Hello everybody!
I'm really freaked out right now. I worry that something's wrong.
I hope you can give me some advice.
My background is this:
I'm 34yo.
Long-time sufferer from depression and general anxiety. Been on various antidepressants since 2012, never found anything which
really seemed to make any noticable difference at all! I tried ADs from all classes except MAOI.
SSRI,SNRI,Wellbutrin,Remeron don't work. TCA's had too many side effects. I also tried Memantine for a while but also didnt notice a difference.
I feel very insecure about myself and my self-esteem is also pretty low (due to my life situation).
For example when I already feel bad about myself in the first place and get thoughts like I'm a loser then these thoughts are reinforced
and directly come up in situations where I feel clumsy. For example when I talk to somebody and then notice that I sound dumb again and that
I'm starting to stutter and not finish a sentence properly then I feel more insecure and dumber. It's like a vicious-circle.
Some of these issues could be explained by depression and simply saying that I'm insecure but I'm worried that I cannot simply blame all my symptoms
on this.
In 2014 I had myself tested for ADD cause I read a book about ADD and found various parallels.
In 2014 I had the ADD test (I had to do concentration tests on a computer and also a memory test where I was read items from different
lists and then had to repeat them in the right order).
Basically the results said that my performance was not according to my age, which already back then sounded a bit scary to me.
The doc then said that I probably have ADD. I have been on ritalin, vyvanse, dl-amphetamine. But the stimulants don't really make a noticable difference either.
The issues which I struggle with (mostly executive functions) are not helped by the stimulants.
When I have to do tasks which consist of many different steps and which require planning and systematic approach then I feel lost and everything is
totally chaotic.
I may do something thinking that this is a good idea and then find out that it was a complete waste of time.
It's like when you want to clean up a room and you move objects from one place to the other and think that this is a good idea. And then you find out that this wasn't helpful at all and that you only wasted your time with this. And then you may move the objects somewhere else or take a different approach and first start by cleaning the carpet or doing something different.
That's just an example.
I have tried low and high dosing. On some days I can tolerate high doses of ritalin, for example, on another day the same dose makes me feel jittery. It always changes somehow.
Since depression can also negatively affect concentration it's not possible for me to tell if my symptoms are "normal" or not.
I don't know what to do now. I worry what if don't really have ADD and the stimulants actually made me develop ADD or dumbed me down so that now my
concentration is even worse than before taking stimulants? Is this possible?!
Cognitive Symptoms which I have been noticing:
-bad communication skills
I do not have very much interaction with other people,but I dont know if this plays a role in this.
When I do talk with somebody then I notice that I sound stupid. For example I start a sentence and then don't really finish it or finish it with something like "you know" or "yeah". I also often notice that I lack the words in order to describe something, which also makes me feel stupid.
My active vocabulary is really small compared to the passive vocabulary.
Often times I'm aware that I use generic terms which do not really fit or that they lack precision.
For example somebody tells you that he had a flat fire and missed an important job interview.
Then you could reply with something like: This sucks!
Or you could some something like: That was really unfortunate.
The second reply fits much better and also sounds more intelligent.
In such a situation it would be highly unlikely that I'd even use the word unfortunate and instead simply reply with
something simple and rather stupid like "this sucks".
-very poor concentration, my mind simply doesn't feel sharp, I can tell the difference. I remember what sharp feels like and I can tell when I'm not sharp
I have never played chess in the past, but recently when I tried playing chess on the computer I noticed that I wasn't able to think certain scenarios through in
my head and then decide which move would be the best cause I simply could not keep them in my head!
I could not really make strategic moves and more or less moved without really knowing the outcome or if this was a good or bad move.
When I noticed this I already wondered if this is normal or not.
I also have a very hard time to do calculations in my head. For example if I want to calculate something which involves multiple steps and where you have to
memorize the results of prior steps then I simply forget the prior results! This is really shocking to me.
As an example. If I try to calculate something like 84x17, then usually you split it up into:
1. step: 84x10 = 840
2.step: 80x7 = 560
3.step: 4x7 = 28
and then you add them together in your head.
But when I try to carry out something like then I often times forget the past results!
Today I tried to do a few calucations like this one and either my end results were incorrect or I wasn't even able to finish the calculation because
when I wanted to add up the results of the different steps I already had forgotten what they were!!!!
I cannot imagine that this is normal.
I am almost absolutely sure that I did not have such issues 15 years ago otherwise I'd not have been able to calculate anything in my head.
I think I would have noticed this.
---
A few minutes ago before registering here I tried to do n-back tests.
I downloaded a few games from the app store.
I was thinking that maybe this would help me gain some confidence in myself and calm my fears.
But it made my fears only worse!
Now I feel absolutely awful.
This is what happened:
When I started to game the setting was (2-back) and it included Shape,Color,Position,Sound.
I sat there and wasn't even able to press any of the buttons. My score was 0.
I mean I was not even close to getting anything right! I was not even able to remember anything.
I couldn't get a hold of it AT ALL!! It was simply way too fast for me.
But I didn't increase the speed. I used the standard settings!
After that I already felt bad.
Then I reduced the difficulty and set the setting to (2-back, Shape, Position).
Even at this setting I wasn't able to score!!!!
Then I reduced the difficulty to (1-back, position, color). I think this is the easiest setting there is and EVEN there
my performance was really bad. Even with 1-back I had huge difficulties. Sometimes I would remember the last one correctly
and then miss the next one. For example if the same one came 3 times in a row then I'd recognize the 1. repetition and click the button
but I'd not recognize it when it directly came again for the 2. time.
It was as if my brain started counting afresh whenever I recognized a repetition as if the game was starting all over again.
The difficulty of the game goes all the way up to 9-back! I cannot even imagine how this is supposed to be humanly possible.
I mean even if it was only with numbers I cannot imagine how 9-back is humanly possible.
Anyway, I feel terrible now.
The experience with the n-back game was almost traumatic. I don't even dare to try this again now.
And I also took ritalin today! This means I cannot simply say it's just cause I didn't anything!
What do I do now?
I had a brain MRI 6 months ago cause of headaches which worried me. The MRI was normal but this doesn't really mean that much.
Back then I mentioned to the radiologist that I worry about my cognition and he said that a brain MRI isn't useful when it comes to things like dementia.
He said that you have to do "performance tests" for this, like counting forwards/backwords in certain steps or memorizing and repeating items from lists.
But I already know from my ADD test in 2014 that my performance in such tests is not according to my age!!!
I am also scared to go to a doctor for evaluation and then being asked to do exactly these tests again cause then the sheer pressure and anxiety would
make my performance even worse. Then I'd sit there and think that if I suck then this means I must have something serious and then I'd totally freeze up.
I also asked the neurologist what happens if I go to a neuropsychologist and then have him run these tests with me and my performance absolutely sucks.
What does this mean then? Would this be the absolute proof that something is seriously wrong with me???
Then what would I have to do next? Get a brain biopsy or spinal fluid taken?
I feel really awful right now.
I'm really freaked out right now. I worry that something's wrong.
I hope you can give me some advice.
My background is this:
I'm 34yo.
Long-time sufferer from depression and general anxiety. Been on various antidepressants since 2012, never found anything which
really seemed to make any noticable difference at all! I tried ADs from all classes except MAOI.
SSRI,SNRI,Wellbutrin,Remeron don't work. TCA's had too many side effects. I also tried Memantine for a while but also didnt notice a difference.
I feel very insecure about myself and my self-esteem is also pretty low (due to my life situation).
For example when I already feel bad about myself in the first place and get thoughts like I'm a loser then these thoughts are reinforced
and directly come up in situations where I feel clumsy. For example when I talk to somebody and then notice that I sound dumb again and that
I'm starting to stutter and not finish a sentence properly then I feel more insecure and dumber. It's like a vicious-circle.
Some of these issues could be explained by depression and simply saying that I'm insecure but I'm worried that I cannot simply blame all my symptoms
on this.
In 2014 I had myself tested for ADD cause I read a book about ADD and found various parallels.
In 2014 I had the ADD test (I had to do concentration tests on a computer and also a memory test where I was read items from different
lists and then had to repeat them in the right order).
Basically the results said that my performance was not according to my age, which already back then sounded a bit scary to me.
The doc then said that I probably have ADD. I have been on ritalin, vyvanse, dl-amphetamine. But the stimulants don't really make a noticable difference either.
The issues which I struggle with (mostly executive functions) are not helped by the stimulants.
When I have to do tasks which consist of many different steps and which require planning and systematic approach then I feel lost and everything is
totally chaotic.
I may do something thinking that this is a good idea and then find out that it was a complete waste of time.
It's like when you want to clean up a room and you move objects from one place to the other and think that this is a good idea. And then you find out that this wasn't helpful at all and that you only wasted your time with this. And then you may move the objects somewhere else or take a different approach and first start by cleaning the carpet or doing something different.
That's just an example.
I have tried low and high dosing. On some days I can tolerate high doses of ritalin, for example, on another day the same dose makes me feel jittery. It always changes somehow.
Since depression can also negatively affect concentration it's not possible for me to tell if my symptoms are "normal" or not.
I don't know what to do now. I worry what if don't really have ADD and the stimulants actually made me develop ADD or dumbed me down so that now my
concentration is even worse than before taking stimulants? Is this possible?!
Cognitive Symptoms which I have been noticing:
-bad communication skills
I do not have very much interaction with other people,but I dont know if this plays a role in this.
When I do talk with somebody then I notice that I sound stupid. For example I start a sentence and then don't really finish it or finish it with something like "you know" or "yeah". I also often notice that I lack the words in order to describe something, which also makes me feel stupid.
My active vocabulary is really small compared to the passive vocabulary.
Often times I'm aware that I use generic terms which do not really fit or that they lack precision.
For example somebody tells you that he had a flat fire and missed an important job interview.
Then you could reply with something like: This sucks!
Or you could some something like: That was really unfortunate.
The second reply fits much better and also sounds more intelligent.
In such a situation it would be highly unlikely that I'd even use the word unfortunate and instead simply reply with
something simple and rather stupid like "this sucks".
-very poor concentration, my mind simply doesn't feel sharp, I can tell the difference. I remember what sharp feels like and I can tell when I'm not sharp
I have never played chess in the past, but recently when I tried playing chess on the computer I noticed that I wasn't able to think certain scenarios through in
my head and then decide which move would be the best cause I simply could not keep them in my head!
I could not really make strategic moves and more or less moved without really knowing the outcome or if this was a good or bad move.
When I noticed this I already wondered if this is normal or not.
I also have a very hard time to do calculations in my head. For example if I want to calculate something which involves multiple steps and where you have to
memorize the results of prior steps then I simply forget the prior results! This is really shocking to me.
As an example. If I try to calculate something like 84x17, then usually you split it up into:
1. step: 84x10 = 840
2.step: 80x7 = 560
3.step: 4x7 = 28
and then you add them together in your head.
But when I try to carry out something like then I often times forget the past results!
Today I tried to do a few calucations like this one and either my end results were incorrect or I wasn't even able to finish the calculation because
when I wanted to add up the results of the different steps I already had forgotten what they were!!!!
I cannot imagine that this is normal.
I am almost absolutely sure that I did not have such issues 15 years ago otherwise I'd not have been able to calculate anything in my head.
I think I would have noticed this.
---
A few minutes ago before registering here I tried to do n-back tests.
I downloaded a few games from the app store.
I was thinking that maybe this would help me gain some confidence in myself and calm my fears.
But it made my fears only worse!
Now I feel absolutely awful.
This is what happened:
When I started to game the setting was (2-back) and it included Shape,Color,Position,Sound.
I sat there and wasn't even able to press any of the buttons. My score was 0.
I mean I was not even close to getting anything right! I was not even able to remember anything.
I couldn't get a hold of it AT ALL!! It was simply way too fast for me.
But I didn't increase the speed. I used the standard settings!
After that I already felt bad.
Then I reduced the difficulty and set the setting to (2-back, Shape, Position).
Even at this setting I wasn't able to score!!!!
Then I reduced the difficulty to (1-back, position, color). I think this is the easiest setting there is and EVEN there
my performance was really bad. Even with 1-back I had huge difficulties. Sometimes I would remember the last one correctly
and then miss the next one. For example if the same one came 3 times in a row then I'd recognize the 1. repetition and click the button
but I'd not recognize it when it directly came again for the 2. time.
It was as if my brain started counting afresh whenever I recognized a repetition as if the game was starting all over again.
The difficulty of the game goes all the way up to 9-back! I cannot even imagine how this is supposed to be humanly possible.
I mean even if it was only with numbers I cannot imagine how 9-back is humanly possible.
Anyway, I feel terrible now.
The experience with the n-back game was almost traumatic. I don't even dare to try this again now.
And I also took ritalin today! This means I cannot simply say it's just cause I didn't anything!
What do I do now?
I had a brain MRI 6 months ago cause of headaches which worried me. The MRI was normal but this doesn't really mean that much.
Back then I mentioned to the radiologist that I worry about my cognition and he said that a brain MRI isn't useful when it comes to things like dementia.
He said that you have to do "performance tests" for this, like counting forwards/backwords in certain steps or memorizing and repeating items from lists.
But I already know from my ADD test in 2014 that my performance in such tests is not according to my age!!!
I am also scared to go to a doctor for evaluation and then being asked to do exactly these tests again cause then the sheer pressure and anxiety would
make my performance even worse. Then I'd sit there and think that if I suck then this means I must have something serious and then I'd totally freeze up.
I also asked the neurologist what happens if I go to a neuropsychologist and then have him run these tests with me and my performance absolutely sucks.
What does this mean then? Would this be the absolute proof that something is seriously wrong with me???
Then what would I have to do next? Get a brain biopsy or spinal fluid taken?
I feel really awful right now.
Last edited:
