yes hello i think that i have a decent appreciation for the sort of issues you are going through, at least, to some extent; i would like to present some practical advice, but the problem is, there is not always practical advice to be said in every situation; the altogether rare condition of sagacity often eludes the majority of us for a good majority of the time, so, that's like a majority, squared. long story short, advice is only as good as you make it out to be, only as good as you allow it to be. a few points to consider:
"When people do converse, after I say whatever I say, I notice them trying to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible."
i do not mean to cast any doubt upon your perceptions of reality, but i would like to proffer the suggestion that some of this may just be the product of a paranoid & anxious mind, curating all the available details in a situation and attempting to assemble them into a rational image of reality. problem is, it's hard to make rational judgements and the like when your mind is currently in an irrational phase (anxiety brought about from having to socially interact; i suffer from this way too much myself).
as per the overcharged sexuality and desire to have a sexual mate, that is a respectable desire, as it really is the
biological imperative, as it were. it's hard to ignore certain biological
impulses, but with the proper amount of training and dedication, one can train oneself to tone down the reaction to given external (and internal) stimuli. long story short, your testosterone may jack your machismo into overdrive, but there is a certain amount of willpower and personal duty involved in handling such a situation. it's hard to understand how when the entire concept is that there is no control invited into the situation, that there is any way the self can be held responsible. this is not being held responsible in a "hey you're guilty prepare 4 bubba" sense, more a "hey just to let you know, things can be different" sense. the implication isn't that you're necessarily irresponsible as a person, only that perhaps you don't know how to take the responsibility of overpowering said base desires. but then again, it may have just been easy for me because sex was never a priority. that's a hell all it's own though, i'll tell you that.
people say you need social skills and connections to get a job? i have never heard that. i, however, have heard of specialized job boards, of freelancing, of craigslist, of different concepts like that. i myself do get turned down from minimum wage positions as well (the whole hey we're just not going to respond to u ever k luv u bai
~~~), which amuses me because on the surface, that's all it would seem i'm qualified for (yay no college); however, i have held down multiple positions, from tech support, to direct home care for the mentally handicapped, to web and software development. the direct home care was more i found a place to work where my fiancee worked at (i needed a job | also pls don't get the wrong idea or take the wrong implications from the fiancee; despite finding a kindred soul, i still am lost deep in the realms of social anxiety, even with her). either way, i'm getting too far behind myself. or ahead, not sure which.
you have the social intelligence of a baby? i think you have a higher level of social intelligence than you think, just because you're self-aware enough to realize that your social intelligence is
not exactly up to par. you have the responsibilities of life calling; that's a natural phenomenon. you can't stress yourself out about it too much, or you'll kill your vibe and end up sabotaging everything you do, even if unintentionally so. depression decays into a surprisingly elegant, but crushingly defeatist self-defeating cycle. there's no way to avoid that if you are dealing with depression, unless you can find a way to bring yourself back to reality. realize that happiness is not something that you are meant to feel all the time; it's a reward for doing something that satisfies you. it's a reward for doing something that makes you feel good. it's a reward, not a standard mode of existence. just because you are not happy all the time, does not mean that you necessarily have to always be unhappy. neutrality is more than it's cracked up to be.
hey, at least you don't have a baby! that would make your life an interesting breed of hell (not necessarily because of the baby, as baby is wonderful! but not good for those who are not ingrained with responsibility). i can state that from experience. that's a whole story i would not like to dredge up right now, however; just know that it ultimately boils down to, it's okay to tell other people no, even if you think it's going to hurt them. that was something i failed to be able to do.
you're in college and have to deal with that? then deal with that, it seems that you've already made a plan, and are ready to tackle it. maybe you're afraid to, and if you are, that shit's okay. there's no shame in admitting that you're afraid, there's no shame in admitting that you feel like you can't do something, and there's no shame in asking for help. there are resources available at your college, i'm willing to bet, that may be able to assist you in maintaining a more appropriate balance of life and college. as to finding a job? my best advice is to identify what you do best, then target that. i've gotten jobs doing web and software development (as mentioned earlier) without having any actual formal experience. just, don't be afraid to reach for the stars, because the worst that can happen is you'll fall on your ass. last i checked, it's rly easy to get back up on your feet. just gotta believe in yourself.
people say that extinction or exposure therapy or w/e can help with anxiety, throwing yourself into situations until you can tolerate them, but the problem with that and social anxiety is that the anxiety is dynamic; it's not one specific stimulus that will evoke the fight-or-flight response that completely overtakes you; it's a complex patchwork of everything going on throughout the social interaction. exposure therapy might help mitigate it a little, but the best way to get past it is to learn how to maintain a rational state of mind in certain circumstances; this is something i really only choose to do in a professional setting, as it is way too stressful for me right now in most casual interaction. eventually, though, you will find something that will empower you. confidence is what breeds confidence, but before you can get that first bit of confidence, you have to identify something that you feel successful at, and use that to bolster your self-image. trust me, there's gotta be something you're good at; everyone has some skill somewhere. i recommend some time for actual introspection, not these fatalist (ok maybe not fatalist maybe more nihilist) musings.
oh, and, everybody says to be yourself, and some disagree saying that if yourself is the problem, why encourage that? i say be who you want to be. get to a point mentally where you feel you are the person you want to be, and learn to accept that that is the person you are. we all have strengths, we all have weaknesses. i find it's easiest to embrace the human condition; life sucks and then you die, but hey, that doesn't mean you can't make it suck a little less.
-ozz
