• S E X
    L O V E +
    R E L A T I O N S H I P S


    ❤️ Welcome Guest! ❤️


    Posting Guidelines Bluelight Rules
  • SLR Moderators: axe battler | xtcgrrrl | arrall

I feel stuck in a really toxic relationship

B

Bluuberry

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 18, 2014
Messages
526
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of this post. I just don't have any friends anymore. The past years with my girlfriend have sucked the life out of me. so I lost all my social contacts or they moved years ago. Now I'm in a place where I don't have a job, I just get sporadic work but I can't seem to ever get ahead. So I can't just move out of the house we live in together, I couldn't even afford the security deposit or account for my income.

I love her, I really do. But she treats me like I'm worthless. Tonight she told me that a friend of hers "has his shit together way more than me" because he has a car, even though he lives at his parents still as an adult. I support myself and pay all my own bills, and I'm saving up to buy a car right now. It doesn't even make sense. But she decided to yell at me and tell me she doesn't want to be together anymore, then she locked me out of our bedroom and put a chair against the door. She constantly tells me she doesn't want me anymore, then the next day acts like it never happened and if I bring up that I'm sad, she'll just treat me like garbage.

I got as fucked up as possible and laid on the couch and just couldn't sleep. so I went to knock on her door at 5 am, crying and telling her I was feeling suicidal and want to end it all right now and I need her help, just to let me lay in bed silently and be close to another human being, and she told me to fuck off.

Just earlier today she said she really wants to stay together and be my lover, and said she cares deeply about me. I don't get it?

I've become so stressed out that I have one of the worst polydrug addictions I've ever had before at this point. I can't stop doing drugs when I'm in this environment, but I can't figure out how to get out of this environment without becoming homeless. I don't want to get addicted to benzos again and god knows what a year of daily mxe use is doing to my body. I'm already back to drinking 3-9 beers every night, I had stopped drinking a month or two ago. Shit, here I am at 6 in the morning drinking a beer because I had a panic attack literally all night trying to lay on the couch and sleep.

If anyone actually read this, thank you. I just don't know who to talk to anymore. She doesn't give a shit about me and I have no friends that care enough to listen to my problems. I don't even know what I'm asking for. Advice I guess?

I just want to be happy. Everytime I pick myself up to make positive changes, she's there to attack my self esteem and tell me she thinks I'm a worthless drugged out loser. Even though she's the one doing nothing with her life, I have so many goals and projects and I'm completing them when she's not bringing me down to hell.

I spend all my time trying to encourage her to be happy because she's suicidally depressed, I find counselors who will talk to her for free but she refuses to go, I cook her meals and take care of her responsibilities and always listen to her, I'm always there for her, I just don't get how she can ignore and actually be malicious towards someone who cares so much.
 
What a cunt..yea i said it..u know what u have to do....your only wasting more time staying..do u really love her or do u just hate being alone?..good luck my friend wish i had some advice besides get away from super bitch
 
I am so sorry to hear about your situation, I can empathize with you completely, I don't have friends or a family that gives a fuck. Hell, one reason I joined this site that I don't tell anyone about is that I'm just lonely and want people to talk to, I post long replies and reply to things as much as possible just in hopes someone will talk to me, or be a friend. I end up with this false sense of entitlement, like oh hey check out my post, and I will re-read something I posted a million times over just to pretend and convince myself what I wrote helped or mattered, crazy right? Like, talk about depressing and desperate to be important in some way, or gain praise but hey, life has me down and I am sensitive *shrug*. I just got out of a relationship with a girl who, twice, treated me the same way, only the first time she cheated. She played games, toyed with my heart; saying one thing and doing another, lying, drama, demeaning comments, ignoring me the works and more. I couldn't figure out why she could say 'I love you' so often, unblinking but still be lying and treat me like shit. I also couldn't understand why I loved her so much at first. I finally realized the only reason I loved her was out of desperation, denial and loneliness. Having no one to talk to or care about me for so long made it easy for me to just fall in love with someone, and become eager, almost desperate for a hug, to cuddle, a kiss or even a text and when she would ignore me or make up an excuse it hurt, a lot and I would just accept it and keep trying, no matter how many tears it cost. Eventually I realized just how lonely I was, how badly I missed and craved the attention of someone and just how blinded I had allowed myself to become; even convincing myself her actions were my fault. All because I needed affection and someone to care like an addict needs a fix. I finally broke it off, and I had lied to myself so well that I actually cried, blaming myself and thinking leaving her was a mistake. It was hard to move on and go back to having nobody to text, call, email or see and it was depressing... At first. About a week after the break up I was on the porch smoking a joint when I realized I had actually been okay with having nobody the past couple days, and didn't even know it. I learned that the pain from loneliness and literally having no one in your life was better than being with someone who thinks your heart is something she can play with and do what she wanted with and you'll still love her, that hurt worse than the pain I go through now. So Now I just check Bluelight to see if people actually respond to me, look for work and stay inside. My insecurities keep me from socializing, not to mention my conversational skills are shit when in person because all I focus on is how everyone is judging me.

The only reason I told you that nutshell of a sob story? And Yeah, that is a nutshell of a description too... I had to refrain from getting to in depth, I tend to just ramble, rant and rave once my fingers touch the keys but anyway. I said all that because as I read your post I felt like it was so similar to my previous relationship. Also the way you just want someone to be there, the loneliness and desperation to feel happy again; everything. It just felt like I was reading something I would be going through so I thought I would share a bit of those similarities with you and also to try and maybe help you learn the lesson I did; its better to be alone than to be with someone who's going to scarr your heart. Think about the next girl you might meet, and how hard it would be for you to build a relationship with her if you stay clung to this false hope of your current girlfriend actually meaning those words and actually caring about you until the day comes she just leaves and you're left caught off guard and hurting. Trust would be hard, you would be concerned about every tiny negative feeling, no matter how insignificant, not to mention being more concerned about being hurt again rather than the happiness that would be in front of you, but most of all? It would just be a really fucked up sabotage. Oh, and sorry if I crossed any boundaries, offend(ed), or anything, I'm just a loser with a lot of past pains, and a lot of advice who acts like what he is writing is more profound or useful than it really is, that just wants to help. Now, what I don't understand is why you can't move out. You say your work is sporadic, but it is still work. Plenty of people are always looking for roommates, renting out bedrooms, couches etc etc. Unless your work is so sporadic that you couldn't at least pay $100 a month you should be fine if you dig hard enough. I think you want to stay, for the same reason you stay in the relationship; you don't want to let go, you want her to love you the way you love her and mean it and it is that exact denial and false hope that will eat away at your heart, keep you trapped and in the future possibly prevent you from opening up to the right person when that time comes and that is a much worse pain than breaking up with her, and taking time to heal. Hell, I moved out of my place with no job, not even random work, just $200 a month of food stamps and still found a roommate who let me stay for a whole year just off foodstamps while I looked for work; I'm certain you have more options than you think.

So, I didn't mean to sound like a dick near the endings of that, and I know I made a lot of big assumptions and possibly was a little presumptuous, for that I am sorry, especially if everything I said was wrong; cause then I look really stupid, sitting here thinking I'm helping. I also didn't mean to like... Scare you, if that happened; I know I got a little intense about the pain that could occur if you stick around and try to wait for that love. I just would hate for you to be hurt like I was the first time because I loved her and wanted so bad for things to work that it almost killed me. My mistake? I didn't listen to myself the first time and went back. Now, as I said in that last paragraph, I am worse off than if I had just let go because now I resent, now I assume all females are disgusted by me and when I'm in a relationship everything is suspicious and I can't just trust them; don't make that mistake, don't let your heart become jaded like mine is.

Also, another option for money is always the wel-fare office, just a suggestion I suppose. Never let her, or anyone, no matter how much you love them strike your self-esteem down, especially when it involves YOUR success and future. Just always keep in mind you are tying to do better and she isn't, so she has nothing to hold over you to make you feel bad if you're actually putting work in and she's letting her life slip away. I know you love her, but don't let her suicidal tendencies and depression guilt you into thinking you owe her, or have to be there to take care of her because you don't. Her depression is not your fault, no matter what she says. You try to love her, try to care and be there but all she does is shove it back in your face and that is not your fault; don't feel like you should be punished for caring. I know it is hard to just walk away from it all but if you really try, and I mean really try (starting with housing/apt opportunities) you can get out of all of this but it is up to you to decide whether she is worth the pain and heartache, or if you're ready to cut ties and work on yourself; projects, goals and future in general. I don't know either of you well but based on your post I don't believe for a second that you if you just stick it you'll get the breakthrough you want, and that she'll love you the way you love her. When you're ready to let go, and feel it is time to find that happiness you so crave, you could always message me or email me ([email protected]) if I helped out at all and I will continue to be someone you can talk to if you need to, everyone should have someone.

Sorry again if this was all just pointless or doesn't help... I tried :/
I do hope you will be okay.
 
Hey man, I read your whole post and it meant a lot to me. Thank you, really. Those were all things I needed to hear. I think me and her are broken up now. She's refusing to communicate with me or even look at me this point. Normally I would be having a mental breakdown but I think I might be ok. You're right, I'm worth more than how she treats me. And my hearts definitely become jaded. Thanks for the encouragement, I'll shoot you an email.
 
Hey, I'll reply to your email when I can but I can only message every 180sec and I am working out n issue with an admin. I am glad I could help you at all, makes me feel good. Oh, there is no 'I think I might be okay' no, only 'I WILL be okay.' :D

I am sorry you have to deal with such stress but now that you are free from her, you should take this moment to, instead of being upset, take in a long breath of relief and just feel that stress and weight she caused lift off you.
 
I sent a PM, I'm not sure what you mean about the 180sec thing. Yeah, I AM okay. And you're right, I feel free and relieved to know that I don't have to carry all her bullshit anymore. She's used me up until I had nothing left to use and now she's tossed me away. Fuck that. I have nothing to be sad about. It's still hard for me not to cry though.

By the way, everything you said about yourself and the way you were hurt is like a mirror image of how I feel. I can't even pick one thing because it was like it was me writing the post, it was all so true to my life.
 
That's why when I read your post I just had to reply! See, you're like the bounce back king man! And I am greenlighter, for some reason I can only send one pm every 180seconds :/
 
OP, I'm sorry you're stuck in this abusive scenario. I hope the 'breakup' you mentioned winds up sticking. It hurts when we give away so much of ourselves to someone who can't appreciate it, let alone when they reciprocate with hatefulness and abuse.

You story reminds me of a girl I dated in my early twenties. I thought I loved her, maybe I did, but every time I would reach out to her and she would deny my affection, I became more desperate. My romantic gestures became more grandiose, but with each attempt to win her over, she'd pull away that much further. The more I pleaded for her love, the more cruel she became. I lived in her apartment and told myself I had nowhere else to go (in part because I didn't want to leave). She cheated on me numerous times, and whenever I caught her she would become violently angry. She used to beat her head against the wall, I think just to demonstrate how enduring that sort of pain was a pleasant alternative to listening to me talk about my feelings. She'd ignore me for days, then scream at me if I prodded her for attention. She'd push me to my breaking point, then mock me and laugh at me when I cried. I drank heavily and took xanax on a nightly basis to cope with the stress of the situation. Through all of this I believed she was just working through a phase of some sort and would come around. She told me I was the love of her life and that she just needed some time to settle into the idea of commitment. I wanted that to be true, so I kept trying.

In retrospect, she probably would have responded to being ignored or neglected or abused, but it wasn't in me. I thought, 'what kind of human being doesn't respond to love?'. It's what everybody wants at their core, right? If any of this sounds familiar, you need to run for your life. This type of abuse will scar you forever, and the sad truth is, you're inviting her to treat you this way. You're telling yourself you have no place to go, but I almost guarantee you, you could think of something if your life depended on it. When I finally had a complete breakdown and left this girl, I had no plan and no place to go. I lived out of my car for two weeks. Since I was out all day roaming around I started socializing more and rekindled some old friendships. The parents of an old friend of mine took pity on me and allowed me to stay in their basement. I wound up with a job shortly thereafter and found my own apartment. I retrieved most of my belongings, and what she refused to return was worth losing to get away from her. We bought a kitten together while we were together and I wound up trading her a DVD copy of "Punch Drunk Love" for custody after I had my own place. Her name is Max and she's almost 12 years old now (she's sitting right beside me). I mean, who trades their pet for a DVD? what a cold bitch!

My point is, you will eventually wind up reaching a breaking point and having to leave. I could have avoided living out of my car with just a little planning. I promise you that you'd be better off sleeping on some couches or even living in a shelter for a week or two than sticking around this girl. If you take the plunge and escape, you may have nothing for a moment, but, in most cases, having nothing is great motivation to take control of your life. You'd be surprised how quickly you'll find a source of income and a place to live if you find yourself roughing it. It's worth it.

This girl doesn't love you. She wants to keep you around because you offer yourself freely and will give her the love she periodically craves or thinks she might eventually crave without demanding anything from her. It sounds like she's keeping you around 'just in case'. In time you may discover that you don't really love her either. In my case, anyway, my ego wouldn't allow me to accept that I couldn't win this girl over. She gave me just enough to keep hope alive, and I was determined to see a return on my investment. You've put so much into this that it feels like you're throwing all of the time you've spent on her away if you give up, when in reality you're just wasting more of your life by sticking around. You can walk away from this having learned a valuable life-lesson. I have never let another woman treat me that way since I left. In retrospect, it was one of the most valuable relationships I've participated in because of what it taught me about myself and about love.

You can take the rest of what I'm about to say or leave it - it's just my humble opinion and may not apply to you.

It is possible to find a woman who actually responds to being loved exuberantly. Unfortunately, you might find that you need a challenge to stay passionate and that what you're confusing for love is just a refusal to admit defeat - sometimes the fun is in the chase, and once you get what you think you want you realize it's not all it's cracked up to be. Love can be a fucked up game. There is a delicate balance that must be established for a relationship to be mutually beneficial, and it's even more rare for both parties to feel loved adequately. I'm still looking for my perfect lover, but I'm certainly not putting up with any more abuse along the way (I'll put up with a lot of quirky bullshit, but I'm done being abused). I'm suggesting that you stay open-minded and explore all different corners of romance - there's no telling where you'll find true love. Regardless, there is no sense tolerating this girls destructive behavior.

You claim to be scared to leave because you're not in a position to support yourself. I have full confidence in your ability to survive without your girlfriend's support, even if you have to 'go camping' for a little while. I think your real fear of leaving is the fear of being alone - the fear that perhaps this is the only type of love you're cut out for or the only love you'll be able to find. If that's the case, fuck it, go without love for a while and see if you can build some respect for yourself. It's tough to love somebody who doesn't respect themselves, and it's tough to respect the type of person who's willing to lie down so that somebody can shit all over them. You'll only be worthy of your own respect if you put your foot down and tell this girl to fuck off. If you have to rough it to survive because you bailed on this self-destructive, abusive situation, you'll only feel more empowered for having endured and survived. Once you've earned some self-respect and confidence you'll be ready for/worthy of real love. Until then, you've got your heart (and your dick) in a vice and you're turning the crank.

If that last bit sounds like a lecture, it's because I feel very strongly about this. If you get out before the walls cave in on you, you might be able to avoid a an even more desperate situation (a desperater situation :)). Any additional pain you endure at the hands of this monster is on you. She may be the shitbag in this situation, but you're giving her all of her ammunition.

Good luck with your escape. I feel for you.

-D.C.C.
 
Last edited:
Bluuberry : sounds like you are trying to make yourself a better person. Paying your own bills and shit. But you're drinking and looking at drugs to deal with the depression and the shit she is throwing at you. What she is doing is not love... guy or woman, no matter the sexual orientation. Its BS and is sucking the life out of you.

You have to make an effort to escape. Go home to your parents, be honest with them... get a job, go to school, save for a cheap car that runs reliable ($2000 or so) and stay away from people like that. Don't worry about your rent or bills... take what is yours and move out. Let her have the house and she can be with the other guy who has his shit together until she sucks him dry.

She doesn't love you... and she's crazy... making you crazy.
 
Bojangleston, clear out your pms!

Colonel Contin, clitnhawk, thanks for the response. You guys are fucking awesome. That was all exactly what I needed to hear. She took away all my power and made me feel to blame for all the problems she created. I already feel so much better after hearing from you all. I didn't even realize how much she was hurting me until I read what you all said, and realized it sounded just like me. Realizing that it's a completely fucked up situation, and it's one that I've been living with for 5 years. The worst part is I broke up with an amazing girl to be with this chick. That girl still talks to me and is helping me through all this, but she lives on the other side of the country now. She was my best partner and is still my best friend and still loves me to this day even after I left her for this monster. I regret so much ever believing all these lies this horrible person fed me. Even now she keeps coming around me trying to tell me how I made HER feel bad. As if I should fucking care after she's chewed me up and used me for all I was worth and then spit me out. She acts as if I should still listen to her problems and give a fuck, even though she dumped me. I'm just glad she finally did because I didn't understand that I NEED to split apart from her.

I feel so fucking free now that I'm not with her anymore. BL will always be home for me. I've been on this website since I was 12. I've even met bluelighters at festivals, just by chance.

Everything that was said on here gave me such a reality check.. I can't thank you guys enough. I think I would be falling apart right now if it were not for having some perspective from other people. I'm getting as much work as possible right now and going to buy my own car as soon as possible, then save up enough to move out. In the mean time I'll be downsizing all my stuff so I can be more mobile. I'm so excited to have my life back.
 
Last edited:
Your option of being homeless currently doesn't sound like the lesser of two evils, unfortunately. Start weening off the drugs/alcohol, and come up with a plan. Muster up the strength, and the day you say fuck you and walk out on the bitch, you will feel absolutely liberated. Unfortunately man, we can sit here and shower you with tips/advice, but you are the only one who can make something happen. No one deserves that, no one. She clearly has her own issues to deal with, and god bless the next soul she ends up with. This is something that will present problems later on down the line in other relationships for you, and I would suggest seeking therapy to help you find the tools to cope with life without abusing drugs/alcohol.

Reading this really resonated with me, and I don't want to sit here and say I feel sorry for you, but you can honestly feel your pain through text. That isn't right, and I wish the best for you that you get out of your situation. Good luck man, and if you can, keep us updated?
 
Hey, thanks for checking in pokepoke!

I'm doing really well actually. I went and hung out with a girl who recognized me from cooking Food Not Bombs from like at least 6 years ago. We had a great conversation and it really healed me to talk to a woman who was so interested in me and actually gives a shit what I have to say. She even remembered how to spell my name, which everyone fucks up! She invited me to go the river and I'm gonna help her with some projects in her garden.

Me and my ex are getting along surprisingly well actually. She is starting to see all the problems she was creating. She decided she really wants to be with me, but I told her there's no fucking way unless she basically treats me 100% differently. So I'm making a list of my boundaries and giving it to her and giving her some time to think about if that's something she's interested in. I'm not sure if I want to be in a relationship with her at all anymore or not, but either way whatever we are doing now is going to be way different.

I told her I'm going to focus on myself and not put the relationship in front of my own needs ever again. That means being poly so that I can actually be sexually satisfied for the first time in fucking years. That means I'm going to travel when and where I please, regardless of if she wants me at the house so that she never feels lonely or bored. That means I'm going to focus on work, which for me means being out of town most of the time.

I don't know if our idea for a more open, poly relationship will work or not. But the way I see it, I'm going to do me either way. I already told her if I set these boundaries and she crosses them to the point of a habit, then it's over for good. Already last night she crossed a boundary by waking me up in the middle of the night to ask me a dozen stressful questions about our relationship. So that's not a good sign..

No matter what happens with me or her, I feel like a new person. I feel empowered to demand what I want out of life and take it, and I won't let her get in the way of that. I'm certainly never going to put another person's whims and desires ahead of my own. I used to think I was being selfless but now I realize I was just being somewhat.. pathetic?

As far as the drugs go, I'm trying to come off this 8 month MXE binge. I think my organs are unhappy. I'm a hypochondriac so it's hard for me to be SURE, but I keep getting this weird inflamed, shaky feeling in my organs. I don't know why the fuck it's so hard for me to stop the shit, I think my body just craves the serotonin release because lord knows I don't get much serotonin released naturally though anything I have been doing.

Today I'm TRYING to not do any MXE. It might be more like I just don't start doing it til the evening. But that's better than doing a line the second I wake up. So I took some kratom and I'm gonna try and just focus on cleaning and organizing my things. I have been taking around 4 mgs of etizolam for a week or two every night. Yesterday I took 3mgs and tonight I'm going to take 2, 1 the day after that, then I'm gonna try taking a break from that. It's hard because I'm a hardcore insomniac, even if I took zero drugs, I could end up laying in bed literally all night without sleep. It's fucked. And as far as alcohol, I'm back to drinking like 4 beers every night. I'd like to scale that back less but at this point I'm just trying to focus on getting off the MXE and benzos, cause that shit really scares me. It sucks cause I used MXE to get off of alcohol months ago, and it worked and I wasn't super addicted to MXE at that point, I was able to take breaks when I wanted. But then everything went to shit and I started drinking again with the MXE.

I fucking love MXE and it's an important part of my life but I gotta get my use under control. Can't let the drugs do ME, you know? I'm taking a trip to somewhere really special to me where my best friend lives. He just broke up with his girl of a long time as well, just last week. So I'm gonna go down there with no MXE or benzos and I know I'll have a blast with him and my other homies that live around there. And after that, I'm gonna have work out of town on most days. I don't bring MXE with me to work and I don't need to bring benzos because I work myself into exhaustion most days and sleep in my tent like a baby.

I think the biggest part of my addiction is sitting at this desk with all my drugs at hand, and her walking around the house making me feel like shit. So I lock myself in my bedroom and get high til I feel great again. Then she makes it all come crashing down again, and there I am doing more drugs to make myself feel like a human again. So if I spend the majority of my time somewhere else, I think it will all come together.

You guys are so awesome. Thanks so much for caring. I would be in a horrible place right now were it not for all the advice in this thread.
 
So this is an old post, but I hope you got away from her...she was hurting you to make herself feel better. Terrible.
 
I hope you were able to get out of this abusive relationship, and get a handle on your drug addictions/abuse. Good luck.
 
I think some time apart would do you some real good. Try thinking of finding another place to stay, kicking her out, or just plain moving out. If you don't know what to say.. draft your letter on BL--we'll help you! ;D
 
Colonel contin's story sounds eerily similar to mine and you gave some really great advice...op, listen to this guy, he knows what hes talking about.
 
Bluuberry said:
Hey, thanks for checking in pokepoke!

I'm doing really well actually. I went and hung out with a girl who recognized me from cooking Food Not Bombs from like at least 6 years ago. We had a great conversation and it really healed me to talk to a woman who was so interested in me and actually gives a shit what I have to say. She even remembered how to spell my name, which everyone fucks up! She invited me to go the river and I'm gonna help her with some projects in her garden.

Me and my ex are getting along surprisingly well actually. She is starting to see all the problems she was creating. She decided she really wants to be with me, but I told her there's no fucking way unless she basically treats me 100% differently. So I'm making a list of my boundaries and giving it to her and giving her some time to think about if that's something she's interested in. I'm not sure if I want to be in a relationship with her at all anymore or not, but either way whatever we are doing now is going to be way different.

I told her I'm going to focus on myself and not put the relationship in front of my own needs ever again. That means being poly so that I can actually be sexually satisfied for the first time in fucking years. That means I'm going to travel when and where I please, regardless of if she wants me at the house so that she never feels lonely or bored. That means I'm going to focus on work, which for me means being out of town most of the time.

I don't know if our idea for a more open, poly relationship will work or not. But the way I see it, I'm going to do me either way. I already told her if I set these boundaries and she crosses them to the point of a habit, then it's over for good. Already last night she crossed a boundary by waking me up in the middle of the night to ask me a dozen stressful questions about our relationship. So that's not a good sign..

No matter what happens with me or her, I feel like a new person. I feel empowered to demand what I want out of life and take it, and I won't let her get in the way of that. I'm certainly never going to put another person's whims and desires ahead of my own. I used to think I was being selfless but now I realize I was just being somewhat.. pathetic?

As far as the drugs go, I'm trying to come off this 8 month MXE binge. I think my organs are unhappy. I'm a hypochondriac so it's hard for me to be SURE, but I keep getting this weird inflamed, shaky feeling in my organs. I don't know why the fuck it's so hard for me to stop the shit, I think my body just craves the serotonin release because lord knows I don't get much serotonin released naturally though anything I have been doing.

Today I'm TRYING to not do any MXE. It might be more like I just don't start doing it til the evening. But that's better than doing a line the second I wake up. So I took some kratom and I'm gonna try and just focus on cleaning and organizing my things. I have been taking around 4 mgs of etizolam for a week or two every night. Yesterday I took 3mgs and tonight I'm going to take 2, 1 the day after that, then I'm gonna try taking a break from that. It's hard because I'm a hardcore insomniac, even if I took zero drugs, I could end up laying in bed literally all night without sleep. It's fucked. And as far as alcohol, I'm back to drinking like 4 beers every night. I'd like to scale that back less but at this point I'm just trying to focus on getting off the MXE and benzos, cause that shit really scares me. It sucks cause I used MXE to get off of alcohol months ago, and it worked and I wasn't super addicted to MXE at that point, I was able to take breaks when I wanted. But then everything went to shit and I started drinking again with the MXE.

I fucking love MXE and it's an important part of my life but I gotta get my use under control. Can't let the drugs do ME, you know? I'm taking a trip to somewhere really special to me where my best friend lives. He just broke up with his girl of a long time as well, just last week. So I'm gonna go down there with no MXE or benzos and I know I'll have a blast with him and my other homies that live around there. And after that, I'm gonna have work out of town on most days. I don't bring MXE with me to work and I don't need to bring benzos because I work myself into exhaustion most days and sleep in my tent like a baby.

I think the biggest part of my addiction is sitting at this desk with all my drugs at hand, and her walking around the house making me feel like shit. So I lock myself in my bedroom and get high til I feel great again. Then she makes it all come crashing down again, and there I am doing more drugs to make myself feel like a human again. So if I spend the majority of my time somewhere else, I think it will all come together.

You guys are so awesome. Thanks so much for caring. I would be in a horrible place right now were it not for all the advice in this thread.
Click to expand...

oh my god your kidneys! please stop for sake of your kidneys.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top