Flickering
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2011
- Messages
- 1,118
All my life I've had a very strange temperament with regard to other people. In childhood I showed some behaviour, or rather lack thereof (apathy) that concerned me in retrospect. In general, though I have a very strong sense of right and wrong, and usually powerful integrity, and though I have a lot of friends who I genuinely care about... I've noticed I don't tend to actually feel things towards people. Like, if someone is in pain, I don't want them to be, and I try to help, but I might not feel actual distress about it. I had one friend suggest that I might be some brand of sociopath - well-adjusted, well-meaning, but not actually on the same wavelength as most people.
The points against this:
* Powerful sense of morality and justice.
* I get upset when I hear about injustice and suffering in the world, especially if it involves children.
* Plenty of long-time friends, and a proper relationship with them.
* Usually tolerant, compassionate and friendly in day-to-day dealings with people.
* My ideal world would be a harmonious utopia free of death and harm, and I sometimes feel bad we can't all live there instead of here on this shithole planet.
* I have put others' needs first when they needed it, even if they were strangers.
* I'm not subject to the bystander effect; I once helped a lady on the streets who was delirious and injured, while pretty much everyone else ignored her.
* I have a vivid capacity for empathy that was there at a very precocious age.
* I've proved highly susceptible to guilt, shame and remorse.
Points for:
* Several people I care about have ended up in hospital or threatened suicide; while I acted to help, and I truly did want them to be okay, at no point did I feel any real anxiety.
* I seem to want to talk about myself more than about other people most of the time. Maybe I'm just immature. (This is not to say I won't gladly listen or offer advice. I've been told I would make a good therapist.)
* My moral code precludes certain people. If I perceive that someone has willfully harmed innocent people, I consider myself justified in harming them. I have intimidated and even attacked people I considered morally worthless. I never felt remorse over it, if anything I felt a little proud and even enjoyed it. I believe I could even kill the right kind of person (despot, child molester) and never lose a minute's sleep over it.
* I'm a good liar. I'm not a pathological liar, but when I decide to manipulate people, I tend to do it pretty well. But I don't think it's okay to just fool whoever I want.
* I consider the law an institution of men who can beat you up and imprison you if you don't do as they say. If I could get away with it, I would break it wherever it didn't break my own ethical imperatives to do so.
* I don't really feel attached to anyone, even people I really like. I'd miss them if I never saw them again, but there's no one I ultimately couldn't bear to live without. That sounds like a really shitty thing to say, because I value being a good friend, and there are people I consider as close as brothers. And I have a sister. So it's... weird.
My friend put to me that I care more about ideas than people. (She wasn't, for the record, being nasty, just making an honest and clinical observation.) So, I cried when we euthanised my dog because of how she related to me - my first pet, and I'd had her since I was five, so it felt like losing part of myself. I bounced back from that so quickly because I lack that actual, instinctual emotion towards other beings. I care about the idea of a person, the way they relate to me, more than I care about the person themselves. This model made a remarkable lot of sense when she phrased it like that.
I was very uncomfortable with all this at one point. But now, I'm remembering how I felt as a child, before I got the notion into my head that any of this was bad, or that there might be something wrong with me. That sense of being allowed to be myself was fantastic. And so, I'm pretty much okay with it now. It's not like it ever actually affects other people. I suffered some very early childhood traumas that probably had a lot to do with it, so maybe things would've worked out differently otherwise. Anyway, wanted to put that out there to see what you guys think. High-functioning sociopath? Something else?
The points against this:
* Powerful sense of morality and justice.
* I get upset when I hear about injustice and suffering in the world, especially if it involves children.
* Plenty of long-time friends, and a proper relationship with them.
* Usually tolerant, compassionate and friendly in day-to-day dealings with people.
* My ideal world would be a harmonious utopia free of death and harm, and I sometimes feel bad we can't all live there instead of here on this shithole planet.
* I have put others' needs first when they needed it, even if they were strangers.
* I'm not subject to the bystander effect; I once helped a lady on the streets who was delirious and injured, while pretty much everyone else ignored her.
* I have a vivid capacity for empathy that was there at a very precocious age.
* I've proved highly susceptible to guilt, shame and remorse.
Points for:
* Several people I care about have ended up in hospital or threatened suicide; while I acted to help, and I truly did want them to be okay, at no point did I feel any real anxiety.
* I seem to want to talk about myself more than about other people most of the time. Maybe I'm just immature. (This is not to say I won't gladly listen or offer advice. I've been told I would make a good therapist.)
* My moral code precludes certain people. If I perceive that someone has willfully harmed innocent people, I consider myself justified in harming them. I have intimidated and even attacked people I considered morally worthless. I never felt remorse over it, if anything I felt a little proud and even enjoyed it. I believe I could even kill the right kind of person (despot, child molester) and never lose a minute's sleep over it.
* I'm a good liar. I'm not a pathological liar, but when I decide to manipulate people, I tend to do it pretty well. But I don't think it's okay to just fool whoever I want.
* I consider the law an institution of men who can beat you up and imprison you if you don't do as they say. If I could get away with it, I would break it wherever it didn't break my own ethical imperatives to do so.
* I don't really feel attached to anyone, even people I really like. I'd miss them if I never saw them again, but there's no one I ultimately couldn't bear to live without. That sounds like a really shitty thing to say, because I value being a good friend, and there are people I consider as close as brothers. And I have a sister. So it's... weird.
My friend put to me that I care more about ideas than people. (She wasn't, for the record, being nasty, just making an honest and clinical observation.) So, I cried when we euthanised my dog because of how she related to me - my first pet, and I'd had her since I was five, so it felt like losing part of myself. I bounced back from that so quickly because I lack that actual, instinctual emotion towards other beings. I care about the idea of a person, the way they relate to me, more than I care about the person themselves. This model made a remarkable lot of sense when she phrased it like that.
I was very uncomfortable with all this at one point. But now, I'm remembering how I felt as a child, before I got the notion into my head that any of this was bad, or that there might be something wrong with me. That sense of being allowed to be myself was fantastic. And so, I'm pretty much okay with it now. It's not like it ever actually affects other people. I suffered some very early childhood traumas that probably had a lot to do with it, so maybe things would've worked out differently otherwise. Anyway, wanted to put that out there to see what you guys think. High-functioning sociopath? Something else?
