OP, are you not able to get yourself in a position to obtain proper pain management? It would seem to me, someone of your age, with your ailments, wouldn't have any trouble getting decent pain meds to allow you to live out the remainder of your life as relatively pain free as possible. Although, if you are as suicidal as it sounds, having strong pain medication available in any real quantity may not be the best thing in the world for you at this time. I do wish you all the best!