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Sad I don't know how to give love

deficiT

deficiT

Sr. Moderator: NSADD, DC, & TDS
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I saw my wife with whom I'm separated with today. We talked about things and it brought up so many emotions. I haven't cried like that in a while. In fact, I've come to realize that I don't really "feel" anything. I love her dearly, but I've never known how to be there for her. And I'm worried I'll never know how to be in a healthy loving relationship. For the past many years I was numb to everything. I sought out feelings through drugs, other women, sex workers, etc. I took so much for granted and in doing so I've lost the only woman that's ever loved me. She was good to me and understood me more than anyone, and I repaid her with a broken heart.

The weight of my emotions are pressing down on my heart like a fallen boulder. I'm not ready to move on. But I have to. I believe I am like this due to the abandonment of my mother and the death of my father. Or maybe I was just born this way. I'm not sure anymore. I have so much to work on if I ever want to give myself the chance to be happy. No one will do it for me and I just have to get through it. Thanks for being here Bluelight.
 
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I'm sorry you are feeling so heartbroken. I think we all are capable of giving love. You still love your wife even though you might have put your own interests first at times. But you can ( and will ) give love to someone else again. When you are ready to move on it will get easier to give your love again. I hope so anyway. Have a pleasant evening.
 
I feel you. I'm very unable to show affection face to face.
It's easier typed, but once I'm face to face it's really hard to show any kind of affection. My friends kind of adjusted to that, and take some of the things I say as the compliments they are.
My friend Isabelle had a big problem with me having said "I don't care if you're here or not", which was a big compliment from me. I usually very much mind if people are at my house. I hate having people at my house. I catch the mailman so he doesn't enter my property and touch my things.

This inability has created a lot of fights, or ended relationships
Hate it, but what can I do?

I hope you stomach through this and come out a stronger person. Wishing you good luck!
 
@deficiT I really can relate to that, believe it or not. <3 And at one point (referring to your thread title), I thought that as well, but I came to realize that first, it's not true, and secondly, seeing it like that makes limited sense, if you ask me. I think the terms love, happiness have a hugely dysfunctional connotation in western culture, setting people that believe in them up for failure and despair. Personally I want or have moved away from these, but I found that folks find my/this view not helpful and even feel threatened or perceive it as an attack, so I mostly just shut up. Many things can't be influenced directly, but there is the possiblity to view them differently. Perhaps that's the only thing that matters anyway..

December Flower said:
My friend Isabelle had a big problem with me having said "I don't care if you're here or not", which was a big compliment from me. I usually very much mind if people are at my house. I hate having people at my house. I catch the mailman so he doesn't enter my property and touch my things.
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I totally get how you meant it and that it's a true compliment, but also why Isabelle interprets it as no bueno. I think if you want to be understood, you always need to 'translate' it into the context of the 'default person' (whatever that exactly means). But again, I tend to favor shutting up. But unfunny enough, even that is perceived in strange and often negative ways, e.g. as an absence. Yes, if one imposes a lot of projections onto others, sure, but without that, it's neutral, just no-thing..

Greetings.
 
I’m sorry you have to go through this and the thoughts/doubts of your ability to feel. In a way I can understand a bit having my parents left too and being emotionally neglected in childhood. Most people don’t know they were until they look into signs they were emotionally neglected in childhood and how it effects their life. I’m not trying to say you necessarily were but it may help you to see just so you can possibly start healing while knowing a bit more about the base of why and how. Regardless just remember you’re not broken, you’re taking the initiative to heal and that itself speaks volumes. Don’t give up and I believe in you!! Best of luck and sending positive energy your way!!<3
 
bongdong said:
I totally get how you meant it and that it's a true compliment, but also why Isabelle interprets it as no bueno. I think if you want to be understood, you always need to 'translate' it into the context of the 'default person' (whatever that exactly means). But again, I tend to favor shutting up. But unfunny enough, even that is perceived in strange and often negative ways, e.g. as an absence. Yes, if one imposes a lot of projections onto others, sure, but without that, it's neutral, just no-thing..

Greetings.
Click to expand...
See, I have slight issues with this "default person" language. I misplaced my dictionary, and for the life of me cannot figure it out myself. I often wonder what would have been the right thing to say? "I like you being here" would have been a lie. "I can tolerate your presence in my home" I feel she would have hated that too. I let her touch my guitar, and even refrained from telling her to wash her hands first, how much more validation can she want from someone like me? Maybe I should have said something nice with that, it sometimes works.

I tried saying nothing, but people like it even less than when I speak, and always think I'm sad, or angry, or something.
 
I hate people thinking you have to be shooting off at the mouth to be in a 'good mood.'

In general I have a tendency to weigh my words a lot before using them, and I find that when I'm pressured into talking for the sake of it I end up inadvertently saying something bad or dumb or easily misconstrued.
 
deficiT said:
I saw my wife with whom I'm separated with today. We talked about things and it brought up so many emotions. I haven't cried like that in a while. In fact, I've come to realize that I don't really "feel" anything. I love her dearly, but I've never known how to be there for her. And I'm worried I'll never know how to be in a healthy loving relationship. For the past many years I was numb to everything. I sought out feelings through drugs, other women, sex workers, etc. I took so much for granted and in doing so I've lost the only woman that's ever loved me. She was good to me and understood me more than anyone, and I repaid her with a broken heart.

The weight of my emotions are pressing down on my heart like a fallen boulder. I'm not ready to move on. But I have to. I believe I am like this due to the abandonment of my mother and the death of my father. Or maybe I was just born this way. I'm not sure anymore. I have so much to work on if I ever want to give myself the chance to be happy. No one will do it for me and I just have to get through it. Thanks for being here Bluelight.
Click to expand...

Oh, man, I feel you, on so many levels.

From what I've seen of you here, you seem like a person with a big heart in the right place, very kind and compassionate.
We all got shit to work on. I wish I could give any concrete advice, but I'm not exactly in that position.

I can however say that if you for some reason want to hit me up and talk, I'm there dude.

Hope that heavy burden of those emotions ease their strain on you.

<3
 
True. No wonder I suck at it then, cause I'm clumsy as shit 😑
 
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