I don't know if I should have revealed substance abuse to partner...

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

My current relationship is definitely a long term situation and planned to be permanent. I have snuck pills and such here and there (with him being around me) quite a few times more than I care to state. Going to the bathroom to eat something in my pocket. You guys know the deal. I know that he knew some things were up at the end of it all, and was locked stone cold into one horrid withdrawal situation for a day way back with him there. Could not do anything besides sleep the entire day and just kick my legs out and about, lol. Suboxone saved me luckily and I truly needed it right then and there (thank you god or something). He knew about the kratom and I was open about that part. I definitely suspected that he knew there was something else going on occasionally but realistically in person I am not easy to read. There's only about two people in my life who knew consistently (every single time oddly enough) when I was on something beyond weed. Otherwise, many could not even tell I was on anything at all. The reason I'm telling you all this is because I chose to disclose to him my issues with painkillers. He does not seem to care about the adderall (nor does anyone really) because I'm prescribed stimulants, and oxycodone versus adderall seems to be a hedonistic devil versus something very benign from the general society perspective. Everyone sees oxycodone as a far worse substance when in reality there is not a comparison at all. There can be no comparison whatsoever to any substances in my opinion being as far as one being worse than another. All of it is far too subjective on all accounts.

However, I will get to the point. I regret saying telling him this. Morally speaking, it felt very wrong to not disclose my opioid use to someone I expect to spend my life with. Unfortunately, he has had a nephew with severe substance abuse issues (committing suicide) and a sister with painkiller addiction as well for a decade or more. He reacted very badly. I made it clear and simple, and said that some days I will be high for the current time period--and that I have no intention for it to be a permanent addiction--but that I do relapse to some degree of consistency and that its incredibly hard for me to control. He stated that he would rather have heard me tell him and yet still reacted quite negatively. At this point in time I feel that we have (for the most part) moved on. Furthermore, I can also sense that his reaction towards anything involving me being on painkillers will be an incredibly negative one. I will have to hide it completely from now on from my perspective. It will only stress him out and drive us apart in my opinion. I am not constantly on percocet all day everyday. I do not find myself in withdrawals like the good old days on a constant basis, but despite all this I have to be open and see my use as having been more than recreational many weeks throughout the pandemic. I'm not sure if telling him about my inconsistent painkiller addiction and issues with it in the past was the right move. I regret doing so. With all that is going on in the world and my life right now I do not feel quite capable of ceasing my opioid use forever until the end of time. I will not lie to anyone and say that the society-purposed game plan will ever work for me. I do not know how or when I will be able to stop. I did not want to bring him into any of this anxiety-inducing situation. I pushed him away for almost a year because I knew that substance abuse was my issue for the past 5 years and that I could not hide everything from a serious relationship if it did happen to occur. Inevitably, he started to grow on me far too much and being alone forever on drugs seems like a great way to end up just wanting to off yourself. Should some substance abuse scenarios just not be disclosed in relationships?

 

[JessFR]

Hiding this stuff is not a good idea.

Apart from the fact that relationships generally need to involve trust being in the same page. Frankly... I don't think it's realistic to expect to be able to hide it in the long term.

In my experience a drug addiction always ends up crashing down eventually.

It's not easy... I was with a straight edge partner. My addiction as a major source of conflict in our relationship.

Hiding things from him was definitely part of the reason things went bad. Of course often you end up feeling like you have to hide it even if you would rather be honest about it.

How long have you been using opioids, 5 years? Have you gone to any support services like rehab, maintenance, fellowships etc. I ask cause I'm wondering where you might be at in your addiction and what you might deal with in the future. If you don't mind my asking that is.

 

[Jabberwocky]

First, I applaud your action. This is the only way to stay in a long term relationship. There will always be friction, problems and arguments but being sincere is the only way to keep the relationship going. Having said that there are those "white lies", and if you have nothing to gain from saying "darling I just took my oxycodone", and it would only cause friction than simply dont speak about it. But don't lie either (if questioned). Everything can be fixed in a relationship except trust. That is why every relationship will fall apart if there is more love towards a substance than partner. You did only thing that is correct if you want to be in a long term (life time) relationship. Other side will decide how much if you he/she/it(lol) is ready and willing to handle. I for instance, even though have an addictive personalty and have been dependent on opioids 6 years, could not be in a relationship where somebody I love is killing herself with IV opiods/stimulants. At some moment I would either have to walk away or I would start to IV also and that would mean I'm dead in 6 months. I have seen to many people quickly deteriorate and loose their lives IVing heroin and coke. Taking pills orally and sniffing cocaine is like taking different drugs compared to injecting. What I am trying to say is - don't bring your partner in the situation where you are injecting. Rare are the relationships that stood that test. But, to get back to reality of now, you did great thing in interest of your relationship. Time will tell is it a life long one. But honesty is the only way if you want anything even resembling harmonious relationship.

 

[Jabberwocky]

It sounds like you need to negotiate an agreement with your partner about the role that drugs are going to play in your life. In my view you should be utterly transparent in this. You seem to have two choices in how you frame it:

1. I am an addict and I intend continuing as an addict indefinitely - you need to accept that.

or

2. I am an addict but I don't want to be and I intend starting some recovery - you need to help and support me in that.

If you take option 1, maybe the best option is to put the onus on him to explain what his problem with your drug use is. Clearly he's been able to love you while you are using. Are their aspects of your on-drug behaviour that he does not like? Is it possible for you to continue to take drugs and change those aspects of your behaviour? Would you want to? Find out exactly what his problem is besides 'drugs=bad', and then see if you can make some commitments to address the specifics.

It doesn't sound that you are very near to wanting to go with option 2. However, it may well be that he really wants to support you and help you in recovery. Perhaps that support might make recovery a more viable option that you have considered it in the past?

In either case, if you can negotiate a win-win for both of you, it does not seem like you have a viable relationship. Hiding drug use or lying about it always ends in tears.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

It is never a good idea to lie or hide substance abuse/addiction from a partner.

They will find out about it, and it usually ends a relationship not always because of the drugs, but sometimes from broken trust, or the person feels as though the abuser/addict was lying all along.

 

[jose ribas da silva]

I don't think is good to say something, it may cause the end of the relationship

 

[JessFR]

I don't think is good to say something, it may cause the end of the relationship

It's not realistic to expect to indefinitely hide an addiction. Sooner or alter it always comes out and then it's even worse for all the lying.

 

[jose ribas da silva]

It's not realistic to expect to indefinitely hide an addiction. Sooner or alter it always comes out and then it's even worse for all the lying.

it is better to let them know when love is already installed

 

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

It's not realistic to expect to indefinitely hide an addiction. Sooner or alter it always comes out and then it's even worse for all the lying.

Hey everyone thank you for the replies. My partner knows about the intermittent opioid use and he is not happy about it, but hasn't been pressuring me to be clean ASAP. It felt like if I did hide my use from him (and he found out say two or three years ago) it would be the end of the relationship. I felt obligated to tell him 4 months ago or so.

The thing is I know I should obviously stop 100% and never touch the demons again (as do we all when it comes to percocet and the friends). It seems beyond my control to a degree. The pandemic pushed me over the edge and I started to relapse. Obviously I did not want to return but things happened and urges came flowing in.

I would be willing to go to some sort of maintenance program/situation helpline if I was unable to stop and constantly relapsing. He came at such a random time. I wasn't looking for a relationship and knew the potential problems my habits could create.

Plus, has anyone planned on quitting and had major success right then and there forever? I doubt it lol. Shit happened!

 

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

It sounds like you need to negotiate an agreement with your partner about the role that drugs are going to play in your life. In my view you should be utterly transparent in this. You seem to have two choices in how you frame it:

1. I am an addict and I intend continuing as an addict indefinitely - you need to accept that.

or

2. I am an addict but I don't want to be and I intend starting some recovery - you need to help and support me in that.

If you take option 1, maybe the best option is to put the onus on him to explain what his problem with your drug use is. Clearly he's been able to love you while you are using. Are their aspects of your on-drug behaviour that he does not like? Is it possible for you to continue to take drugs and change those aspects of your behaviour? Would you want to? Find out exactly what his problem is besides 'drugs=bad', and then see if you can make some commitments to address the specifics.

It doesn't sound that you are very near to wanting to go with option 2. However, it may well be that he really wants to support you and help you in recovery. Perhaps that support might make recovery a more viable option that you have considered it in the past?

In either case, if you can negotiate a win-win for both of you, it does not seem like you have a viable relationship. Hiding drug use or lying about it always ends in tears.

I have pretty prevalent addiction from both parents back histories technically. Unlike my dad I despise cocaine and boose though. I definitely notice myself much more resistant to the dysfunctional effects and body's ability to handle some things, lol.

I personally think when I'm on opioids I am a more loving person--but I suppose that is not the right take. It's daunting to live without. 4 months go by and I start wondering what they feel like again. I find opioids to be quite manageable and of course can improve life here and there. The problem is how unfathomably easy it is to want to be high perpetually from the recreational euphoria. How easier it makes life ironically and how used to the feeling everyone can become. I prefer life on opioids because it makes myself more appreciative of the little things but yes I know its reputation proceeds itself. It is more than a choice at this point.. I am mentally attached to it sober or not.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I personally think when I'm on opioids I am a more loving person--but I suppose that is not the right take.

I understand your point. I like myself much better and feel more authentic and less antagonistic towards the world when I’m on amps.

I’d be surprised if a woman without drug prejudices genuinely liked sober me more than ampy me.

However, it was not always the case and historically speaking the worst versions of Atelier3 were closely associated with alcohol and drug use.

 

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

I understand your point. I like myself much better and feel more authentic and less antagonistic towards the world when I’m on amps.

I’d be surprised if a woman without drug prejudices genuinely liked sober me more than ampy me.

However, it was not always the case and historically speaking the worst versions of Atelier3 were closely associated with alcohol and drug use.

Xanax me is the worst iteration. I black out after smooshing chocolate bars into the wall and etcetera unexplainable dumb things in which I have no recollection of.

I remember getting a sandwich on two pot brownies and 4 mgs of xanax. I will never forget how whenever I said anything the employee was like "what are you on right now?" because I must've been like "bleheajd blehhh bhae." It sounded coherent in my head when I was giving him sandwich details though.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Xanax me is the worst iteration. I black out after smooshing chocolate bars into the wall and etcetera unexplainable dumb things in which I have no recollection of.

I remember getting a sandwich on two pot brownies and 4 mgs of xanax. I will never forget how whenever I said anything the employee was like "what are you on right now?" because I must've been like "bleheajd blehhh bhae." It sounded coherent in my head when I was giving him sandwich details though.

Yeah. I’ve had a few xanax blackouts. Worst one was going to work in Singapore and all of a sudden waking up in Bangkok. Also waking up in car smashes after I’d gone to bed.

But we are slightly digressing from topic. Would you tell a new partner about what you did / do on xannies?

 

[Fiori di Bella]

I applaud you for your honesty. I wish honesty always resulted in an understanding from our partners.

My majorly alcoholic boyfriend (who drank a handle of Jim Beam each 36 hours) of 9 years and I broke up in August 2020. He texted my college age daughter and told her I’m a junkie. I currently receive 80mg/daily Oxy. I get chronic kidney stones due to a congenital issue and I have chronic daily headaches. Since COVID I’ve been finding a drinking level that I think now is at my sweet spot. I drink approx. 12 ounces Chardonnay daily. For awhile I was drinking Tequila but @Outlier who I’m close with would watch me drink straight up Patron Silver and tell me that I was undoubtedly in the early stages of alcoholism. I haven’t had any tequila in at least 2.5 months.

I wasn’t feeling too bad when we broke up. But within 2 weeks he had a new girlfriend he’d never met in person and in January I found out he planned to marry her. He’s now not telling this 100% sober girl he doesn’t drink more than 2 “fancy” IPAs daily. Since finding this out, my psych has prescribed Klonopin. I also take Vyvanse as I find it to be a lovely upper.

Unfortunately I found ALL of their correspondence and he’s truly misrepresented himself. I think he likes her because she’s super curvy and at least 50 lbs. overweight. I’m usually right at the normal BMI, except I have 36DD boobs that don’t go down when I lose weight.

He complained that he was sick of having a girlfriend that spent so much time in the hospital. I get admitted for blood transfusions for anemia about 2x yearly and I usually have 3 renal stone related surgeries yearly. I was born this way and look normal from the outside.

My point is that I was abs transparent about everything. Bourbon Boy that played the bass seemed OK with it. Then one day he wasn’t OK with it. What makes it all worse is that our moms were BFFs who met as teenagers at Campfire Girls Summer Camp. They even went into practice together as psychologists. When we started dating my mom was at the start of her Lewy Body Dementia but she told him his mom, who’d passed, would be thrilled we were dating. He’s been in my life since I was 4 or 5. We went to school together and I knew he liked me but, this will sound really bad, I dated guys that were far better surfers than he. My 1st serious bf was a semi-pro surfer who I speak with regularly and my 1st husband was an int’l recognized surfboard shaper and an alcoholic who spent all his time shaping in Hawaii and Japan. I divorced him because I had a baby and no husband to help. He’s been very financially generous with me.

My point with all this? I don’t know if I’m going to tell the next guy I’m taking Oxys + Benzos. It got me nowhere. I’m likely going to just keep it to myself.

 

[✿Dai₷y✿]

I doubt it is possible to hide the drug use as well as you would need to anyway.

Withdrawals from opiates like you have experienced wont get easier to hide yet its not helpful to just say "well go straight then".

Definitely a good call saying what your addiction is as its better that than him finding out later on from catching you out or anyone else.

Committed relationships are mire successful when both partners put their partners needs ahead of their own and put in what it takes for them both to be happy.

He might put in his side as a support mechanism and encouragement to minimise opiates and not really care sbout the other drugs.

If you are showing you are trying to best addiction by getting counselling or other professional help and are doing great in all aspects of life (not just about drugs), it might not even be an issue in time.

Quitting drugs cant just be to keep someone else happy though, that's too much to put on saying. If you are doing it for yourself, you'll succeed.

Best of luck, good to hear you found someone great, you deserve it!

 

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

I applaud you for your honesty. I wish honesty always resulted in an understanding from our partners.

My majorly alcoholic boyfriend (who drank a handle of Jim Beam each 36 hours) of 9 years and I broke up in August 2020. He texted my college age daughter and told her I’m a junkie. I currently receive 80mg/daily Oxy. I get chronic kidney stones due to a congenital issue and I have chronic daily headaches. Since COVID I’ve been finding a drinking level that I think now is at my sweet spot. I drink approx. 12 ounces Chardonnay daily. For awhile I was drinking Tequila but @Outlier who I’m close with would watch me drink straight up Patron Silver and tell me that I was undoubtedly in the early stages of alcoholism. I haven’t had any tequila in at least 2.5 months.

I wasn’t feeling too bad when we broke up. But within 2 weeks he had a new girlfriend he’d never met in person and in January I found out he planned to marry her. He’s now not telling this 100% sober girl he doesn’t drink more than 2 “fancy” IPAs daily. Since finding this out, my psych has prescribed Klonopin. I also take Vyvanse as I find it to be a lovely upper.

Unfortunately I found ALL of their correspondence and he’s truly misrepresented himself. I think he likes her because she’s super curvy and at least 50 lbs. overweight. I’m usually right at the normal BMI, except I have 36DD boobs that don’t go down when I lose weight.

He complained that he was sick of having a girlfriend that spent so much time in the hospital. I get admitted for blood transfusions for anemia about 2x yearly and I usually have 3 renal stone related surgeries yearly. I was born this way and look normal from the outside.

My point is that I was abs transparent about everything. Bourbon Boy that played the bass seemed OK with it. Then one day he wasn’t OK with it. What makes it all worse is that our moms were BFFs who met as teenagers at Campfire Girls Summer Camp. They even went into practice together as psychologists. When we started dating my mom was at the start of her Lewy Body Dementia but she told him his mom, who’d passed, would be thrilled we were dating. He’s been in my life since I was 4 or 5. We went to school together and I knew he liked me but, this will sound really bad, I dated guys that were far better surfers than he. My 1st serious bf was a semi-pro surfer who I speak with regularly and my 1st husband was an int’l recognized surfboard shaper and an alcoholic who spent all his time shaping in Hawaii and Japan. I divorced him because I had a baby and no husband to help. He’s been very financially generous with me.

My point with all this? I don’t know if I’m going to tell the next guy I’m taking Oxys + Benzos. It got me nowhere. I’m likely going to just keep it to myself.

Thanks for the in-depth post. I really felt like this thread topic as a whole is just a dead-center grey area of morality. I hid the kratom from him for a while. Eating in the bathroom with a spoon and water bottle down low. I started to realize how silly that all was--especially for a non-illicit and legally sold substance.

Although I feel like your situation is much more forgivable than mine? If forgivable is even the right word. You're prescribed those things and I would imagine that had you not been, like other chronic pain patients who are cut off they'd be straight on fentynal infused street heroin. If opioids were not a thing, like many many many others I would definitely be on heroin right now and that kind of addiction would floor me (I would not be getting out). In a way, despite how society sees oxycodone as the most heinous "oh my god why are you ruining your life" drug it is objectively a lesser evil. Without the oxy we'd be injecting morphine/heroin in the way the real world works.

We went through a rough patch when I told him but now we are just avoiding the topic somewhat. He'll bring it up occasionally like "I want a gameplan for you to get clean" but as addicts we know that *when* is never the "when" they want. But I also felt that had I not told him, eventually I would be caught doing it and that would be somewhat more of an instantaneous breakup than disclosing that I'm high on something better than weed sometimes, lol. It's so hard to relay in text why "just stopping opioid use forever" is not the most ideal advice (despite every addict agreeing with opiates being a terrible life choice). Sometimes I wonder if like benzos, opioids prevent behavior that could potentially be more dangerous than the drug itself. Sometimes when someone isn't given benzo relief for a panic attack or some sort of anxiety disorder episode the individual lashes out and becomes dangerous to himself/herself and potentially even others.

 

[✿Dai₷y✿]

Oxy is not the devil at all and I dont share any stereotypical view on opiates, even fentanyl (even though its killed some good mates of mine).

Its better to have oxy than risk street drugs as that entire scene is more likely to be risky to you, health wise and financially/legally.


I love oxy, cant think if anyone who doesn't.


Kratom isn't even a thing, neither is adderall , who cares about them, no need to worry about that.
I am single and have never had a successful relationship anyone who was against drugs or expected me to not do them. Only worked prior to addiction. I dont know how it can be done but it seems others can do a lot of drugs when their partners don't. Not sure if they would get nagged or threatened with ultimatums but they probably would if their drug use made them shitty partners.

Can you suggest making a future time when you can go somewhere comfortable and have a sit down talk about this?


Avoiding the issue isn't going to work.

Its better to have a planned chat so there's no interruptions and you can figure out what to say.

Maybe give a week or so to write down what you want to say.

Explain your basic background and why you have been using, what you get from it, what you are prepared to do about it. He will not be able to relate to it as he has not been addicted himself.

Seeing what can happen to someone else isn't the same thing as feeling how great being high is or how shit withdrawals are.

He might just have to learn to accept that an addict is an addict for life, even if you never touch anything ever again. It's a lot harder to abstain than can be explained.


His family members who didnt/wouldn't get clean and died prove how hard it is.