ImSTILLtrying
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 31, 2016
- Messages
- 177
in my younger years, late teens, early 20's, I would a "club kid" so I went out and did my G, K, E, Tina, etc. go out for 12-24HR sessions in NY at a club called Sound Factory, which was one of the top parties around given the time (00-04) is when I went but it ran about 8-10yrs total before closing down in 04 and was always known a huge party out in NY.
however, as time went out, I faded those drugs out of my life and stopped using "party drugs". just the thought of it makes me a little EH nowadays. surprisingly but yea, just doesnt do it for me like it once did, ya know!?
nowadays I am only using Suboxone which my occasional slip ups which lead to dope or some type of opiate. other than that, I really dont touch drugs. yes, I consider myself an addict but I really do not enjoy drugs; I enjoy A DRUG, and thats it. and at this point, I am still TRYING to kick that ONE DRUG which I feel I sometimes do it based on boredom or aggravation w/ the family. I understand using is using but I once used EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE, up to 3G's/day at my worst, complete waste of life, money, time, etc. nowadays, if/when I use, which is far from often, maybe once every few months if all is going well, I will use a half G just get that old "thought" in my head and make me realize how much I truly hate it. been doing so well when it comes to NOT USING - scripted 14MG Suboxone but only use 2MG/day. that easily gets me by and I do absolutely fine w/ it. just funny how it all works; I think a lot of this has to do w/ so many years of using/abusing and coming out on the BOTTOM always; making myself look bad, DUI's, problems w/ family, problems w/ health, etc.
what sucks, tho. I barely use like I once did, as I just said.. but a few weeks back my family was over, visiting, and father found an old pack of "pins". makes me look terrible; but as I said, I've never done so well as I have over the past year or so. at one point this year I went 9 months straight without touching a thing; I was going out w/ a girl from Cali, I am in Boston/Cali, all depending on month, so I needed the extra money, and was "happy", so I didnt use and didnt waste money. 9 month was great. then I slipped and have slipped a few times since but nothing too crazy, man. just sucks the family found needles/pins and makes me look BAD meanwhile its the best I've been in fucking 6-8 years or so. its amazing how far I've come and I am proud of myself but so many people have a hard time supporting what I once was vs. what I am now; they still constantly question IF I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING OR WHAT!? and of course when they see the wrong stuff, right away they think negative but the truth is clean pins, un-touched/used and was doing good until a slip up having to do w/ family BS - my own fault.
anyway, I am just happy because I KNOW I AM DOING WELL: sure, the family my not fully understand how far I have come but I UNDERSTAND AND ITS A DAMN MIRACLE that I was able to drop the dope like I did. but yes, I still have those slip ups but not as often as it once was and I am just happy w/ how I am living vs how I was once living.
who else has a hard time getting through the family and having them be on YOUR SIDE as opposed to them always thinking the negative about you? thinking you are using if you call too many times that week. or maybe you call and make a bad joke. or maybe another reason comes to mind, their mind, as to why you feel/seem high in their eyes. I HATE THAT but I get it a lot meanwhile I am ON TOP OF MY GAME, believe it or not. I tell them that but they still dont have that full TRUST! they'll never understand how bad I once was compared to the damn ANGEL I AM NOWADAYS! but as long as I keep it up and continue to do well I feel all will come together.
however, as time went out, I faded those drugs out of my life and stopped using "party drugs". just the thought of it makes me a little EH nowadays. surprisingly but yea, just doesnt do it for me like it once did, ya know!?
nowadays I am only using Suboxone which my occasional slip ups which lead to dope or some type of opiate. other than that, I really dont touch drugs. yes, I consider myself an addict but I really do not enjoy drugs; I enjoy A DRUG, and thats it. and at this point, I am still TRYING to kick that ONE DRUG which I feel I sometimes do it based on boredom or aggravation w/ the family. I understand using is using but I once used EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE, up to 3G's/day at my worst, complete waste of life, money, time, etc. nowadays, if/when I use, which is far from often, maybe once every few months if all is going well, I will use a half G just get that old "thought" in my head and make me realize how much I truly hate it. been doing so well when it comes to NOT USING - scripted 14MG Suboxone but only use 2MG/day. that easily gets me by and I do absolutely fine w/ it. just funny how it all works; I think a lot of this has to do w/ so many years of using/abusing and coming out on the BOTTOM always; making myself look bad, DUI's, problems w/ family, problems w/ health, etc.
what sucks, tho. I barely use like I once did, as I just said.. but a few weeks back my family was over, visiting, and father found an old pack of "pins". makes me look terrible; but as I said, I've never done so well as I have over the past year or so. at one point this year I went 9 months straight without touching a thing; I was going out w/ a girl from Cali, I am in Boston/Cali, all depending on month, so I needed the extra money, and was "happy", so I didnt use and didnt waste money. 9 month was great. then I slipped and have slipped a few times since but nothing too crazy, man. just sucks the family found needles/pins and makes me look BAD meanwhile its the best I've been in fucking 6-8 years or so. its amazing how far I've come and I am proud of myself but so many people have a hard time supporting what I once was vs. what I am now; they still constantly question IF I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING OR WHAT!? and of course when they see the wrong stuff, right away they think negative but the truth is clean pins, un-touched/used and was doing good until a slip up having to do w/ family BS - my own fault.
anyway, I am just happy because I KNOW I AM DOING WELL: sure, the family my not fully understand how far I have come but I UNDERSTAND AND ITS A DAMN MIRACLE that I was able to drop the dope like I did. but yes, I still have those slip ups but not as often as it once was and I am just happy w/ how I am living vs how I was once living.
who else has a hard time getting through the family and having them be on YOUR SIDE as opposed to them always thinking the negative about you? thinking you are using if you call too many times that week. or maybe you call and make a bad joke. or maybe another reason comes to mind, their mind, as to why you feel/seem high in their eyes. I HATE THAT but I get it a lot meanwhile I am ON TOP OF MY GAME, believe it or not. I tell them that but they still dont have that full TRUST! they'll never understand how bad I once was compared to the damn ANGEL I AM NOWADAYS! but as long as I keep it up and continue to do well I feel all will come together.