thank you for sharing all of that. i've had it manifest into agoraphobia too recently, though i'm trying to fight it tooth and nail. it's taken me a year of hard work and a lot of drugs and very expensive therapy just to be able to just find, going 15 or so minutes from home at least somewhat tolerable.
the only thing thats seemed to sort of help with what i would consider the more blatant or more 'pressing' and severe symptoms like, not being able to eat, not being able to go places, etc. is just flat out exposure therapy- with medication assistance, and then, eventually weaning off the medication assistance. going a little further- taking baby steps, etc. and expanding outside of comfort zones very slowly, while, under the guise of a lot of professional assistance- therapy, psychs, etc.
according to my psych i qualify for disability he believes, and offered me the paperwork to file for it. but i just was stubborn about it. so i didn't do it. hah.
but, after this last year, how it's gone and everything,... it's just been very very difficult to try to live a quote unquote normal life and deal with normal life's 'stresses' progressing through life, adulthood, growth, etc. as a person.
while, quite honestly still bearing these dx's very heavily. people seem to forget that they're there, and in my workplace, i can't be transparent that i'm unwell- as the last two that figured it out fired me once they realized i wasn't going to be as reliable. (prone to panic attacks and dissociation while on the job, yeah. doesn't work very good does it).
i tried to find modes of employment that work for me still regardless, with how hard it is and everything... but all it takes is a simple trigger and. its not even a real threat, just, a perceived threat, even. or a reminder of what it felt like to of been threatened once.
to completely destabilize me. it's exhausting, and takes long periods of time to just recover.
and then the underlying, less 'obvious' or 'less problematic' part of it all is just the general discomfort i feel.
... which is kind of what i'm seeking to, stamp out or, get to the bottom of just to feel, normal again.
in the m/h hospital a therapist / treatment facilitator made an open ended question for the room, saying, "who here always feels aware of their body and their breathing, their posture, etc." and i was like "i do."
but apparently the correct answer to that question was supposed to be everyone coming to the consensus we are all typically not aware of our body and our breathing and our posture.
but i'm stiff as a rod, my breathing is, uh.... stifled, in a way. like short. for no reason, it's purely psychological. but i can't 'relax' to the point where i'm no longer paying attention to these things. my body is always tense, and i'm always aware of it. always.
it's, painful in a way, so you could see the appeal that any sort of relaxing drug has. it used to be so bad... i don't want to go there but. it got so dark once, and out of control, i didn't want to live anymore, so i just stopped eating on purpose hoping i would starve and die, all i wanted to do was sleep. i laid on the floor of the mental hospital hopeless and tired. i was obviously fatigued and, out of my mind, having reached a crisis.
but yeah so, i want help with the.... underlying, little things. now. they addressed the big obvious elephants in the room like, oh, you don't eat. oh, you can't, sleep or rest well, you can't... go places. the goal was to function in these basic ways, show up to work. if i could do these things i thought, i'd be fine.
but, i'm still suffering underneath. with the underlying, and that's eating away... i want to find a better solution uh, than just being constantly high as fuck on benzos. or whatever, i can find to, drown it out.
but, it's an internal 'discomfort' or tension that i've felt probably since, as early as i can recall being maybe 13/14 when i started to notice it at least. and i described it at the time as feeling 'uncomfortable inside my skin.' and 'bothered' is the best way i could put it. i journaled about it like, i felt 'bothered' all the time.
i still feel this way and it's been how many years, but it just, gets louder and louder. the uh, ssri's numb it down a bit. but, this internal 'bothered' uncomfort in my skin whatever you want to call it, tension, etc. it's so high.... without medication that i'm rendered a nervous wreck, useless, rocking back and forth, .... coming apart at the seems emotionally, and unable to hardly think straight.........
at times where i feel a little bit more bothered or tense inside than usual i will rock back and forth. in times of crisis i've seen myself rocking. it's like, all i can do to self soothe is just sit there and stare and rock.
and i wonder, if it's like, if this sensitivity can be nulled out somehow, it's like a nervous system that's just on fucking fire all the time and i can't put it out. just, always nervous.
what's even more odd about it, is that, it seems like, a generational curse. my, uh, my grandmother and my father both have it, and i feel like the neuroticism and ocd and constant nervous wreck of anxiety etc has been genetically passed down to me. the source of this, i don't know- nature vs. nurture, maybe a bit of both.
all i know is i wasn't born this way. i wasn't 'always' this way. though it started young, due to trauma triggering it. realistically like, i knew a life for a brief time without this, discomfort, and nervous edge all the time. i'd like to just be able to feel at ease, on a normal basis.
instead, i constantly feel like, a bit of a train wreck, and i'm always trying to soothe it down and calm it down, but obviously, it's never enough. it's a recipe for disaster in terms of addiction.
i want to make it stop, i just don't know how. i can't possibly cope enough to satisfy it, i could- but then, i'd be spending all my efforts and time 'coping'.... and that's, not a fulfilling life.
i figure maybe i'd be more 'comfortable' if i could just be left alone. as i feel like a lot of sources of my stress is really just other people most of the time. when i am alone, i can finally relax.
but, there's qualms with this as well. of course. the obvious, loneliness. again, not a fulfilling life. and, isolation not really being good for m/h over all in other ways..... and also, affording everything, 'alone' is very difficult.
it's not impossible per say, but i'd have to live extremely meager.......
the final issue is that, because i am so 'sick and debilitated' i require a lot of financial support and otherwise support from my only support system, my family. but- they will not support me if i choose to, live on my own.
though i want this alone time, and need it, so my nervous system can heal.... and relax....
it's kind like, they don't.... they won't let me go. which, sounds absurd, i know. but, they won't hear me out.... there's not even a chance for this conversation to be had, let alone for me to speak.... my mind about all of this.
it's their way or,..... i get the boot, i get nothing. people frown upon me for, neeing their assistance. for not being self sufficient. i don't think they understand the level of help i need, the level of which i'm debilitated. how costly treatment is, for all of these issues, that are seemingly, life long.
i just want to be alone, truly. at peace. it's not that i dislike anyone. it's just, everything makes me too nervous, and neurotic feeling.... so i wantt o be alone to, have control and finally be at peace.
but they won't let me have that so easily, they're afraid that with too much freedom,... i'll, make mistakes or, something will happen to me, or, i'll do bad things. they don't want to relinquish their sense of control and safety over me, you know. to me, to have that sense of autonomy and independence, because they don't trust i can be, safe or self sufficient or whatever
anyway .... so i'm trying really hard fighting everyday working myself to the bone to try to afford, .......... everything on my own. so that i can finally be left alone. and out from under the thumb a bit so to speak.
but, it...... they won't let me go. the harder i try to get out, the worse the trap seems to get, and it's like this psychological game where i need them but, they also, own me, keep me, very much so in a cage.... you can't see it, but it's there.
and it's not, freedom. and i believe this is the source of the 'underlying' distress i constantly feel. but, it's like trying to move a rock off of myself that is simply to heavy to move, that is crushing me while i'm trying to move it. it's, impossible.
i can't get out from this or, i relate very much so to the song, i'm caught in a trap. by elvis. it's, i'm in between a rock and a hard place.
and all of this is just over, feeling really uncomfortable inside, to the point that it's intolerable. it's also emotional and psychological but like, my physical body just, can't take it anymore. i'm drained, you know.
i'm, burnt out. and i haven't even really gotten to start, living yet. all the things i wanted to do with my 'free' independent adult life, milestones you should hit... etc.
i'm still sucking my thumb, so to speak. and its.... its terrible. it's, i've done some research about it and therapists have educated me as well but we're looking at, some possible narcissistic abuse scenarios going on, unfortunately. which is a complex beast in itself, and uh, that, and, i guess you could definitely maybe throw in the word, infantilization in there? and my therapist also said my parents are, emotionally immature, it's a, dysfunctional toxic family system in which i am labeled as what psychologists call the scape goat.
it's.... just, very difficult. i'm asking for help and have been asking for help everywhere i go for years, from everyone. but no one really seems to see it or knows what to do about it.
so i just, took it upon myself to do this alone. and, it's not, working out too well like it's not fairing well. it's not sustainable. at some point i will eventually reach crisis again, i will, fall into addiction with the amount of benzos i'm consuming it's a very slippery slope i'm on, i know.
i'm trying to get out of this without, any damage like, i'm trying to do damage control. while mitigating the underlying pain of it all as i lift this insanely heavy rock or mutliple rocks really, on my own. and... ..... well you can't do that very well if you're so drugged you're weak in the knees, either.
so..... i'm..... looking for, another way. to solve my problems...............
some people have suggested just ignoring it all, but unfortunately i don't have that option. the symptomology persists whether i like it or not, the disorder can worsen at any time, triggers happen, and i'm still always coping and in a low decibal level of, emotional and physiological distress and pain.
ignoring it is no longer an option, i've tried. believe me i've tried. dissociating etc. it just made my scenario much worse to turn a blind eye to it all. you have to confront it head on right.
i've tried that too. it got no where. my parents just wanted to disown me by the end of it. and they actually have, several times. i'm exhausted, so, at this point.
it's like playing 5D chess or, chinese checkers, or diffusing a bomb. somethings gotta give, but, you make one wrong move, the whole thing explodes, game over, back to zero.
eventually this will all catch up with me too, you know. i'm running out of time that i can sustain, this. the way i'm living.... i don't know.
