I was for the first two years of our relationship. My boyfriend has brought out the Best in Me. I owe who I am today to him because if he had never opened my eyes and told me the hard truth about myself I would have probably never changed and still been just as ignorant and stupid as I used to be. Having said that he has also destroyed me entirely, in every abstract way you can think of. In his opinion prostituting and lying to him about all the Terrible Things I had done made me a disgusting person and he still believes me to be this person today
Going through the motions I have been chilly surrendered and because I knew he was a better person and a smarter person than I, I accepted all the things he said about me and I did what he told me to do. All and all I stopped doing everything I wanted to do and did what he wanted me to do because I felt that it was for the best. We've had many arguments and I always tell him that he has to trust me and he has to get over everything if he wants to be in this relationship. he has to decide whether or not he will accept everything that I did and move on or if he's going to hold it over my head and indefinitely.
He's never given me a straight answer but I know and it's extremely obvious that he doesn't trust me and he have not forgiven me for anything and he definitely doesn't believe that I am a different person. It hurts because I know that if he was with another person that he hat not forced to divulge her darkest secrets and worst moments of their life, he would treat them much better than he treats me. We now have a beautiful 2 year old boy together and I feel like I'm lost. I gave up everything about myself and now I'm just lost. I know I love him I know that what he says about me is true and disgusting and I also know that I would never ever do any of those things again. I also truly believe that I am not the same person I was 5 years ago and that I am a smarter person and a better person but he doesn't seem to agree.
He says that there's nothing good about me there's nothing that I haven't done with another person already and because of that he can't even say anything good about me. I'm his eyes I'm a disgusting, lying, cheating, degenerate, idiot that's inevitably going to end up right where I was before.
Which leads me to my real question: if you were in my situation How would you prove to your partner that you are a better person and that you would not make the same type of choices you have in the past and that you do truly love them? Or if you were in his shoes what would it take for you to believe that I'm not going to go have sex with another person if I'm not with you for an hour? How could you believe that I am a better person and what would it take for you to move on?
Yes I've done many things I'm not proud of and yes I almost married another because I was it was "good enough". But i TRULY LOVE THIS GUY. I don't know how to prove to him that I love him. And I know I'm "sloppy seconds"add he says. .. but I can't change all the retarded choices I've made in life... and I told him that. I wish I could take it all back and I wish I didn't have a promiscuous mother that taught me only the worst things I cold learn in life. I wish I'd had a mother and father who were good people and made good choices in life. Instead of being raped by an uncle, shot 1in from my heart by my step-father when i was 5 years old bc he found out she was cheating on him with her next boyfriend who physically abused me and my siblings for years, only to have her abandon us in her native third-world country bc she was to exhausted from being a single mother. And instead of teaching me right from wrong and how to cook or what "good people" did, she didn't even want to take the time to register me in school after I managed to get back. Eventually a judge decided I was better off as a foster child. Thankfully I ended up with a foster mother who was-in-it-for-the-check, but we all a VERY far cry from being able to help new be a successful, goId person. I still managed to get 2 tattoos of the names of men I'll never careally for again.
Anyways, yes I have LOTS of things to blame my stupid actions on, but now I just accept that it all happened and chose to be a better person.
BUT HOW DO I GET HIM TO BELIEVE THIS? I stopped talking to all of my terrible friends and got away from my terrible family. All because of him. He told me they were no good, I didn't believe him, and eventually I realized he was right. So now I have no friends, no family, only the one we have created, and I'm so depressed bc I wake up everyday just to cook and clean and I've last myself. I don't know who I am or my purpose in life. I DO know that I'm a better person than I used to be, and that I love this man with all my heart.
So how do I get him to believe this? ??anyone else been in our near my shoes?
