HELP! Lost everything to my addiction and don't know what to do!

[Zer0mancer]

Hello everyone,
Been a reader of the site for years and it has helped me countless times, but finally made a SN and my first post the other day.
But today I need advise that isn't general, but more personal... Here we go.

I have lost control of my life due to an addiction to opiate, stemming from a car accident 3-4 years ago. I handled it well for the first two years, but as it goes with opiates for many, I ended up taking more and more, then running out before my refil, leading to buying them from people, you guys know the deal, lost all my money, friendships and relationships with family, can't hold a job, overdue bills... (My story is in full detail in my first post if you're curious, but be warned its heavy and sad)

I basically hit rock bottom last week.
My last penny is spent, I got kicked out of my house, and am in WD bc I don't get my refil for 2 weeks and have no money. (Not to mention I'm sick of being a slave and want my life back).
Now I have to beg friends or family to let me crash on the couch a day or two, and sleeping in the car if not. I eat only when offered food bc I literally have 1$ left, and shower when I can.
I can't live like this, it's been 12 days, and it took this to show me how much I've fucked up. I wake up, anxiety cranked, no where to go, nothing to do, lethargic, fatigued, depressed, and have started having bad thoughts, about how I'm so lost that o should just end it.. I wouldn't, bc I have a son and fiancée I need to earn back and I can't do that to them, but the thohgts are still there.

I can't keep living out of my car watching the minutes crawl by, in WD, depressed yet unmotivated bc my addiction is only letting me think about one thing.

I have no money but I need help, what can I do??
*No money at all
*support system is fed up, yet will give me one more chance of I take the initiative to get help, but they won't help me get there, only after I prove I'm trying.
* no insurance
*in opiate WD; wake up with constant anxiety; occasional thohgts of self harm.
* no clue where to even start and am become empty and hopeless bc I have nothing and no one left, and they won't come back until I show I'm in recovery and get my 30 day token (father said)

I really just need advise and guidance on how I can find a program, detox, psych evaluation, ect, but without access to money or insurance at all.
And some words of hope would help me a lot too, I haven't talked to anyone in days, I'm lonely and scared, and I really need a friend...

 

[Erikmen]

These moments when we realize we have nothing may be a good opportunity to start over. I have been there, and I believe that most of us at some level have gone through the worst situations. All you need to do at this moment is to focus on how to survive today. How to get through this withdrawal. Perhaps now, it's not the time to make plans or worry about what you don't have or what may or may not happen in the future. You need to breathe and just go through this one moment at a time. You can't be sick and at the same time try to plan your life based on the perspectives you have now.

Do you really want to quit? If this is your priority, w/ds are tough but they can be over in a week or less and you'll be better. And I believe that if you are really serious about quitting things will get better. Show to your father you mean it. Can you get some sort of assistance? Parents get tired of hearing this from us so many times and they too have their limits. They must be going through a lot of suffering right now because you are family and in a way or another you are still there.

Think of your son. He needs you and you don't want him to suffer. Quitting is not the worse part but you'll feel better after going through this and more capable to handle your problems without the need of your daily dose. I get that at this point you have lost the confidence from your friends and family. Is it the first time?

You can do this, not because you don't have a refill but because it probably makes sense to live a life without opiates. I know how bad you must be feeling now but worry about sobering up now. Things will get better.

I don't know how it works to get help from your insurance or get into a program where you live. Can you get medical help where you are? Have you tried NA/AA? Some of these sadness are part of the quitting process and it tends to get better as you become independent of that one thing that brought you down. And that's a good thing because it's temporary. You'll get better, and you can do this. Little by little.

I got a lot of help from Bluelight and so can you. Stay strong. You are not alone!