Sad I hate that my brain doesn't allow me to feel loved

[BourbonMac]

This has been a long-term problem for me. I don't really know what I can say about it, I could go into specifics, or I could just let it rest. People can tell me they love me, I feel alright for a little while, but it wears off like a drug. Or if they don't tell me, it's even worse and I feel completely worthless. Anyone who's followed my stuff for awhile would know I suffer heavily from C-PTSD, OCD, anxiety and depression (and ADHD but that is what it is). This is a catastrophic mix of things to cause a problem like this. Probably some attachment disorder in there as well, that was never diagnosed though. I think I just have symptoms that resemble it. I'm not afraid to let people in, but I do have a limit. A point where they can't go any further because they'll realize how broken I am.

So I've got this totally shattered heart thing going on. I've been suicidal for years, especially the past year, but right now it's just like... I'm too hopeless to even die. I feel like my soul has been sucked out, completely flat, a level of hopelessness and depression I have not felt in years and didn't even know I was capable of feeling. At least 4 years or so since I've last felt this horrible. And it's like, even if I know someone loves me, and has told me time and time again, I get upset if I'm not reminded often.

My mental health squabbles have driven quite a few old friends of mine away over the years, and some pretty recently as well. I guess sometimes it's too much for someone to hear about. Well, I guess that isn't the case here. Everyone is struggling somehow, or they're just doing drugs. Fact is, drug users are more open minded and sensitive. I don't really know where I'm going with this, I just feel totally dead inside. I was considering doing an insane amount of DMT just to see what the hell it'd do to me in this state... I had a strong trip last night and had this idea that if I die, everything and everyone dies. That goes against what I really believe, but it just felt like in that moment, at least coming down, and has often been the case, that I have to live. I'll hurt too many people that matter to me if I kill myself. I'll potentially shorten the lives of others and drive them into some despair for not realizing they could've said or done just a little bit more.

But this voice in the back of my head says... do it, make them pay, make them suffer. I'm fucking tired of this, it's been a long time since I was hung up like this.

 

[RedRum OG]

This video gave me a series of epiphanies when I saw it a few months ago, and it sounds like we have too much in common. That channel in general was a lifesaver. At the face it seems like basic psychology discussion, but some of the points he makes in a way I've never heard before

Good luck

 

[Juicewrldfan]

This has been a long-term problem for me. I don't really know what I can say about it, I could go into specifics, or I could just let it rest. People can tell me they love me, I feel alright for a little while, but it wears off like a drug. Or if they don't tell me, it's even worse and I feel completely worthless. Anyone who's followed my stuff for awhile would know I suffer heavily from C-PTSD, OCD, anxiety and depression (and ADHD but that is what it is). This is a catastrophic mix of things to cause a problem like this. Probably some attachment disorder in there as well, that was never diagnosed though. I think I just have symptoms that resemble it. I'm not afraid to let people in, but I do have a limit. A point where they can't go any further because they'll realize how broken I am.

So I've got this totally shattered heart thing going on. I've been suicidal for years, especially the past year, but right now it's just like... I'm too hopeless to even die. I feel like my soul has been sucked out, completely flat, a level of hopelessness and depression I have not felt in years and didn't even know I was capable of feeling. At least 4 years or so since I've last felt this horrible. And it's like, even if I know someone loves me, and has told me time and time again, I get upset if I'm not reminded often.

My mental health squabbles have driven quite a few old friends of mine away over the years, and some pretty recently as well. I guess sometimes it's too much for someone to hear about. Well, I guess that isn't the case here. Everyone is struggling somehow, or they're just doing drugs. Fact is, drug users are more open minded and sensitive. I don't really know where I'm going with this, I just feel totally dead inside. I was considering doing an insane amount of DMT just to see what the hell it'd do to me in this state... I had a strong trip last night and had this idea that if I die, everything and everyone dies. That goes against what I really believe, but it just felt like in that moment, at least coming down, and has often been the case, that I have to live. I'll hurt too many people that matter to me if I kill myself. I'll potentially shorten the lives of others and drive them into some despair for not realizing they could've said or done just a little bit more.

But this voice in the back of my head says... do it, make them pay, make them suffer. I'm fucking tired of this, it's been a long time since I was hung up like this.

Honestly man, just by reading your posts no judgement at all, I mean I’m an addict who also suffers from C-PTSD, it’s just I feel like you seem to do DMT very frequently and psychedelics can be very helpful but I think they might be not helping when you do them so frequently.

I admit that I have never done DMT but Psilocybin helped me tremendously however I only use it 2-3 times a year.

I just think messing with your brain chemistry too frequently and extremely can be counterproductive for what you are hoping to achieve which seems to be happiness and emotional stability.

I could be wrong though. Maybe you don’t use it as frequently as I am reading into.

Just know that you have value and you deserve to be loved. There is someone out there for you (even if you’re not seeking that kind of love) there are people that will love you but yes it’s hard to accept and recognize that love when you don’t feel deserving. I know from experience.

Please take care of yourself and please be safe man. As always if you ever need to talk we are here.

 

[neversickanymore]

I think a good way to be able to be loved is to learn to love yourself first

 

[Juicewrldfan]

I think a good way to be able to be loved is to learn to love yourself first

Yeah it’s really hard to do though for some. Especially when they are suffering from certain things, but yes it’s very important. And we can all learn to love ourselves.

I think the first step is self care. Ya know the basics. Taking care of your nutrition, adequate sleep, not over working yourself, showers, brushing our teeth, etc. I think that’s the first step in learning to love ourselvesz

Then comes forgiving ourselves and accepting ourselves which is what one of the hardest parts but once we can do that the world starts to appear less dark and less grim and maybe hope even comes back into our lives if even in a small amount. Hope is such a powerful emotion. So powerful…

 

[UltraSilence]

Haven't got much to add to the discussion but wanted to say I relate to what you're saying. Getting through life with a clusterfuck of disorders is hard - you must be very strong.

 

[InvegaIsdeath]

This has been a long-term problem for me. I don't really know what I can say about it, I could go into specifics, or I could just let it rest. People can tell me they love me, I feel alright for a little while, but it wears off like a drug. Or if they don't tell me, it's even worse and I feel completely worthless. Anyone who's followed my stuff for awhile would know I suffer heavily from C-PTSD, OCD, anxiety and depression (and ADHD but that is what it is). This is a catastrophic mix of things to cause a problem like this. Probably some attachment disorder in there as well, that was never diagnosed though. I think I just have symptoms that resemble it. I'm not afraid to let people in, but I do have a limit. A point where they can't go any further because they'll realize how broken I am.

So I've got this totally shattered heart thing going on. I've been suicidal for years, especially the past year, but right now it's just like... I'm too hopeless to even die. I feel like my soul has been sucked out, completely flat, a level of hopelessness and depression I have not felt in years and didn't even know I was capable of feeling. At least 4 years or so since I've last felt this horrible. And it's like, even if I know someone loves me, and has told me time and time again, I get upset if I'm not reminded often.

My mental health squabbles have driven quite a few old friends of mine away over the years, and some pretty recently as well. I guess sometimes it's too much for someone to hear about. Well, I guess that isn't the case here. Everyone is struggling somehow, or they're just doing drugs. Fact is, drug users are more open minded and sensitive. I don't really know where I'm going with this, I just feel totally dead inside. I was considering doing an insane amount of DMT just to see what the hell it'd do to me in this state... I had a strong trip last night and had this idea that if I die, everything and everyone dies. That goes against what I really believe, but it just felt like in that moment, at least coming down, and has often been the case, that I have to live. I'll hurt too many people that matter to me if I kill myself. I'll potentially shorten the lives of others and drive them into some despair for not realizing they could've said or done just a little bit more.

But this voice in the back of my head says... do it, make them pay, make them suffer. I'm fucking tired of this, it's been a long time since I was hung up like this.

Saint johns Wort is a natural MAOI

 

[BourbonMac]

I do have love for myself, so it's complicated. But I also have many doubts. I'll write a poem or a song, think it's brilliant, and then after awhile think it's trash. Then again, a writer is always critical of their work.

I've used quite a bit of DMT lately, and a breakthrough last night completely killed my ego to the point of it taking an hour of sitting in a catatonic trance slowly realizing who I was again. I've come to realize this is no cure all. Actually, smaller amounts work better for mood in general it seems. But I can't rely on psychedelics to save my life, I can't rely on any drug. If it keeps me going, sure, I'll have at it for the time being... but it's still all very complicated. I had one of the worst headaches of my life earlier and did just a small bit of DMT and it helped like crazy, this was just an experiment. I added 0.5g of shrooms in the mix and am in no pain, well, physically anyway. Today was quite a mess, dysfunctional family Easter shit, chronic headaches and an ongoing battle with chronic tinnitus that continues to worsen.

I see an ENT Tuesday about it and a possible solution. If there isn't one, I'm very afraid of how I will react and what I might do. I can't help but be suicidal and I wish I could. When I made this thread I was very hurt emotionally, but it's the physical issues that have emotionally weakened me significantly. I was doing incredibly well last June and July after a successful sinus surgery which cleared both my headaches and tinnitus, though the tinnitus was never chronic before that. It began to get significantly worse around middle of August, and has only gotten worse since. Well, the past month in particular it's gotten way, way worse. I would have some good days, periods of silence, and kava helped quite a bit for some reason, but my skin was beginning to have a horrible reaction and I basically can't take it now as a result. Unfortunate given many people have no problems with it, and I took it for 2 months before having any kind of dry skin or rashes forming.

My signature has summed up how I feel about myself for quite awhile now.

 

[negrogesic]

As far as psychedelics go, ketamine will do more for suicidal ideation than DMT. I've personally found that sometimes serotonergic psychedelics make me feel worse in certain ways afterwards.

 

[jsinger]

Yeah it’s really hard to do though for some. Especially when they are suffering from certain things, but yes it’s very important. And we can all learn to love ourselves.

I think the first step is self care. Ya know the basics. Taking care of your nutrition, adequate sleep, not over working yourself, showers, brushing our teeth, etc. I think that’s the first step in learning to love ourselvesz

Then comes forgiving ourselves and accepting ourselves which is what one of the hardest parts but once we can do that the world starts to appear less dark and less grim and maybe hope even comes back into our lives if even in a small amount. Hope is such a powerful emotion. So powerful…

This has been a long-term problem for me. I don't really know what I can say about it, I could go into specifics, or I could just let it rest. People can tell me they love me, I feel alright for a little while, but it wears off like a drug. Or if they don't tell me, it's even worse and I feel completely worthless. Anyone who's followed my stuff for awhile would know I suffer heavily from C-PTSD, OCD, anxiety and depression (and ADHD but that is what it is). This is a catastrophic mix of things to cause a problem like this. Probably some attachment disorder in there as well, that was never diagnosed though. I think I just have symptoms that resemble it. I'm not afraid to let people in, but I do have a limit. A point where they can't go any further because they'll realize how broken I am.

So I've got this totally shattered heart thing going on. I've been suicidal for years, especially the past year, but right now it's just like... I'm too hopeless to even die. I feel like my soul has been sucked out, completely flat, a level of hopelessness and depression I have not felt in years and didn't even know I was capable of feeling. At least 4 years or so since I've last felt this horrible. And it's like, even if I know someone loves me, and has told me time and time again, I get upset if I'm not reminded often.

My mental health squabbles have driven quite a few old friends of mine away over the years, and some pretty recently as well. I guess sometimes it's too much for someone to hear about. Well, I guess that isn't the case here. Everyone is struggling somehow, or they're just doing drugs. Fact is, drug users are more open minded and sensitive. I don't really know where I'm going with this, I just feel totally dead inside. I was considering doing an insane amount of DMT just to see what the hell it'd do to me in this state... I had a strong trip last night and had this idea that if I die, everything and everyone dies. That goes against what I really believe, but it just felt like in that moment, at least coming down, and has often been the case, that I have to live. I'll hurt too many people that matter to me if I kill myself. I'll potentially shorten the lives of others and drive them into some despair for not realizing they could've said or done just a little bit more.

But this voice in the back of my head says... do it, make them pay, make them suffer. I'm fucking tired of this, it's been a long time since I was hung up like this.

I feel very similar to what you’re describing at times and as a fellow addict would agree on sensitivity being a common trait. Loving yourself is extremely difficult when your thoughts focus on your imperfections.
When I got really serious about wanting to change the direction of my life I remember recognizing that my brain has this tendency to be a real prick to me and sorting out the lies from my subconscious was first step.
Write down your patterns of thinking and really analyze the whys to your thoughts that are causing self loathing. Writing the thoughts down helps and pin point what’s the trigger to my ill thoughts of self and if it’s mental disorder causing the issues. Next time your mind trashes you categorize that voice as depression or ptsd (diseased thoughts) as such and look for ways to counteract the disordered thoughts.
It’s a process that is easy to give up on due to the fact that your subconscious is predominantly filled with disses from diseased thinking and you gotta believe it’s possible to change how view yourself. It took my almost ten years to recognize that my strengths outweigh my flaws.
Another helpful tip is we hide are flaws from others so it appears like you’re alone in your misery but thats also disease talk. Wishing you the best and keep on keeping on bc life is crazy and never know what could happen that will give you a different perspective

 

[RedRum OG]

I do have love for myself, so it's complicated. But I also have many doubts. I'll write a poem or a song, think it's brilliant, and then after awhile think it's trash. Then again, a writer is always critical of their work.

I've used quite a bit of DMT lately, and a breakthrough last night completely killed my ego to the point of it taking an hour of sitting in a catatonic trance slowly realizing who I was again. I've come to realize this is no cure all. Actually, smaller amounts work better for mood in general it seems. But I can't rely on psychedelics to save my life, I can't rely on any drug. If it keeps me going, sure, I'll have at it for the time being... but it's still all very complicated. I had one of the worst headaches of my life earlier and did just a small bit of DMT and it helped like crazy, this was just an experiment. I added 0.5g of shrooms in the mix and am in no pain, well, physically anyway. Today was quite a mess, dysfunctional family Easter shit, chronic headaches and an ongoing battle with chronic tinnitus that continues to worsen.

I see an ENT Tuesday about it and a possible solution. If there isn't one, I'm very afraid of how I will react and what I might do. I can't help but be suicidal and I wish I could. When I made this thread I was very hurt emotionally, but it's the physical issues that have emotionally weakened me significantly. I was doing incredibly well last June and July after a successful sinus surgery which cleared both my headaches and tinnitus, though the tinnitus was never chronic before that. It began to get significantly worse around middle of August, and has only gotten worse since. Well, the past month in particular it's gotten way, way worse. I would have some good days, periods of silence, and kava helped quite a bit for some reason, but my skin was beginning to have a horrible reaction and I basically can't take it now as a result. Unfortunate given many people have no problems with it, and I took it for 2 months before having any kind of dry skin or rashes forming.

My signature has summed up how I feel about myself for quite awhile now.

No good artist likes their art 24/7, for the record. Most musicians, painters, and writers I love often age and say the very work that made me love them was trash. Some of my favorite books were left on the cutting room floor until the author's death because they believed it to be so worthless as to be unreleasable, but upon post-humuous release is very well received

Just a thought. Maybe you should just be releasing your art and letting the people review it, instead of doing it yourself. For you the work of art is likely the act of creation itself

 

[Dreamflyer]

I felt like this as a kid/teenager, mainly because I got bullied a lot and had a very verbally abusive father. As I got older and started getting positive attention from people, it went away.

Now I feel like this all over again because of my living situation. I'm in my early 50's, live with my mother, have no job, no car, and not even a bank account (mainly from being addicted to drugs for so many years).

I have a lot of friends and family who assure me that I'm a great guy, but I just feel as though I have nothing to offer anybody.

I know logically that I'm not a bad person. I'm a good friend, son, Christian, vegan, etc. But I've made so many mistakes in my life that I don't know how to love myself, so I can't imagine how anybody else could either.