Okay, for people who wonder why I am the way I am, who are overly concerned with my life, here's your beloved information that is such an essential matter. I guess it's my "biography" of sorts. When I was 2, my parents got divorced. Shortly after, my mother got together with this awesome guy, but she changed into a completely different person because he got her hooked on weed. My dad didn't get much action, but when I was 8, he met my stepmom, who is a complete bitch and honestly isn't good for him in any way, shape or form. She changed him into a verbally abusive, unloving dickhead. It takes virtually nothing to piss him off to such an extent that he will start throwing things and telling me to fight him rather than argue. Okay, back to my mom. That guy that my mom was dating, he practically raised me. He was there for me from about 3 years old to about 9, so about 6 years. I didn't meet him the first year of their dating because my mom wanted to make sure that they loved each other. They never got married, and they broke up the summer between 4th and 5th grade, and that really messed me up. I still have never seen him again. 2 months later, my mom found a new guy. He was nice, bought us lots of stuff. Very emotional. They got married after about 4 months of dating, when I was in 5th grade. The week after they were married, he started to develop a temper. He was at first verbally abusive, like my father, but it progressed. For 2 years, I was living with a maniac, in constant fear for my mom and my life. The first time he hit my mom, she came into my bawling and mortified. She slept in my twin-sized bed with me, and we were both mentally tortured, scared all night that he was going to attack us again. I was afraid that he was going to shoot us, but he wouldn't give us the pleasure of dying. We would have to carry on that life for 2 years of unwavering agony. I would go on to live full time with my father and stepmother, which I still do, and it's constant hell. He never takes my side in anything, and it's very clear that my stepmom would like me out of the house. My mom and douchedick finally broke up the simmer between my 7th and 8th grade years, and my mom just finally found a good guy who is about 10 years older than her, but he had been married before also and is just super chill. I do have diagnosed depression which is untreated, but luckily I'm not suicidal anymore. So yea. Bye.
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- Thread starter Dyerj333
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Moreaux
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I'm sorry for your horrible situation, that is truly heartbreaking. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
How old are you? How many years do you have left before you can leave the house? You say your step Mom he always been nasty, do you mind describing how, include details and escalations from the begging to now. There may be a way to salvage the situation, and I may be able to give some insight as I am a step mom to my husband's kids and some like me, some absolutely loathe me.
The step dynamic is very difficult for everyone involved, and your father is caught in the middle (please don't take this as me defending his actions). Add to that complexity there is frequently animosity behind the science with the other biological parent with respect to money and differences in the philosophies of raising a child. Add to that the dynamic of adding step parents - outsiders - it's very complicated. Mind you, I am not defending anyone's actions, just trying to give some insight. The children involved are in a difficult situation as now they often feel like they have to compete with a stranger for attention and resources from their biological parents, which is stressful and wrought with anxiety. Ironically, the step parent many times also feels the same way. This breeds an atmosphere for innate and instant hostility. Often both the step parent and the children involved are passive aggressive to the other without realizing it. In many ways both are getting shafted out of the biological parent's attention and resources because the relationship turns into an adversarial one, which causes friction and unpleasantness to all members of the family and resentments grow. Ideally boundaries are set early on, but frequently this does not happen.
I can tell you I absolutely adore one of my step daughters, however, there is one I absolutely cannot stand - in my mind she was horrible from the beginning and constantly lashed out, including attempting to sabotage the wedding. I was inexperienced and an active alcoholic at the time so I absolutely said some things that I am not proud of in an attempt to protect my insecurity. My husband did not set boundaries for any of us and truly felt helpless in the situation, and things should have been handled differently.
I don't know if I will ever have a relationship with the step daughter that hates me. I do know that my husband is the only Dad she has so I have totally disengaged, meaning I am totally out of the picture which I think is for the best. Nobody needs the stress, and my husband and step daughter need to be able to have a close relationship, in many ways it's very important that they have as much time together as they want as their mother died when they were teenagers so they only have one parent, but I digress.
Does your step mom have any kids of her own, as this also makes a big difference. If not she is in my boat and not having experience with kids makes becoming a step parent very intimidating. It's possible you picked up on her apprehension and insecurities (and her you) and this was the beginning of a competing negative relationship. Over time the negativity has escalated. Of course it's also very possible she resented you from the beginning as you are a constant representation of her husband's past relationship with another woman, though I hope this isn't the case as it's very petty.
Depending on your relationship, you may want to try to initiate a cease fire. If you trust your dad try to have a conversation with him about it. If you don't trust him maybe (you know better than I do) try reaching out to your step mom. I'm certain there are things your both doing that you're not aware of that may be making the situation worse. Maybe try starting over. I know there is a forum site for step kids but I can't find it :/ If I do run across it I will post the address. There is a site for step parents to vent seek advice called step talk...if you're interested in gaining some perspective on reason your step mom may be the way she is peruse some of those threads. I will give you fire warning that a lot of people post there when they just had a blow up and are upset so sometimes there is a lot of anger.
Please get back to me with more detail. Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. You got handed a terrible situation and it is not your fault. Worse case scenario keep in mind that it is temporary and it will come to an end. Big hugs!
How old are you? How many years do you have left before you can leave the house? You say your step Mom he always been nasty, do you mind describing how, include details and escalations from the begging to now. There may be a way to salvage the situation, and I may be able to give some insight as I am a step mom to my husband's kids and some like me, some absolutely loathe me.
The step dynamic is very difficult for everyone involved, and your father is caught in the middle (please don't take this as me defending his actions). Add to that complexity there is frequently animosity behind the science with the other biological parent with respect to money and differences in the philosophies of raising a child. Add to that the dynamic of adding step parents - outsiders - it's very complicated. Mind you, I am not defending anyone's actions, just trying to give some insight. The children involved are in a difficult situation as now they often feel like they have to compete with a stranger for attention and resources from their biological parents, which is stressful and wrought with anxiety. Ironically, the step parent many times also feels the same way. This breeds an atmosphere for innate and instant hostility. Often both the step parent and the children involved are passive aggressive to the other without realizing it. In many ways both are getting shafted out of the biological parent's attention and resources because the relationship turns into an adversarial one, which causes friction and unpleasantness to all members of the family and resentments grow. Ideally boundaries are set early on, but frequently this does not happen.
I can tell you I absolutely adore one of my step daughters, however, there is one I absolutely cannot stand - in my mind she was horrible from the beginning and constantly lashed out, including attempting to sabotage the wedding. I was inexperienced and an active alcoholic at the time so I absolutely said some things that I am not proud of in an attempt to protect my insecurity. My husband did not set boundaries for any of us and truly felt helpless in the situation, and things should have been handled differently.
I don't know if I will ever have a relationship with the step daughter that hates me. I do know that my husband is the only Dad she has so I have totally disengaged, meaning I am totally out of the picture which I think is for the best. Nobody needs the stress, and my husband and step daughter need to be able to have a close relationship, in many ways it's very important that they have as much time together as they want as their mother died when they were teenagers so they only have one parent, but I digress.
Does your step mom have any kids of her own, as this also makes a big difference. If not she is in my boat and not having experience with kids makes becoming a step parent very intimidating. It's possible you picked up on her apprehension and insecurities (and her you) and this was the beginning of a competing negative relationship. Over time the negativity has escalated. Of course it's also very possible she resented you from the beginning as you are a constant representation of her husband's past relationship with another woman, though I hope this isn't the case as it's very petty.
Depending on your relationship, you may want to try to initiate a cease fire. If you trust your dad try to have a conversation with him about it. If you don't trust him maybe (you know better than I do) try reaching out to your step mom. I'm certain there are things your both doing that you're not aware of that may be making the situation worse. Maybe try starting over. I know there is a forum site for step kids but I can't find it :/ If I do run across it I will post the address. There is a site for step parents to vent seek advice called step talk...if you're interested in gaining some perspective on reason your step mom may be the way she is peruse some of those threads. I will give you fire warning that a lot of people post there when they just had a blow up and are upset so sometimes there is a lot of anger.
Please get back to me with more detail. Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. You got handed a terrible situation and it is not your fault. Worse case scenario keep in mind that it is temporary and it will come to an end. Big hugs!