Mental Health Have you gotten over ptsd and childhood abuse?

[JessFR]

Does anyone? My heroin habit has cost me everything in my life at this point. Everything but my life. All my belongings of any value, the love of my life, for now anyway, rendered me virtually homeless. Turned me into a manipulative conniving lying thieving criminal. Gotten me arrested, gotten me to prostitute mysrlf. And hey, I made the choices I made and I've paid dearly for my mistakes. But as hard as I find it to defend myself, to say anything positive about myself, I can't deny how I feel about others I know in my position, and part of me can't shake feeling like its bullshit that I always feel understanding of their actions while instinctively feeling like my own actions deserve no such sympathy. Their behavior did not occur in a vacuum and neither did mine. It's not a coincidence that virtually all the girls I know in my position are survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and surprise surprise so am I. It seems obvious to me that for me, like so many, my addiction started as a coping mechanism. But of course, over time my habit has caused much of what I now feel the need to escape. And my nature has always been to run away from my problems.

Does it ever stop? Sure, over the past 20 years I've come a long way from not even seeing how damaged I was by what happened to me to having slowly had my nightmares and triggers happening rarer and rarer, thinking about it less. But it's still there. It is still a part of me. It's still something I can't get over and cant forget. And what I want to know is. Does anyone really get over it? Or is learning to live with it as good as it gets.

And that's not even talking about my heroin addiction. I still don't feel ready to quit. How much more do I have to lose, apart from my life and freedom I have little left to lose.

Someone told me recently that they wondered if my death would be a mercy, that my life seems to be nothing but suffering. Worst thing is they werent trying to be cruel, it was their honest opinion from knowing me better than most. And I can't say I don't see truth in it.

Part of the problem is I just don't see any way out. My entire waking life revolves around getting money for heroin, and shooting heroin. And the idea that depression and pain from both what happened to me and all the horrible things I've done to myself and the people I care about sure makes it hard to want to quit. Even the drugs can't completely numb the pain. But it does make it much easier to cope.

I often find myself surprised by how well I'm dealing with the way my life is. Then I remember it's because I'm always either high or completely distracted with doing anything I have to to get high again.

Its a horrible pointless aimless waste of a way to live.

 

[herbavore]

Hey Jess, I do believe it is possible to heal from childhood sexual abuse but my heart goes out to anyone trying to do that. See if maybe you can get hold of a book called, The Courage to Heal written by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass.

Gabor Mate made the same observation that you did about childhood trauma as it relates to drug abuse and addiction. That is really why so many rehabs fall short--they treat a drug problem when the larger problem not only goes unaddressed but without the ability to escape with drugs becomes even more terrifying to live with.

Dealing with PTSD is difficult because of the area of the brain you are dealing with but essentially you must reinforce habitually to your brain that you are no longer in the situation that caused the trauma. Something as simple as a daily (or maybe multiple times a day) talk with yourself where you consciously tell yourself that you are out of that danger. ("I do not have to be defined by my past. I can rewrite my story and myself.")

That was a good insight you had about the empathy you feel for others as opposed to the judgment you feel for yourself in the same set of circumstances. That is why the Buddhists say that the hardest but most important compassion to foster is compassion for oneself. Especially for an adult that was an abused child. Children internalize all the guilt and responsibility that a sick adult should have had but didn't. That is the ongoing tragedy of abuse.

Have you ever looked into support groups for survivors? I know that right now your life probably feels too fragile for that but maybe it could be a lifeline out of this. I understand what your friend meant when she/he wondered about death being more merciful than life. But to me I would take life, with all the possibilities it contains over death which is simply an end to everything--suffering and joy.

You are a very smart person and you are aware and caring. This is what humanity needs. Never tell yourself that you are worth any less than anyone else no matter how low your life may be at any given time. The behaviors that go along with addiction are making you feel bad--that just shows that your values are still intact. I hope that you can extract yourself from this awful spiral, Jess. You are worth so much more than this addicted life is ever going to give you. I have known people to walk away after 25 years--most of them in prison. It is never too late, never impossible.

PM me anytime you feel like it. I'm in your corner, Jess. I believe in you.

 

[lazydullard]

I'm a guy, but over the course of one summer I was sexually abused and raped as a 4 year old. Totally over it now, though. The memories are even fuzzy and hard to remember. I'm 31 now. It didn't go on for very long, but I did have the symptoms of PTSD as a child. I never received a diagnosis of such, though. But I don't have any of the symptoms now.

Healing was possible in my case.

 

[JessFR]

I'm a guy, but over the course of one summer I was sexually abused and raped as a 4 year old. Totally over it now, though. The memories are even fuzzy and hard to remember. I'm 31 now. It didn't go on for very long, but I did have the symptoms of PTSD as a child. I never received a diagnosis of such, though. But I don't have any of the symptoms now.

Healing was possible in my case.

If I may ask, how long did it take before you felt like you'd gotten over it? Did you have supportive family in the years after it happened? Did you seek treatment and if so what, when, and how much did it help. And finally, what sort of psychological problems did you face as a result?

Of course it's entirely up to you what if anything you tell me, I dont want to reopen any old wounds for you. I just ask because it may be relevant to my own problems. The last thing I want to do is in any way minimize or lessen what you went through, but I can't deny, I wonder if differences in what happened to you to what happened to me and others I know like me make recovery more likely for people with experiences more like yours.

I don't know the details of the environment you grew up in of course. But for me, I was subjected to near daily abuse for years. All of my childhood that I can remember from 4-6 through to 13. A doctor apparently observed that I showed psychological symptoms similar to soldiers who have to go fight in a war everyday by the time I was 8-11. Or Atleast thats what I was told by my mom. My school had her take me to a child psych because I was always falling asleep at school, had serious behavioral problems, among other problems. My mom was suicidally depressed much of my childhood and was put in hospital and given 25 Ects, so she doesn't remember much and wasn't in a position to protect me. My dad was never in my life. And while eventually the school became concerned enough that children's services were notified and social workers sent to investigate, I dunno, somehow I fell through the cracks because the abuse didn't stop until we moved away from my abusers. I never told anyone the details because I was foo afraid. My abusers convinced me that I was to blame, that I was bad and I'd be taken away from my mom and put in juvie if I said anything. I didn't know any better and all my life I was told I was bad and undeserving and unwanted. I completely believed it. I still kinda believe it. If that's all you remember ever being told as a kid, why wouldnt you believe it.

I mention all this because I think it's a big part of why I haven't been able to get over it. I still can't convince myself it's not true. I entirely believed it until I was about 19. After the abuse stopped I suppressed thinking about it until then, that's when I started thinking about what happened to me from the perspective of me as an adult thinking about me as a kid. Until then I didn't really appreciate that I was a kid and the idea of a 13 year old girl being punished for being raped and abused in our society is insane. Even so, it still feels true. Even if I know logically it can't be, it still feels like I must be an exception and it must be my fault and I must be bad and evil.

Point is, what happened to me is still not as bad as some people I know. And she's in jail for theft after being a heroin addict since she was 15.

That's what I want to know if it's possible to recover from. If you can ever fully recover, or if after a certain point you just gotta learn to survive it. Both her and I have come a long way since we were in our early teens, but we're both still very far from ok.

As bad as what happened to me was. I think it's the psychological stuff thats the worse. The physical side is what caused my ptsd symptoms. Why even today something reminding me of what happened can fill me with fear and dread and panic in a moment's notice. Even today I still can't sleep properly and emotionlly feel detached when my boyfriend touches me and totally shut down or freak out if he even slightly raises his. Voice.

But the emotional shit, the shit my abusers told me. That's the shit that makes me feel alien,like I'm bad and irredeemable and don't deserve to get better and shouldn't even try. At least the former problems don't make me feel utterly incapable of thinking anything good about myself. Nightmares and not liking being touched and bsing triggered sometimes is a walk in the park compared to feeling like my mind is forever invaded by the voice of my abusers. Even long after theyre all dead, they'll still be alive in my mind. Talking to me and putting me down and mocking me and making me feel like shit with EVERY SINGLE positive thought I have. I can't think a single positive thing about myself without that nagging voice waiting to pounce. Not once, not ever, not for as long as I can remember. It's maddening. I feel so jealous of people who can just think somethibg positive about themselves. It keeps me from being able to take a complement. I can't even sing to myself in private without that voice telling me I suck and should learn not to ever think anything good because I'll inevitabley be crushed when someone inevitabley reminds my that it was rediculous to think I was any good at anything.

That everyone hates me, that anything positive ever said about me is a lie to spare my feelings. And everyone is just too polite to tell me I'm not liked and not wanted. And it's been like this my whole life.

Who wouldn't prefer a life on heroin vs that? I still think it, but it doesn't hurt as much.

 

[Lightning-Nl]

My heart goes out to you Jess. My symptoms, too, are like those who've been through a war. Personally, I haven't gotten over the sexual abuse that happened to me between the ages of 3 to 11. A lot of that is due to a couple of reasons - no one believes me when I tell them it happened, and I still live with the scumbags who did all the raping. Both my mother and father actually. Thank god I'm leaving here forever on Wednesday.

The worst part for me was not knowing if all of this was in my head for the longest time - but it isn't. My older sister remembers it happening to her vividly. My younger sister has implied many times that she knows it happened. Anyways, I'm rambling.

I feel really bad... not for myself - but because you can't see that you're a human being (based on what I've read). I'd like you to know that you're still a person. And while this is much easier said than done - who gives a shit what others think of you?! Lemme give you some social tips that really helped me.

If people didn't like you, they wouldn't want to be around you. If people didn't like you - they wouldn't do things for you. People who are using you - will do nothing for you in return for anything you do for them. I don't believe that you're not liked. You seem very intelligent and articulative. You need to get clean, but I think you already know that. I repressed the things that happened to me for years with Xanax. Two bars a day, everyday, for approx. 3 years. I know what you're going through - and even though I'm not really "there" myself yet... if I can do it, you can do it.

Have you ever tried to get off the opiates with Suboxone? There's a guy in my CD treatment that says Sub's have worked wonders for him.

Are you going to therapy? This a big one. You need to be going to therapy. This'll help you move on with your life. If you can't afford it - get on Medicare immediately. It's a shitty process to apply - but I got on it and I can actually afford my doctors appointments now.
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I just want you to know that talking about this at all is very brave. And I envy you for it.

Underneath it all, one of the hardest things you'll ever do is ...let it go. Because you can't win in this cycle of self-loathing and addiction. But you can win your life. So what'll it be?

 

[JessFR]

My heart goes out to you Jess. My symptoms, too, are like those who've been through a war. Personally, I haven't gotten over the sexual abuse that happened to me between the ages of 3 to 11. A lot of that is due to a couple of reasons - no one believes me when I tell them it happened, and I still live with the scumbags who did all the raping. Both my mother and father actually. Thank god I'm leaving here forever on Wednesday.

The worst part for me was not knowing if all of this was in my head for the longest time - but it isn't. My older sister remembers it happening to her vividly. My younger sister has implied many times that she knows it happened. Anyways, I'm rambling.

I feel really bad... not for myself - but because you can't see that you're a human being (based on what I've read). I'd like you to know that you're still a person. And while this is much easier said than done - who gives a shit what others think of you?! Lemme give you some social tips that really helped me.

If people didn't like you, they wouldn't want to be around you. If people didn't like you - they wouldn't do things for you. People who are using you - will do nothing for you in return for anything you do for them. I don't believe that you're not liked. You seem very intelligent and articulative. You need to get clean, but I think you already know that. I repressed the things that happened to me for years with Xanax. Two bars a day, everyday, for approx. 3 years. I know what you're going through - and even though I'm not really "there" myself yet... if I can do it, you can do it.

Have you ever tried to get off the opiates with Suboxone? There's a guy in my CD treatment that says Sub's have worked wonders for him.

Are you going to therapy? This a big one. You need to be going to therapy. This'll help you move on with your life. If you can't afford it - get on Medicare immediately. It's a shitty process to apply - but I got on it and I can actually afford my doctors appointments now.
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I just want you to know that talking about this at all is very brave. And I envy you for it.

Underneath it all, one of the hardest things you'll ever do is ...let it go. Because you can't win in this cycle of self-loathing and addiction. But you can win your life. So what'll it be?

I was on methadone for a long time but stopped after I became homeless. My habit is well in excess of a gram a day so I'm not sure subuxone is viable for me. My tolerance might exceed the subuxone ceiling dose.

I so understand doubting your memories of what happened. I too was repeatidly told by my abusers that I was remembering things wrong and it never happened. What eventually helped me start believing my memory was coming to feel that if what I remember didn't happen, how can I Have been so damaged by it. Why is it still hurting me 20 years later.

It took a long time before I felt like I could talk about it to the extent I can now. I pretty much just went over it and over it god only knows how many times until I had a reasonably solid belief about what happened. I still have trouble talking about a lot of the details though. I still have never told my mom what happened. I mean obviously she knows something happened, but I dont feel able to talk about it with her. She was a victim of domestic abuse as a young adult and suffered ptsd and depression, I know she never wants me to know the details and I've never asked and likewise she knows I feel the same way about what happened to me. So we both respect each others need not to tell the other, while quietly understanding something horrible happened to both of us which is why we have a lot of the same psychological problems. The only difference is she never became a heroin addict. Though she suffers from her own issues with addiction.

I've tried therapy but I have a lot of problems with doctors and authority figures. And especially with trust. Finding a good psych for me seems very hard. And being honest with them maybe even harder.

 

[zephyr]

I would suggest choosing a day that would be a starting point and on that day you have prepared in writing what you recall happening to you and who was involved so you have a starting point of what to say.

It seems like you have never told any one person what happened to you. You dont have to tell anyone with any authority. A counsellor or psychologist would simply listen to you.

That day would be the new beginning. To unload years of abuse and hurt would help more than hiding it behind drugs. Masking it only helps until you need to mask it again.

Counsellors are great as they can open doors for you. Without the burden of your secret past life could begin again without the emotional need for heroin. You might not feel like you want it anymore.

The physical need and only using to avoid sickness would be a lot easier to deal with by itself when you are ready to get some treatment.


I would urge you to make a phone or in person appointment with a sexual abuse counsellor.


Take one step at a time.

Ive been a fan of your posts on bl and am heartbroken you are feeling so sad.

 

[Lightning-Nl]

I was on methadone for a long time but stopped after I became homeless. My habit is well in excess of a gram a day so I'm not sure subuxone is viable for me. My tolerance might exceed the subuxone ceiling dose.

That's a lot indeed. I guess the only other thing I can offer in regards to this is that... sometimes withdrawing a little bit, is better than continuing your habit. I had to learn that with Xanax.

I so understand doubting your memories of what happened. I too was repeatidly told that I was remembering things wrong or making it up. What eventually helped me start believing my memory was coming to feel that if what I remember didn't happen, how can I Have been so damaged by it. Why is it still hurting me 20 years later.

This is something I've needed to hear for a very long time. Thank you. You're absolutely right. How could I possibly have been damaged by it so much, if it didn't happen?

It took a long time before I felt like I could talk about it to the extent I can now. I pretty much just went over it and over it god only knows how many times until I had a reasonably solid belief about what happened. I still have trouble talking about a lot of the details though. I still have never told my mom what happened. I mean obviously she knows something happened, but I dont feel able to talk about it with her. She was a victim of domestic abuse as a young adult and suffered ptsd and depression, I know she never wants me to know the details and I've never asked and likewise she knows I feel the same way about what happened to me. So we both respect each others need not to tell the other, while quietly understanding something horrible happened to both of us which is why we have a lot of the same psychological problems. The only difference is she never became a heroin addict. Though she suffers from her own issues with addiction.

I'm glad you CAN talk about it though. I still can't talk about it to some extent... although you did say you have a problem sharing details. I do as well. I imagine I always will... no... no I don't think I will. If I truly get over this - I think I'll have no problem talking about it. Have you ever thought of sharing details with your mom? It might do you some good. And if you open up to her, maybe, for the first time in her life, she'll be able to open to someone. In this case - you. If you can't find a therapist you trust - maybe you can trust your mom?

I've tried therapy but I have a lot of problems with doctors and authority figures. And especially with trust. Finding a good psych for me seems very hard. And being honest with them maybe even harder.

I also, so relate to this. My therapist told me the last time I saw him "Zeke - a lot of people produce false memories when uncovering 'repressed sexual memories'." I wanted to glock him in the jaw. You're absolutely right - doctors are ball-busting bastards. I used to have a lot of faith in the medical community. I don't anymore. I used to want to be a doctor myself. After seeing the shit that goes down in psych wards - I sure as hell don't want to be a doctor anymore.

Trust me - finding a good psychiatrist is hard for me (thinking about dumping my current psych) so I'm sure it's hard for you. It's probably hard for everyone. I also relate to the trust thing. It seems I can't trust any doctor anymore. Nobody listens to me - and IF I decide to tell the truth, they call me psychotic and dump all sorts of diagnosis on me. I hate it. I'm at the point where I just want to lay down and die. But I can't. Then everyone else wins. I'm too vindictive to just let "them" win.

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Something I think that's worth mentioning, in regards to all of this is that... it gets easier. Everyday it gets a little easier. But you've gotta live life and stay clean everyday. That's the hard part. But it does get easier.

 

[lazydullard]

If I may ask, how long did it take before you felt like you'd gotten over it? Did you have supportive family in the years after it happened? Did you seek treatment and if so what, when, and how much did it help. And finally, what sort of psychological problems did you face as a result?
.

I had a supportive family in the years after it happened. They didn't believe me about the sexual abuse, and had stopped their physical abuse of me and totally turned around and became parents. I'd say it bothered me until I was 28. I wrote down in my journal everything I could remember, and the memories started fading after that. I didn't get professional help for the sexual abuse but I did get professional health for addiction.

I must admit mine is a mild case compared to you. I was raped, but only like 2 dozen times. It was a cousin that got me, which is much less traumatizing than if a more closer family member did it.

I threw a rock through the window of the guy who raped me. That's how I began my healing. I told the cops but they didn't do anything to him, and arrested me. Now he has a gun and a court order of protection, so I figure, there's nothing more I can do.

I was just mildly abused on the big scale. I guess if it's intense enough, there may be no coming back from it.

 

[JessFR]

I threw a rock through the window of the guy who raped me. That's how I began my healing. I told the cops but they didn't do anything to him, and arrested me. Now he has a gun and a court order of protection, so I figure, there's nothing more I can do.

Sonwthing I've long been troubled by is my desire for revenge. Long ago I spent a lot of time trying to find my abusers, and I'm glad I never succeeded because I fear what I might do if I did.

It's messed up, but even as young as 8 I'd fantasize about all the ways I'd like to hurt them. Torture them. You don't wanna know what my childhood drawings looked like. And that bothers me a lot too. Because I don't believe in torture, no matter what the crime. I don't feel it so much now, but those feelings aren't entirely gone. The part I struggle with though, is the idea that some of their evil is left behind in me. That their actions left me with a bit of their darkness that'll never entirely go away. And worse still that that will forever connect them to me on some level.

It's odd, I Have a lot more trouble telling a psych this stuff than bluelight. I just don't know how to trust them.

 

[lazydullard]

The part I struggle with though, is the idea that some of their evil is left behind in me. That their actions left me with a bit of their darkness that'll never entirely go away. And worse still that that will forever connect them to me on some level.

I forgot I used to go through that too. It's not true, though. They left us with nothing but bad memories and maybe a few scars.

I believe it's possible to completely heal from anything. That's my stance.

 

[Lightning-Nl]

Sonwthing I've long been troubled by is my desire for revenge. Long ago I spent a lot of time trying to find my abusers, and I'm glad I never succeeded because I fear what I might do if I did.

It's messed up, but even as young as 8 I'd fantasize about all the ways I'd like to hurt them. Torture them. You don't wanna know what my childhood drawings looked like. And that bothers me a lot too. Because I don't believe in torture, no matter what the crime. I don't feel it so much now, but those feelings aren't entirely gone. The part I struggle with though, is the idea that some of their evil is left behind in me. That their actions left me with a bit of their darkness that'll never entirely go away. And worse still that that will forever connect them to me on some level.

It's odd, I Have a lot more trouble telling a psych this stuff than bluelight. I just don't know how to trust them.

You're not a bad person, Jess. Just... bad things have happened to you. I often feel the same way. That I lost apart of my soul because of what happened, and all that was left behind was darkness. Just remember than you only need to get by ...one day at a time

 

[sovereign110]

I didn't have the best upbringing either. My dad psychologically/emotionally abused me, kinda like how female domestic abuse victims often describe their husbands. He was controlling, always unhappy, usually angry, made me feel guilty about the hobbies I liked, never accepted that I clearly had some psychiatric issues (Wasn't until I moved to my mom's when I finally saw a psychiatrist at age 20), he's socially isolated and always got angry when I'd go somewhere and he'd have to get off his lazy ass to come pick me up, he's short-sighted, and just really unsupportive in general. Most of those bad qualities, and others, manifested almost daily. My "escape" at the time was video games and trying to stay away from home as much as possible (pretty difficult till I got a car). He's an alcoholic, and his life consisted of going to work, and coming home to drink and watch TV. I grew up with the idea that this was completely normal and acceptable behavior - that's one of the many dangers of growing up with a parent who's a functional alcoholic, but not functional/well-adjusted enough to encourage you to do things other than drink.

It took me a number of years away from him and some psych meds before I learned to deal with it and let it go. I accepted that I probably inherited the alcoholism from my parents and grandparents once I learned about the genetic factors involved in alcoholism. Similarly I accepted my anger issues probably stem from my dad too...I had to go to anger management counseling when I was, like, 13 but it didn't help. Antidepressants were the things that eventually made my anger evaporate, among other things.

After I accepted my predispositions and acknowledged my somewhat traumatic childhood, I just had to learn to accept that these things are out of my control and the main thing I have to do was learn to make better decisions. That's what AA and addiction counseling have done for me.

Part of the problem is I just don't see any way out. My entire waking life revolves around getting money for heroin, and shooting heroin. And the idea that depression and pain from both what happened to me and all the horrible things I've done to myself and the people I care about sure makes it hard to want to quit. Even the drugs can't completely numb the pain. But it does make it much easier to cope.

I hear this talked about in AA all the time. Alcoholics who want to quit, and for a period of time after quitting, have a difficult time imagining life without booze. They correctly assume that they'll get some combination of unhappy, bored, depressed, etc. They are incorrect in assuming this will last for the rest of their life; with the right support system, therapy, and applicable medication, people usually find that sober living isn't so undesirable after all.

Inability to picture myself living a desirable life without booze, I kept drinking for years and almost died directly because of it. I've always had anhedonia/alexithymia, maybe cause of depression or the childhood emotional trauma or ADD, I dunno. Drinking is what made that go away, and allowed me to feel enjoyment in my hobbies and I had fun doing things a normal human being should be having fun doing. Stimulants like amphetamine did the same thing, and without severely impairing you like alcohol does. So my current goal is to stay sober, and go through addiction therapy, whereafter my doctor said we can revisit the matter of being prescribed a stimulant for my ADD/daytime sleepiness/depression. It helps to have a clean, safe goal to shoot for.

A sober life is possible, billions of people do it every day the sooner you stop worrying about how you can live without heroin, the easier it'll be to take that first step towards recovery.

 

[JessFR]

I have anger issues too. They used to be a lot worse but I've tried very hard to bring them under control in the last 5 years. I used to totally lose it when if someone yelled at me. I still have a lot of trouble handling criticism. I think it's partially a ptsd thing. Often if my bf would raise his voice I'd feel just like a kid again and react like I would then, by either shutting down or just losing it and finding myself struggling not to attack him. I don't want to be like that, I don't want to be one of those people who become abusive after being abused. I've had similar instant overreactions with other things. I've had several times where he's innocently raised his hand to touch me, totally harmlessly only for me to duck like I thought he was going to hit me. I don't even think about it, like the yelling thing, my whole reaction is done and over before I've even had time to process or think a single thought about what caused it. I hate feeling that I'm almost 30 and this is still happening to me. I don't want to be ruled by my past, but with shit like this where you react so instantly and instinctually, it's very hard to unlearn.

I feel like one of those dogs you get from the pound. The one that cowers when you go to pet it cause it's been kicked around so much. Even with a loving home they're never the same as a dog you got from birth. They've been damaged to the point they'll never entirely be the same as a dog that didn't experience that. That's what I feel like. Like a dog that's been kicked around too much and too early, and is less likely to be taken home cause people want the undamaged dog. The one that won't pee on the carpet or lash out at the slightest thing.

 

[ShellsBells]

I have PTSD from a kid napping and rape when I was thirteen. That's as far as I want to post publicly. I didn't find out until I was eighteen, and, while my life had not been roses before I found out, it irrevocably changed my life for the worse. Since it happened on the holiday, every Fourth of July and up to months surrounding it I hide from friends and family and have to be heavily professionally and self medicated. I have nightmares and seizures and panic attacks at the drop of a hat - I'll be grocery shopping, and see Mountain Dew, and have to have the manager call the paramedics to give me oxygen and help me breathe until I find my xanax in my purse and it works, then he wants me out of the store, so I don't even get my groceries. The rest of the year I'm totally ok, mostly. Except my fucking sister decided to get married July fourteenth. And she knows all about me and my Dark Day, as I call it, and how I am every summer, and she wants me to be the Maid of Honor. I can't guarantee I won't be up there and not have a panic attack or a seizure. So I'll walk up the isle, take her flowers, hand the ring to her best friend ( who we've dubbed the 'Matron of Honor' as she's married but doing part of my job) and she'll hand my sister the ring, and after my sister passes me back up the isle, I'll slip back in behind her and jant behind her through the doors and pelt her with rice.
It's been ten years since I was diagnosed with PTSD and I've slowly been crawling my way out of it. Last year, I learned I could count on only one person- my dog. And my drugs. Because when it gets to be this time of year, all I feel is dispair. And the only way to not feel that is to take a pill or a puff or an edible. And if that makes me less of a person, fine. I'll take that.