Heroin (short poem, may add more) check it out

[Ian937]

Hey there! Before my father died when i was 13 i used to write poems/raps all the time, i was prerty damn good if i do say so myself, well here it is a decade later and im off the dope! And since writing can be therapeutic i thought id give it a shot. I literally wrote this in 5 minutes, let me know whatcha think!!

Heroin...

Oh baby,how my feelings are conflicted.
Gettin lifted,your path is not scripted but so often visited..
Papaver somniferum,yeah you the pops alright,the wise ol' granddad.
I started with just a feel,now i want my damn hand back..
Foreal your kinduvva shady dude & i've hated you for everything youve made me lose.
I seen mothers pay your dues instead of tha' fuckin' baby food!...
Of all the slicksta's,man you are the most cunning.
You start off so loving..
Then i needed you, Call that fuckin ghost hunting..
Though it twas not your presence I desired, cuz man your all around..
I've changed,blessed and my essence is on fire so tell me hows that fucking sound?! .....
Cuz when it came down to the wire, your mercy was nowhere to be found..



Ghost hunting... To be continued

 

[Ian937]

No replies eh? Well i moved out of the ghetto into a lovely home today. This has had to be the best day ina long time for me...and yes im 8 miller lts deep and about to puff on my sour diesel. I am loving life.

 

[ForEverAfter]

I like the free-style rhyme scheme you've got going. It flows pretty smoothly and has a consistent voice. The fact that you haven't written much for years works in your favor, too. Basically, I see potential. But I need to get a bit more from you. I'd like to see this piece finished. The rhymes get a bit stale towards the end - specifically with "around"/"sound"/"found" - but that's easily fixed. Keep the rhymes free and vary your rhythmic syllables constantly and at a consistent rate. Not sure about starting a song with "Oh Baby" - I'm not too fond of poetic/lyrical cliches, but there's a lot of successful musicians who'd probably disagree with me on that. So, that's more a stylistic thing. Take it or leave it. Either way, though, I reckon you should sit down for a bit longer than 5 minutes and churn out a couple of pages of lines. Then, cut it like a diamond. And, repeat. Motivation is, often, one of the only things separating the under-rated from the duly-appreciated. True potential is rarely met. Don't be discouraged by the lack of responses. The Words forum is a hard audience, sometimes. I've posted heaps of stuff that's gone unnoticed. My advice to you is: type until your fingertips hurt, but make sure you stop before they start bleeding.



Welcome to Words.

 

[Ian937]

You are totally right my man , thats great feedback thankyou...i shouldnt have posted this first/rough draft tbh if i get around to finishing it which i provably will ill definitley take your advice..

 

[ForEverAfter]

You should have posted the draft, doesn't matter if it's finished. I'd just like to see you revisit your passion for Words. You mentioned you used to write all the time when you were 13, and you're capable of - fairly effortlessly - producing a free-flowing rhyme. If you can produce this in five minutes, I'd be willing to bet you could produce something fucking awesome if you applied yourself for an hour or two. Motivating people to tap into their potential is hard. Self-doubt is part of the human condition. People tend to have polar reactions to feedback. They either get inspired to do better, or they give up completely. There's a fine line, in terms of editing, between constructive criticism and discouragement. You never know how someone's going to react, so you have to surf that threshold between the positive and the negative. Being able to take criticism is a huge step towards becoming a better writer, regardless of the medium, and you've already displayed your ability to do so. Acknowledging the validity of a critical response, however, is no less vital than potentially disregarding it. Whether or not you can take advice, be it positive or negative, is secondary to whether or not you should take advice. Most people aren't used to reading incomplete manuscripts, amateur fiction, or half-written poems. Unpublished and unknown writers often aren't given the same concessions as established poets and authors. We're used to seeing television shows and movies, polished to the nth degree, and we are spoilt for choice when it comes to literature. The written word, across dozens of centuries. Billions of compositions of vowel and consonant. Millions of stories and poems to take for granted. It's overwhelming. This is the fork in the road, where writers chose their fate. Embarking, either: towards the fountain of true potential; or, towards the cave of nothingness. Most budding writers, attempting their first novel, will never finish. The majority won't get a quarter of the way through. But many of these books - these unwritten novels - are potentially publishable. If only more amateur wordsmiths believed in themselves, there might be a higher caliber of published work. The most motivated individual is not neccessarily the most talented. Like those "smart kids" at school, that learnt the textbook by heart. I know a lot of highly intelligent dysfunctional people. It makes sense. Liike cats and dogs. Some people think cats are less intelligent, because it's easier to teach basic commands to dogs. The thing is, cats don't have any interest in performing tricks. Similarly, an adolescent genius might find a high-school syllabus to be utterly disinteresting. School is not about education. Not really. We aren't taught to understand. We're taught to repeat. Unsurprisingly, this cybernetic way of thinking attracts robotic-minded individuals. It is the automatons that rise through the ranks: those willing to sacrifice themselves in the name of normality; those men and women, content to function as vessels for the relentless machine. The world rewards the empty and the uninspired. Suggestibility is a virtue. The people in charge are the blind leading the blind. Our leaders are former-followers. We are chasing our tails. And, the only way to break the cycle is for the unmotivated masses - disillusioned, as we are, by conformity - to adapt. In order to take down the machine, we need to get inside it. Follow the rules. All the while, keeping ourselves at a safe distance. We need to write like robots, while maintaining our indifference and our intellectual dysfunctionality. Every writer should doubt themselves, so much that they struggle to pick up a pen. If you're never satisfied with anything you write, there will always be room for improvement.

 

[Ian937]

Wow. You are a wordsmith no doubt about it. I really enjoyed reading that, i followed the train of thought the whole way through..that in itself is inspiring. Thankyou

 

[Jean-Paul]

well...that's pretty good. um. here. letme improve something
smack you were a better crack than reality
i was dying drowning in the life to obtain you
just to reach to a place where i couldn't continue
anything
i lost myself
the dope it helped
until i started getting in too deep
you gave that sleep
it was alive and also not too dead
it really got into my head
i had to leave your beautiful bounty
before i was a count into the morgue in the county

theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd

 

[Jean-Paul]

i wanted to be completely away while awake
it's more away then awake for artists
you want to make more than most days
like a fucking diseseaded ant building hills on these
dreams you aren't ever gonna get that back
that perfect dope insipiration
might as well give up you entire imagination
it took an injection to your head
to make that bread
you were so proud of
might ehy, it was from a regulation
called one two three
cotton water someone to hit me