The Answer
The only thing holding me back all these years was the classic text book answer. DENIAL, I spent years ridiculing AA, and basically the system in general, sure I played it a couple times, but I was never there on my own.. Lies were the foundation of my addiction. You know that same old saying you cant love anyone until you love yourself, well I believe the same holds true for lying. I lied to myself for years and didnt know it, just because of that famous word DENIAL. I knew I was different or rather thought, I had all the answers, I drank because I loved to get fucked up, which without even knowing I was lying to myself and truly never found the root cause to my addiction. For years it was band aid fixes and destruction compounding over the years. I was unwilling pretty much is what it was. I wanted to go outside the norm and prove I wasnt an alcoholic, when deep down inside I knew I had a problem, and little lies to myself started it all, I would wake up shaking, feeling sick, and usually in secret I would have morning drinks, to knock off the edge. This pattern would set the foundation up uintil to the final days of my drinking career. I could ramble on and list all the cliche things I did, hiding drinks, taking extra shots, in the morning and the funny thing is for years I was convinced it was because I wanted to keep the party going, never once sitting back and looking at the big picture and see the underlying cause of my drinking, I was blinded by Denial. I did your typical alcholic things, I lied, I stole, I hurt physically and emotionally my spouse, and I always promised to change. Im not saying I didnt mean it, I truly did but again the same thing I didnt know the cause of my addiction. I disappointed many people including friends and family, and I was forgiven most of the time, I lost jobs for not showing up, calling in “sick”, I look back after all this and was this lifes way of foreshadowing my realization this time around. The question was did my sub consioncious know I was ”sick”. Because I had to options on those famous sick days, be sick or keep drinking.and go in drunk. And that same concept held true for every event I was “sick” for. The answer was so close, yet so far away. I was blinded by addiction, a term I now believe exists. And the word denial means something a whole lot more now. I understand, and I am willing. So lets fast forward, I know no one believes me anymore, there have been many moments of sobriety I achieved, and all were doomed, its no ones fault but addiction. This time I was fed up, I lost it all, I wasnt there for kids, I pretty much lost my job, the booze was part of it., I had hit what addicts call “rock bottom”, i am certain i could have went further but none the less this is where the new chapter of my life begins. I tried rehab, AA, on my own, and nothing worked for me. I was different, I am open minded, and many will disagree with what I did here but its working and I know it it is. I expect no one to believe me, after all would you? I know it will work and I have to be patient to see the outcome, and I tolerate it all, I get the “dont goto the bar” often, and I am not offended, I earned all this with my hard work of drinking! Amongst other things. Back to why im here I was fed up, nothing was working. In desperation and pretty much secret I started looking up how psychedelic therapy worked in the past when LSD was readily available, I had heard rumour that it was a cure, so to speak. It got rid of the compulsion. I heard psychiatrists used to give the “Alcoholic” a high dose of LSD and during the peak when ego death occured the family would come in and basically attack the patient and really let them know in a no holds barred environment how much alcohol was messing up the family and after the supervised trip some counselling would be done, and the alcoholic appeared to be cured, never wanting to drink again. Now I have lots of experience with pyschedelic drugs, I was a bit of a psychonaut in my youth, I experimented with various substances, LSD, Psylocbin mushrooms, DMT, Mescaline, and I know what outsiders think, “these are party drugs” when in fact any psychonaut will tell you these are tools and are to be used as such. I always maintained that throughout the years, and always had positive, enlightening trips. It was about honesty with oneself. Even with all this positive experience, I too was skeptical, but really at this point what did I have to lose. So I made a decision I was going to use LSD as a last ditch effort. Now I had to keep this all down low and not because LSD is illegal, procuring it is easy and was the least of my concerns. It was everything else, the logisitics behind such a plan. The amounts of LSD they were giving back in the day was not what I wanted to do myself especially “Alone” so I picked up one hit at 150ug(micrograms). I now needed a family, knowing mine wouldnt approve or wouldnt want to was on my mind. So in late spring after I saw my children, I proceded with trying to cut back drinking but when I did, I used my phone to document myself, not hours but moments here and there. And If i wasnt capable I had a friend whom would do it for me. So after several weeks and not watching these videos, I was sure I had horrible footage, disgusting footage. Words cant express what I knew those recordings would have. I saved texts, pretty much anything that could be told to me by family members, so after a couple weeks I had that part done. Now I was ready. I sat on these things for a few more weeks and then one day I knew it was time, I am not sure what it was but I just knew, I had blown through most of my paycheque, I lost personal items, and I was in bad shape. So i knew at the end of that month I was ready. So on that evening I locked myself in my room and proceded to take the lsd and with all lights off and recording i sat in the dark, with them on a loop and listened, I didnt know the person I came to know quite well. The LSD opened up a part of my brain that let me look from outside in and make an assesment as to how to change things. The trip last just over 5 hours at its peak and i rode it out for about 8. I watched, listened and looked for answers. And I am not sure what triggered it but I saw something in that drunken asshole I didnt see someone who wanted to get “fucked up” I saw a sick man, I saw someone who was sick without a drink, i looked sick. I could feel it just listetning the recordings. And the family has spoken and I listened, I started to think of other events in my life which led to this conclusion. I had an answer I was/am sick. And now that I knew the root cause I could proceed to fix it. I came to realize that I was using alcohol to medicate, and not emotion, but physical. Somewhere along the way I had become physically addicted, where my body needed alcohol to feel normal. The when doesnt matter. What matters is i found an answer i found out I was getting sick without it. The foreshadowing was right. I looked at everything, I would drink to feel normal and side effects were getting drunk and as I needed more and more I drank and drank. The intoxication wasnt what I was going for, It was feeling normal but there is no balance either you are normal or drunk. I also realized I hated drinking, i wanted to stop, I had the will. But I needed it. In an instant I had an answer and i knew it to be the one I was seeking, it made sense. Everything fell into place. So that year, I did my own solo LSD Intervention, I wouldnt reccomend for all but under right circumstances there is a magic there. I was lucky it went the way it did. With no formal training I did psychedelic therapy on myself, and for the moment, it seemed to work.. I talked myself out of trip and played all the roles in this therapy. The story doesnt end there, I still was sick, I still wanted to drink. It didnt cure me it gave me the key to the end of alcohol. I had a few days i figured would be the worst of it, so I stayed home, I locked myself in room and detoxed, and never let that memory of that trip fade away. As the sickness went away and the compulsion left, the memory of that night never faded, and hasnt I am constantly reminded why I did what I did. Crazy thing, is its working, I have no love affair with booze, I dont miss waking up confused, sometimes literally dumb, or wondering what I did, or checking my texts. All those side effects to alchohol arent with me anymore. I do have another outlook on my addiction and how powerful addiction really can be. I dont believe a person is addicted to one must be addicted to all, I realized Alcohol is my poison, and I believe it was that first time I got physically addicted and I been fighting it since, never knowing. Which led to all the failed attempts. Basically reasons to believe this wont work. I still use some intoxicants, mainly pot. Call it the lesser of two evils or whatever, point is alcohol is not there, and small changes are happening. Some are the same, people dont believe me, im a time bomb, etc etc. But I Know otherwise. I am not writing this as a plea to believe me, I am writing this because I feel the need to document, what could be the moment that saved and gave me my life back. I am greatful each day for not drinking. And I owe it to myself for keeping up with it, but it was LSD that gave me the answer, so with that I will forever be greatful. People have the right to believe what they want and I respect all points of view, please respect mine, and give me a chance. It worked in the past, and it sure as hell seems to be working on me. Point is I am sober and happy, and have no intention of getting SICK again and letting DENIAL get the best of me. I will never forget the answer. Its my answer, and one day im sure others will share my gratitude. REMEMBER THE VALUE OF HAVING AN OPEN MIND AND BELIEVING IN POSSIBILITY After all it is only human
The only thing holding me back all these years was the classic text book answer. DENIAL, I spent years ridiculing AA, and basically the system in general, sure I played it a couple times, but I was never there on my own.. Lies were the foundation of my addiction. You know that same old saying you cant love anyone until you love yourself, well I believe the same holds true for lying. I lied to myself for years and didnt know it, just because of that famous word DENIAL. I knew I was different or rather thought, I had all the answers, I drank because I loved to get fucked up, which without even knowing I was lying to myself and truly never found the root cause to my addiction. For years it was band aid fixes and destruction compounding over the years. I was unwilling pretty much is what it was. I wanted to go outside the norm and prove I wasnt an alcoholic, when deep down inside I knew I had a problem, and little lies to myself started it all, I would wake up shaking, feeling sick, and usually in secret I would have morning drinks, to knock off the edge. This pattern would set the foundation up uintil to the final days of my drinking career. I could ramble on and list all the cliche things I did, hiding drinks, taking extra shots, in the morning and the funny thing is for years I was convinced it was because I wanted to keep the party going, never once sitting back and looking at the big picture and see the underlying cause of my drinking, I was blinded by Denial. I did your typical alcholic things, I lied, I stole, I hurt physically and emotionally my spouse, and I always promised to change. Im not saying I didnt mean it, I truly did but again the same thing I didnt know the cause of my addiction. I disappointed many people including friends and family, and I was forgiven most of the time, I lost jobs for not showing up, calling in “sick”, I look back after all this and was this lifes way of foreshadowing my realization this time around. The question was did my sub consioncious know I was ”sick”. Because I had to options on those famous sick days, be sick or keep drinking.and go in drunk. And that same concept held true for every event I was “sick” for. The answer was so close, yet so far away. I was blinded by addiction, a term I now believe exists. And the word denial means something a whole lot more now. I understand, and I am willing. So lets fast forward, I know no one believes me anymore, there have been many moments of sobriety I achieved, and all were doomed, its no ones fault but addiction. This time I was fed up, I lost it all, I wasnt there for kids, I pretty much lost my job, the booze was part of it., I had hit what addicts call “rock bottom”, i am certain i could have went further but none the less this is where the new chapter of my life begins. I tried rehab, AA, on my own, and nothing worked for me. I was different, I am open minded, and many will disagree with what I did here but its working and I know it it is. I expect no one to believe me, after all would you? I know it will work and I have to be patient to see the outcome, and I tolerate it all, I get the “dont goto the bar” often, and I am not offended, I earned all this with my hard work of drinking! Amongst other things. Back to why im here I was fed up, nothing was working. In desperation and pretty much secret I started looking up how psychedelic therapy worked in the past when LSD was readily available, I had heard rumour that it was a cure, so to speak. It got rid of the compulsion. I heard psychiatrists used to give the “Alcoholic” a high dose of LSD and during the peak when ego death occured the family would come in and basically attack the patient and really let them know in a no holds barred environment how much alcohol was messing up the family and after the supervised trip some counselling would be done, and the alcoholic appeared to be cured, never wanting to drink again. Now I have lots of experience with pyschedelic drugs, I was a bit of a psychonaut in my youth, I experimented with various substances, LSD, Psylocbin mushrooms, DMT, Mescaline, and I know what outsiders think, “these are party drugs” when in fact any psychonaut will tell you these are tools and are to be used as such. I always maintained that throughout the years, and always had positive, enlightening trips. It was about honesty with oneself. Even with all this positive experience, I too was skeptical, but really at this point what did I have to lose. So I made a decision I was going to use LSD as a last ditch effort. Now I had to keep this all down low and not because LSD is illegal, procuring it is easy and was the least of my concerns. It was everything else, the logisitics behind such a plan. The amounts of LSD they were giving back in the day was not what I wanted to do myself especially “Alone” so I picked up one hit at 150ug(micrograms). I now needed a family, knowing mine wouldnt approve or wouldnt want to was on my mind. So in late spring after I saw my children, I proceded with trying to cut back drinking but when I did, I used my phone to document myself, not hours but moments here and there. And If i wasnt capable I had a friend whom would do it for me. So after several weeks and not watching these videos, I was sure I had horrible footage, disgusting footage. Words cant express what I knew those recordings would have. I saved texts, pretty much anything that could be told to me by family members, so after a couple weeks I had that part done. Now I was ready. I sat on these things for a few more weeks and then one day I knew it was time, I am not sure what it was but I just knew, I had blown through most of my paycheque, I lost personal items, and I was in bad shape. So i knew at the end of that month I was ready. So on that evening I locked myself in my room and proceded to take the lsd and with all lights off and recording i sat in the dark, with them on a loop and listened, I didnt know the person I came to know quite well. The LSD opened up a part of my brain that let me look from outside in and make an assesment as to how to change things. The trip last just over 5 hours at its peak and i rode it out for about 8. I watched, listened and looked for answers. And I am not sure what triggered it but I saw something in that drunken asshole I didnt see someone who wanted to get “fucked up” I saw a sick man, I saw someone who was sick without a drink, i looked sick. I could feel it just listetning the recordings. And the family has spoken and I listened, I started to think of other events in my life which led to this conclusion. I had an answer I was/am sick. And now that I knew the root cause I could proceed to fix it. I came to realize that I was using alcohol to medicate, and not emotion, but physical. Somewhere along the way I had become physically addicted, where my body needed alcohol to feel normal. The when doesnt matter. What matters is i found an answer i found out I was getting sick without it. The foreshadowing was right. I looked at everything, I would drink to feel normal and side effects were getting drunk and as I needed more and more I drank and drank. The intoxication wasnt what I was going for, It was feeling normal but there is no balance either you are normal or drunk. I also realized I hated drinking, i wanted to stop, I had the will. But I needed it. In an instant I had an answer and i knew it to be the one I was seeking, it made sense. Everything fell into place. So that year, I did my own solo LSD Intervention, I wouldnt reccomend for all but under right circumstances there is a magic there. I was lucky it went the way it did. With no formal training I did psychedelic therapy on myself, and for the moment, it seemed to work.. I talked myself out of trip and played all the roles in this therapy. The story doesnt end there, I still was sick, I still wanted to drink. It didnt cure me it gave me the key to the end of alcohol. I had a few days i figured would be the worst of it, so I stayed home, I locked myself in room and detoxed, and never let that memory of that trip fade away. As the sickness went away and the compulsion left, the memory of that night never faded, and hasnt I am constantly reminded why I did what I did. Crazy thing, is its working, I have no love affair with booze, I dont miss waking up confused, sometimes literally dumb, or wondering what I did, or checking my texts. All those side effects to alchohol arent with me anymore. I do have another outlook on my addiction and how powerful addiction really can be. I dont believe a person is addicted to one must be addicted to all, I realized Alcohol is my poison, and I believe it was that first time I got physically addicted and I been fighting it since, never knowing. Which led to all the failed attempts. Basically reasons to believe this wont work. I still use some intoxicants, mainly pot. Call it the lesser of two evils or whatever, point is alcohol is not there, and small changes are happening. Some are the same, people dont believe me, im a time bomb, etc etc. But I Know otherwise. I am not writing this as a plea to believe me, I am writing this because I feel the need to document, what could be the moment that saved and gave me my life back. I am greatful each day for not drinking. And I owe it to myself for keeping up with it, but it was LSD that gave me the answer, so with that I will forever be greatful. People have the right to believe what they want and I respect all points of view, please respect mine, and give me a chance. It worked in the past, and it sure as hell seems to be working on me. Point is I am sober and happy, and have no intention of getting SICK again and letting DENIAL get the best of me. I will never forget the answer. Its my answer, and one day im sure others will share my gratitude. REMEMBER THE VALUE OF HAVING AN OPEN MIND AND BELIEVING IN POSSIBILITY After all it is only human
I'm sure it contains a wonderful story in there somewhere, but in its current form, it's a bit of a walloftext which makes it pretty hard to read 
