I nearly fucked someone up today :/

[d3athadone]

I was talking to this guy about trading some hard which someone accidently gave me a bunch of for some dope and doesnt this guy drop like 10 fent patches on the ground. I am dope sick as hell and started shaking. I nearly just started elbowing him in the face and grabbed his shit. It took everything I had to talk myself out of it, as I've had shit like that go super sour in the past. I'm just thankful I didn't and offer a bit of caution about bringing violence into the mix. It never ends well. So here I am, still dope sick. Couldn't get rid of the hard. FML

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

did you end up smoking the hard?

 

[T. Calderone]

It's scary when desperation puts your mind in a state like that. I'm glad you didn't act on it either.

 

[MadeInChicago]

did you end up smoking the hard?

Yeah alot of people get started like that, someone gave them the wrong drug then they just tried it. Ive had it happen to me but ive always been able to take it back and get what I wanted. Curiosity can put u on a slippery slope.
I know how u feel though the desperation is real.

 

[d3athadone]

yeah lol i ended up smoking the hard. All I was picking up was a point. of h. and he dropped like almost a gram of hard with it. At first I thought it must be poison or some shit. I really don't like this guy so yah the feeling of robbing him right then and there was real. Hes in my neighbourhood though I'd probably be fucked up by who really owned that shit. Its the same guy who accidently gave me the hard who dropped the patches. I was trying to trade his hard back to him. I already got stabbed once after doing some stupid shit like that. Its crazy when your sick. My mind thought it was food. If I was starving I would def rob someone I didn't like for their food. No doubt. WHen shit breaks down, we see what animals we are.

^ I didn't get started liek that. I don't even know how people are addicted to hard. Honestly. I smoked it over two days during early withdrawals and it kinda helped. I believe it can happen though. I've already smoked it a bunch of times though when I was board and its really nothing to me. I craved it for about an hour afterward. Looked over some tin foil a lot lol.

Day 3!! I'm fucking ready. After almost hurting someone over drugs, I dunno that is just a wake up call that I'm losing myself. I only relapsed like 4 months ago. I been progressively getting more and more fucked up and forgetting who I am. I know the pattern. I know I can find myself again. I've done it before. I just need time to heal and learn to love life again. This shit is a fucking illusion. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nyJhDFY6z4b


I miss life! I miss myself! I miss my friends. God do I miss my friends. They are still here its just I don't visit them because I'm too fucked and its better this way...

 

[Moreaux]

I think it's really positive that in this desperate time you were able to access the possible repercussions and control yourself. I know you feel terrible right now, but to me that is still progress and should give you hope!

 

[d3athadone]

not even sure how I did it to be honest. It was a snap decision of like am I really doing this? THen I just quickly thought of some bad shit and was like nonono. Seriously tho was this close.

Im so used to being sick at this point. Shit is a hell of a lot easier after day 1. Don't ask me how. I've adapted. It just doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I guess I just know what to expect so much.

 

[d3athadone]

I think it's really positive that in this desperate time you were able to access the possible repercussions and control yourself. I know you feel terrible right now, but to me that is still progress and should give you hope!

Your right man. In the past I def woulda done some stupid shit. I just seen what shit gets like so many times. Thats why I am a terrible junkie. I think too much and I cant hustle for my habit anymore. I used to do whatever it takes. Not anymore. I'm done. ALso all the heroin has turned into fentanyl which is scary as fuck and dirty. SO many reasons. Why i hate this lifestyle. Theres pretty much nothing good about it. Even when I'm high I don't sleep for days and turn into a nutcase. Its bullshit.

I keep thinking about that guy I woulda fucked up. Such a bad crackhead. First he gives me a gram. THen he drop 10 fent patches infront of me and nearly gets fucked up. I cant even fucking imagine the nightmare he got himself into. Hes gonna get hurt. Nearly happened already. I feel bad for him. so far down the rabit hole.

 

[Moreaux]

It's hard sometimes. Years ago my weed dealer was this nice, trusting, older dude who was legally blind. I had known him for years. I had gone over to his house one night and several friends from our group were there - he had just gotten a new supply in of some potent stuff and had everything laying out on the table - 13 pounds of weed and hundreds of oxy. Everyone was high and drunk except me...it was so difficult to not take extra stuff, the opportunity was there and no one would have known it was me. I just couldn't do it, there are some lines I wouldn't let myself cross because I knew it would be too easy to quickly descend down that rabbit hole. Also, I had been off oxy for a few years and didn't want to get hooked again - that was painful to stop :/